Chapter 1
Scene 1
(A Doctor's Reception Area. Penny is there waiting for a meeting. There are two admin staff in the room as well. One of them is on the phone)
1st Receptionist: (on the phone) OK I will send her in. ... (turns to Penny) Doctor Jones will see you now-best of luck! (Receptionist winks at Penny)
Penny: (looks puzzled) Thanks. I should be 20 minutes ... (Penny picks up briefcase and walks towards office door)
1st Receptionist: Bet you're not that long! (said to the departing Penny)
2nd Receptionist: (Speaking to 1st Receptionist) How much?
1st Receptionist: $10 says she lasts less than 10 minutes
2nd Receptionist: Done (they shake)
(Doctor's Office-Penny has her laptop open and is presenting)
Penny: So, our new anti-depression drug is highly effective and with no significant side effects.
Dr Jones: No significant side effects? I hear that it reduces a man's libido and causes erectile disfunction. Now that's something that I would call significant! Not that I have a problem with either of them.
(He gets up from chair and sits on edge of desk and starts looking at Penny's chest)
Penny: Well that was never proven, and, in most cases, it was the result of alcohol abuse.
Dr Jones: How much alcohol are we talking about (he gets closer to Penny)
Penny: A glass of wine.
Dr Jones: A whole glass! And you reckon they don't feel depressed afterwards? (he gets even closer) So, what's in it for me if I started prescribing your drug over the current product? (he is leering at Penny now)
Penny: Happy patients who will be forever grateful
Dr Jones: How about happy Doctors? (he lunges at Penny who pushes the chair back. Dr Jones falls on the floor)
Penny: (Grabs her briefcase, picks up her laptop and starts to leave) I think I will put you down as "Considering switching but needs further information" (she leaves office)
1st Receptionist: That was quick.
Penny: You could have warned me!
1st Receptionist: I thought I did
(Penny leaves office)
2nd Receptionist: 8 minutes 35 seconds; you win... (she hands over $10 bill)
TITLES
Scene 2
Cafeteria at University. Leonard and Howard are having lunch.
Leonard: You look tired? Not sleeping?
Howard: I'm sleeping just like a baby-sleep for an hour, cry for two hours, sleep for an hour…
Leonard: What is the problem?
Howard: Halley's teething. Good news is that we take it in turns to get up and go to her.
Leonard: So was it your turn last night?
Howard: No, it was Bernie's.
Leonard: So why are you so tired today?
Howard: Well, when it's her turn, Bernie brings Halley back into our bed, puts ear plugs in and goes back to sleep.
Leonard: Awww. Sounds really cute! Leonard has a soppy look on his face
Howard: Hello-Do I detect the sound and look of a man with procreation on his mind?
Leonard: Penny's always said she never wanted kids but that situation with Zack and his wife has got me thinking again. I never thought I would ever find someone to have sex regularly with so procreation was something so far off and impossible to reach that I would need a Vogan Battleship complete with an Infinite Improbability Drive to reach there. Mind you you've boldly gone and got the t-shirt so there there's hope for the rest of Geekdom.
Howard: I will take that as a complement.
Leonard: He stares into space I just think it would be just amazing. Imagine-my brains and Penny's looks?
Howard: What about its twin? Imagine your eye-sight and Penny's brains? Now that would be a challenge. So, why do you think that Penny might change her mind?
Leonard: I don't really know. I think she may feel if there is going to be a little Hofsteder out there it should be hers as well. I think I might make a fancy meal and buy some flowers and champagne as well.
Howard: Is she still enjoying her job then?
Leonard: Think so. She has just been given a new Territory to work on and I told her that she will really knock them out!
Scene 3
New Doctor's Reception Area. There is just one Receptionist.
From another room comes the sound of a hard slap. Penny comes into the Reception looking slightly dishevelled
Penny: How do you cope with him?
