Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to own any recognizable and/or licensed material appearing in this work of fiction in any way, shape, and/or form. All recognizable and/or licensed material appearing in this work of fiction belongs to their respective owners in every way, shape, and/or form under the law. I am not attempting to and/or making a profit from this work of fiction in any way, shape, and/or form.
AN: Well, this is obviously a parody of the season premiere of The Walking Dead. Which aired weeks ago. But hey, what are you going to do about ideas that worm their way into you're brain? And then kind of hibernate for a while. And then show up. You obviously right it way later.
Also I guess its to show I can still write stuff for anybody who ever thinks my long hiatuses from posting/updating/doing anything on FF means I'm gone.
Enjoy the following parody.
"Link!" The 'knight' banged on the door to the near pristine carriage in front of them, the bolt sliding free before the door was pushed open and, to many of those before it, a face was at last given to 'Link'.
Blonde hair stood out beneath the green hat he wore, blue eyes glanced over them all, a cruelty the 'King of Evil' could never match shining in them, long ears that announced the Hylians extended from underneath his hat. He was dressed like he had been described, a dark green tunic padded with chain mail underneath it and leather straps across it. A large weapon, one only one race was supposedly capable of wielding rested on his shoulder. The face was too young to be the same source as the name whispered in terror across the wasteland that was once such a peaceful world.
"Wow. We meet at last." Link stopped in front of them, chuckling as he let his Hammer drop to the side for now. "I was starting to figure none of you really liked me with how much me and my friends had to chase you down!" The 'knights' around them broke into laughter as Link did the same, throwing his head back as his body shook. "I mean this is such a clusterfuck isn't it?"
He pointed around them, at the burning village that had once been their home, that had once been the start of something new and different in a twisted world. Now it was nothing but death and quickly becoming only ash.
"Firstly, you all are just so stupid that you willingly, can you guys believe this, WILLINGLY!" Link threw a look towards several of his 'knights' who laughed. "You willingly raid one of MY stockpiles! Take MY stuff! Kill MY people! That, everything you took, was reserved only for HYLIANS! Last time I checked, none of you are close to being one." Link's blue eyes were filled with rage as they swept over those present but his smile never wavered. In truth, it seemed to only grow and grow the more he spoke and the angrier he became. "You had the nerve to not stop there, you all were carrying WAY too big balls to even consider stopping so you go on and on. You idiots raid another of MY stockpiles! You take more of MY stuff! And guess what? YOU KILL MORE OF MY PEOPLE!" He was screaming at the end, his smile still never leaving his face as he did so. "You had such great big balls that even those filthy Gorons are impressed because then you promise to kill me! ME! And that's AFTER you kill the guys I send to kill you, you kill more of MY people, and take MORE OF MY STUFF! You swear that you'll kill me but then what happened? Come on! Tell me what happened!"
"I'll tell you!" He threw a single hand out as he brought his Hammer back up to his shoulder. "WE got to YOU first! WE come to take YOUR stuff! WE kill YOUR people! And now everyone is right were they're fucking supposed to be. Despite all the little hiccups we all had to go through to get here."
"You see, when I send my guys to deliver my 'message', the people who get the visit usually get the 'message' but you didn't. With you it's VERY different. When I send my people to kill you for raiding my stockpiles, killing my people, and taking my stuff, you actually just kill more of my people." Link stepped forward, his grin not wavering in the slightest at the ash that crunched under his boots. "You really don't understand how this is supposed to work."
One of the 'knights' stepped forward, whispering something to Link and he nodded along to it even as his eyes continued to run over those gathered in front of him.
"You have no idea how badly you messed up but trust me when I say you're about to." Link strode forward the Megaton Hammer of the Gorons resting on his shoulders, the Hero of Masks and Time wielding it with ease. He stopped in front of the glaring Ganondorf, crouching down to his level.
"Wow, by the Goddesses what happened to you?" A brutal scar laid in the middle of the former Gerudo King's face, Link grinning as he patted the 'King of Evil' on the shoulder. "Looks like someone took a magical sword straight to your ugly mug of a face. And they messed it up. Wonder who would do something like that, got any names?"
