Man is nothing more than what he defines himself to be.
-Jean Paul Sartre
To be his own person, to decide for himself what he was and what he felt, outside of a single unchangeable purpose, was something only a god would dedicate a lifetime to. Humans themselves were born with the fluidity to decide for themselves what they were, and what their purpose was. It was something he'd considered many times in his relatively short life. To define himself would be to deny what he was, that he was a Shinigami, and to deny what he was would be to deny humanity of what he was. It was an odd cycle.
Above an abstract purpose, he'd still never been able to alter how he behaved very readily. Symmetry controlled him, which was another off shoot of his very essence, the order which existed in only one other being.
He'd never been in control of his life, so maybe it didn't exactly shock him when his older brother spat out exactly what he was, and why he was that way. You were purposefully created as a child, so you could learn and experience fear. It was the glaring truth which had haunted his dreams all his life. He was not himself, instead a creation of his father's, made so that death could once again know fear, and so that the Kishin could die. It hurt. Filled him with such pain, and he could not understand why, why did he care what he was? He was a Shinigami, and so should not be bothered by something that applied only to humans. The idea of being simply another of his father's projects, was not one he cared much for.
But that was all they were. The thought broke down a wall of fury that had been directed at the Kishin. He was simply meant to eliminate Death's fear, and I simply to gain it back. Both of us are simply a means to an end. There was the definition that he had been looking for so long. A way to improve Death, and nothing more.
But, along with this revelation came the startling discovery that all the faith he'd put in Chichi-ue had been the faith of someone who was blind. I bet playing parent and child was so much fun! Asura's words made him nauseous. He was no child, but a creature neither youth, nor adult, simply made to be inexperienced.
Such pain! To strive towards a lie was to strive towards nothing at all! And only now did he understand truly what had transpired! Being a child prevented him from becoming his father's greatest enemy, and allowed him to complete Shinigami!
"Nonsense!" He heard himself shout. "So you're telling me that the lines of Sanzu on my head are incomplete because my father made it that way…?" Without a response, he still knew the answer was affirmative.
"The master was probably worried…that his disciple would end up just like his older brother…" The words knocked the breath out of Kid. All illusions of love, of admiration, that was just a façade, a lie. And he had been so stupid as to believe that his entire life. He was filled with anger not at his father, but at himself for never figuring out what was going on. Not only mindless, but stupid, as well. Though, perhaps those went hand in hand.
"Kid is nothing like you!" Maka shouted, attacking the Kishin along with Black Star. Kid stayed still. Because she was both right, and wrong. They were so ready to fight, but for what? A god who used his power to ignite fear, and a god who did not use his power to induce order. That was the war they were in, now.
He asked the question, but already knew the answer. Humanity had decided that Kishin Asura was evil. They had rejected madness, and now the god who served humanity knew what side to choose.
When it came to god, purpose was irrelevant, he decided. He could never choose what he was, and he could never change it.
God's duty was to serve humanity. It was a purpose, and even as he protested this, Shinigami had no right to choose or desire. It was eternity of a singular attitude, and a singular definition. He knew that, because Big Brother had told him so, and he knew that, because he saw with eyes which were not his own, thought with a mind which was not truly his own. And he lived a life which was not truly his own, not at all.
A/N: I wrote this after reading chapter 108. Sorry if it's a little lost, and it might be a bit AU, because I don't think Kid hates Shinigami-sama after this…not that he did in this story, but you know what I mean. Would anyone be interested in a story where Kid gets addicted to a medication for his OCD? I wrote it, but not sure if I'll post it…because obviously, he's immune to poisons and such so it would have to be AU, just a tiny bit…Thanks!