My Father

I feel his presence behind me
I knew he would come
He always does
He wants to be a hero
A champion

So empty inside
So cold and almost numb
I wish I couldn't feel
Couldn't feel this searing pain

I take a deep breath
I think I feel him do the same
Funny
He doesn't breath
Or love
He's a monster….
Isn't he?

I say the words I want him to hear
I watch his face
He's scared, I think
He looks so weary
But there's no anger there
Why doesn't he hate me yet?

He can't love me
I won't let him

But he does
I can see it in his eyes
In the way he pulls his punches
And keeps telling me
Even when I sunk him to the ocean depths
He disappeared telling me he loved me

I won't believe it
Not after what I've lived through
Love is just a lie
Just a pretty falsehood
To manipulate, and destroy

I keep talking
Keep fighting
Promising myself that I won't
Won't beg him to kill me
Won't beg him to hold me
I won't beg him to make his lies of love real

That summer he was gone
She would come to my room at night
And tuck me in
She was only a few years older than me
But she was almost like a mother

But mine is dead
Dead because of me
My father is dead too
Dead because of her
I am dead
What else could I be?
So empty inside
Born of two dead things
Born of death

He holds the blade in his hands
And I see what he will do
And for a moment
Just before I feel the sting
That will finally release me….
In that one moment
I love him