A/N I don't own anyone and any recognisable dialogue is straight from the episodes S16E10 Forgiving Rollins and S15E10 Psycho/Therapist.


I told her that this was necessary, if the judge allowed it we needed to be ready.

I told her I knew she had testified before but not about her own assault.

I pushed her to tell me the details she had guarded so carefully for so long.

She had barely even said that she consented to sex with Deputy Chief Patton "at first" because he inferred that if she had sex with him her sister wouldn't be prosecuted and my stomach had started to roll….

I tried but don't think I managed to hide a brief grimace as reality started to dawn.

She didn't seem to even truly understand what she had said, like she had never really thought about it before…..she consented "at first". Oh god. No! She told me she lay down on the bed, he was drunk and started pulling at her clothes and already I was struggling to keep my game face on. I know I flinched…..I couldn't help it. She told me how he got rough with her, biting, slapping and banging her head against the headboard, I could see how her body language was changing, like it was only now she started to understand with these acknowledgements what had happened all that time ago.

She shifted in her seat trying to shake off the reality that was now settling on her too. She told me how she tried to get up but he told her " Amanda, you know I don't take 'No" for an answer"…..

I knew then, for sure.

This was exactly what Det. Taymore had said.

It's one of the first rules of being a lawyer, you don't ask a question you don't know the answer to. I know this was a trial prep so this was the time to ask the questions to make sure I knew the answers, but what was I thinking? I don't know why I asked her 'Then what happened…..'. Was it my training? Or was it Benson's frequent assertion that victims have to confront it all to begin healing? Or was it my selfish desire to win? I don't know… but I can't forget the deep breath she took before her haunted admission that he pinned her wrists above her head, told her she wasn't going anywhere and no-one would believe her anyway.

The sick feeling that had been gnawing away at my stomach was beginning to over power me and I couldn't speak. I just looked at her as she admitted to giving up. And then the whispered admission that took my breath away, that he raped her.

I watched the tears glisten in her eyes. How she bit her bottom lip to try and take back the words she had just let out. All the experience working with victims deserted me as I stood trying to keep the horror off my face. I don't think I did so well….. She just took a few deep breaths and twisted in her seat for a minute before stiffly saying "Thank you Counselor, I'll see you tomorrow". As she walked out I stood there, rooted to the spot.

She has barely finished admitting the long denied facts, he had raped her…

In those three words I had forced her to admit, what had I done to her?

Did I ever really believe it was truly an assault and no more, or did I suspect the truth and just 'use' her guilt about Det. Taymore to strengthen my case against Patten? Sure, I knew that Det. Taymore had made a couple of pointed comments on the stand that had to have been directed at Rollins. Sure, she came to me wanting to testify about an 'assault', when initially she had claimed to know nothing. Then when Patten himself had implied that they had a 'history' she said that he had taken advantage of a bad position she had put herself in. She claimed that prior bad acts were inadmissible and NOTHING really happened. Blaming herself , insisting on it being off the record, refusing to answer the question 'had Patten raped her?', she said based on her personal experience she believed Det Taymore was telling the truth…

It just kept escalating with every forced revision.

Her whole demeanour screamed the hidden truth.

As professionals in dealing with these horrible crimes, did we really not just KNOW…..?

Was I so desperate to get him because he called me a "Spanish Dandy"? Because it was a high profile high risk trial for me that I didn't consider what this would do to her? What was I thinking?

Should I have insisted on Benson being present?

Benson…

It's only a year since she sat in the same place. Trial prep for her case against Lewis. And look at how I screwed that up too.

God what was I doing?

When I think back now I can remember how hard she fought against his offer to plead to rape. How she railed at me "you saw the rape kit after four days, he didn't have the balls to rape me…..". I wasn't sure then that I believed he hadn't raped her. I definitely didn't understand why she would risk a trial and a jury when he had offered to plead guilty to such serious charges. After all the degradation he put her through, was this admission so important?

I have worked with SVU for a couple of years now and have come to understand the peculiar heinous nature of sex crimes. I am as haunted by the cases as the detectives are. Even the wins aren't necessarily something to celebrate. How did El Tiburón begin to care more for the people than his Win-Count? That sounds more like the scared niño from el barrio….. Damn!

Watching the beginning of the effect of those three little words being whispered by Rollins, maybe I'm only now understanding their power.

He. Raped. Me.

I've heard it so many times over the last couple of years and it still has the power to make me queasy but…..have I ever understood it until now?

I hear it said by hurt and scared victims all the time, as they put their pain on display in the hopes of regaining some of their lost control in a plea for justice. But I hear the words when they have been long acknowledged and oft practiced. I'm not the one who watches someone struggle to begin to categorise their experience into a legal definition. Sure, I often force victims into revealing a small detail they tried to keep hidden, but I'm not the one who first hears them utter the details that make up their story and see the realization dawn that this was not an assault this was a rape. I'm the one who helps streamline the experience into a testimony that will aid the case. Like when Benson started to say she froze before reaching for her gun when Lewis broke into her apartment to attack her, I told her to leave that detail out, to not imply anything was her fault.