"..." Silence was the only answer he received, the look on Ganondorf's face showing the pure hate he felt for the young 'Hero' in front of him.
"Alright, alright. Moving on." His eyes ran down those on either side of Ganondorf, his face betraying nothing but the pure amusement he felt at the situation they found themselves in. "Well, well, well, you got the whole gang here it seems. How you doin' Vaati?" The 'Hero' left Ganondorf to instead crouch down at the small figure further down the line. "You don't look as bad as you did last time we met." His gray skin was still there, several shades unhealthy, and his red eyes continued to glare at the Hylian in front of him. At least the one not covered by his hair. "What about you Veran? Twinrova?" Neither of the once seemingly unstoppable sorceresses could manage to look at him, both heavily weighed down by the magic of the Light Arrows used on them. "Come on, somebody better start talking or else we're starting early!" His anger finally seemed to boil over at their silence, his easygoing personality leaving to show the fury he was known for. "I got the perfect one of you to start with right here." The Hammer was off his shoulder, leveled with the 'monster' in front of him as he rose to his full height. "You all want that! Huh!"
"You want somebody to talk to, come over here!" Onox struggled for a moment, two of Link's 'knights' coming forward with clear intent in their eyes without even look at where there hands flew to their swords. What was destined to happen didn't through as neither reached him before Link rose a hand, a single finger raised up. Instantly they froze.
"Wait guys, hold up for a second." Link stepped away from Vaati, the Wind Mage hardly holding back his shaking by that point as he stepped over to the once heavily clad general, now stripped down to the plain clothes he now wore. "Mmmhmm, I remember you. I remember you." He repeated himself, the Megaton Hammer once again resting on his shoulder. "You're the Demise worshiping trash that wanted to start all this. Blowing up my guys with a few bombs. So, after finding yourself in this complete fucking disaster, I've got to ask how are you feeling now Mr. General?"
Link's words only received a glare and he chuckled before rising.
"So many choices, so many choices." He may have been speaking to himself or all of them, it was impossible to tell. What was easy to say in turn was that he stopped at Ganondorf, crouching down to meet his eyes again.
"You know, I simply cannot decide." Link cast a look to either side of Ganondorf, looking at the numerous individuals that rested on their knees, bound by the power of the Light Arrows he and his group used liberally. "I've got the King of Evil and all his little servants right smack down in front of me and I. Cannot. Decide."
He rose to his feet, pausing as he saw the looks sent towards the Hammer resting in his hands, Link grinning as he brought it up with both hands, admiring the large silver head of it.
"This, this is my Megaton Hammer. A little present from those filthy Gorons, the weapon of their legendary hero and. It. Is. Awesome." Link spun it in his hands, the power of the Golden Gauntlets more than enough to move it with ease. "And one of you is about to get a real close look at it."
"Now. How to decide who gets it."
Link leveled the hammer with Ganondorf, the 'King of Evil' not showing a hint of the fear the others did.
"Not you." He stepped back, giving them all a clear view of him from where they sat.
"Before this party starts, understand something. You've had you're free shot when you blew up my men. Anybody do anything, and I mean absolutely anything I don't like and this mess you're in right now, trust me when I tell you it gets a lot less fun. If you do ANYTHING that I don't like this becomes sunshine and rainbows compared to what I do afterwards. Trust me when I say this mess gets a lot worse! Now, let's get this thing underway before we lose all this precious sunlight."
"Choke...a...Goron...with...a...rock..." Ganondorf, Veran, Vaati, Onox. He pointed the Megaton Hammer at each of them as he spoke. "If...he...dies...then..." Majora, shaking in his boots, Twinrova, the sorceress not even able to raise her head, Zant, and Midna were next, neither of the Twili looking away from the 'Hero' in front of them, ready to pass judgement. "Pick...one...more..." Hilda, Ravio, and Yuga. "Cuz...you...are..." His Hammer swept across all of them, his smile never leaving his face. "IT!" The last was spoken with glee, the Megaton Hammer coming to a stop.