Receptionist show Penny her rape alarm
Penny leaves
Third Doctor's Reception Area. There are two reception staff here.
There is a sound of a man crying in extreme pain followed by a large exhale of breath. Penny comes out of the office into Reception.
Penny: Dr Wolfberg appears to have some severe bruising. He will need an ice compress, a couple of Aspirin and a glass of water but suggest you leave him five minutes to get his breath back.
Scene 4
Bar at Cheesecake Factory. Penny walks in
Barman: Hi Penny. How are you? Long time no see. You look the business all dressed up with your laptop and briefcase
Penny: Fine. Well a bit hassled at present. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Makes some of the clients here look like angels. How are things here? Still busy?
Barman: Very. Always short of staff. You're not thinking of coming back are you?
Penny: No, No, No.
Barman: That's a shame. Everyone loved you.
Penny: I might know someone who is looking for a job though. If I-they-were interested might there be a job for urrr-them?
Barman: I could ask if you wanted me to.
Penny: No, No, No, well just sound them out
Scene 5
Bernadette's Office. She is on the phone to HR
Bernie: (angry) Well I'm sure there must have been a good reason-OK three good reasons.
No, I haven't heard from her today.
OK I will try and find out what has happened to her cell phone.
(Bernie picks up her cell phone and calls-Penny's ansaphone kicks in.)
Bernie: (Puts on sweet voice) Hi Penny. Can you give me a call when you get a chance? (She puts the phone down) Like in the next ten minutes!
Scene 6
Penny's Car. She switches her cell phone back on-looks at screen
Penny: 27 missed calls. Last time I had that many was when my Dad found out I wasn't staying at Mary Davis's after the Prom. Better play the voice mail
Automated voice of Cell Phone: You have six messages
Penny: Oh well; better get this over with
Automated voice: First caller. Call received at 13.00
Bill Mavers: Hi Penny. This is Bill Mavers from HR. Can you call me when you get a chance?
Automated voice: Second caller. Call received at 14.00
Bill Mavers: Mrs Hofstadter. This is Bill Mavers again. I really need you to call me as soon as you pick up this call
Automated voice: Third caller. Call received at 14.30
Bernie:(sweet voice) Hi Penny. Can you give me a call when you get a chance?
Automated voice: Fourth caller Call received at 15.00
Dan: (Pharma Sales Boss) Penny. You have some serious allegations to answer. Call me now.
Automated voice: Fifth caller Call received at 16.00
Bernie: (angry) Penny! You pick up that phone and call me
Automated voice: Sixth caller Call received at 17.00
Penny: I don't think I can handle any more of this (Starts to switch off phone)
Marcia: Hi Penny. It's Marcia from the agency. There is a part that has come up and I think you might be ideal for it. Give me a call when you get this
(Penny looks through list of missed calls. She presses the phone to call the Agent)
Penny: Hi Marcia-it's Penny. Long time no speak!
Marcia: I've been calling you for a couple of hours
Penny: Yes, I can see. I had my phone off. I thought you'd forgotten about me?
Marcia: Well things have been very quiet recently for a person of your skills and ability. Anyway, I got approached to help find someone for a part in a new TV series that is being launched and I thought of you. They have had problems casting lead female. The actress that they had for the role has just gone into re-hab and they are getting desperate.
Penny: So they are desperate, and you thought of me. Great. You know I have got myself a proper job now as a Sales Rep
Marcia: No I didn't. So, you've given up on acting? But you always told me that this was your dream.
Penny: Well it still is, if the right part came along
Marcia: Well I think this is it
Penny: Nothing to do with Gorillas is it?
Marcia: No, it is something like, well, Friends meets Friends with Benefits only it's funny. There's a bunch of geeks who can't deal with women and a new girl moves in next door. I remember you telling me your neighbors were a bit geeky-that's why I thought of you.
Penny: And none of these Geeks have problems with hair growth or beating their chest?
