Act III
By: India and Alyse. Yes, we are sad. We have no lives. The sad thing is, we know we have no lives.
Author's Note: It's been so loooong. We know you must be at the point when you're about to shoot us with lasers or jab us with your scimitars. But now we shall finish what we started. Maybe. India has discovered Jhonen Vasquez is hot.
It is highly suggested you read our fanfic "Outtakes" before reading these fics. HIGHLY. If you don't, you'll be more confused than we are.
Now, we continue…
Back in Mithril (or Mithral if you are so inclined. Question: why the hell did they change the spelling? It's all Greenwood's doing…anywhoo….) Hall……
(Drizzt is dragged out of the Hall, comparing the quality of his wool stockings against Jarlaxle's)
Jarlaxle: (returns to his seat, rolling his eyes at the gaping Artemis)
Artemis: Lloth! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Jarlaxle: (Holds up a small bottle.) No dear. I'm taking those.
Artemis: Dear?! (blinks)
Cattie-brie: (Walks in wearing an almost see through nightgown, low collar and all, actually, let's just say it's not something she should be walking around in, or at all really. It might fall off.)
Drizzt: (runs back in. kneels in front of Cattie-brie in that oh-so-noble-on-one-knee pose) Cattie-brie! My true love! These foul villains have infiltrated our homely home of the goodly good folk and- (gasps, eyes wide as saucers, leaps to his feet) Boobies!!! (dives at her, only to be smacked to the floor)
Cattie-brie: Yer a loser! How could I not know my love? Drizzt is he, and he is right there! Drizzt! (seats herself in Jarlaxle's lap)
Artemis: Hey!
Jarlaxle: Hey...(wiggles eyebrows)
(Guards drag Drizzt out again, depositing him outside)
Jarlaxle: (carries Cattie-brie into his bedroom. Winks at Arty) I'll be right back.
Meanwhile…
Rai-guy: (lazily clambers out of the now cold jacuzzi) Hey Kimmi…
Kimmuriel: Yeah? (grabs a towel)
Rai-guy: Aren't we supposed to be doing something while we're here?
Kimmi: Again? I suppose we could find something to do here….(giggles)
Rai-guy: Well, we could. But first I need to know why we're here….Let's ask Jarlaxle! Keeper of the Magical Mint!
Kimmuriel: Yes! Let's go! (wraps an arm around Rai-guy and they walk across the hall to "Drizzt's Room". At least that's what the sign says. o.O )
Cattie-brie: (opens the door as Rai-guy is about to knock, looking very, ah…disheveled) 'ello friend of Drizzt…(watches Entreri come up)….and Artemis.
Artemis: (watches Cattie go into her bedroom) …Ah.
Kimmuriel: Let's go see Jarlie! (runs into room, regrettably doing so, turns around) Not even rai and I use that many metal objects!
Raiguy: Lemme see! (pokes head "in." Screeches.) Uh….back to the room?
(Kimmuriel and Artemis nod, following Rai-guy back into the room)
Meanwhile…
Jarlaxle: (Enters room in fuzzy pink bath robe, stretched languidly, yawns) hey. What'd you guys want earlier?
Artemis: You're wearing pink! Fuzzy pink!
Jarlaxle: (Poses, revealing the metals chains studded with diamonds that say "Hot Mercenary" "Playa" and oh such ghetto things….) I was going for, well, I don't really know what I was going for.
Kimmuriel: Kinky! (smiles obliviously)
Rai-guy: ::looks over the oufit critically:: Y'know, my dear, I really don't think that pink is your color. Kimmi looks okay in pink, but you should really avoid it.
Artemis: Mmkay.
Jarlaxle: Oh. Damn it. ::snaps fingers, robe turns bright green:: How's this?
Rai-guy: Much better.
Kimmi: (squeals) I wanna try! I wanna try! (tackles Jarlaxle, takes the robe off, Artemis screams in the background and falls to the floor, puts the robe on and snaps his fingers)
Rai-guy: (laughing histerically) You look like Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat!
Kimmi: (sniffles, throws robe back at Jarlaxle who clothes himself, Artemis sees that he is now fully clothed and gets back up, twitching oddly)
((We have come to the conclusion that we lost the plot somewhere back in the middle of Act II. We will now go and search for it.))
((Sorry. Still looking. Doom! Doom! Doomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoomdoom!!!!)
((Jhonen Vasquez is friggin' hot!))
VOMM (Which is the Voice of the Magical Mint, in case you've forgotten): Muahahahhaaaaaa!
Jarlaxle: (points) The mint! It speaks!
VOMM: Fuck yeah. My two eveil mistresses were getting carried away so I had to say something. Or the plot would be nonexistent. Still.
Artemis: True.
Kimmuriel: Where are we going neeeext? I wanna knooooow! (wraps his arms around Rai-guy's waist and smiles contentedly. Awww….)
VOMM: Er-hell I don't know….
Rai-guy: (eyes get all big and animeish. Why? Because. Shut up. We're the authors of this story.) B-but…then we won't be able to continue our quest. Our reason for exsisting. No action figures! No royalties! (wails) No more new handcuffs!
VOMM: (sigh) Fine….let's see…
((Taco Hell! Make'em go to Taco Hell!)
VOMM: …Taco hell? (clears throat. Do mints have throats?) Taco Hell!
Jarlaxle: (raises brow) What is a Taco Hell?
Kimmuriel: (raises hand and jumps up and down excitedly) I know! I know! Pick meeeee!!!
