Last time I made a fanfic with Uke!Ren so this time he's Seme. :3
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters nor do I own Shaman King. But read it everyone? Please? *puppy eyes*
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I always knew that one day he'd entice me to cross the bounderies I had set for myself. Something about him, maybe it was his childlike innocence or his optimistic personality, hid his dark past so well. Sometimes I would forget I was not the only one with problems. Maybe it was his way of living life, so very flexible and happy. I was entranced by his lifestyle, which contrasted deeply with mine. He was not bound by chains from his past, while I was, and I longed to live the way he did. However, I could not. I envied him, and to this day I still do. Without realizing it, I had forbidden myself to develop strong relationships with other people. Somehow I could not summon the strength in myself to trust them, and so I did not try to cross the thin line that divided "Teammates" and "Friends". Thinking back, truth to be told I was scared. Terrified, really. I didn't want to get hurt, so I blamed it on others. 'Humans are hateful.' 'They cannot be trusted.' 'I don't need anyone but myself.' Again and again, I repeated these sentences in my heart, so much that they were carved into my very being.
The day I met him was when he had dragged me by the arm to the party at Yoh's house. At first I thought he was a freak, an air-headed idiot that couldn't think. I admit, I still think that sometimes. However, now I think that it's a good thing he is like that. I have never regretted meeting him, and having had him beside me has saved me countless times. I will never admit it to anyone, but I value his friendship.
I realized that he had also been wounded and scarred the moment I walked into our team's room in Patch Village one night. When I saw him in the corner of the room curled up into a ball and trembling from head to toe, biting his lip as to prevent tears from rolling down his cheeks, I knew he was not the innocent little child I had thought he was. Instead, he was more similar to me, a glass figure that had been dropped, broken, and then repaired. He had been put together clumsily, so delicate that he could break with a touch. I remember that night, him gripping my arm so hard I woke up to find purple-green bruises plastered across it, trying desperately not to cry. I remember the look in his eyes, the whimpers and sniffles that he had tried to muffle. The next morning, when I woke up, he was already gone. I found him outside sitting and watching the sunrise. I stood beside him, and he leaned on the side of my leg. No words were spoken, but I remember that when we went back inside, we were already arguing about the type of food we were to eat for breakfast.
Once again without realizing it, I had grown fond of him, and when he wasn't by my side yapping on about something I didn't care about, it bothered me. My older sister had once talked to me about the emotion called love. She said that it was a paticularily strong feeling, and that you would have no doubts when you felt that way for somebody. I told her it was ridiculous, that emotion. To 'love' someone, hold them so dear as to dedicate your life to them, to be willing to give up your life for them, I couldn't comprehend it. How can you treasure another person besides yourself, so much that you care about them more than yourself?
That night when Lyserg brought him back all scratched up and out cold, at that moment I wanted to kill someone. The rage I felt was on par with the anger I had felt towards my father in the past, and it surprised me. I didn't know why, but I wanted to brutally murder whoever had hurt him, yet I didn't want to leave him. So instead I stayed in the chair I had been sitting on, and snuck glances at his figure sitting on the bed. I found myself wishing that I was the one in his place, the one who had suffered the injuries. I surprised myself yet again. Never before had I wished to bear the suffering for someone else. I began to doubt myself that night, surely it was not 'love'? Surely, I was not 'in love'?
So here I am now, sitting on my bed and ripping my head apart to figure out my own feelings. Sister had said that you would have no doubts when you were 'in love'. But I do have doubts, and therefore I am not in love with that blue-haired idiot Ainu. Definitely not.
"REEEEEENNNNN!"
"You..."
"Why are you in here all alone?"
"Shut up and get the fuck out."
"PMS?"
"YOU BASTARD."
I jumped up and pulled out the Hourai Ken, brandishing it at him. He immediately put up his hands in a sign of apology, and I lowered my weapon. I would not have hurt him either way, but he didn't know that.
"Simmer down Ren, I was only joking."
"Hmph. If you spit out words you don't mean, you'll be killed one day."
"...you wouldn't actually kill me, would you?"
"Depends."
He stared at me, trying to figure out whether I was serious or not. I smirked, putting the Hourai Ken away and standing up straight.
"Think logically, HoroHoro. If I killed you, our team would only have 2 members."
"Ha ha."
