Well… i was going through some nelena facts today and this idea came up… this is kind of a second part of "Broken" and i say kind of 'cause in broken Selena talk about how she feels about the first break up… in this story, Nick tells how he feels but about the second break up, that's why i didn't put this as a chapter on broken, it is supposed to be written before he met Delta so she's not mentioned (: Enjoy =) and check out my other fanfic "Falling in" please! i need your feedback on that to decide if i continue it or not :)

This story is NOT what really happened but it is based on real Nelena facts (:

Declaimer: I don't own any character in this story :/

Shattered

I stare at the pictures of her boyfriend and her on the screen of my laptop. I run my fingers through my hair, as I tilt my head back. And i shut the laptop down. Again a pain that drives me insane. And again my heart shuts off any and all feelings. It has stopped feeling almost anything for so many months now. Ever since she broke up with me. I squeeze my eyes shut. I can feel the tears building rapidly behind my eyes. I can feel the warmth of the tears as they struggle to break free. My mind works. It recognizes that I'm in emotional pain. It recognizes it and is compensating for a broken heart that refuses to work. I hate it. I hate to see her with him. I hate seeing him kiss her. I hate the way she looks at him. I hate the way he holds her hand. I hate how he's around her all the time like a fly on a cake. I fucking hate that i'm not the one who's by her side. I shake my head. Because I don't know how much farther I can go on like this. How the fuck can someone live watching the girl they love with another man?

The last memory I have of her before the break up was of her telling me that she loves me. The last good memory that existed before she sent me a text saying that she needed to talk with me, right then i knew that something was wrong. So we met for breakfast the next day where she broke up with me. Her reason for it all was that she felt that we both had busy schedules for us to find time to be together. She was going to start filming her movie in Paris and i was starting reharsals for Les Miz in London. That was her reason for breaking up with me. I lean forward, pressing my hand against my forehead. I was sure that, that wasn't the reason at all I can tell you that she was scared that i'd actually hurt her again. My tears leaving warm trails down my cheeks. I wanted to fight to keep her. I wanted to show her I would do anything it took to make the relationship work. I wanted to prove to her that I love her. But what was the point? If she couldn't tell that after all i did. Then nothing I did then was going to change that. I really did everything I could for her. I tried my best to be the best boyfriend I could for her. I kept thinking of ways to show her that I love her. I told her I loved her. I wrote her a song. Then I sang it to the world. I made it clear that she meant everything to me. But in the end it was pointless wasn't it? She decided that I wasn't good enough for her. She left. She had this SO busy schedule that she become affectionate towards a kid that hasn't even hit puverty in a matter of a couple of months after she broke up with me. How could you say you love someone only to be affectionate towards another in a couple of months?

I guess you breaking my heart wasn't enough was it? You had to rip up whatever was left didn't you? Sometimes i feel like you were just pretending you loved me so i'd believe it and then you would shatter my heart the way you swear i did the first time we dated when all i did back then was being afraid to fall in love again and then get broken hearted like i was when we first met, all i wanted was you to understand that she didn't mean nothing to me anymore all those times when you thought i was thinking about her i was actually fighting my feelings towards you i was trying to avoid falling for you, truth is i was madly in love with you but i just didn't want to accept it.

I stand up biting down on my lip. Wiping away the tears as my left hand rests over my heart. My head aches. I can't understand your reasoning behind any of this. I look back at what we share and what I find now is it's corrupted. Memories and moments that I don't know if they meant anything anymore. Did you mean anything that you told me? Did you really love me? You said we could still be friends. And i agreed but how can you say we're friends one minute and then turn around and tell the world how "bad" i treat you and how i "tried" to change you. Just bullshit. You should thank God that i'm a gentleman and i don't like to talk about my privite life.

This reminds me of this song i just found and i loved called "Somebody I used to know" 'cause that what you are for me now… Just somebody i used to know, you act like we were nothing, like i meant nothing in you life, you treat me like a stranger and i swear that it is the worst feeling ever.

The last traces of the relationship are now gone. Nothing but trash that has been removed from my life. The only proof that we were together is in my memories. But even that is tainted. It all feels like nothing but a lie now. The way the word love was mentioned through out the relationship. Used here and there. But was there any meaning behind it? Was it words that were used without any conscious feeling behind it? Was it nothing more than a word that exists? That is the question that floats in my heart. But in my soul the answer does not exist. I stare at the ceiling. I want to stretch out my hand as if I was reaching up to the stars, in a vain attempt to reach out to her. As if I could touch her.

But it is stupid. A wish of a dreamer, a desire of a fool. For only an unrealistic person would reach out to someone who has hurt them. Yes I still love her. I do want her to be happy. But at this moment all I see before me is the pain that she left me in. A heart that was broken. A heart that refuses to acknowledge feelings of any kind anymore. Where the pain should be, all I feel is emptiness. A void. And that is a problem. If a heart can't feel. Then what does it exist for? Again with the questions with no answers.

I collapse into my bed, hugging the pillow to my chest. As my tears soak the pillow. I gave you my heart. I loved you as much as I could. It was for nothing wasn't it? You said you loved me. I close my eyes. They ache horribly along with my head. I cannot cry anymore. I cried out what was there. Till nothing was left. It hurt so much.

My greatest desire during our relationship was to see you smile. I loved when you smiled. Because that meant you were happy. Now you're happy with him. I hug the pillow tighter as I press my face against it.

I did what I could for you. And I don't know why you left me. I just know that my head hurts. My soul aches and my heart no longer works. Despite how much I hurt. I still can't hate you. But I'm unsure if I can forgive you either.