Jarlaxle: Yes, Kimmuriel?
Kimmuriel: (puts down arm, looking stumped) I forgot….(sniffles)
VOMM: For the love of Jhonen I'll take you there!
*FLASH! BOOM! PUNCH! SQUEEEE!*
(Our companions are now standing in front of a building with the lettering "Taco Hell" on a giant taco (no kids, the giant taco is not real) which is on top of the building)
Artemis: Shall we go inside?
Jarlaxle: We shall.
(All four proceed to…go inside. Spooky.)
(The Taco Hell is fairly empty, with this one blue haired guy with two spikes for hair sitting in a back table. He's wearing a shirt that has a smiley face on it, and is wearing black shorts with metal tipped boots. Oh come on. You people have to know who he is.)
Rai-guy: Ooooh Lookie. That's guy's wacky looking.
Kimmuriel and Artemis: (nod)
Jarlaxle: (looks offended) I rather like his fashion sense. (puts nose up in the air and proceeds to go order some taquitos. Mmmmm….taquitos. Isn't it obvious by now we've been reading JTHM and watching Invader Zim?)
Nny: (twitching, looks up from his taco goodness and gives Rai-guy one of those homicidal maniac stares. Duh. What else would he be doing?) Excuse me? Did you call me wacky?!?!
Rai-guy: (blinks) ….yep.
Nny: (practically jumps out of his seat and starts strangling our favorite wizard-cleric, Kimmuriel screeching in the background) YOU LITTLE FUCK! I'M SICK OF TAKING SHIT FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU! (pulls out a knife from his back pocket) I'LL TEACH YOU SOME MAN-
*POOF!*
(Suddenly (why do all of these things happen suddenly, huh? Why can't they happen gradually like in the good ol days? WHY?!?!) a beam of white light comes down into the Taco Hell. We see the two forms of the eveil sexy mistresses bent on world domination. One is a beach blonde with blue eyes (I am NOT a cheerleader! Sweet jeezus! Every time I walk in the mall there's this guy that whistles at me and is like "hey blondie". Am I supposed to be wearing PINK?! AM I?!?!) wearing a black corset with red lace and this kick ass black leather miniskirt. She's also wearing extremely high heeled leather boots with metal spikes on the sides. I like spikes.)
(Now we have India the red head (who wishes she had purple hair) who's wearing a black shirt, black leather pants, those really high leather boots that lace up and an ankle-length leather duster. Can you tell she likes leather? I bet you can't! Shut up! You didn't know! You can't have my moneeeeey!)
India: Hey! It's Johnny! And Jarlaxle!
Alyse: (looks at her idiotic cohort) …No. It's Marilyn Manson.
India: (hangs head) Dammit. (looks back up, still hopeful) Wanna make out anyway?
Alyse: Ignore her. Now, about the mint.
India: Wait! Don't ignore me! (looks at Alyse who's giving one of those evil stares she is world famous for) Oh! OH! Right. (all spooky like) Give us: The Mint.
VOMM: About time.
India: Yeah. We apologize for that delay. There was this thing with a purple bus and these flying monkeys and then this prostitute in Vermont, and then we lost the plot back in Act II, and then there was the side trip to Jhonen's house-
Alyse: In California.
India: Right, California. Anyways, we're here now. And we need the mint. It's vitally important to…What's it important to?
Alyse: (sighs, rubbing her temples with her fingers, muttering to herself) Just give us the mint.
Jarlaxle: (reaches into his breeches pocket) Sure-
Rai-guy: I wanna do it!
Artemis: (groans) Gods…
Kimmuriel: We can do it together! No-really-I mean we really can.
Jarlaxle: (hands Rai-guy the mint) Fine. (looks over at Nny who is still twitching.) May I ask where you purchase your wardrobe?
India: (snatches the mint from Rai-guy) Lookie! We got it baaaack! (looks at it, then looks back up to Nny.) Hey, wanna mint?
Alyse: (banging her head on the wall) Why do I even bother anymore? It's like my life is being done by a pair of evil authors….
Nny: Uh…sure. (takes the mint and pops it in his mouth) Mmmm….minty.
India: Well, that's about it then. (looks at the four companions)
Jarlaxle: That was the reason why we dragged ourselves all over Faerun's surface?
India: Yeah. Pretty much.
Artemis: (slack jawed) …..
Alyse: (sighs, coming back over the group) Let's get going. I still have asses to fry.
India: Okay! (pauses) Wait. Can I take Artemis with us! I want him to come with us! Please?! (eyes get all big and sappy)
Alyse: (gives the assassin an apologizing look) Sure. Why not?
India: (jumps up and down excitedly) YES!! WHOO!!! (grabs Artemis by the hand) We get to go blow things up together! Head explody! (giggles)
Alyse: ….yeah. (looks over at Nny, who still looks like he's going to kill Rai-guy) Uh…should we put them back on Faerun first? Even I wouldn't want to be stuck in Johnny's world. It's full of killing, and stuff…
India: Yep. We probably should. Off with you now!
*POOF!*
Artemis: (watches in dismay as his companions disappear)
Alyse: (still eyeing up Nny, who's back to eating his tacos.) Let's go, India.
India: And Artemis!
Alyse: And Artemis.
*POOF!*
(Nny is seen still eating his taco. Suddenly Alyse's head and part of her arm pops from the swirling vortex and pulls him in. Evil laughter ensues.)
END!!!!
You can hate us now.
Thank you.