Hide's head drops on the desk, a soft, haggard breath escaping him. The pen he held rolling unceremoniously onto the floor.
"This is bullshit…" He groans, his voice muffled by the endless piles of books and paper.
The young man shifts his face to gaze across the room. Kaneki rests on one of the kitchen chairs, balanced on its back legs. His body stretched out to keep from falling, a book in his hand nearly finished. Hide spends a couple moments just watching him, the way he breathed gently, as still as a statue in the dying sunlight. He moves his eyes along his legs to his toes just touching the windowsill, the nails black, ringlet scars around them…
"Are you going to die?"
Hide blinks, his eyes reverting back. Kaneki watches him with at tilted head, smirking as he speaks, "Because if it's hurting you I'll kill it."
The young man laughs shortly, "It's studying. Not stabbing."
"You treat it like it's one and the same," Kaneki says, "And in my experience it is not that."
Hide groans again, sticking his face within his textbook, "You can't even get stabbed, asshole."
He hears the legs of the chair smack on the ground, feeling Kaneki's heat just behind him, leaning over him.
"Anatomy," Kaneki laughs, the sound ever so soft, harmonious, "You can't figure out your own body?"
"Well I've been a bit…" Hide looks up, pretending that he can actually win a glare against the Ghoul, "Distracted."
A smile creeps on Kaneki's face; "I don't think your perpetual infatuation will be a good excuse when you fail."
"Since when?"
"Just finish your homework."
Hide sighs, turning through the report, idly wiggling his fingers, "Who needs to know all the bones in the hand anyway?"
He hears Kaneki's laugh again, a hand moving around and taking his own, pinching one of his fingers, "The phalanges, distal, middle, proximal. Metacarpal bones one through five, then the carpel bones…" His voice trails into a whisper, naming each of the tiny bones as if he spent weeks memorizing them.
Hide's cheeks burn white hot, rubbing his palm and looking up at the Ghoul, "So is your paranormal bone knowledge under 'Kaneki's things he doesn't tell Hide because potatoes'?"
Kaneki watches him, his fingers lingering along his arm, "The less you know about that the better."
The young man scowls, "I've heard that before. You know you can tell me anything, right?"
"I'm aware." Kaneki says, not giving any other reasoning. He pulls the sleeve of Hide's shirt of, pinching down, "That is the radius, the other is the ulna."
Hide waves him away, failing to act irritated, "Go finish your damn book."
He laughs, the noise sending chills along Hide's skin as he moves away. He himself smiles softly, scooping the pen from the floor, looking at his arm, the sleeve still pulled up. It was easy to guess why Kaneki didn't tell him everything he's done. He didn't want Hide to fear him. In a way, there is no way of preventing such a thing. There is always that tiny, corner voice in his brain telling him to run like Hell was at his heels every day.
He continues working, tapping his pen in a random rhythm, finding it even harder to concentrate than before. He knew back before all this Kaneki was the smartest one he knew, with all the books he read. Memorizing every bone in the body is just stupid nerd knowledge, right?
Why can't he name this damn bone?
"Kaneki," He huffs, the frustration in his voice prominent, he didn't want it to be, but it was.
He was there in half a second, looking down at the papers. The smile on his face is sympathetic to his distress. He reaches over, running two fingers along his jaw, "Mandible." He pecks a kiss on his forehead, moving away again, "Perhaps you should take a break."
It sounds amazing to him, and the hinting voice Kaneki gives makes it even more desirable. However the tiny voice activates again, heating the trail Kaneki creating on his jaw. It was so gentle.
How fast could he break it? If he had not eaten.
He pushes away from the desk, standing and shoving his hands in his pockets, heading to the door.
"Hide, it's getting dark," Kaneki speaks from the other room.
"I'm not going anywhere," Hide assures, "I just need to get some air."
The Ghoul leans over from the bedroom, his eyes soft, so soft, "I can go with you."
"No—" Hide breaths out slow, "I just need air," He says again, vanishing out the door before Kaneki can protest. If he did stay he would certainly win. Kaneki always won those arguments.
And he knew that if he spends to long he would come.
He slips down the stairs, walking out to the front, the night air refreshing. He hated how the voice bugged him, picked at him. It was natural, of course, wasn't it? No. Not for him anyway. He loved him; there was no doubt that he would do anything to help him. But the fear poked at him just so, like a lazy parasite.