Link smile grew as he stepped towards the Terminian, shock and horror covering all of their faces as he did so. The man in green was only able to shake as he stared at Link, slowly rising to as high as he could reach from where he knelt.
Tingle could only offer a single gesture to the boy next to him as Link approached, two fingers held out to the side. Fairy Wings.
"Anybody moves, anybody says anything, work the Wind kid over and then we'll start." Link's smile was pure vile glee as he rose his Hammer up, his eyes not leaving his target. "You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry. Who am I kidding? You'll all be doing that!"
The Hammer came down.
WHAM!
"Ug..." His head dropped, the normal green hood he wore torn away like the rest of their belongings. They could see the blood run down his head as Link paused, his glee at his handiwork clear as he let the man suffer.
"Look at that! Taking it like a man!" Link drew the hammer back up, Tingle's bloodied head raising up somehow to look at him.
"Suck...Deku...nuts..." WHAM! Another swing from the Megaton Hammer and Tingle fell forward as Link grinned at the blood splattered across him already.
"Did you hear that!" His next strike didn't come as he turned to his 'knights'. "Hear what this fairy boy said! Suck some Deku nuts! Man still trying to be a Kokiri!" WHAM! Another swing on the downed Tingle, the crunch of his skull audible to all those watching. But the 'Hero' didn't stop, he kept going. "You got a pair on you telling me that!" WHAM!
"This!" WHAM! "Piece!" WHAM! "Of!" WHAM! "Scrub!" WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! "Telling me to suck Deku nuts!" Another blow didn't come on the crimson rubble that was once Tingle's skull. Link could only laugh as he rose up his weapon.
"Look at my Hammer guys, I've got his brains all over it!" His smile widened as he swung the Hammer down, giving a shaking Majora a front row view to it all. "Come on kid, take a look at all that's left of Red! He was, is, and always will be from now-red! He just took two, or four, or eight for the rest of you! So. Take. A. Look."
The Megaton Hammer was pushed into Majora's shaking chest, the absent mask letting all of them see the tears running down the sobbing child's face as the blood was smeared across him. The man who had been the only reason he had survived, the only reason he wasn't insane and alone, was dead not even half a meter from him.
"Oh...you're that brat he was with, right?" Link's gloved hand replaced his Hammer, the 'Hero' grabbing a fistful of his tattered shirt and dragging him to the ground. "Take a closer look already kid! Really take it all in!"
Sobs wracked his body, sounded through the clearing as Majora looked away, burying his head in the dirt instead of setting his eyes on the grisly scene so close to him.
"I SAID LOOK AT IT!" Link grabbed Majora by the back of his head, pulling his face out of the dirt to look into his eyes. "Look at him right now you damn brat!" His free hand brought up the Megaton Hammer again, one hand all he needed to make his point abundantly clear. "Right! Fucking! Now! You don't, you get to go through what that little man just did!"
Everything changed then.
With a battle cry, Onox charged forward, breaking free of the Light Magic binding him only to be swiftly brought down by the 'knights' surrounding them all. It was only after he had managed to knock Link to the ground through from his wild charge, the 'Hero' switching from enjoyment to pure rage.
"Not a single bit of what just happened is okay!" Link's eyes were crazed as he rose back to his feet, letting his Hammer hit the ground next to Onox.
"Not. A. Single. Goddess. Damn. Thing. I told you all what would happen before I started! First is free! I understand all about getting caught up in the moment but what did I say afterwards! HUH! What! Did! I! Say!" He was suddenly all smile again, stepping back from the struggling former general, back towards his many powerless captives. "I don't know what you've been dealing with, what with all those filthy Zoras, stupid Gorons, and Goddesses damn Kokiri running wild all over but us Hylians do things differently."
He paused, turning to allow all of them to see his smile. It promised suffering, a hell like no other.
