Title: I'm Gonna be Alright
Author: Lila
Spoiler: None
~ * ~
Said I wouldn't walk away
Somedays I want to stay
But leaving you is what I need to do to be okay
Never thought it would be true
Me livin' without you
But now it's time for me to make that move"
- "I'm Gonna be Alright" – Jennifer Lopez
~ * ~
"Which one is she, Uncle Jase?" Michael asked, peering through the plate glass.
Jason smiled and lifted Michael's hand to the window. "Right there, by the window? See? She's wearing the pink cap."
"All the babies are wearing pink caps."
"Yeah, but do you see her?"
Michael nodded and stood on is tiptoes to see better. "What's her name?"
"Lila," Jason said. "After your grandmother."
"She was real old, right?"
"Yeah," Jason sighed, thinking of the woman who'd passed away only two months earlier. She'd been so excited to hear about the baby and it was sad to know she hadn't lived to see her. "I don't know how much you remember her," Jason continued. "She was very sick the last few years, but she loved you very much.."
"She gave me the best presents," Michael said with a smile.
"Of course she did. You meant a lot to her Michael."
"Do you miss her?"
"Sometimes. I'm happy she isn't sick and suffering anymore, but I miss spending time with her. She was a gracious, great lady. She loved your daddy a lot too."
"I know. He always says he has a special place in his heart for her. Is that why the baby's name is Lila?"
"Yeah, sometimes, when someone you love dies, you name a new baby after that person to honor their memory. That's why we named the baby Lila, to honor Grandmother.
"Like Ali?" Michael asked, referring to his younger sister, whom Sonny and Carly had named after Adela.
"Yup, just like Ali."
Michael turned back to the window and studied the baby for a moment. "She's really little, Jase. And no offense, but she's kind of funny looking. Why's her head so big?"
Jason laughed and ruffled Michael's hair. He was so big now, so mature. It was hard to believe he'd ever been so small he'd been afraid to hold him. "You know, Mike, you were once that funny looking too. You were so little I could almost hold you in one hand and you had this bright, red hair," he said and looked pointedly at Michael's now blond hair. "You kind of looked like a carrot."
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
Michael shook his head and hunched his shoulders. "Whatever." Through the window Lila stirred in her sleep and yawned deeply, raising one tiny fist. "Woah!" Michael exclaimed. "Did you see that?"
"Uh-huh," Jason murmured, his attention focused on his daughter. He wasn't a man of very many emotions, never had been, but being around Lila shook him to his core. Every time he saw her it took everything in him to remember she was really real, not a figment of his imagination. The first time he'd held her, after counting all ten fingers and all ten toes and checking to make sure she was really a girl, and although he'd never been a religious man, he'd said a little prayer thanking god for blessing him with such a miracle. He knew he wasn't perfect--in fact he was far from it considering his past--but he saw Lila as his redemption. She was so innocent, so vulnerable, and it was up to him to keep her safe--because she was his. It still shocked him that something so perfect, so beautiful, could come from him and he knew for the rest of his life, he'd to everything in his power to love, honor, and cherish the little girl he was staring at through the glass. He wrapped an arm around Michael's shoulders and they stood in silence together, watching Lila's chest rise and fall with each breath, each marveling in his own way, at the miracle of life.
The sound of heels clicking down the hall pulled both away from the window and Jason turned to see Carly tottering towards them on impossibly high-heels, a huge bouquet of flowers in her arms. She quickened her when she saw them, pressed a kiss to Michael's cheek, dropped the flowers in his arms, and launched herself against Jason's chest.
"Congratulations!" she squealed and cradled his face in her hands. "You're going to be the best dad," she added and proceeded to cover his face in kisses.
"Ugh, Carly," Jason groaned as he twisted out of her grip. "Do you have to do that?"
"Yeah, Mom," Michael seconded. "That's soooo gross!"
Carly scoffed and ran a hand through Michael's hair, smoothing the disheveled strands. "I'm just showing Jase how much we love him and how happy we are for him, right?"
Michael nodded. "Congrats, Uncle Jase."
Carly smiled at her son. "Where's your dad?"
Michael shrugged. "I don't know. He was here for a while, but he took off. I haven't seen him since."
Carly's face hardened for a moment and a look of panic filled her eyes, but she took a deep breath and her expression quickly softened. "Why don't you go to the nurses' station and drop off the flowers," she said to Michael. "I need a minute alone with Jason."
"Can I get a Snickers?"
Carly dug into her purse and pulled out a dollar. "Help yourself. Go stop by Grandma's on your way back."
Michael pocketed the money, murmured a goodbye, and took off at a run for the vending machine.
"Walk, Michael," Carly called after him. "And be careful with the flowers!"
As soon as Michael was out of sight Carly turned to the window, pressing her nose against the glass in an effort to see better. "Which one is she, Jase?" she asked, repeating the question Michael had asked just minutes before. "
"By the window," Jason said and pointed to wear Lila was raising her fist again.
"Oh, my," Carly breathed. "She's so tiny. I forgot how little they are at this age."
"Seven pounds, six ounces," Jason said proudly.
"She's beautiful, Jase. You're going to have to beat the boys down when she's all grown up."
Jason nodded, feeling tears choke his throat as he tried to speak. Carly sensed the change and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, resting her head on his shoulder. She didn't say anything for a minute or two and Jason relaxed into her, happy to share the miracle that was his daughter with his closest friend.
"Oh, Jase," Carly whispered and turned to look at him. "I'm so happy for you." There were tears in her eyes and a watery smile curving her lips, but through the tears Jason could see she was really, truly happy for him. For once there was no jealousy, no hidden agenda. This was just Carly supporting the only person who'd stood by her through everything over the years. He felt tears prick the back of his eyes and he turned away to look at the baby again.
"Jase, what's wrong?" Carly asked when he didn't say anything.