He wanders along the street, a passive need to go back to inside creeps past him. He needed a distraction from reality. The voice he pushes back into the end of his mind as he turns, very nearly running into a man behind him. He blinks, laughing a little, "Sorry, sir. I was zoned out for a bit there."
"Oh, it's alright," The man says, a hood shadowing his eyes, he steps closer, "Why don't you do me a favor and give me something."
God dammit.
Hide steps back, "Ah, I don't know what you want but I probably don't have it," He says, "And it would be better for both of us if you didn't try anything."
"You're pretty funny," The man says, just moving closer as Hide backs up, "You don't leave very much at night. I was starting to lose hope."
The young man's expression grows confused. It is clear enough that this guy has been watching him for a while by why? From where? There is a distinct sinking feeling in Hide's stomach. He looks up, trying to spot red in the man's eyes.
"I don't know who you are…" Hide babbles on, "But you really don't want to get any closer…" He feels his back touch a wall. He only needs a little more time.
"Why not?" The man speaks softly, reaching out and touching his jaw, "Don't you remember me?"
Hide stares, so close he could see the man's features, but it didn't matter to him. It really didn't, "Stop—" He pushes his hand away, "You're going to die."
The man laughs, its familiar to him in a way, but at the same time forgettable.
"I'm going to die?" He repeats, leaning closer, "Are you going to kill me?"
Hide's hands curl into fists, pulling his head away from his as far as he can, "Honestly you will probably wish that in a moment."
"I'm sure I would," the man's breath is warm on his neck.
Just a couple more seconds.
"I'm a bit surprised," The man speaks, "You're not scared."
This is bullshit. He's going to hear about this for a week. He's going to be lectured, followed to class for exams.
"I'm going to ask you," Hide speaks slowly, "To let me go, and walk away."
The man watches him. He couldn't see his eyes fully…he really did hope the bastard was at least thinking about it.
He wasn't. Because half a second later Hide catches himself on the asphalt, a burning pain on his face. He's yanked up again, feeling something cold touch his throat.
"You think you need to give me a choice, sunshine?" He hisses, "I should cut out your tongue."
Hide swallows, feeling the blade cut into him, but his eyes steel up as he looks straight past the man and back, "You should have listened."
"Oh," The man laughs again, "and why is that?"
Hide closes his eyes, relaxing against the wall, "Because he's not going to give you the same chance."
He sucks in a breath as the man's weight vanishes in an instant; a scream harshly cut off. He feels the blood from the knife slowly fall down his neck as he calls out, "Should I keep my eyes closed?"
He hears a sickening crack of a knuckle, Kaneki's voice chilled, "That would be preferred." There is distinct sound of kagune, "You should cover your ears too."
-888—
"His name was Del." Hide says, staring off at his peeled off shirt piled on the floor, relaxing to the rhythm Kaneki pets back his hair, feeling his chest rise and fall against his back.
"Then you knew him then?" He speaks softly.
"Pretty sure he was some kind of garbage man. He helped me move into this place, bought me coffee a couple times…didn't think he'd be so stupid…Or maybe I was…he didn't seem like any harm."
"I can't imagine how you'd know," Kaneki's sighs, wrapping an arm around him, "Don't believe it to be your fault."
It wasn't what Hide was thinking of. The tiny voice was back, reveling in the bitter, bitter irony that was this whole event. Someone he thought was kind, who he thought was a friend trying to take advantage of him, hurt him.
Now here he is, laying with someone, his best friend who can kill him in seconds.
He groans, grabbing a pillow and dropping it over his head, "Shut up you stupid voice…"
"Hide…"
The young man feels the pillow get pulled away, a weight pressing down on him. He shifts, looking up at Kaneki.
His eyes are soft, so kind and concerned, almost like before his hair changed, almost like he didn't rip someone to pieces and eat their insides an hour ago.
"You don't have to pretend you're not afraid," He says, leaning closer, touching his forehead with two fingers, "It's natural. You gravitate to it like any normal person. You struggle with it…yet you haven't given up."
Hide watches him, brown eyes wandering up his body, and he speaks up "I guess I haven't, have I?" He cracks a smile, "You're hard to give up on. If I'm gravitated to anything its you."
Kaneki pulls his hand away, then laughs, it isn't the same laugh, its calm and carefree, his frosted hair falling in his face, "…God you're a dumbass."
"Eh heh," Hide laughs back, "Then why are you blushing?"