But I failed her. I failed, again, to hold Lewis legally accountable for his actions, this time last year. I didn't understand why Benson would baulk at him saying those words for her. I failed her again by not convicting him on every charge. After letting him walk the first time so he could kidnap her, I failed her again by not even ensuring the record accurately showed what he did to her. And my failure allowed him to escape and get her again. Even though this time there was to be no trial, his death ensuring that he escaped justice for the final time. Though relieved and happy at her assertions that yet again he didn't rape her, I wondered were the ill effects of the experience somehow diminished by this fact? I couldn't really understand the immense difference in an attempted rape or a completed rape in this particular circumstance. The degradation, sexual assault and torture of the two experiences was so all encompassing that it seemed a rather hallow victory to be celebrating that she wasn't raped. Until now…

They are so alike, these two women. Rollins and Benson are both so strong and yet so compassionate. How do they manage to maintain their sanity when they deal with such violence everyday? And now by forcing this horrible admission from Rollins, have I fundamentally changed her? Or had the rape five years ago done that? She has had her problems since joining SVU, but never have I seen her so…broken. The admission may have fractured the pieces left by the rape, beyond repair.

Is that the real power of the admission for these women? Are even they not immune to the self loathing, self blame and shame we see in every other victim? Even though they know the truth, that no victim bears any fault for their attack. Even though they understand at the most fundamental level that there is nothing to be ashamed of. We repeat these facts to every victim, that only their attacker bears any fault. They bear no shame. They did nothing to invite or encourage their assault. I learned very early on in my time with SVU that rape has very little to do with a penis penetrating a vagina. The legal definition of sodomy, a penis or object penetrating a mouth, an anus or a vagina doesn't adequately explain the crime. I learned that these are just the acts that begin the devastating chain of events that comprise a rape. It's the unwanted invasion of someone's being. It's the inability to prevent an intrusion. It's the fear. It's the betrayal of a physical body, that in an effort to protect itself from injury responds to stimulation. It's the pain of an act that should usually bring pleasure. It's the enforced intimacy that should be reserved for a chosen partner. It's the residual feelings of being somehow contaminated by the filth of the unwanted forced act. The fluids that would usually signal enjoyment translated into filthy reminders that refuse to disappear regardless of scrubbing. It's the memories of being held down and having a part or someone else pushing into you. It's the rest of their body touching you, laying on you. It's the bruises that belie the struggle to stop the invasion. It's the gnawing doubt that you should have struggled more or not worn those clothes or not gone there or it wouldn't have happened. It's the mental pain that you couldn't protect your most precious jewel, your own physical being. It's the fear of being perceived as weak. It's the fear of being perceived as having invited or encouraged it. It's the vulnerability of being naked, even partly so. It's the confusion that ravages your mind. It's the belief that somehow now you are now, less. It's the belief that you are broken. It's the difficulty in allowing anyone else to replicate any action that even resembles the forced one. It's the inability to differentiate between invited physical contact and forced contact, all touch feels like the attack. It's the understanding that people feel they can believe or not believe the violation occurred. It's the admission that by saying I was raped, that all these things are true.

But even without the admission are they any less true?

Did I only want Benson there for Rollin's outcry to save me from having to deal with it? Now I must decide whether it should remain strictly confidential or should be disclosed to the police, her colleagues. I will fight to have her be allowed to testify but surely the judge cannot allow such a prejudicial unsubstantiated witness? How will this further affect Rollins' healing? Is this tantamount to being not believed?

God how I wish Benson were here. She can always handle these things with grace and dignity. She would know what to do.

Should these women not somehow be safe from falling victim to the horrors they spend their working lives trying to prevent and deal with?

After 16 years in SVU how can Benson still find compassion for every victim as if they were the first? She would want to know how bad things were for Rollins with Patten, so she could help her. But would Rollins want to be helped?

They are so alike. And Olivia hated to be coddled after Lewis. She hated to be pitied or sympathized with. She felt weakened by Lewis' actions and couldn't see how in awe of her strength in dealing with even THIS, we all were. She hated to be even called a victim.

Stop it Rafael!

I can't let my feelings for Olivia show through. They must be hidden deep. She deserves better than the scared niño who allowed her attacker the freedom to continuously victimize her. And I can't think of her as a victim. EVER.

She is amazing. Her poise, her grace and her beauty are undeniable.

Why, Rafael, can you not just admit how you feel about her? As your abuelita always tells you, 'why can you not see that you deserve good things Rafi?'

She would be good for you. But would you be good enough for her?

And it would be a conflict of interest. You could both lose your jobs. That's if she even was interested in you. More likely she would just turn you down and then where would you be? Trying to work with her after she knew how you felt would be impossible.

No! At least this way you have her friendship.

That is more than you deserve.

God Rafi, you are still standing in this now empty courtroom mooning over a woman who is unattainable.

You need to decide what to do about Rollins.

She is the one who is hurting. She needs Olivia, her commanding officer, her friend. And if the judge allows her testimony, Olivia will be blindsided. You can't allow that. You have already failed Rollins by not knowing how to react to her admission. Your face betrayed your shock and horror at what she went through. No! What HE put her through!

You should have known what to say and do. She deserves to have Olivia in her corner. You need to put your feelings aside and call Olivia.

So I pick up the phone rubbing my hand across my face, knowing how hard this call is going to be.

"Benson"

"Sergeant, I've just finished prepping Rollins. There's something you should know….He raped her.'