Tina Belcher had always suspected that she had hidden depths of greatness, but never truly believed it before she received a mysterious letter informing her she had won an exclusive scholarship to St. Hadrian's Finishing School for Girls, in England, Britain.
"Uhh I'm really not ok with this" Bob said. "It sounds expensive and also who will man the grill when I have my four o'clock appointment"
"No Bobby, this is for the best" Linda decided. "Our little baby's all grown up and going to finishing school. Our Teeny Tina in England! Oh, I love it!"
Tina was sad as she boarded the plane, knowing that it would be many a moon (both calendar wise and butt wise) before she would see Jimmy Jr's perfect apples again, but England is full of horses and maybe she would meet a centaur, or simply a boyfriend. Either way, it was time to take the plunge.
Having arrived in England, Britain, Tina checked her reflection. She looked good enough to eat.
Outside the airport a long black limousine was waiting to take her to St. Hadrian's. In the car was Matron, one of St. Hadrian's teachers who also moonlighted as an agent for Spyral.
"You're Matron!" said Tina. "I know from the brochures! I thought you would be more Italian."
"You're Nasthalia Luthor?" Matron AKA Helena Bertinelli but NOT AKA Huntress because New 52 asked, her afro gently swaying in the England Britain breeze. Lex Luthor's niece really didn't look like her photos.
" Uhhhhhhhhhh…. Yes." Said Tina, out of politeness. "But most people call me Nastina for short, and then most people shorten that down to Tina. So yes. I'm Tina."
"Oh. Ok." Said Matron.
As the car pulled out of the airport Tina began to suspect that this really was all too good to be true. Maybe they didn't really want Tina, on account of her not being Nasthalia Luthor, who she was fairly certain they did want.
"What kind of martial arts do you do?" Matron asked, to break the ice.
"Capoeira," replied Tina wondering why this might be important, "I also do horse riding, in my mind. And butt touching."
"What was that?" Asked Matron.
"I said horse riding. What um, martial arts do you do?"
"I shoot things with my cross bow. Sometimes I kick them in the face. It's a very special form of martial arts which I have devised from all of the martial arts."
"So you do capoeira too." Said Tina. "We have so much in common we should be friends. Well, we can't be friends because you're a teacher but you could maybe treat me as your favourite student. That would be nice."
"I don't do favourites." Said Matron.
To both the relief of Matron and Tina, they soon arrived at St. Hadrian's. It was a big grand gothic building and all the students were waiting on the front steps for them. There were no horses.
"The girls will most probably try to kill you," said Matron. "It's a little thing they like to do to the new girls."
"Like, actually, kill?" Tina asked nervously, her eyes scanning the assembled girls. They all looked like murderers and had really nice hair and also uniforms.
"Oh yes," said Matron airily. "But it's nothing a capoeira expert like you can't handle."
There was an audible gasp as Tina stepped out of the car.
"That's Nasthalia Luthor?" One of the girls asked. "But she's not bald!"
"I can't even fathom how stupid all you bitches are." Matron said shortly. "Ten points from Griffyndor! Now I'm off to do some work for Spyral."
"You just got back from Spyral," another girl pointed out. "When do you actually teach us?"
"FIFTY POINTS FROM GRIFFYNDOR!" Matron disappeared.
With Matron out of the way, the girls eyed Tina even more suspiciously. Tina was beginning to suspect that her high socks and black skirt and blue top and also black converse were not perhaps the best fashion items with which to make an impression. She moved her hair clip to the other side of her fringe. If she could be Dina, she could be Nasthalia Luthor. She, Tina, was not going to give up until she had ridden a horse. Or touched a centaur's butt.
"Well, newbie," said one of the girls, "I suppose you know how we do things in England, Britain. You want to get through these front doors and to cook's spotted dick, you're going to have to fight us! STEPH! FIGHT THE NEW GIRL!"
"Fists or batarangs?" Steph asked.
"I choose…. Fight by erotic friend fiction!" said Tina.
Luckily, before Steph could beat Tina into a bloody pulp, DICK GRAYSON ARRIVED. He was undercover as a gay French acrobat instructor at St. Hadrian's, but the second he saw Tina he knew his cover was BLOWN
In this story Tina is 18 not 14 so everything that is about to happen is legal and Dick is not a paedophile.
The second Tina saw dat Dick ass, she forgot all about Steph and horses and England and Nasthalia Luthor. She didn't know what Spotted Dick was, but she had spotted a dick and she was not about to let it go.
"Girlz," said Dick in his amazing French accent. "You should all go and do something else other than try and keel the new girll. Also Stephanie Brown, you are no longer in this continuity, so please leave this fan fiction."
Steph ran off crying.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…." Said Tina. She could see his perfect butt through his tight little jeans. It sparkled in the sunlight, and was firm, like a peach. She wanted that butt. That butt looked like it could go places.
"Tina," said Dick, "I have tried to lie to you, but I can not. I am not French. I am Dick Grayson, AKA Nightwing, aka, dat ass. You are the most awesome, incredible person I have ever met. And I've dated Batgirl, and I was thinking about shacking up with Matron but now I'm over her. Come ride on horses with me."
"But I don't see any horses." Said Tina.
"I AM A HORSE!" Said Dick, and suddenly out of that perfect ass sprouted a yet more perfect ass and also four legs and tail. He was a centaur! Lady boner, amirite?
"Wow," said Tina.
Dick neighed, his hair blowing in the breeze. "Come ride on my back, Tina!"
Tina obliged. She was so close to that ass she could smell/touch it, and Dick's hair was flapping in her face. She inhaled. He smelled like shampoo and chivalry.
Suddenly he kicked up his legs and began to ran! He galloped across the school, kicking up the freshly mowed grass and making all the girls at St. Hadrian's want to vomit because they were such a perfect couple. They ran from mid-morning until sunset, and then from sunset to sunrise. They stopped briefly for a toilet break, and then they ran again.
"Tina I love you!" Said Dick as they reached the second sunset.
"You're butt-credible!" said Tina.
Even Batman had never said anything so nice to Dick. His eyes welled with manly tears and he twisted his torso round and made out with Tina as she sat on his back. As for Tina, well let's just say she got her fill and her hands full of Dick's butt during this make out sess. It felt like everything she dreamed it would.
"I want you to marry me!" Whinnied Dick.
BUT AT THAT MOMENT NASTHALIA LUTHOR ARRIVED.
"GET OFF THAT CENTAUR!" Said Nasthalia. "I'm NASTHALIA LUTHOR, AND DICK GRAYSON BELONGS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
END OF CHAPTER ONE!