A/N: Much thanks to my awesome friend, Red. Thanks for being my House-Whiteboard and unofficial Beta!
Disclaimer: If Hetalia belonged to me, this kind of jizz would happen all the time.
Warnings: Mentions of sex toys, condoms, etc. Nothing graphic, though. Oh, and just France being France.
Enjoy!
Easter
That morning, all the nations with children reluctantly drove to France's house for Easter. The pervert had told them he had a 'special surprise' for the kids, which immediately made a few of the nations attempt to press pedophilia charges against France, who later swore he wouldn't touch them; it was just an Easter egg hunt.
"Yeah, right," England muttered as he pulled into France's driveway. Sealand bounced around in the backseat happily, watching out the window and yelling every time he saw a bird. England was extremely glad to open the doors and let the little bugger out.
"Mon cherie, you made it!" France said, coming out of his house. Before he could do anything, France had enveloped England in a hug.
"What the hell!" England protested, pushing against France's chest. "Get off me!" He finally managed to jerk away from the Frenchman's hold.
"Ah, well, maybe later," France dismissed. "Anyhow, where has your little charge gotten off to?"
"Oh, Sealand's probably-" England stopped and pointed. "Up there."
"Hi Jerk England!" Sealand yelled from his position in a tree. "Hi France!"
"Good morning Sealand!" France called.
"Get down from there, little ungrateful prat!" England ordered.
"Why is Sealand in a tree?" France asked curiously. England shrugged and made a clueless expression.
"He likes squirrels," he tried explaining. Sealand had, in fact, found a squirrel a few branches up and was trying to get it to come down.
"Sealand, don't touch it," England yelled. "Bloody thing probably has rabies."
"Don't be such a fun-sucker," Sealand called back down. "It's only Jorge." England covered his face in his hands.
"He's named the squirrel," he muttered. "All right Sealand, you've had your bleeding fun, now get down from that tree!"
"No way! Jorge and I are having fun!" Jorge, a few feet above Sealand, was wide-eyed and cleaning a foot with his tongue. Well, at least it didn't seem to be rabid; maybe retarded, but not rabid.
"Okay then. I'm going back in the house, and you and Jorge can stay in the tree as long as you wish. Bye." England turned and began accompanying France back inside. He smirked when the boy's voice muttered, "Bye Jorge," and the scuffling of leaves could be heard.
"Okay, okay, you win," Sealand muttered, racing back up to them.
"Oh look, America's here," France pointed out, gesturing to the moving van speeding down the road. It screeched to a halt in front of France's house, blocking England's car in.
"Hey France!" America yelled, hopping out of the truck. Going around to the back, he opened the back doors with a flourish. "Go, be free!" he said as fifty children piled out, screaming and pushing.
"Just get them in the house," France told him. "Russia and the Baltics should be here any minute."
"You invited Russia?" America asked, pulling New York and Massachusetts away from each other. The two had become locked in another heated dispute-turned-fistfight over baseball teams.
France shrugged. "Well, how old is Latvia? Fifteen?"
"Yeah, that's it," America said. "Anyway, I guess it's safer for the Baltics to be here with people instead of alone with Russia." He sighed, turning to the horde of children again. "Oi! New York, Massachusetts, stop killing each other! Hey, Delaware, d'you think you could –?"
"Yeah, sure. Come on guys; let's get into the house." Delaware, a fifteen-year-old blond girl quickly eased the fighting pair off the front lawn. America finished herding the other forty-seven kids into the house and sighed again, walking up to the adults.
"They didn't stop talking the entire way here," he moaned.
"At least you didn't have squirrel-boy there," England said, pointing to Sealand. The young boy was pestering Texas, trying to get him to show him how to tie a lasso.
"Who?" America asked. He hadn't seen the brief episode with Sealand and Jorge.
"Oh never mind, you bloody tosser," England said.
"Hi Russia!" America said, waving frantically to someone behind England. The Englishman whirled around and took a hurried step backward when he saw Russia, the Baltics standing behind him.
"Hello America," Russia said, twisting his bloodstained pipe through his fingers in a rather threatening way. America eyed the pipe cautiously, finally backing away toward the house.
"I should make sure the kids are all right," he said. "Delaware may be the oldest, but there's forty-nine insane children racing around, plus Sealand." And with that, he ran into France's house.
"Uh, we'll go help him," Lithuania said towing Estonia and Latvia into the house after America.
-Half an hour later-
"Okay! The eggs are hidden in the backyard and the front yard," France was saying. The kids – America's fifty states, Sealand, Liechtenstein, and Seychelles – were crowded eagerly on the back porch. France was standing in front of them, explaining, and the adults were sitting in chairs in the back.