"Nothing," he said.
"Don't nothing me, Jason Morgan. You know I know you better than you know yourself. Spill it." Jason stared at his daughter watching her as if she'd disappear if he lifted his gaze for even an instant. "Jase. . . " Carly pressed.
"I'm scared," he said finally. "I'm really scared of screwing this up."
"Why?"
"Why?" he asked incredulously and ran a hand through is hair. "Why, because look what happened last time. I thought I had a son, a child to love, and he was taken away from me--."
"Jase, I'm so sorry--." Carly started but Jason shook his head and she quieted down.
"I'm not blaming you, Carly. That happened a long time ago and things worked out for the better. Michael loves Sonny and Sonny loves Michael and everyone is happy."
"Everyone except you."
"I made my peace a long time ago. Michael is very lucky to have Sonny for a father."
"He was lucky to have you too."
"I know," Jason sighed. "And that's the problem. I know it's just in my head, but I can't shake the feeling that something is going to go wrong this time too, that somehow Lila's going to be taken away from me, just like last time."
"No," Carly said. "It won't happen like that."
"How can you be sure? You said you and Michael and I would be a family forever and look how that turned out. What makes this different?"
Carly took his hand in hers and tilted his eyes to meet hers. "Jase, listen to me. It's different now. You and I--we really are just good as friends. You were doing me a huge favor and our family was beautiful, but it wasn't real. You and I both know that. But what you have now. . .that's the kind of family you've always wanted. You have a beautiful wife you love and loves you back, a gorgeous child--is time it's for real, Jase. I promise you, your family isn't going anywhere."
"I hope so."
"I know so."
Jason smiled. "For once you know exactly what to say."
She laughed and punched him lightly on the arm. "I have my moments every now and then. You're really going to be okay, Jase."
He took a deep breath and looked longingly at his daughter. "Yeah, I think I will. Thanks, Carly."
Carly looked at him closely, taking in the dark circles under his eyes and sallow cheeks. "Hey, when was the last time you ate?"
Jason paused for a moment and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yesterday morning, maybe? I don't remember."
"Can I buy you a sandwich?"
"Are you actually offering to pay?"
"Hey!" Carly cried. "I can afford it. I do make some profit from the new club. Come on, my treat."
"You gonna eat to?"
"You want me to?"
"A man hates to eat alone."
Carly smiled. "Sure." She linked her arm through his and turned to the window. "Say goodbye."
Jason stared at his daughter, watching the way her eyes crinkled as she slept, the way dark hair peaked out from under her pink cap. Carly tugged on his arm. "She's gorgeous, Jase, but I'm starving and she'll be here when we get back. Let's go."
Jason took one last look at the baby and followed Carly down the hall. "Where are we going?"
"Kelly's. There's no way I'm eating hospital food. But first we have to find my missing kid before he destroys this entire place."
"Sounds good to me." Carly gave his hand a squeeze and he smiled as the disappeared into the elevator. Carly was right, everything was going to be okay. He had a wife he loved, a great job, a beautiful kid--nothing was going to screw that up, especially the past.
~ * ~
"Don't worry, Mrs. Morgan," Agatha, the nurse on duty, calmly said as she adjusted an IV. "She's just fine. Last I saw Mr. Morgan was showing her off to his nephew."
"Was there a blonde woman with them?"
Agatha shook her head. "Not that I could see. Now you stop worrying about your little one and get some rest. You're going to need it when you take her home."
"I have too much energy to sleep. It's all so exciting, overwhelming, but exciting. I can't believe I'm a mother."
Agatha laughed. "You'll believe it when you get up every three hours to change a diaper or giver her a bottle or just kiss her cheek. Trust me, reality hits you straight in the face."
"I know," she laughed. "I've heard all the stories. But right now it's all so unreal, and I like to live in my little fantasy world for as long as I can, until, as you said, 'Reality hits me straight in the face.'"
Agatha had a response ready and waiting, but there was a knock on the door and she hurried to open it--and almost fainted out of shock. It wasn't every day that Port Charles most dangerous mobster showed up on her shift and she took a nervous step back. "Are visiting hours still going on?" he asked, and smiled at Agatha, flashing his famous dimples.
"Um, uh," she stuttered, but her patient solved the problem for her.
"It's fine, Agatha. I'd be happy to see Mr. Corinthos. Just shut the door on your way out." Agatha nearly flew out the door and it slammed shut with a bang behind her.
"So," Brenda asked. "What's up?"
"I came to see you. Congratulations." Sonny sat down next to her on the bed and placed a bouquet of flowers on the nightstand. "I saw her. She's absolutely gorgeous."
"Isn't she?" Brenda beamed. "I can't believe she's real."
Sonny smiled "She looks just like you."
"She has Jason's eyes. They're the most beautiful shade of blue."
"She's gonna be a heartbreaker someday."
"You think?"
"I know. You sure were."
Suddenly the teasing nature of the conversation changed and Brenda looked up and into Sonny's eyes. "What are you really doing here, Sonny?" she said softly. "What do you want?"
"I wanted to see you, to see the baby. I wasn't lying when I said she was beautiful. She's almost as pretty as you."
"Sonny. . ."
"I came with Michael. It was only supposed to be a short visit, you know? Come by, say hi, drop off the flowers, introduce Michael to his new cousin. . . but I took one look at that beautiful little girl and I knew it wasn't going to be so easy. She was so gorgeous. I could see your nose and your mouth, lots of dark hair just like yours. I know just hope she doesn't cut it off whenever she gets mad."
Brenda laughed at the memory. "God, that was so long ago. We were different people then."
"Were we? Even back then, when the thought of loving you scared me to death, all I wanted was my ring on your finger and my baby in your arms. I don't think that will ever change."