Marcia: No, definitely not. All I know is they still haven't found their Kaley.
Penny: Kaley. Is that the name—sounds weird. Definitely not a Primate in site and I keep my clothes on?
Marcia: It's TV and comedy and there are no Primates. They are working on the auditions today. I'll give Lucy Johnson a call and sort out the details and call you back with a time and a place. (Penny turns off phone)
Penny: OK. What the heck. Can't be any worse than going back to the office. What have I have got to lose?
Scene 7
In the apartment. Leonard is preparing a meal. There is a table cloth and a candle. There are flowers in a vase on the table too. He is planning a romantic dinner for two.
Leonard: (Singing) Your having my baby. What a wonderful way of saying how much you love me (he dances around the room holding a cushion from the chair)
(Sound of text coming through. Leonard looks at phone)
Leonard: "Something's come up at work—be back late, P xxxx"
(Leonard's phone rings. He answers it)
Bernie: Hi Leonard. Is Penny back?
Leonard: No; she just texted me to say that she will be working late
Bernie: Oh- mm-oh.
Leonard: What do you mean? Oh, mm, oh?
Bernie: Nothing-well maybe not nothing—maybe not something—maybe not
Leonard: What does that mean?
Bernie: Penny hasn't been heard from all day and HR and her Boss have tried calling several times. She's not picking up
Leonard: Has she had an accident
Bernie: No, she hasn't. Someone else has mind you.
Leonard: What does that mean?
Bernie: I can't really say. Just get her to call me. (she rings off)
Leonard: (Leaonrd calls. Penny. Her ansaphone is heard) Hi baby; Can you give me a call when you can?
(Leonard picks up a flower from the vase on the table. He starts pulling off petals)
Leonard: She loves me; she loves me not; she loves me
Scene 8
Lobby Room. There are two young Actresses there. Both very glamorous; both blond with tight tops and short skirts.
Penny: Hi. Is Lucy here?
First Actress: She's in the next room. Are you here for Kaley's part? (there is a note of surprise in her voice)
Penny: Yes. Why?
First Actress: No reason, your just quite "different" from the rest of the girls that have been here today
Second Actress: (coughs into hand but it sounds like "Old")
Penny: Well maybe they want someone who won't melt under the lights and is allowed to stay up past 8.00pm
Penny walks over to a seat as far away as she can. The door from the audition room opens and a girl similar to the other two comes out. A voice inside the room speaks
Craig: Can you ask the next person to come on through?
First Actress: (To the second actress) Wish me luck! (then to Penny) I'm sure there is a part for an older sister
Second Actress (coughs into her hand again but this time it sounds like "Ugly")
Penny: (to herself) Why do I do this?
Scene 9
Back at the apartment. Leonard is outside of Sheldon's door. He knocks three times
Sheldon: If that's you, Leonard, come in. If it's me, I'm already here.
Leonard: (Walks in) Sorry Sheldon, I'm a bit stressed, and when that happens, I go a bit crazy and when I do that, I start acting like you
Sheldon: You don't look any cleverer; just the same ol' just above average Leonard!
Leonard: Aren't you going to ask me why I'm stressed?
Sheldon: No, as I figured out that was why you came across to see me and I don't want to spoil your fun
Leonard: It's not fun. I'm worried about Penny again. She's behaving oddly
Sheldon: Surely as she's always behaving oddly to me, what you are saying is that she is behaving normally, which only appears as odd from your frame of reference
Leonard: I am not going to argue. I just want you to listen and then say "There, there, Leonard. There's nothing to worry about. There is a rational explanation, and this is what it is"
Sheldon: I could save a lot of time by just saying that now
Leonard: No, I want you to listen
Sheldon: Oh alright if I must
Leonard: Penny has gone absent at work and sent me a text saying she was working late when Bernadette tells me she wasn't working at all and so that means she has lied to me and I don't know why she has and what she's up to
Sheldon: "There, there, Leonard. There's nothing to worry about. There is a rational explanation, and this is what it is"
Leonard: (Looking relieved) Great. Well what is the rational explanation?
