A/N: A prompt from over on tumblr gave me this one - an oc in the aftermath of the simulation, struggling to reconcile her feelings for Eric with her feelings on what he's done. I had fun with this.
As always, I'm accepting prompts and requests at tumblr. I love to hear from people, and delight in chatting! My url is paradigmflaws - you can find a direct link there on my fanfiction homepage!
Dauntless has been broken. I want to cry. I can feel the burn of tears in my eyes as I look down over the city. From the room in our apartment, I can see one of the entrances to the compound. People dressed in Dauntless black stagger in, confusion and distress in every line of their bodies.
I cannot blame them.
They have just woken from a simulation, have been told to do terrible things. Inexcusable things. Unforgivable things. My heart seizes in my chest at the thought.
I will not cry. My teeth grit, resolve steeling my emotions. Despite my backbone though, I cannot turn and face the door. I know he is standing there, staring at me. Waiting for me. I haven't replied, though, I haven't given him an answer.
Frankly, I am surprised that he has given me a choice.
It is only seconds later that I realize I had said it out loud. His sound of agitation is loud in the otherwise silent room. I might have once turned at it, shifted, startled - but now I find that I cannot move. If I turn around, I might yield. I might be moved by the expressions on his face and I know, in my heart, that I will not forgive myself if I am.
What is worse? Not to forgive him, or not to forgive myself? I do not know.
I do not know what to do.
"Come on," Eric repeats, the tone of the Dauntless leader creeping into his voice.
Is he still a leader? Is there anyone left to assert themselves over a broken faction? My jaw clenches. If there are, I will not be beloved by them. I will not be trusted by them. Why should I be? I am in love with the man who betrayed them, used them, destroyed us all.
They have no reason to trust me. They have no reason to love me. I have no reason to believe that I have any other choice. Still, I am Dauntless. Fear will not influence my decisions.
"Justice is more important than peace," I say, and for all that my words are a whisper I might have shouted them in the stillness. My shoulders square, and I turn to face him.
His form is familiar to me, even with new bruises, new cuts. I ache to reach out to him, to trace the lines of his face. My fingers itch to curl between his, to tuck my shoulder just behind his and draw on his strength and his control. I will not allow myself such weakness though, and I fold my arms behind my back as I stare at Eric for a moment.
My voice doesn't shake. "I'm not going with you." I take a step forward, towards the door, towards him. For a moment, my heart thuds faster, racing with the possibility of him. I do not entertain the thought as I shove past him into the hallway. "I can't, Eric." People stagger past us in the hall, grief and confusion rife on their faces. "Not after this."
His hand is hard on my shoulder. "You didn't know," he tries to say, his voice calm. "There are circumstances -" and Eric tries to explain, tries to justify it.
I refuse to hear him. I twist away from him, my knees shaking as I pace away from him to the stairs. "No, Eric." My voice is hard even though my heart aches. "This isn't justice. This isn't bravery. I don't know what you thought it was, but I won't - can't - be with the man who did this."
My heart is broken. I have broken it myself, seized it between my hands and wrenched it down hard over my knee with my own words. I will not apologize for it. I will not regret it.
I leap onto the stairs as I hear the thud of heavy footsteps behind me. Without hesitation, I fly down the passageway, taking stairs three at a time and jumping to reach each landing even faster. By the time I hit the main floor of the Dauntless compound, I feel that I am flying. My feet touch stone and I take off at a dead sprint. I don't need light to show me the way.
I will leave here. I do not know where I will go, but it will not be to Erudite, and it will not be with Eric. I can forgive myself for leaving the man I love. I will not forgive him for doing this to us all.