"Stop it, Sonny," Brenda whispered. There were tears in her eyes and he reached up and brushed them away, sighing at the feeling of her soft skin beneath his fingers. It had been so long since he'd touched her--too long--and all he wanted to do was touch her again. She brushed his hand away and shook her head. "We can't do this, not now."
"I--I need to say this, Brenda. Please? Let me say this?"
She closed her eyes as the tears finally spilled down her cheeks. "Why do you do this to me?" she whispered.
Sonny sighed and took her hand in his. "I don't want to hurt you, Brenda. I just need to tell you why I'm here. You need to know--and I need to say it."
"Okay," she agreed. "Tell me why you're here."
Sonny took a deep breath and closed his eyes, fighting back the tears that pricked his eyelids. "I spent forever at the nursery watching her, imagining she was mine. You know how we used to imagine what our babies would look like? All dark-haired and dimpled, a perfect mix of you and me?"
Brenda nodded silently, her mind filling with images of the baby she'd dreamed of for five years. "Her name was going to be Adela," she whispered. "Adela Veronica, after our mothers."
"Or Stone for a boy." Sonny laughed softly. "I can already imagine all the teasing: pebble, rock--I guess it's good she turned out to be a girl."
"My little girl," Brenda said. "Mine and Jason's."
"I know," Sonny sighed. "Trust me, I know. I watched her for hours, stood there for so long I lost track of time. Michael got bored and went off somewhere, but I just stood there watching this baby I wanted to be mine. Then she opened her eyes and I found myself looking into these beautiful blue eyes--Jason's eyes."
"That would make sense. He is her father."
Sonny was silent for a long time, mulling over her words. "Remember that day you came to me before you were supposed to marry Jax?" he said suddenly. "When you came to the penthouse to say goodbye?"
"Of course. That was it, the day we ended."
"Do you remember what I said to you?"
Brenda felt the tears prick her eyes again as Sonny's words replayed in her head.
* * * *
"I used to think we met on the docks but we didn't. I had seen you before, but that day I tried to help you with your suitcase I knew something was gonna happen between us. You were right, you were a girl and I was a man, I should have known better, but I couldn't look away from you. I've seen you in so many ways, loving me, hating me, so desperate and brave, so full of joy, but there are some things that I'm never gonna be able to see. How you look when you're pregnant, holding your first child, or even when you get some gray hair and some lines on your face, but I hope you're smiling Brenda. I hope you get everything that I ever wanted to give you. Love and a life without fear."
* * * *
"I told you I was happy, that I'd found the peace I'd always been searching for. You said you were happy for me."
"I lied," Sonny said. "I was about as far from happy as possible."
Brenda smiled. "You think I didn't know that? You think I didn't know that entire conversation was a lie? I knew all along that nothing we said was real, but I needed to hear it. I needed to be able to pretend we were through or I would never be able to move on."
Sonny got up and went to the window. There wasn't much of a view, just the hospital parking lot, but the sky was clear and blue and the sun shone brightly. In some ways, if he didn't look down at the concrete and metal, it reminded him of Puerto Rico. He'd always been happiest there, especially with Brenda. He smiled to himself, thinking of the times they'd spent there, how happy they'd been, how different things were now. "You know, for a long time I never thought we'd be over," he finally said.
"I was dead for four years," Brenda said. "That's pretty final."
Sonny shook his head. "I knew you weren't really dead. I know what it's like to lose someone you love. You feel it here," he said and pressed a hand to his chest. "My mother, Lily, Stone. . .I felt them all leave me when their times came, but I never felt that with you. I knew you were out there somewhere. I just didn't know where. And when you came back, even though I was married to Carly and you were in love with Jax, I knew it wasn't over. It was so easy to fall back into a love I never really got over. There was never any real closure, no real ending. Every time I looked at you I'd feel that same pull, same desire. I knew I'd never get you out of my system and I knew you were the same way about me."
"Sonny--."
"I thought you'd be mine forever. I thought the bond we had would never break, even if we loved, married, lived with different people, and for a long time I was right."
"So what happened? What changed your mind about all this?"
He turned from the window and gave a little nod towards the door. "That little girl of yours. All the time you've been married to Jason, even pregnant with his child, I still thought of you as mine. I mean, I'd seen you go through relationships with other men, but you'd always end up right back in my arms. Why would I think this was any different? But the first time I looked into your daughter's eyes, and saw Jason looking back at me, I knew it was over. The love I wanted for you? The life without fear? The family and children and security I could never give you? That's what you get from Jason. That's what he does for you. I can see it in your eyes. He gives you peace. As much as I loved you, still do love you, I can never give you that."
Brenda was crying again, ten years of pain, joy, love, and agony, finally coming to an end in this tiny hospital room. She and Sonny had ended it so many times in the past, but it had never been permanent. Somehow, someway, they'd always ended up together. But this time was different, she could see it in his teary eyes. This time was forever. "What are you trying to say?" she whispered.
"I'm giving you up," he said hoarsely. "I'm letting you go, Brenda. Not to save you or to set you free, but because I want to." He slowly walked to her, pausing before the bed. "I'll always love you, Brenda, but it's time to let go." He kissed her temple, stroked her hair. "I wish you all the happiness in the world."
She moved into his embrace, feeling his arms close around her as the tears fell freely. "I love you too, Sonny. I always will."
He held her for a long time, feeling her shoulders shake with sobs, as their tears mingled with one another's. He felt as if a great burden had been lifted off his shoulders, as if he'd just ended the biggest chapter of his life. He had the closure he'd been searching for. It was really, truly over for them--and he was happy. The dark shadow of his past that had haunted his life with Carly was lifted and he knew he'd be able to move forward now. He and Brenda would always share a special bond, he would always love her and what might have been, but it was finally over.
A knock on the door pulled them away from their memories and they jumped apart, each brushing back tears. Agatha burst in holding the baby in her arms. Seeing their swollen faces she frowned, cradling Lila closer to her chest. "I'm sorry to disturb you, Mrs. Morgan, but she's been up for a while now and missing her mama." Her eyes darted from Brenda to Sonny and back again. "But I can come back later if this is a bad time. . ." she trailed off.