"I need you to know that. So..."
WHAM!
"...back to it!"
"NO!" Hilda screamed, a number of 'knights' rushing forward and holding her down as Ravio was the next victim of Link's Megaton Hammer.
"Make him watch!" Link barked his order to his men, two of them wrestling with Onox for a moment before forcing his head up, making him see precisely what he had caused. He briefly moved the bloody Hammer, letting Onox see the blood, the flesh, and the bone that covered it. "I want you to get a good look at what happens when you don't listen to me!"
WHAM!
Link let the next swing follow through, striking the ground as he took a good look at the bloodied face of Ravio, his tattered hood and scarf doing nothing to hide the damage he had done in a single swing.
"Look at that! I hit him so hard his eyes popped out! And it is gross!" Link laughed, leaning forward on his Hammer to get a better look of Ravio's bulging eye. "Goddesses, you're trying to say something but I hit you so hard your skull's got to be wrecked!"
"Hil...da...I...I..." WHAM! Another strike from the Hammer dropped Ravio to the ground, Link grinning as he took in the horrified looks of all those present.
"You bunch of pussies." WHAM! WHAM! "I'm just getting started!"
WHAM!
WHAM!
WHAM!
WHAM!
"WOOOO!" Link finally stopped, letting his Hammer rest on the ground as he reached down, peeling Ravio's now red hood back to see the carnage he had caused. "This has got to be the best I've ever done this! I mean, sure, I get to kill some Redeads, a couple Wolfos, and the whole dozen other things plaguing my fields cuz' of you but I have never gotten such gore from my SWEET Hammer before. MMMMM! Take this down in all your little notebooks, your friends did not die for nothing! I am immortalizing this scene right here for all of us to remember! The day you started working for me!"
One of his 'knights' came forward, a pictograph in hand as Link smiled. He rested the Megaton Hammer next to the bloody smear that was once the head of a living and breathing Lorulian. The flash of the machine was almost blinding as Link moved on, planting a foot on Tingle's corpse next. The flash was just as blinding.
"This was a productive day right here." Link looked around him, at his 'knights' and the prisoners still kneeling before him. Many of them were sobbing, their eyes not leaving the ground or the two fresh corpses. "But let's get down to the serious stuff, alright guys?" He threw his arms out to his side, gaining laughter and chuckles from the 'knights' gathered around him.
Link moved then, chuckling as he walked over to Ganondorf with a grin.
"Now with all the fun stuff out of the way let's move on!" He sat down, crossing his legs, as he continued to smile. "Ganondorf, its time to lay out the rules for how all this works. I'm going to explain your new life to you, all you got to do is smile and nod like the filthy Gerudo whore you are, got it?" Link patted Ganondorf on the cheek, the 'Hero' covered in the blood of two relative innocents when compared to the rest of them. "Number one, you aren't anything I say you aren't. Number two, you all now officially work for me. The more you provide, the more supplies you bring in, the less this has to happen again." He gestured behind him to Onox, Ravio, and Tingle, two corpses and one broken general staring in horror. "The less this happens, the less I remember to be pissed at your gang here!" His smile was too wide, his blue eyes only holding hate if even that. "Number three, you are going to give me half of what you've got right now. Got it?"
Link nodded his head towards the gathered pile of supplies his 'knights' had already confiscated from them when they were captured, smoked out of the ruined village around them. The fires they set were still burning even now.
"You will personally be handing me everything I tell you too, got it?" Link didn't wait for a response, already getting his feet under him and rising.
"I bet you all thought you were through, right? I bet you all thought nothing like this could ever happen but joke's on you all now! This is the new world! This is the new Hyrule! This is your new life! Get used to it or you'll end up like the two Reds that just got so kindly introduced to my awesome Megaton Hammer!"
AN: And done. Do whatever you want now. Review. Flame it. Bash it. Love it. PM me. I honestly don't care. Just glad this thing is out of my head. Hopefully...
Damn. It's probably going to keep bugging me for weeks still.
Peace.