Sheldon: She is having an affair with one of her Doctor clients whose taller than you, has better eyesight, doesn't suffer from lactose related flatulence and makes loads more money and that's why she has lied to you.
Leonard: What!? How can you say that?
Sheldon: You asked me for a rational explanation
Leonard: Could you not have lied to me to save my pain?
Sheldon: You've already had Penny lie to you today. I thought having me lie to you as well in one day would really have been cruel.
Scene 10
Back in the Lobby Room. Penny is by herself. She takes her phone out and is about to dial Leonard.
The door from the audition room opens and the Second Actress comes out
Second Actress: I hope you can speak wierdo? They are nuttier than a Snickers. The only advice I'll give you is to watch out for the one in the turtleneck jumper-more hands than a Squid.
Penny: Thanks.
(Craig calls and Penny gets up and goes through. She enters a large room. It looks like her apartment. Inside the room are six people.
Craig, whose voice she heard is the Casting Director and is running the audition. He is on his cell phone.
There is a young woman also in the room, Lucy the Production Assistant. She has a clipboard.
The other four are actors and are all men. Lucy comes over to Penny)
Lucy: Hi, (looks at clipboard} Penny. I'm Lucy. You're the last one today, and everyone is getting a bit grouchy, so let's try and get this done without any hitches. So, what is your take on the part?
Penny: I don't really know. All I have been told is that it's a comedy for TV that is like Friends only most of them are clever.
Lucy: (looks puzzled) You mean you weren't sent a summary of the background to the show?
Penny: I was only called today and it was all a bit of a rush. So, what is it about?
Lucy; It is about four geeks who have a new neighbour who most of them fancy. You play the part of the neighbour.
Penny: Well that's a relief. Being a geek might be a challenge. Is there a script you want me to read for the audition?
Lucy: No, were you not told? Craig wants you to improvise with the guys so he can see if there is any chemistry between you all. You do impro, right?
Penny: Oh sure. (Penny crosses fingers behind her back)
Lucy: Alright. Come and meet the guys. (she walks over to four men in their early 30's who are all on their smart phones). Penny-this is Dave. He's playing Richard (Dave looks up. He wears spectacles and is dressed like Leonard in a casual jacket and sensible shirt and trousers combo. He stands up. He is noticeably taller than Leonard and quite camp)
Dave: Hi Penny. Hope you are a little less brain dead than the last one.
Penny: (She turns to Lucy) Has the impro started?
Lucy: No, that is Dave being friendly
Penny: (to Dave) Well, I hope I'm better
Lucy: (Turns to the other three guys who are still on their phones) Guys, this is Penny. She is the last for the day so just try and keep going a little longer. Penny this is Randeep; he's playing Chandra (a slim, turbaned south Asian man, around 6 feet tall stands up)
Randeep: Hiya Penny (he has a Texan accent).
Lucy: Simon (Simon stands up; he is around 5 feet 5 inches tall. He is wearing a turtle neck sweater)
Simon: Enchante Madamoiselle (he takes Penny's hand and kisses it)
Penny: Ah Hands.
Simon: No, I play Werner not Hans
Penny: My mistake
Lucy: …and, finally, this is Bill; he's playing Stephen (the third guy stands up. He is tall, black, good-looking and confident. Lucy is called over by Craig so she leaves them)
Penny: As in Hawking? And is Richard after Feynman?
Bill: Correct. How on earth did you know that? Werner is for Heisenberg and Chandra is after Raman. All very clever Physicists
Penny: It's the people I hang around with. Can you let me know what sort of characters you are? Who's the wacky one? Who's the shy one? Who's the creepy one?