Brenda shook her hair over one shoulder and reached out her arms. "This is the perfect time," she said with a watery smile. "Come here, baby. I've missed you."
Agatha looked relieved and hurried to deliver the baby to its mother. "I'll leave you alone now," she said, looking nervously at Sonny as she slipped out of the room.
"Come here," Brenda said and patted the seat next to her. "There's someone I'd like you to meet."
Sonny sat down beside her again and looked at the sleeping baby in her arms. "Sonny, I'd like you to meet Lila Kristina Morgan."
"Kristina?"
"After Kristina Cassadine. She died because of me, don't argue, it's true. And while I no longer openly blame myself for her death, the least I could do is give my baby her name. From what I heard she was a beautiful, loving person, and I'm honored to name Lila after her."
Sonny smiled, his dimples in full twinkle. "And people say you're selfish."
Brenda laughed, running a finger down her daughter's petal-soft cheek. "Well, I have my moments, but this was important to me--."
Lila opened her eyes before she finished her sentence and she immediately turned to the little girl in her arms. Lila reached out one hand and locked onto Sonny's thumb. "Ouch," he said with a laugh. "She's got some grip."
"Well, she's a Morgan AND a Barrett. She comes from good stuff."
"The best. I'm really happy for you, Brenda. I mean it."
She reached out with her free hand and laid it on his cheek. "I know you are. I'm glad you came here today, said what you did. It was hard to listen to, but you were right, I needed to hear it and you needed to say it. Thank you."
Sonny nodded. "You remember, any time you need anything, all you have to do is call. I'll always be here for you, Brenda. Forever."
"Same here."
The door opened and Jason and Carly walked in, holding bags of food and cups of coffee in their hands. Both their expressions fell at the sight of Sonny and Brenda bonding over the baby, but they both immediately pasted on smiles and moved to their respective partners.
"We brought you lunch," Carly said as brightly as possible, setting a bag of food on the nightstand. "I'm sure you're sick and tired of hospital food."
Jason walked over and kissed his wife on the cheek. "How are you feeling?" he asked, his eyes roaming over her tear-stained cheeks. "Is everything okay?"
"Perfect," she said. "It's never been better."
Sonny got off the bed and walked to his wife. "We'd better get going. I'm sure you two want to be alone with your daughter." He wrapped an arm around a protesting Carly's shoulders and led her to the door. "Congratulations, best of luck, we'll see you later."
The door closed behind them and Jason sat down where Sonny had been just a few moments earlier. "What happened, Brenda?" he asked softly, watching the baby gurgling in her arms.
She sighed. "Will you hold her for a moment?" she said and motioned to transfer the baby.
Jason looked at her oddly, but took the baby, sighing as her tiny weight settled into his arms. "I can't believe she's ours," he said softly.
"I know," Brenda said, peering over his shoulder at her daughter. "I know this looks bad, Jason, but. . ."
"But. . ."
"You know how things are with Sonny and me. We're messy, complicated, make things so much harder then they ever should be. That's why we never worked out, because we could never trust each other enough to be completely honest, and you and I both know that without honesty, you have nothing."
"Brenda, what are you trying to say?"
"Sonny came to say it's completely over. He finally realized that I moved on--we both moved on--and that we're really done."
"You've been married to me for two years, we just had a baby together, and it's taken you this long to figure out that you and Sonny are over?" His voice was soft so he didn't disturb the baby, but his tone was laced with anger that Brenda knew she rightly deserved.
"No," she said softly. "I've know for years that we're done, Sonny has too. But we needed to say it, to openly admit the truth. We finally have closure, Jason. I'm finally free."
"Congratulations."
Brenda sighed. "Stop it, Jason. Don't be spiteful. Do you think I don't know about Carly? How every time you look at the beautiful little girl you're holding in your arms, you think someone's going to take her away? Carly burned you badly, more than you'll ever admit, and sometimes I think you'll never be over it. We all have pasts Jason, scars we carry on our hearts. It's up to us to move past all our baggage and build new lives. I needed closure from Sonny to move forward. You need to trust me enough to believe I won't leave you, and more importantly, neither will Lila." She took his hand in hers, rubbed the gold band on his fourth finger. "I made a promise to love, honor, and cherish you until death do us part and I expect to do just that. You and me and Lila, the family we're building, that's forever, Jason. You just need to believe that."
Jason was silent for a moment, feeling the icy fist around his heart melt at Brenda's words. For the first time in his entire marriage, since the birth of his daughter, he felt at peace. Brenda knew his fears, understood his fears, and wouldn't let them take over his live. These two people, this family--they were all his and no one would ever be able to take them away. "Thank you," he said softly.
"I love you," she whispered. "I always will."
"I love you too," he said and bent his head to kiss her. She smiled against his lips, feeling Lila between them. He pulled back and put the baby back in her arms, smiling at his family.
The door flew open again and Jason and Brenda groaned in unison. "Think we'll ever get a moment's peace?" she whispered as Edward, Monica, Alan, Ned, AJ, Courtney, and Emily poured into the room.
Jason watched the Quartermaines bark orders at one another and unleash insults, but for the first time it didn't really bother him. It felt nice to be surrounded by family, and more importantly, love. Brenda looked into his eyes and smiled. "You okay, baby?"
Jason smiled gave her hand a squeeze, ran a hand through his daughters silky hair. "Yeah," he said, gazing at his two beautiful girls. "I think I'm gonna be alright."
~ * ~
Please, please, please respond!
Author's Note:
Does anyone here post on Soapzone? My subscription ran out and I haven't been able to renew it yet, but would someone be willing to post it on the fanfiction board there for me? I would appreciate it sooooo much. Thanks!
