To take back control of him

I've been patient; I've waited for an opportunity to present itself, a way to enter his world again and now it has I'm not letting it pass me by, not this time.

This business they are starting together how could they? They don't have any money – they don't stand a chance! I knew the bank manager would turn them down, I can just imagine Stephen speaking to a bank manager; he'd be worrying, nervous and no doubt playing with his fingers, I miss that. He used to be like that with me sometimes, all that seems so long ago now.

I offered them money, what else could I do? I had no other way to get to him, Stephen refused straight away, I couldn't blame him – not really. I don't even think it was because I was offering the help I think it was because of his morals, he was quite proud really. We're not so different, Stephen and I.

Maybe it was a bit of both, being too proud to accept help from anyone and the fact that if he did it was from me, his possessive ex and that I would have a hold over him once again.

I knew that it wasn't going to be easy and to get what I wanted I'd have to get to Douglas. I knew how to do that, I'd had my past experiences with him; I knew how to get him to do the things I wanted, get him on side so to speak. I arranged a meeting with him at the club but of course without Stephen, I had to think about this I didn't want to blow my chances, I had to make Douglas think that I was helping them, that they needed me. This was the only way, the only choice they had. Of course I won him round, I knew I would but even I didn't think he'd agree to all of what I proposed – but he did.

I had the intention to just let them borrow the money; I knew they'd pay me back eventually. I could hardly believe it when I found myself asking to be their silent partner – that way they'd only have to pay back half the money and id have control over Stephen once more. I made it sound so good, so inviting, like I was doing them the greatest favour. Douglas had one condition for me, I wasn't allowed to tell Stephen about it, I agreed of course. I wasn't going to tell him, not yet anyway. I had to be careful regarding Stephen, it had been so long ago that he cared about me; I knew that it was going to be tough getting him onside.

I had to think, I had to come up with a plan, I hadn't exactly been nice to him had I? In fact, I'd been nice to everyone except him. But couldn't he see that it was because I still loved him, I was trying to push him away. He left me to rot in that prison, he believed that I could hurt those girls, kill them. I knew I'd hurt him, but he knew me, he knew I'd never hurt a woman. Maybe he just wanted to punish me for all the things I'd done to him. I did tell him I loved him, promised him i'd change, but I didn't, did I? I just let him down again and again like I always did, i'd left it so long to sort things out with him, then I hit him again; how could I go back? I had to wait, I knew my chance would come.

So I promised to be a silent partner, Douglas knew I would break that promise at some point, but he needed the money, he didn't want to let Stephen down – I could see he thought a lot of him already, I didn't like that, not one bit! But it was my fault; I pushed them together in a way by firing Stephen. I wonder what Stephen will say and do when he finds out that not only did I lend them the money but that I'm also a partner in his business. I would have to be on better terms with him before he found out; I didn't want to ruin my chances with him, not yet anyway. Not before I even had a chance to put things right between us or at least make it a little better.

I couldn't help but feel smug, here I am again interfering, taking over his life and this time he doesn't even know it! The next few days I watched them getting excited, planning and preparing, I couldn't help but feel a little guilty when I saw how happy Stephen was. I wondered what Douglas had told him and where he said he got the money from; I knew I would have to stay away from them for a while otherwise Stephen would know, he knew what lengths i'd go to, to get him.

I should be happy for him but I'm not, I'm going out of my mind without him in my life. So I'm doing the only thing I know how to do, getting involved with his life again, using people to get to him and probably pushing him further away but I don't know what else to do.

He needs me, he's always needed me and although he'll never admit it, he needed me now. I know that I should just stay away, let him do this on his own, but I couldn't, part of me wanted to, but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't. I regret firing him that day and doing this kinda rectified that didn't it? But that wasn't the only reason I was doing all this, I was doing this because I wanted him again, I wanted to take back something that has always belonged to me, I couldn't stand him moving on and doing things without me, things that I knew nothing about, I had to know about him, I don't know why, I just did.

Soon enough he would know, he should know by now the things I'd do for him, why couldn't I be normal and do normal things to get him? I suppose it just wasn't me, I had to do this, it was the only way I could get involved with him again, he might even thank me for it one day. Has he not realised that he will always be my Stephen? I had to do this to take back control, to take back control of him.

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