Title: Frail Innocence

Author: Arldetta/Knight MysAri

Summary: The ex-scholar and the monkey share a moment of contemplation.

Disclaimers: I don't own it. I know, big shocker! :o

Author's note: Well, I don't know how good or pertinent this was but it was something that popped into the heady today and I managed to get it all down. Like I said, this is just a quick little scene between two of our beloved ikkou. It's not beta'd(see note at end) and I apologize for any OOCness as this is my second Saiyuki fic posted. I hope you like it, nothing really spectacular. Thanks for reading. :D

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Another stop in yet another town. The journey had been full of them. The name of such places was irrelevant for the most part and if you asked them the name in a week only one would be able to give you an answer. That one had been keeping an unofficial log of their journey as it were. However it was brief descriptions and mostly expenses that filled the pages of a small notebook. As of this moment, the journalist had already documented their stay and had moved on to more important things, a book. Next to him, he kept the light low so as not to disturb his roommate while he read but he knew it didn't matter.

The younger figure lying on the bed next to him had his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling. The onetime scholar knew that something was on the younger man's mind just begging to be voiced but had yet to do so. Taking a deep calm breath, he knew that both of them should be sleeping just that it seemed to elude them for the moment. So here they sat in silence lost in their own thoughts. Green eyes stared at the words in front of him but did not read. His mind had wandered and the book was now just there for show.

He wondered when Gojyo would return and if Sanzo had managed to fall asleep yet. When they reached the Inn only three rooms were available. Sanzo professed that since it was his card that paid for the rooms he should have his own. Gojyo had demanded a single stating that sharing a room would only cramp his style. Not that he believed for one instant that Gojyo would return with someone, he acquiesced without much argument. Since their journey had began, the half-breed only kept up the pretence of womanizing for appearance sake. Chasing skirts had slowly lost its luster over the past few months but he would never admit aloud that he no longer had the desire for late night romps. Besides gambling was still so engrained in his personality that the prospect of hooking up with someone was always there. Still he knew that the man would come back solo with pockets full of cash and a hangover to greet him in the morning.

As for their fearless leader, he just hoped a good night's rest would put him in a better mood. Lately there had been so much arguing and bickering between the quartet, that he felt a night alone might do the monk good. Of course a night without his shadow only dampened the younger man's mood. Maybe that's what kept the boy awake, he gathered. Goku always put Sanzo's welfare above all else, and being separated from him must have been a strain. While pondering these thoughts he was surprised to hear the tentative voice cut the silence. "Hakkai?"

A small smile curved his lips as he answered, "Yes, Goku?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Certainly, what is it?"

"Well," he began sounding a bit unsure. Carefully, he sat himself up so that he could look at the older man across from him. "It's just, I've been wondering." Drawing his legs up to his chest, Goku wrapped his arms around his knees and rest his chin against them. Sitting there he seemed to be lost in thought and stopped talking.

Hakkai realized that whatever was on Goku's mind, it was going to last them a while. There were few times, he saw the youngest member of their band so contemplative. And when these moments did occur it was usually something that bound them together even further. Carefully, he noted the page then closed the book and laid it on his lap. Realizing that Goku was not going to continue on his own, he prompted, "What were you wondering?"

"Well, it's just that we've been going to stop Gyumaoh's resurrection right. And that if we manage to accomplish this everything will go back to normal. The demons would stop their rampage and could live once more with humans peacefully."

"That's the theory anyway."

"But what I've been wondering is, what's it like to be normal? I mean, I've always lived in the monastery with Sanzo but now that we've been on such a long journey, I wonder if we can go back to living there like we have been."

"It's had to say." And he meant it truthfully, he hadn't really thought about it before, but he was now questioning the end as well. "I guess that is where you would go when this is all over. And Gojyo and I would go back to our home too."

"You know sometimes, I envy you two."

"How so?"

"You can come and go as you please. And you don't always have those stupid monks waiting to pounce on you the instant you make a mistake. It must be great to have that kind of freedom."

"You would think so, but we do not have everything provided for us like you do. It takes money and work to live on your own. I learned that first with Kanan but with Gojyo its different but in a good way."

They sat in silence for a while, once again drawn into their own musings, when Goku broke the reticence for a second time. "Can I ask you another question?"

"Of course."

"What, uh what did you teach before, you know? I mean, you were a teacher right? Back then, before then?" Goku stumbled for the right words. He knew the subject was not something that they discussed and he knew his was violating that unspoken pact but he was just to curious to let it drop.

Knowing that Goku was not trying to be mean, but allowing his curiosity to rule him, he did his best to sound calm when answering. "What is the point of asking that now? That life is long dead, and it would serve no purpose to bring it up now."

Bright Golden eyes closed thoughtfully. "I've always wanted to know what it would be like to have a real childhood. To go to school and grow up and have a job. I know it's something that I'll never have but I always wished I could. I guess I just wanted to know, in case I ever did get the chance, what you could have helped teach me."

At this, he couldn't help the sad smile that graced his features. Emerald eyes watched the figure shrug next to him and thought about what was said. "I thought you would have realized by now, that my childhood was not that normal either." A barrage of images flashed through his mind, a few good mostly bad. It took his breath away before he could finally banish them.

"I guess so, but it beats being stuck in a prison for 500 years."

"That's probably true." Hakkai closed his eyes and dropped his head forward. So often he forgot that this usually bright and energetic young man was centuries older than himself. It's just that the majority of those years were spent locked away on top of a mountain, thus keeping the youngster innocent beyond his years. Suddenly feeling restless, he stood up and walked over to the window to look out. "I sometimes wonder if it would have been better if I were locked away somewhere rather than live the hell I have."