Author: Lila
Spoiler: None
~ * ~
Said I wouldn't walk away
Somedays I want to stay
But leaving you is what I need to do to be okay
Never thought it would be true
Me livin' without you
But now it's time for me to make that move"
- "I'm Gonna be Alright" – Jennifer Lopez
~ * ~
"Which one is she, Uncle Jase?" Michael asked, peering through the plate glass.
Jason smiled and lifted Michael's hand to the window. "Right there, by the window? See? She's wearing the pink cap."
"All the babies are wearing pink caps."
"Yeah, but do you see her?"
Michael nodded and stood on is tiptoes to see better. "What's her name?"
"Lila," Jason said. "After your grandmother."
"She was real old, right?"
"Yeah," Jason sighed, thinking of the woman who'd passed away only two months earlier. She'd been so excited to hear about the baby and it was sad to know she hadn't lived to see her. "I don't know how much you remember her," Jason continued. "She was very sick the last few years, but she loved you very much.."
"She gave me the best presents," Michael said with a smile.
"Of course she did. You meant a lot to her Michael."
"Do you miss her?"
"Sometimes. I'm happy she isn't sick and suffering anymore, but I miss spending time with her. She was a gracious, great lady. She loved your daddy a lot too."
"I know. He always says he has a special place in his heart for her. Is that why the baby's name is Lila?"
"Yeah, sometimes, when someone you love dies, you name a new baby after that person to honor their memory. That's why we named the baby Lila, to honor Grandmother.
"Like Ali?" Michael asked, referring to his younger sister, whom Sonny and Carly had named after Adela.
"Yup, just like Ali."
Michael turned back to the window and studied the baby for a moment. "She's really little, Jase. And no offense, but she's kind of funny looking. Why's her head so big?"
Jason laughed and ruffled Michael's hair. He was so big now, so mature. It was hard to believe he'd ever been so small he'd been afraid to hold him. "You know, Mike, you were once that funny looking too. You were so little I could almost hold you in one hand and you had this bright, red hair," he said and looked pointedly at Michael's now blond hair. "You kind of looked like a carrot."
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
Michael shook his head and hunched his shoulders. "Whatever." Through the window Lila stirred in her sleep and yawned deeply, raising one tiny fist. "Woah!" Michael exclaimed. "Did you see that?"
"Uh-huh," Jason murmured, his attention focused on his daughter. He wasn't a man of very many emotions, never had been, but being around Lila shook him to his core. Every time he saw her it took everything in him to remember she was really real, not a figment of his imagination. The first time he'd held her, after counting all ten fingers and all ten toes and checking to make sure she was really a girl, and although he'd never been a religious man, he'd said a little prayer thanking god for blessing him with such a miracle. He knew he wasn't perfect--in fact he was far from it considering his past--but he saw Lila as his redemption. She was so innocent, so vulnerable, and it was up to him to keep her safe--because she was his. It still shocked him that something so perfect, so beautiful, could come from him and he knew for the rest of his life, he'd to everything in his power to love, honor, and cherish the little girl he was staring at through the glass. He wrapped an arm around Michael's shoulders and they stood in silence together, watching Lila's chest rise and fall with each breath, each marveling in his own way, at the miracle of life.
The sound of heels clicking down the hall pulled both away from the window and Jason turned to see Carly tottering towards them on impossibly high-heels, a huge bouquet of flowers in her arms. She quickened her when she saw them, pressed a kiss to Michael's cheek, dropped the flowers in his arms, and launched herself against Jason's chest.
"Congratulations!" she squealed and cradled his face in her hands. "You're going to be the best dad," she added and proceeded to cover his face in kisses.
"Ugh, Carly," Jason groaned as he twisted out of her grip. "Do you have to do that?"
"Yeah, Mom," Michael seconded. "That's soooo gross!"
Carly scoffed and ran a hand through Michael's hair, smoothing the disheveled strands. "I'm just showing Jase how much we love him and how happy we are for him, right?"
Michael nodded. "Congrats, Uncle Jase."
Carly smiled at her son. "Where's your dad?"
Michael shrugged. "I don't know. He was here for a while, but he took off. I haven't seen him since."
Carly's face hardened for a moment and a look of panic filled her eyes, but she took a deep breath and her expression quickly softened. "Why don't you go to the nurses' station and drop off the flowers," she said to Michael. "I need a minute alone with Jason."
"Can I get a Snickers?"
Carly dug into her purse and pulled out a dollar. "Help yourself. Go stop by Grandma's on your way back."
Michael pocketed the money, murmured a goodbye, and took off at a run for the vending machine.
"Walk, Michael," Carly called after him. "And be careful with the flowers!"
As soon as Michael was out of sight Carly turned to the window, pressing her nose against the glass in an effort to see better. "Which one is she, Jase?" she asked, repeating the question Michael had asked just minutes before. "
"By the window," Jason said and pointed to wear Lila was raising her fist again.
"Oh, my," Carly breathed. "She's so tiny. I forgot how little they are at this age."
"Seven pounds, six ounces," Jason said proudly.
"She's beautiful, Jase. You're going to have to beat the boys down when she's all grown up."
Jason nodded, feeling tears choke his throat as he tried to speak. Carly sensed the change and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, resting her head on his shoulder. She didn't say anything for a minute or two and Jason relaxed into her, happy to share the miracle that was his daughter with his closest friend.
"Oh, Jase," Carly whispered and turned to look at him. "I'm so happy for you." There were tears in her eyes and a watery smile curving her lips, but through the tears Jason could see she was really, truly happy for him. For once there was no jealousy, no hidden agenda. This was just Carly supporting the only person who'd stood by her through everything over the years. He felt tears prick the back of his eyes and he turned away to look at the baby again.
"Jase, what's wrong?" Carly asked when he didn't say anything.
"Nothing," he said.
