Disclaimer: *waving psychic paper around* see?

Warning: slight DW x-over

Spoilers: Curse of the Fatal Death (* see #13)

List of things not to do in Torchwood Cardiff

(page 1)

I will never ever open the Rift. Proviso: unless the Doctor tells me do so.

I will not shag Jack no matter how much I want to, Ianto might object. Or Gwen.

I will not play Eurythmics "I saved the world today" on penalty of cleaning Weevils' cages for the rest of the year.

Or "Hot'n'cold" for that matter.

Or "She Wolf" when last of the Time Lords graces our humble Hub by his presence.

Let's stick to Glen Miller, folks. OK?

I won't play ninjas with Jack. Yes, he can't die. It's still cruel.

I won't try to get Owen drunk. It was disgusting even before he died.

I won't techno-bubble for five moments and conclude it with crushed "I'm so sorry. From the bottom of my hearts." Jack might not get the joke.

I won't try to convince Tosh that papier-mâché copy of Star Gate is real alien tech.

I won't choose "Titanic" for team night. Jack was on real thing. Twice.

I will not have sex with aliens. M-mm… OK, I'll try not to do it too often.

I won't tell Jack that Rowen Atkinson might be the Doctor. It's still cruel.

I won't play silly child games. "I have never" just doesn't work with Jack. Neither does "I spy", for different reason so.

I won't spray fans of Britney Spears with airborne retcon. It's highly expensive drug. And we are not humanitarian organization.

I won't tell Ianto that Jack run away with his alien ex-boyfriend, again. I like my coffee fresh and hot.

I won't tell Gwen that too. She is scary.

I won't encourage Jack to acquire a spaceship. He just might.

Or order proper uniform for us. Ianto likes his suits. So does Gwen her leaser jackets.

Bursting into the Hub with cries "Aliens are coming!" is out of question too. Even if it's April 1st.

I won't use Jack for moving target practice.

Or Owen for that matter.

I won't try to arrest the Doctor. Yes, it's in our charter. So what?

I won't teach weevils Galactic Standard. We don't want troubles with Shadow proclamation after all.

I will not run away with passing by alien tourist. Doctor is exception, per usual.

A/N: I consider it Round Robin i.e. you send me you addition to list and I'll post them with proper credentials. Updates will be sporadical so. As the muse hits.