I then noticed that he was leaning against the doorframe, appearing to be slumped in a casual manner. I knew him better than that though, and in a smooth motion I had walked over to where he was standing and pulled him into the room. Pushing him onto the bed, I was rewarded with a grimace and a muffled "Shit."
"Hiding something from me HoroHoro?"
"It's nothing." He mumbled, lowering his head so his headband covered his eyes. I continued to leer at him, and timed ticked by until I finally ran out of patience. I leaned over and stuck out two fingers, prodding him on the forehead. He looked up, staring me in the eye with suspicion. I continued to prod his arms, his neck, and his chest, but there was no reaction.
"Ren? What the hell are you doing?"
I ignored him and stood up straight, then nudged his leg with my foot. I hit the jackpot, and got a "FUCK." from the other party. I smirked. I couldn't help it. An overwhelming feeling of triumph washed over me, as I put my hands on my hips and waited for an explanation.
"So? Care to explain why you have an injury when our fight is scheduled for tomorrow? And why you haven't had it treated yet? And why you attempted, pathetically attempted at that, to hide such a matter?"
"I...didn't want to worry the others..."
"Then couldn't you have told me? Surely you know I wouldn't worry over something so trivial?"
"But Ren, you DO worry. I know you do, you're not half the cold-hearted asshole you try to make yourself seem..."
I was speechless. I felt my ears get hot, and turned my back to hide the blush that had crept its way onto my face. That idiot Ainu, saying something so ridiculous out of nowhere. But it was true, I have changed. Or perhaps I was like this from the beginning, perhaps it had been buried under a facade that I had been forced to put up to protect myself from my father. I couldn't find the words to counter his, so I remained silent. I walked over to the shelves and pulled out a metal box filled with bandages, and then made my way back to him. Without a word, I bent down and started to wrap his leg with the bandages, and I did it with extra care too. I finished, and stood up.
"Thanks, Ren."
"....shit."
"What?"
"SHIT." I shouted, kicking the metal box I had set down. The source of the anger was none other than myself. To not have realized when I had already fallen in so deep. I had allowed myself to slip, and in the process I have fallen in 'love'. What's more, I'm in love with that stupid Ainu sitting on the bed with that stupid idiotic expression stuck on his face. I wheeled around and pushed him onto his back, pinning his arms down.
"You annoy me."
"W-what's with that?"
"You annoy me to the pits of hell." I whispered fiercely into his ear. My heart was fast, and I commanded it to slow down. I scowled and tightened my grip on his wrists. He squirmed uncomfortably, but I wasn't about to let him run away.
"Ren! What the hell are you doing?!"
"This is why you annoy me. You ask such stupid questions. What does it look like I'm doing? Idiot Ainu!" I whispered again, and then stared into his sky blue eyes. In one motion, I dipped my head low and pecked him quickly on the lips, then let go of his hands and stood up straight. He moved his arms, but didn't sit up. I had no doubts now, I had confirmed my own feelings. I turned to leave.
"Ren?"
I stopped in my tracks, but didn't turn around. It didn't matter to me what his answer was. I had no intention of building a relationship. I will go right now and train, train for ten hours straight, and terminate any feelings of affection for that guy lying on the bed. I will not permit myself to become some soft-hearted human. I will not.
"Don't leave." His voice was bordering between a whisper and whimper. I moved my foot, tried to leave. Instead, I found myself sitting on the bed beside him.
"I won't." I promised, my voice strangely filled with sincerity. It was like my body moved by itself, like my voice talked by itself. I couldn't control it. I wanted to leave, wanted to push him away from me. Instead, I stay. Instead, I'm draw myself closer to him. It's frustrating, so I clench the bed sheets until my knuckles turn white.
"Ren?"
"What?"
"Lemme borrow your lap?"
"What?"
Before I could ask anymore, he had flipped himself so his head was slumped in my lap. I wanted to push him off, to tell him to get a pillow or something. But I liked it, so instead I raised my hand and pulled gently on one of his blue locks of hair.
"Ren?"
"What?"
"Stay?"
"I said I would, didn't I?"
"I meant forever."
I didn't answer, and thought to myself. Forever...eternity...the rest of my life. I can't trust others. I can't. But how much longer would I have to lie to myself? I am not strong enough to be hurt by someone and be able to pick myself back up. But maybe if I took the risk I wouldn't regret it. I've lived up until now by myself. I thought some more. Finally, I had my answer.
"I'll try."