"Don't nothing me, Jason Morgan. You know I know you better than you know yourself. Spill it." Jason stared at his daughter watching her as if she'd disappear if he lifted his gaze for even an instant. "Jase. . . " Carly pressed.
"I'm scared," he said finally. "I'm really scared of screwing this up."
"Why?"
"Why?" he asked incredulously and ran a hand through is hair. "Why, because look what happened last time. I thought I had a son, a child to love, and he was taken away from me--."
"Jase, I'm so sorry--." Carly started but Jason shook his head and she quieted down.
"I'm not blaming you, Carly. That happened a long time ago and things worked out for the better. Michael loves Sonny and Sonny loves Michael and everyone is happy."
"Everyone except you."
"I made my peace a long time ago. Michael is very lucky to have Sonny for a father."
"He was lucky to have you too."
"I know," Jason sighed. "And that's the problem. I know it's just in my head, but I can't shake the feeling that something is going to go wrong this time too, that somehow Lila's going to be taken away from me, just like last time."
"No," Carly said. "It won't happen like that."
"How can you be sure? You said you and Michael and I would be a family forever and look how that turned out. What makes this different?"
Carly took his hand in hers and tilted his eyes to meet hers. "Jase, listen to me. It's different now. You and I--we really are just good as friends. You were doing me a huge favor and our family was beautiful, but it wasn't real. You and I both know that. But what you have now. . .that's the kind of family you've always wanted. You have a beautiful wife you love and loves you back, a gorgeous child--is time it's for real, Jase. I promise you, your family isn't going anywhere."
"I hope so."
"I know so."
Jason smiled. "For once you know exactly what to say."
She laughed and punched him lightly on the arm. "I have my moments every now and then. You're really going to be okay, Jase."
He took a deep breath and looked longingly at his daughter. "Yeah, I think I will. Thanks, Carly."
Carly looked at him closely, taking in the dark circles under his eyes and sallow cheeks. "Hey, when was the last time you ate?"
Jason paused for a moment and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yesterday morning, maybe? I don't remember."
"Can I buy you a sandwich?"
"Are you actually offering to pay?"
"Hey!" Carly cried. "I can afford it. I do make some profit from the new club. Come on, my treat."
"You gonna eat to?"
"You want me to?"
"A man hates to eat alone."
Carly smiled. "Sure." She linked her arm through his and turned to the window. "Say goodbye."
Jason stared at his daughter, watching the way her eyes crinkled as she slept, the way dark hair peaked out from under her pink cap. Carly tugged on his arm. "She's gorgeous, Jase, but I'm starving and she'll be here when we get back. Let's go."
Jason took one last look at the baby and followed Carly down the hall. "Where are we going?"
"Kelly's. There's no way I'm eating hospital food. But first we have to find my missing kid before he destroys this entire place."
"Sounds good to me." Carly gave his hand a squeeze and he smiled as the disappeared into the elevator. Carly was right, everything was going to be okay. He had a wife he loved, a great job, a beautiful kid--nothing was going to screw that up, especially the past.
~ * ~
"Don't worry, Mrs. Morgan," Agatha, the nurse on duty, calmly said as she adjusted an IV. "She's just fine. Last I saw Mr. Morgan was showing her off to his nephew."
"Was there a blonde woman with them?"
Agatha shook her head. "Not that I could see. Now you stop worrying about your little one and get some rest. You're going to need it when you take her home."
"I have too much energy to sleep. It's all so exciting, overwhelming, but exciting. I can't believe I'm a mother."
Agatha laughed. "You'll believe it when you get up every three hours to change a diaper or giver her a bottle or just kiss her cheek. Trust me, reality hits you straight in the face."
"I know," she laughed. "I've heard all the stories. But right now it's all so unreal, and I like to live in my little fantasy world for as long as I can, until, as you said, 'Reality hits me straight in the face.'"
Agatha had a response ready and waiting, but there was a knock on the door and she hurried to open it--and almost fainted out of shock. It wasn't every day that Port Charles most dangerous mobster showed up on her shift and she took a nervous step back. "Are visiting hours still going on?" he asked, and smiled at Agatha, flashing his famous dimples.
"Um, uh," she stuttered, but her patient solved the problem for her.
"It's fine, Agatha. I'd be happy to see Mr. Corinthos. Just shut the door on your way out." Agatha nearly flew out the door and it slammed shut with a bang behind her.
"So," Brenda asked. "What's up?"
"I came to see you. Congratulations." Sonny sat down next to her on the bed and placed a bouquet of flowers on the nightstand. "I saw her. She's absolutely gorgeous."
"Isn't she?" Brenda beamed. "I can't believe she's real."
Sonny smiled "She looks just like you."
"She has Jason's eyes. They're the most beautiful shade of blue."
"She's gonna be a heartbreaker someday."
"You think?"
"I know. You sure were."
Suddenly the teasing nature of the conversation changed and Brenda looked up and into Sonny's eyes. "What are you really doing here, Sonny?" she said softly. "What do you want?"
"I wanted to see you, to see the baby. I wasn't lying when I said she was beautiful. She's almost as pretty as you."
"Sonny. . ."
"I came with Michael. It was only supposed to be a short visit, you know? Come by, say hi, drop off the flowers, introduce Michael to his new cousin. . . but I took one look at that beautiful little girl and I knew it wasn't going to be so easy. She was so gorgeous. I could see your nose and your mouth, lots of dark hair just like yours. I know just hope she doesn't cut it off whenever she gets mad."
Brenda laughed at the memory. "God, that was so long ago. We were different people then."
"Were we? Even back then, when the thought of loving you scared me to death, all I wanted was my ring on your finger and my baby in your arms. I don't think that will ever change."