Bill: You do know your Geeks! I am the brilliantly clever, slightly autistic one who happens to be gay as well although won't own up to it. Someone thought that they could tick as many minority boxes as they could with the one character. Simon plays Werner who thinks he's god's gift to women but is quite the opposite-which, as you've met him, you will see is a brilliant piece of type casting.
Penny: I was warned to keep him in view and only bend over if there was a wall behind me.
Bill: Very wise
Penny: So that leaves Dave and Randeep
Bill: Well Randeep provides a bit of the exotic foreigner who nods his head a lot and says "Exceedingly amusing" twice a sentence, or so it seems. Fact is he played quarterback for his college team and the turban is for effect. I think his part can be described as "in development".
Penny: And Dave?
Bill: Ah, that's the love interest. He is the shy sensitive one that fancies the new neighbour and we all have a laugh at his expense as he makes more and more comical attempts to bed the lovely Kaley.
Penny: Sounds a hoot. So you're playing someone who is gay but are straight and Dave's playing someone who is straight and, if my Gaydar is working properly…..
Bill: Bang on the nose. Don't ask why they cast it this way around. They must reckon I can play crazy genius better
Penny: If you need any tips on playing crazy, I know just the man who can help you. What happened to the original actress for the part?
Bill: We've been working on this for the last three months and she was getting steadily crazier and crazier. We knew she had finally flipped when she started telling everyone including Simon that she loved them. She is now in rehab. That was last week. They've got the studio time to start shooting next week hence the panic.
Penny: Makes sense. Why the impro?
Bill: They want the show to seem as natural so the scripting is "open" to allow some free-flow between the characters. What's your impro is going to be? Last one had us pretending to be in a boy band.
Penny: I didn't know it was impro until a minute ago. I have an idea though
(In the background Craig puts his phone down and calls over to Lucy to get things started)
Penny: OK how about this. You four are sitting on the couch and chairs playing a Geeky game. Let's say Dungeons and Dragons. I play the gorgeous but permanently broke neighbour who spends her time sponging off the boys. I will come up with something that I want to borrow off you. You be the one not taken in by her wicked wiles and we can impro an argument around it. The others can take my side.
Bill: Sounds good. Not bad for spur of the moment. Explain it to Craig and Lucy whilst I brief the boys. (Penny goes over to Craig)
Craig: Ah sorry about that Jenny. (He looks at his watch) It's been a long old day and we are all getting a bit tired. Have you briefed the others about your piece?
Penny: Hi Craig. It's Penny actually. All briefed and ready to go. Do you want to know the outline?
Craig: No, surprise me. (His phone beeps as a text comes in. He checks the message) Just let's start
Scene 11
Back in the apartment. Leonard is sitting at the table. The candle on the table is now burnt half way down.
Leonard is holding one of the flowers in his hand and is down to the last petals.
Leonard: She loves me; she loves me not; she loves me; she loves me not (The stem is now down to the stalk. He picks up a new one) She loves me; she loves me not…..
Scene 12
Bernadette and Howard's apartment. They are in the kitchen. Howard is cooking whilst Bernie is updating Howard on what Penny has done.
Bernie: Wham; Bam; I'm not that kind of Mam, and then she disappears.
Howard: Wow. She really hit one of your clients?
Bernie: Not one: two, two and a half if you count the one who broke his glasses when she sidestepped him; one of them is still walking with a limp and talking falsetto; the other claims he's now got tinnitus she hit him so hard
Howard: Why? Did they come onto her or something?
Bernie: Probably, but that's no excuse. She was given this new territory because it's full of middle-aged Doctors who will prescribe anything if there is a pretty face offering it. I told the sales team Penny would be ideal for it-lots of flirting and no technical questions and this is how she repays me. She could have cleaned up on her bonus. I've spent half the afternoon listening to the Sales Director sounding off about what she did.
Howard: (looking worried) Does everyone get sexually harassed when you meet up with these Doctors?
Bernie: Not everyone. I never get harassed. I try and be nice to them but for some reason they all clam up and walk around in pairs when I'm around.
