What possessed me to write this? I have no clue. I was watching Friends, and "The One With Rachel's Book" came on...

Plus, I was looking at this at the time.

ojaganshi./art/FMA-Sexyback-46986029 (Add a little http thing in there.)

Yeah...

Anyway...

I hope you like it.

General Roy Mustang poked his head in the Elric brother's apartment, looking for someplace to take a nap. He'd been watching Black Hyate for Hawkeye, but that dog had eaten something bad. He assumed the face cream one of his dates had accidentally left…

Anyway, the Elric's lived right next door, and if he didn't take a nap, he was going to get cranky. He was sure the Elric's wouldn't be too angry.

"Edward? Alphonse? Anyone home?" Roy waited. No answer. So he zoomed over to his apartment and poked his head in. "Hey, Black. How'ya doin' buddy?… EW!" He jerked back and slammed the door as puppy retching noises escaped from behind the door. "What is in that face cream?"

He walked into the Elric's home and poked his head into one of the two bedrooms. It was simply furnished, with a desk covered alchemical theorems and mathematics.

Edward's room… Roy thought. He went over to the bed and planted his face right in.

"So soft!" He said with a sigh, pulling the covers up. "Pillow cases!" He snuggled down into the bed, then frowned and yanked out from underneath his back a small, worn, paper-back book. He opened it, then looked at the cover, then started to read.

"… WHOA! …. Oh! This is a dirty book!" Roy said with a grin, settling back to read.

-- The Next Day…

Colonel Edward Elric walked into Mustang's office to find him sweeping. Why? He had no idea.

"Mustang, what're you doing?" The young alchemist asked slowly.

"Sweepin'. Why? Turning you on?" He asked smoothly, continuing to sweep.

"No…" Ed muttered, putting the report on the desk. "Anyway, I-"

"What if I was… sweepin' a chimney?" Roy asked, motioning with the broom as if he was sweeping a chimney.

"… General, did you eat that chick's face cream?" The young man asked with a smirk. Roy shook his head with a laugh. Edward started to leave.

"Where're you goin'? The vicar won't be home for hours!" Roy called after him, grinning. Ed walked back in quickly, his face pale.

"General… where did you learn that word?"

"I think you know… Zelda."

"AH! You read my book!?"

"Yeah I did!" Roy grinned as his group of subordinates walked in, taking in Ed's stiff form and Roy's grin. Ed looked at them, and lowered his voice and walked closer to Roy, taking him by the wrist and dragging him behind the desk.

"What are you even doing in my apartment? In my bedroom!?" He whispered angrily.

"I'm sorry," Roy whispered back. "I needed to take a nap, and I know I shouldn't have, but you got porn!" Ed blushed furiously.

"It's not p- You know what? I don't care! It's just… a healthy expression of… teenage sexuality. Which, I assure you, is something you no longer understand!" And with that, Ed stalked stiffly out of the room. Mustang watched him leave, then snickered.

"He's got porn!" He whispered to himself.

--

For the next couple of days, Edward was plagued with near constant sexual innuendos from his book. All dished out by Roy.

"Ah, damn. This coffee's cold. Hey, Ed. Mind if I heat it on your burning loins?"

"Hey, I smell something… something burning. Ah, must be your burning loins!"

"Whoa, Zelda. You seem a little tense; maybe you'd loosen up if I gave you a nice milk bath?"

Etc.

Ed was pretty much sick of it. Thankfully, the General only did this when no one else was around, but he needed some way to making the General stop.

Opportunity came three days later.

Roy came in wearing helmet.

"Mustang, why are you dressed like that?" Ed asked wearily.

"I'm a vicar!" Roy said with a smirk.

"You know what?" Ed snapped, throwing his papers on his desk (he was Roy substitute secretary while Hawkeye was away). "I sick of this! All your quotes and stupid innuendos. It's just not funny anymore!" He glared at Mustang, starting to walk off.

"Hey, hey, look Ed. I'm sorry. Really, I am." Roy said quickly. Ed sighed and turned. "Would it make you feel better if I… took you roughly in the barn?" He smothered a laugh as Ed snarled. Then Ed stopped.

"You know what? You're right. Let's do it." Ed said with a sensual look. Roy stopped, staring at the young man in shock.

"What?" He said blankly.

"I've been trying to fight it… but you just said all the right things." Ed said, leaning across the desk and tugging at Roy's tie.

"Y-w-your s-starting to sound like the-the butcher's wife, t-there in ch-chapter seven…" Roy found himself against a wall, both literally and figuratively.

"Oh, I've wanted so long to get on that body."

"S-seriously, Ed. Stop."

"Come on, baby. Take off those clothes. But I'd keep that helmet on, 'cause you're in for a rough ride." Ed looked up at Roy with expectant eyes. Roy looked down at Ed with freaked out eyes.

"I don't want to. I'm scared." Roy said, trembling a little. Ed looked kind of put out, then burst out laughing and turned around.

And came face to face with Havoc, Breda, Fallman, Furey, Hawkeye and Alphonse.

"How long have you guys been standing there?" Roy asked.

"'I've been trying to fight it… but you just said all the right things.'" Havoc quoted, trying not to laugh. Ed grinned, held his head high, and walked out of the room, leaving a shocked, freaked, and slightly turned on Mustang in his wake.

--

"Um, Edward?" Schezka tapped on the young man's shoulder. He looked up from his work.

"Yeah?"

"Why's Alphonse talking about chimney sweeps and vicars?"

…

"I don't know… maybe he's rehearsing for some play?"

"Huh. Yeah, because it sounded like something from a really bad porn novel."

Okay, Ed was totally OOC during the whole "Come on baby" thing. But he was desperate, people! Seriously!