"Stop it, Sonny," Brenda whispered. There were tears in her eyes and he reached up and brushed them away, sighing at the feeling of her soft skin beneath his fingers. It had been so long since he'd touched her--too long--and all he wanted to do was touch her again. She brushed his hand away and shook her head. "We can't do this, not now."
"I--I need to say this, Brenda. Please? Let me say this?"
She closed her eyes as the tears finally spilled down her cheeks. "Why do you do this to me?" she whispered.
Sonny sighed and took her hand in his. "I don't want to hurt you, Brenda. I just need to tell you why I'm here. You need to know--and I need to say it."
"Okay," she agreed. "Tell me why you're here."
Sonny took a deep breath and closed his eyes, fighting back the tears that pricked his eyelids. "I spent forever at the nursery watching her, imagining she was mine. You know how we used to imagine what our babies would look like? All dark-haired and dimpled, a perfect mix of you and me?"
Brenda nodded silently, her mind filling with images of the baby she'd dreamed of for five years. "Her name was going to be Adela," she whispered. "Adela Veronica, after our mothers."
"Or Stone for a boy." Sonny laughed softly. "I can already imagine all the teasing: pebble, rock--I guess it's good she turned out to be a girl."
"My little girl," Brenda said. "Mine and Jason's."
"I know," Sonny sighed. "Trust me, I know. I watched her for hours, stood there for so long I lost track of time. Michael got bored and went off somewhere, but I just stood there watching this baby I wanted to be mine. Then she opened her eyes and I found myself looking into these beautiful blue eyes--Jason's eyes."
"That would make sense. He is her father."
Sonny was silent for a long time, mulling over her words. "Remember that day you came to me before you were supposed to marry Jax?" he said suddenly. "When you came to the penthouse to say goodbye?"
"Of course. That was it, the day we ended."
"Do you remember what I said to you?"
Brenda felt the tears prick her eyes again as Sonny's words replayed in her head.
* * * *
"I used to think we met on the docks but we didn't. I had seen you before, but that day I tried to help you with your suitcase I knew something was gonna happen between us. You were right, you were a girl and I was a man, I should have known better, but I couldn't look away from you. I've seen you in so many ways, loving me, hating me, so desperate and brave, so full of joy, but there are some things that I'm never gonna be able to see. How you look when you're pregnant, holding your first child, or even when you get some gray hair and some lines on your face, but I hope you're smiling Brenda. I hope you get everything that I ever wanted to give you. Love and a life without fear."
* * * *
"I told you I was happy, that I'd found the peace I'd always been searching for. You said you were happy for me."
"I lied," Sonny said. "I was about as far from happy as possible."
Brenda smiled. "You think I didn't know that? You think I didn't know that entire conversation was a lie? I knew all along that nothing we said was real, but I needed to hear it. I needed to be able to pretend we were through or I would never be able to move on."
Sonny got up and went to the window. There wasn't much of a view, just the hospital parking lot, but the sky was clear and blue and the sun shone brightly. In some ways, if he didn't look down at the concrete and metal, it reminded him of Puerto Rico. He'd always been happiest there, especially with Brenda. He smiled to himself, thinking of the times they'd spent there, how happy they'd been, how different things were now. "You know, for a long time I never thought we'd be over," he finally said.
"I was dead for four years," Brenda said. "That's pretty final."
Sonny shook his head. "I knew you weren't really dead. I know what it's like to lose someone you love. You feel it here," he said and pressed a hand to his chest. "My mother, Lily, Stone. . .I felt them all leave me when their times came, but I never felt that with you. I knew you were out there somewhere. I just didn't know where. And when you came back, even though I was married to Carly and you were in love with Jax, I knew it wasn't over. It was so easy to fall back into a love I never really got over. There was never any real closure, no real ending. Every time I looked at you I'd feel that same pull, same desire. I knew I'd never get you out of my system and I knew you were the same way about me."
"Sonny--."
"I thought you'd be mine forever. I thought the bond we had would never break, even if we loved, married, lived with different people, and for a long time I was right."
"So what happened? What changed your mind about all this?"
He turned from the window and gave a little nod towards the door. "That little girl of yours. All the time you've been married to Jason, even pregnant with his child, I still thought of you as mine. I mean, I'd seen you go through relationships with other men, but you'd always end up right back in my arms. Why would I think this was any different? But the first time I looked into your daughter's eyes, and saw Jason looking back at me, I knew it was over. The love I wanted for you? The life without fear? The family and children and security I could never give you? That's what you get from Jason. That's what he does for you. I can see it in your eyes. He gives you peace. As much as I loved you, still do love you, I can never give you that."
Brenda was crying again, ten years of pain, joy, love, and agony, finally coming to an end in this tiny hospital room. She and Sonny had ended it so many times in the past, but it had never been permanent. Somehow, someway, they'd always ended up together. But this time was different, she could see it in his teary eyes. This time was forever. "What are you trying to say?" she whispered.
"I'm giving you up," he said hoarsely. "I'm letting you go, Brenda. Not to save you or to set you free, but because I want to." He slowly walked to her, pausing before the bed. "I'll always love you, Brenda, but it's time to let go." He kissed her temple, stroked her hair. "I wish you all the happiness in the world."
She moved into his embrace, feeling his arms close around her as the tears fell freely. "I love you too, Sonny. I always will."
He held her for a long time, feeling her shoulders shake with sobs, as their tears mingled with one another's. He felt as if a great burden had been lifted off his shoulders, as if he'd just ended the biggest chapter of his life. He had the closure he'd been searching for. It was really, truly over for them--and he was happy. The dark shadow of his past that had haunted his life with Carly was lifted and he knew he'd be able to move forward now. He and Brenda would always share a special bond, he would always love her and what might have been, but it was finally over.
A knock on the door pulled them away from their memories and they jumped apart, each brushing back tears. Agatha burst in holding the baby in her arms. Seeing their swollen faces she frowned, cradling Lila closer to her chest. "I'm sorry to disturb you, Mrs. Morgan, but she's been up for a while now and missing her mama." Her eyes darted from Brenda to Sonny and back again. "But I can come back later if this is a bad time. . ." she trailed off.