Goku's brilliant eyes shot open and he stared at the man apprehensively, "Don't say things like that. No one deserves to live all alone without any hope of escape. I don't know how I survived so long there myself. And I'll always be thankful for Sanzo saving me from my solitude. You should never wish for such a horrible thing."

Hakkai smiled and laughed softly, grateful for the young man's kindness, just that he felt it was undeserving. Leaning against the edge of the window, he crossed his arms and laid his head along the edge. "Thank you, but I still can't help but wonder. Crimes are committed by people every day, big small, human or youkai. And I have committed many myself. Three years ago, I welcomed death as my fate. But after Gojyo saved my, I would have been satisfied with a solitary prison far way from the living world." He let out another little sarcastic chuckle, "I see now, that this was a much worse punishment than I could have imagined. Fitting, but still cruel. With so much blood on my hands the weight of guilt on my conscious I will never be free again. I will forever be working to make up for the wrong I have committed."

"You've got it all wrong. They spared you because deep down you are a good person. And I for one am glad that you're still here. And I know Sanzo and Gojyo feel the same." While he spoke, Goku rose from his bed to come stand next to his companion. As he stood there, both gazing out into the night, his voice dropped low, "I know I must've done something horrible to be locked away for so long. And for a long time, I couldn't fathom what it could have been. But since I've… since those times when I went berserk, I realized that I may have deserved my prison in the mountain. I've vowed never to remove my limiter again, I don't want to hurt anyone else, especially you guys. And I know you feel the same too. That's why you always take care of us and heal us and watch out for us. I've never seen you without your limiter but I know you fear what you can do too. I've seen the look in your eyes after some of our battles when your hand is on your ear checking to see if they were still there. I know that look because it is exactly how I see myself when I get worried too. So I don't ever want to hear you say that you don't deserve life ever again, you hear me?"

"Hai," a genuine smile on his face as he looked tenderly at the junior member. Pushing off the wall, Hakkai came up behind Goku and embraced him in a warm hug. "As long as you, Sanzo and Gojyo are around, I will live on. And I will never speak of such dark thoughts ever again." He spoke honestly to his 'little brother' knowing how much Goku needed to hear them.

"Good." The younger said, and they stayed that way for long minutes lapsed in a comfortable silence. When Hakkai was about to break off, he was distracted once more by a question. "Hakkai? What was it like – to become a demon? I know when I change I fell like I'm losing myself. That all my thoughts get taken over by this overwhelming need to kill. What was it like to change over from a human to a demon?"

Hakkai took a long deep breath to find the courage to answer. Gently, he let he arms fall away and he turned his back from the night sky. The nightmare of that time long ago crashing to the forefront of his mind. Finally, he found the will to answer. "Pain." His voice so soft, he hoped that Goku couldn't hear him. "A lot of pain. Like my body was trying to rip apart but also trying to fold in on itself." Memory revived the ache in his stomach and he soon realized that he was no longer standing but kneeling on the ground and looking down at his hands. "I think now that that was Chin Yisou's plan all along when we fought. Perhaps he was getting his revenge for what I had done right then and there and I just played right into his hands. He told me as we both stood there with gaping wounds in our bellies about the legend and he laughed as I stood there with his blood on my hands. And then all there was, was agony."

A tender hand touched his shoulder as Goku knelt next to him. "I'm sorry." The golden eyed youth didn't know how to console his friend and decided that it was better not to really try. Instead, he asked another question. "Is being human any different than being youkai?"

Thankful for the slight change in direction, Hakkai answered, "No – and yes. Before the plague that swept through Shangri La, there was little difference. I even had a few acquaintances that were demon as well as a number of students. And at the time I couldn't have told you a difference if you asked me. But there is one major difference. As a demon you must always be aware of the dark power deep with in you and not let it over power you. That is why they have limiters, to keep in check the savagery that can surface at any given moment. And now that the youkai have all gone mad, it's plain to see the difference. Which is why we must do our best to make this mission a success."

"Don't worry Hakkai, we'll make sure this Gyumaoh guy never wakes up. And then we can go home and finally live life the way we want to. And all the demons will go back to being friends with the humans and Shangri La will be back to normal. You'll see."

"I hope so Goku. I just wonder at what cost." Goku's head tilted in curiosity, he was about to press the issue but Hakkai cut him off. "Look, it's getting late. And if we don't get some sleep soon, we'll regret it. Sanzo isn't going to give any sympathy if we're tired and he'll want to go as soon as we're finished breakfast." Slowly, he picked himself off the ground and offered a hand to help Goku up. "Let's go to bed." Each one walked over to their bunk and laid down. Hakkai turned the sole lamp off casting them into the darkness. A few moments later, he said, "Good night, Goku."

"Night, Hakkai."

"And Goku, I'm glad we had this talk."

"Me too." Goku smiled, content with their conversation. He rolled over and got comfy. "See you in the morning."

"Bright and early." The smile could be heard in his voice, if not seen. The green-eyed brunette lay there for a few more minutes before finally drifting off to a dreamless slumber. These rare moments of camaraderie were precious, but this would not be the last of them. Their journey was still far from over.

fin.

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Well, thanks for reading. And if you liked or even if you thought it sucked, please let me know. Domo!! :D

Oh and on a side note, if you happen to like my style and have some time please let me know if you would be willing to beta. I have about 3-4 other Saiyuki stories in the works but I would really prefer they be beta'd before posting. (unlike this one. ;) ) And all my usually beta's are Star Wars only. So please if you feel up to it, I would be most appreciative. I'm still kinda new to the whole anime/manga thing and would really like some help. Domo ariagato gozaimasu!! :D