As Severus lay dying, his last thought was of his precious Lily. Lily Evans. The love of his life. As he took in his final breath of air, his thoughts rested on her face and he remembered their last day as friends and he suddenly hated himself. His last thought before he lost consciousness was that he hated himself for hurting his only love.
It was their Fifth year at Hogwarts and he had recently been approached by Lucius Malfoy to join the death eaters. His best friends Mulciber and Avery had also been approached and they were all going to be initiated soon. His love for the dark arts blinded him and he saw nothing wrong with being involved in a group. Finally, people he could fit in with. Friends. That's all he ever wanted. And it was within reach. He had just taken his OWLs in Defense Against the Dark Arts and he was fairly sure he did well. Though he was still looking over the papers to determine if he could say that with complete confidence. He wasn't paying much attention to the students around him as he walked into the grounds and walked down to the lake. He found a nice clump of bushes and sat in the shade, still concentrating hard on his papers. All of a sudden he heard a familiar voice and his heart started beating a bit faster. Looking over he saw that to his dismay it was James Potter and his friends. "Please don't see me. Please don't see me." He whispered softly as he squeezed his eyes shut. "This'll liven you up, Padfoot," said James quietly though Severus still heard. "Look who it is." "Excellent," Sirius Black said softly. "Snivellus." Severus stood slowly to his feet and shoved the papers into his bag and started walking away across the grass, silently praying for them to ignore him. He knew that was too much to ask as soon as he heard their footsteps following him and James' voice calling out to him. "All right, Snivellus?" said James loudly. Severus dropped his bag and threw his hand inside his robes reaching for his wand. He grabbed hold and lifted his hand into the air as fast as he could, but alas, he was too slow. "Expelliarmus!" James yelled. To Severus' dismay, his wand flew from his hand and landed somewhere behind him. His cheeks grew red with anger as Sirius flew into a fit of laughter. Severus turned and dove after his wand but heard another spell being cast his way. "Impedimenta!"Sirius cast. Severus was knocked off his feet and landed on his stomach panting. As he rolled over to his back, he noticed students had started coming over. Some were looking at him with looks of pure disgust on their faces and he couldn't help but feeling hurt. He never should have come here. Never. Other students were looking entertained and his hurt quickly faded and was replaced with anger; hatred. "How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" James had a smirk on his face and Severus severely wanted to be the one to knock it off of him. "I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," Sirius said matching James' smirk, "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they wont be able to read a word." People started laughing and Severus felt his face grow hot. He hated him. He really hated him. James Potter I wish you were dead. He tried to get to his feet, but something was holding him back. That spell. It was impressive. He felt as though he was bound by invisible ropes. "You – wait," he panted staring at James, trying to portray pure hatred. "You – wait.." "Wait for what? said Sirius. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?" Severus stared at his enemies and muttered curses and hexes, but of course nothing would happen. He didn't have his wand. Which made him only angrier. What the fuck did these guys have that I don't? The voice inside his head answered him immediately. Money. Looks. No wonder he was too scared to tell Lily how he really felt. His love. His Lily Evans. In the end, she was destined to be with someone like James. He knew it. His heart clenched and he felt it begin to break as he pictured her with him. James and Lily. The vision only made him curse louder and scream in pain. "Wash out your mouth," said James coldly. "Scourgify!" All of a sudden pink soap bubbles began pouring from Severus' mouth. He began to gag and choked. Fear clenched his stomach and he was beginning to lose it when he heard an angel. "Leave him ALONE!" Severus glanced over and saw Lily walking towards them. Her gorgeous dark red hair flowing around her like a halo. Suddenly everything faded from his view. All he saw was her. His Lily. It was like this every time he was around her. All he saw was her beautiful face and startling green eyes as she looked at him. But this time she wasn't looking at him. Her eyes were focused on James. Again, his heart began breaking further. Even though she was defending him, he couldn't help but think of her with another guy. NO. No. Not his Lily. He shut his eyes and she faded. "All right, Evans?" He heard James ask. "Leave him alone. What's he done to you?" "Well, its more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean.." There was abrupt laughter and though his eyes were squeezed shut, he could hear that there were a lot more people around now. They were drawn to the drama unfolding like flies to a light. It made him sick. What if Lily was laughing now too? He couldn't bear it. But he wouldn't blame her. He should spare her. She shouldn't risk her popularity to help him. He had to stop her. "You think you're funny, but your just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone!" Severus was struggling against the jinx and was trying to reach his wand. He was getting closer. He could feel it. "I will if you go out with me, Evans." Severus heard James say cooly. No. No. She cant. No. Please say no. He silently begged her. James continued, "Go on. Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again." Again, Severus pictured his beautiful love with James Potter and felt his heart betray him. It was cracking into a million pieces and he couldn't stop it. He had to get rid of her. He had to get her out of here. Anger filled him and he reached for his wand as he heard her voice. "I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid." Lily's voice was laced with disgust. No I must stop her. She cant be labeled a freak like me. No. She deserves so much better. I should make her hate me so she is spared, Severus thought as he grabbed hold of his wand. "Bad luck, Prongs." Sirius said briskly and looked straight at Severus as he pointed his wand at James. Sirius and Severus yelled at the same time. "Sectumsempra!" "OY!" There was a sudden flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James' face, spattering blood down his robes. James turned quickly and pointed his wand at Severus. He barely had a second to feel smug with himself before he was hanging upside down in the air. Severus felt his robes fall down over his face and his face turned bright red as he realized everyone was seeing his underpants. Everyone began cheering and his emberrassment turned quickly to anger. "Let him down!" Lily screamed. "Certainly." Severus felt himself fall and grabbed his wand and stood up as fast as he could but before he could cast another jinx he heard James cast one first. "Locomotor mortis!" Severus felt his body stiffen and he had no control over it. He fell forward and couldn't even put his arms out to stop it. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!" casting his glance up he saw that Lily had her wand out now and was pointing it at James. "Ah Evans. Dont make me curse you." James said to her. At that moment Severus knew what he had to do. He had to turn Lily against him. She needed to be free of him or she would be attacked just as he was. He knew it. He had to save her from herself. "Take the curse off him then!" he listened to the anger in her voice and told himself he was right. James sighed and muttered the countercurse. "There you go. You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus." "I dont need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!" As soon as the words were out and he saw Lily's face crumple in pain and saw the hurt in her eyes he regretted it. He staggered backwards as he heard James tell him to apologize. As he felt his heart breaking for the final time he stopped listening to what was transpiring around him. He was lost in his own world. As he watched her turn her back on him and walk away, the pain hit him and almost brought tears to his eyes, but of course he couldn't let it out. Not yet.
Severus' final living memories turned to later that evening.
He was outside the portrait of the fat lady at the entrance to Gryffindor Tower. He had spent the day under the blanket on his bed and skipped classes due to "sickness." But the only sickness he had was a broken heart. He couldn't live without her. He just couldn't. He was wrong about making her hate him. He never should have done that. He needed her. He needed her as much as he needed air to breath. He would love her until his last breathe, and never anyone else. The pain was too much. He had to find her and try to tell her how he really felt. That he was in love with her. That he loved her since the moment he laid eyes on her. That she was all he ever thought about and what got him through his days. His world revolved around her and he knew that, no matter what, it always would. Even if she refused to forgive him. Even if she never talked to him again. He would love her. Always. He would do everything he could for her. Always. So there he was and he had found himself outisde of the portrait of the fat lady trying to persuade her to get Lily to come out. He tried begging and felt tears pour down his face. He told the lady he would sleep right there all night if he had to. Finally, the fat lady sighed and retreated, he assumed to find Lily. And all of a sudden there she was. His angel. His life. He thought of everything he needed to say but it all got stuck and he looked into her angry face and prepared himself. "I'm sorry." He put as much feeling as he could into it as he looked into those green eyes and willed her to believe him. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, even dressed only in her nightgown and so full of anger that she had her arms crossed over her chest and her hands were clenched. "I'm not interested." she said angrily. "I'm sorry!" He was desperate and tried saying it more forcefully. "Save your breath. I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here." "I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you a Mudblood, it just.." "Slipped out? It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends. You see, you dont even deny it! You dont even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You- Know- Who, can you?" Severus opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking. How could he tell her? How could he make her believe? How could he tell her that he would give all that up just to be with her. Just to keep her. He would give up his new friends. He would give up the death eaters. He would do anything she wanted him to do. He just wanted her to be his. How could he tell her and make her see? Before he could try, she whispered "I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine." He was desperate to make her listen to him. "No. Listen. I didnt mean..." "to call me a mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?" He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous look she turned and climbed back through the portrait hole...
Severus whispered to Lily's back as she walked away from him for the last time. "But Lily, I love you. Always."
The books and chapters I used to write this fanfic are as follows:
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 28 "Snape's Worst Memory" (Pages 641- 648)
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Chapter 23 "The Prince's Tale" (pages 675- 676)