Brenda shook her hair over one shoulder and reached out her arms. "This is the perfect time," she said with a watery smile. "Come here, baby. I've missed you."
Agatha looked relieved and hurried to deliver the baby to its mother. "I'll leave you alone now," she said, looking nervously at Sonny as she slipped out of the room.
"Come here," Brenda said and patted the seat next to her. "There's someone I'd like you to meet."
Sonny sat down beside her again and looked at the sleeping baby in her arms. "Sonny, I'd like you to meet Lila Kristina Morgan."
"Kristina?"
"After Kristina Cassadine. She died because of me, don't argue, it's true. And while I no longer openly blame myself for her death, the least I could do is give my baby her name. From what I heard she was a beautiful, loving person, and I'm honored to name Lila after her."
Sonny smiled, his dimples in full twinkle. "And people say you're selfish."
Brenda laughed, running a finger down her daughter's petal-soft cheek. "Well, I have my moments, but this was important to me--."
Lila opened her eyes before she finished her sentence and she immediately turned to the little girl in her arms. Lila reached out one hand and locked onto Sonny's thumb. "Ouch," he said with a laugh. "She's got some grip."
"Well, she's a Morgan AND a Barrett. She comes from good stuff."
"The best. I'm really happy for you, Brenda. I mean it."
She reached out with her free hand and laid it on his cheek. "I know you are. I'm glad you came here today, said what you did. It was hard to listen to, but you were right, I needed to hear it and you needed to say it. Thank you."
Sonny nodded. "You remember, any time you need anything, all you have to do is call. I'll always be here for you, Brenda. Forever."
"Same here."
The door opened and Jason and Carly walked in, holding bags of food and cups of coffee in their hands. Both their expressions fell at the sight of Sonny and Brenda bonding over the baby, but they both immediately pasted on smiles and moved to their respective partners.
"We brought you lunch," Carly said as brightly as possible, setting a bag of food on the nightstand. "I'm sure you're sick and tired of hospital food."
Jason walked over and kissed his wife on the cheek. "How are you feeling?" he asked, his eyes roaming over her tear-stained cheeks. "Is everything okay?"
"Perfect," she said. "It's never been better."
Sonny got off the bed and walked to his wife. "We'd better get going. I'm sure you two want to be alone with your daughter." He wrapped an arm around a protesting Carly's shoulders and led her to the door. "Congratulations, best of luck, we'll see you later."
The door closed behind them and Jason sat down where Sonny had been just a few moments earlier. "What happened, Brenda?" he asked softly, watching the baby gurgling in her arms.
She sighed. "Will you hold her for a moment?" she said and motioned to transfer the baby.
Jason looked at her oddly, but took the baby, sighing as her tiny weight settled into his arms. "I can't believe she's ours," he said softly.
"I know," Brenda said, peering over his shoulder at her daughter. "I know this looks bad, Jason, but. . ."
"But. . ."
"You know how things are with Sonny and me. We're messy, complicated, make things so much harder then they ever should be. That's why we never worked out, because we could never trust each other enough to be completely honest, and you and I both know that without honesty, you have nothing."
"Brenda, what are you trying to say?"
"Sonny came to say it's completely over. He finally realized that I moved on--we both moved on--and that we're really done."
"You've been married to me for two years, we just had a baby together, and it's taken you this long to figure out that you and Sonny are over?" His voice was soft so he didn't disturb the baby, but his tone was laced with anger that Brenda knew she rightly deserved.
"No," she said softly. "I've know for years that we're done, Sonny has too. But we needed to say it, to openly admit the truth. We finally have closure, Jason. I'm finally free."
"Congratulations."
Brenda sighed. "Stop it, Jason. Don't be spiteful. Do you think I don't know about Carly? How every time you look at the beautiful little girl you're holding in your arms, you think someone's going to take her away? Carly burned you badly, more than you'll ever admit, and sometimes I think you'll never be over it. We all have pasts Jason, scars we carry on our hearts. It's up to us to move past all our baggage and build new lives. I needed closure from Sonny to move forward. You need to trust me enough to believe I won't leave you, and more importantly, neither will Lila." She took his hand in hers, rubbed the gold band on his fourth finger. "I made a promise to love, honor, and cherish you until death do us part and I expect to do just that. You and me and Lila, the family we're building, that's forever, Jason. You just need to believe that."
Jason was silent for a moment, feeling the icy fist around his heart melt at Brenda's words. For the first time in his entire marriage, since the birth of his daughter, he felt at peace. Brenda knew his fears, understood his fears, and wouldn't let them take over his live. These two people, this family--they were all his and no one would ever be able to take them away. "Thank you," he said softly.
"I love you," she whispered. "I always will."
"I love you too," he said and bent his head to kiss her. She smiled against his lips, feeling Lila between them. He pulled back and put the baby back in her arms, smiling at his family.
The door flew open again and Jason and Brenda groaned in unison. "Think we'll ever get a moment's peace?" she whispered as Edward, Monica, Alan, Ned, AJ, Courtney, and Emily poured into the room.
Jason watched the Quartermaines bark orders at one another and unleash insults, but for the first time it didn't really bother him. It felt nice to be surrounded by family, and more importantly, love. Brenda looked into his eyes and smiled. "You okay, baby?"
Jason smiled gave her hand a squeeze, ran a hand through his daughters silky hair. "Yeah," he said, gazing at his two beautiful girls. "I think I'm gonna be alright."
~ * ~
Please, please, please respond!
Author's Note:
Does anyone here post on Soapzone? My subscription ran out and I haven't been able to renew it yet, but would someone be willing to post it on the fanfiction board there for me? I would appreciate it sooooo much. Thanks!