Howard: Why don't I find that hard to believe. Still it seems a bit hard that some client tries it on, and everyone blames Penny for protecting herself
Bernie: Oh grow up Howard! How do you think someone like Penny is going to make a living selling prescription drugs? She is going to have some serious explaining to do and I don't think I can protect her anymore. At the very least she is going to have to apologize for what she did and hope no-one presses charges.
Howard: What happened to the "MeToo" Movement
Bernie: She's in sales so it doesn't count for her.
Scene 13
Back in the apartment. Leonard is sitting at the table. The candle on the table is now burnt all the way down.
Leonard is holding the last of the stems in his hand and is down to the last petals.
Leonard She loves me; she loves me not; she loves me; she loves me not (The stem is now down to the stalk. He drops the stem on the table and blows the candle out)
Scene 14
Back in the audition. The impro has started. The four boys are sitting on the couch and chairs playing a game. Penny approaches and pretends to open a door.
Penny/Kaley: Hi guys. Is there a problem with the wifi? I can't seem to log on.
Bill/Stephen: No, Kaley the wifi is working perfectly well, especially now that is not encumbered by the unnecessary challenge of downloading a mindless Romcom starring a bimbo with perfect teeth, blond hair and an IQ on a par with this table.
Dave/Richard: Stephen changed it to "Kaley is a scrounger"
Penny/Kaley: Ok. I think I can remember that. Any capital letters?
Bill/Stephen: No; all in lower case (Penny turns to leave) and in phonetic Klingon.
(Penny turns back)
Penny/Kaley: Oh come on that's not fair. All that grunting and roaring. Could be anything
Simon/Werner: Do not worry fair maiden. Werner the Brave will rescue this damsel in distress (he bows and then moves towards her)
Penny/Kaley: (Backing off) Well maybe I'll watch TV instead
Dave/Richard: Don't worry. I'll sort it (he gets up and smiles sweetly at Kaley)
Randeep/Chandra: But you're the Dungeon Master. You can't just leave the room like that?
Penny/Kaley: Thanks sweety. (She puts her arm around Richard's waist)
Simon/Werner: Heh! I offered first. I should have first dibs.
Penny/Kaley: No-one's having any dibs with me, first or otherwise.
Bill/Stephen: I will change the password again tomorrow-perhaps using Orcish instead. You will never defeat me!
Penny/Kaley: Want to make a bet!
Dave/Richard: Can't you offer him something in return?
Penny/Kaley: Honey I think that would be a challenge beyond even me!
Craig stands up and brings the impro to a halt
Craig: OK thanks for that. It was very good. Thank you for coming along Penny. We have seen enough. I will get Lucy here to call you if we are going to progress things
Penny: Oh. Ok. I understand. (she looks disappointed) You can get me on the mobile if you need to.
Penny picks up her coat and starts to leave. Bill comes over
Bill: Nice to meet you, Penny. Hope you get the part. If it was up to me…
Penny leans forward and kisses his cheek.
Penny: Thanks Bill. Shame you're not Craig!
Penny leaves the room. As she does, she checks her watch and exclaims
Penny: God, Leonard will be mad at me! (She makes a call on her mobile as she walks out of the room) Not picking up. Must have gone to bed early
Scene 15
Penny enters the flat which is in darkness. She stops in the kitchen to get a glass of water.
There is the remains of a meal and the stems of a dozen roses on the counter.
Penny: Hope Leonard didn't do anything special for me?
She walks through to their bedroom.
Leonard is in bed but has his back to the door.
Penny: Hi sweety. I am sorry I am so late but something came up that I had to sort out
Leonard: And you couldn't let me know? What was so important? Work?
Penny: Well yes and no. Look I've had a weird day and I'm pooped. Let's talk in the morning. Love you (she gets into bed and kisses the back of his head)
Leonard: Hope you do
© MHA 2019