"Just find as many eggs as you can! Go!" France was nearly killed as fifty-three children stampeded over him to get into the backyard. America, England, Russia, the Baltics, and a rather pissed-looking Switzerland were sitting on folding chairs at the back of the porch. When the charge stopped, France picked himself up and collapsed in an empty chair.
"Well, they'll be occupied for a few hours," he said tiredly.
The adults began talking about really anything, France every so often refilling everyone's wine glasses. America had asked Latvia why he wasn't out there – Delaware was, and she was his age – and had been met with the boy's memory of past Easter egg hunts, instigated by Russia. They had all held razor blades, and a few of them were containers of human blood, which Russia deemed 'extra points'. He didn't really seem to understand what an Easter egg hunt really was.
"Hey France, where are the kids?" America finally asked after about an hour.
"Oh, around here somewhere," France said.
"How many eggs did you hide?" America wondered.
"Many, let's just say that. Oh look, here they come now." France pointed to the yard, where fifty-three kids were running back with armfuls of plastic eggs. Now, nobody thought anything of it until the children began opening the eggs.
"Uh, France?" America asked after receiving an egg and a questioning look from Alabama. "Is this what I think it is?"
France peered at the package gingerly held in America's hand. "Yep."
"Why?" England asked, getting one from Sealand. "Why are there condoms in the bloody Easter eggs?"
"The way I saw it, you're supposed to put prizes inside them," France explained calmly. "And that's what I did."
"Uh, America?" Delaware asked. "What should I do with this?" She gestured to the forty-nine other children who were looking with confusion at the piles of strange objects; only the adults knew what they were, but Delaware could figure some of it out. Inside the eggs were condoms, little bottles of lubricant, and – crumpled up papers?
"Delaware," America asked, trying to seem composed, "could you hand me one of those papers?" The girl shrugged and tossed him a paper ball. Unfurling it, America saw that it was torn out of a book. When he read a few words, it turned out to be a graphic, raunchy sex scene. Which, after a few paragraphs, turned into a threesome.
"France, you bloody frog, what the hell were you thinking?" England asked angrily, trying to stop Sealand from opening another egg. Russia, sitting in the corner, picked up one of the papers and looked at it in confusion. Flipping it over, they could see pictures from what looked like the Kama Sutra. The Baltics were trying to help keep the children from seeing too much, but there was no way they and Delaware could keep the fifty other kids from doing whatever they pleased.
Liechtenstein, however, had opened one egg, looked at a strand of anal beads, and ran to hide behind Switzerland. If they thought he looked pissed before, it was nothing to how he looked now. And he was holding a gun at eye-level, pointing it directly at France.
"France," he said, voice deathly calm, "you have five seconds." France took the hint and ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction. Switzerland, satisfied that France wouldn't be returning for while, turned to the pile of egg-fillings.
"What are we going to do with all this…stuff?" Estonia asked, waving a hand at the pile. The children had uncapped most of the eggs and a mound of sex toys, condoms, lubricant, and more papers lay on the porch.
"I don't know," America sighed. "Just toss it back in France's house?"
"Hey England, England, lookit!" Sealand yelled, running up to the man. "I got a balloon animal!" He was holding out a condom, which he had taken out of the package. England made a weird choking sound and snatched the condom out of Sealand's hands.
"T-that's not a balloon animal, twit," he stammered, tossing it in the garbage.
"I'll say; it's all sticky," Sealand commented. England sputtered again and told him to go help Delaware put the stuff in a garbage bag.
"England," America said quietly, "does Sealand even know what a condom is?"
"No, and I'd prefer to keep it that way," England said. "How you even know is a mystery I'd rather not solve."
"Oh, Canada and I both know before we got independence," America said. He laughed at England's wide-eyed expression. "France did come over a lot," he explained.
"Okay, that's it: we have new rules to establish," England decided. "First let's just get this crap inside."
-Later…-
"England, what rules were you talking about?" America asked. England had dragged them all to the World Conference Building after the stupid trip to France's house, still ranting about new rules.
"You'll see," England said, rummaging through the closet. Triumphantly pulling out a long roll of paper, he slammed it down on the table. The paper was a list of rules, stating simple things such as "Don't let Russia play pin the tail on the donkey" or "America shouldn't have too much sugar" and "Never let Japan/France/Hungary have a video camera".
"What're you writing?" America asked, seeing England's untidy scribble across the paper. When he backed away, there were two new lines.
Rule 103: Do not let France plan Easter egg hunts.
Rule 104: Someone teach Sealand the difference between condoms and balloon animals.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Credit for the Sealand-balloon-animal part goes to Red, my whiteboard and awesome friend.
Anyhow, this is mainly what I think Easter in Hetalia-World is like. Subscribe for more holiday awesomeness!