The Ghoul sets a hand in his hair, touching his forehead to his, "I'm not blushing. You're dreaming."
"Must be from all my love for you!" Hide presses, exaggerating his phrases, laughing cut off but Kaneki's lips pressed against his. He feverishly wraps his arms around him, the rhythm aggressive, the beat frantic.
"I swear you are going to get yourself killed," Kaneki hisses out, his fingers twisted in Hide's hair, kissing along his jaw, the pressure hot, "I swear you'll die and you'll bleed rainbows."
Hide chuckles, feeling his way around Kaneki's muscles, "You've seen my blood. It's not that cool." He kicks over, roll up on him, his legs twisted along his, "Maybe you just need to be less serious."
"I need to be," He says, gazing up at the ceiling while Hide's mouth moves down his neck, "I need to pro—" He cuts off, a pin-poke pain along the crook of his shoulder.
Hide glances up, his grin mischievous, "Oh, I'm sorry, I've just heard that line about a thousand times I felt it was a good time to bite you."
"No fair when I can't do the same," Kaneki chuckles, "I should kick you off this bed for interrupting me when I'm talking."
"Well…" Hide sets his arms on his chest, leaning forward, "You could bite me, but I know I'm delicious so…"
"Don't push it," Kaneki whispers, the voice almost vulnerable, "I'll kill you."
There is a blankness to Hide, a horrible, horrible idea coming to him that could assassinate the tiny voice in him. It could go well as fast as go terribly wrong. At this rate, it didn't matter the risk. The constant fear pricking at him could result in something worse. He knew Kaneki feared it as much as he did, that some insatiable desire rotted him till he killed him.
He pulls him up, whispering in his ear, "Do it, go on."
Kaneki breathes out, the breath hot on him, "Hide, no…I won't stop. I can't…I won't—"
Hide grabs his face, watching him, "I need to know…" He speaks, "I need to know that you won't go all crazy…if you're afraid I will be. I promise you that. It's natural…right?"
He expected more refusal. Kaneki was that kind of person. But as he watches, his best friend stares up at him, "…I don't like when you're serious." He says, taking his hand, "But if this makes you happy…"
"I'll tell you in a minute," Hide sucks in a breath, goose bumps dotting his skin despite the heat between him. He waits, waits, then his muscles constrict, pain pulling at his shoulder, he lets a gasp escaping him, feeling liquid slip down his side, he could stop it, but his hand it tight around Kaneki's, he doesn't dare let go, fear washing over him, all at once like a wave. It's only natural. Only…natural. He shuts his eyes, waiting, waiting…
"Honestly, I've tasted better," Kaneki's voice suddenly crawls in his ear, making Hide open his eyes. Kaneki watches him, his one eye crimson, pretty in a way, so vibrant. He licks his lips, chuckling softly, "You're so pale…I'm sorry…I shouldn't joke…"
"I'm not dead…" Hide looks over, a bite mark deep in his shoulder, "That's…going to be hard to explain to neighbors." Was it really like that? So quick…the way he jokes about it like it was nothing, but his grip on his hand is still iron. There was nothing easy about this for him, the way he held onto him, the closeness to him.
"We've had a rough night," Kaneki speaks, pushing him back on the bed, his expression hard to read, intense, fighting something. He breathes, his muscles twitching, "Hide…say something stupid."
He watches him, the red in his eye hypnotizing, his cheeks grow hot, and the tiny voice fades within the stinging of his bite. He speaks, pushing Kaneki's hair back, "I love you."
Kaneki lets out the tiniest laugh, but it's the good one, the carefree one, he rolls to the side, pushing his head against Hide's neck, "That's perfect…."
Hide looks down; Kaneki's eyes are shut hard, tears slipping from his eyes. It certainly wasn't easy, was it?
He pulls him close, his chin within his frosted hair, the broken emotion his friend held back pouring from him. He smiles softly, "That was hard, wasn't it?"
He gets sputtering laughs in response, the grip on him tighter.
"Hide…" He calls.
"Yes?"
"I lied…you really are delicious."
Hide could think of a thousand ways to be afraid of that statement, but none of them arose. He speaks with the same grin, "I knew it."
He closes his eyes, curling his body around him, Kaneki's soft breaths lulling him along, the moonlight just breaking through the curtains.
"Hide…"
Hide hums, "Yes?"
"I…" Kaneki's voice is childish, peace peeking as if it's always been there, "I love you too."