TRIS

Staring at the blank ceiling has become a habit of mine. Every morning for the past 3 years I've become more fanaticised about the way the cream gets darker in some places and lighter in others. I sometimes take a glance out of the window and catch glimpses of light reflecting off of Chicago.

Home.

It's 3:30 am and I still haven't slept. Not since I found out that my mom was caught by Caleb, Christina, and Tobias. My Tobias.

Mother was on a mission to find stray people wandering outside the fence of Chicago when they found her. Well, at least that's what the Control Room people in the Bureau told me. I just hope she's safe. I can't, I won't lose her again.

After I 'died' I've tried harder and harder to forget the life I left behind. But I feel like I'm

sand next to the ocean. No matter how dry I get the water keeps flooding back. No matter how far I come to forgetting, the memories keep coming back. The memories of the calming sound of the Abnegation on the sidewalks walking in perfect harmony, of my blood sizzling on the Dauntless coals, of Wills crease between his brows whenever he spoke, of Als boulder-like body scooping me off my feet, of Christina's face when Molly beat her until she had more blood covering her body than her beautiful bronzed skin, of the way Tobias' eyes made me forget where I was and what was going on.

Tobias

I turn and press my head into the softness of the pillow, letting it embrace me until I need air. I finally give up and half drag my child-like body out of bed. I don't even realize I did it until I was over. I made the bed and was sure to perfect the edges like my father always taught me.

Every time I think of him a pang of guilt punches me like a blow to the stomach. He's alone. I'm here with my mother while he's waiting. He should be here. I trace my hand along the cool wall as I steer myself through the bare hallway into the living room. I never feel comfortable saying its mine because that will lead to me losing it. And I've already lost way too much. The apartment I live in reminds me of my old- old life in Abnegation. Bare and gray. I didn't intend it to look this way but I don't have the heart to make it homely.

I only have furniture that is necessary. A naked sofa with a grey quilt, a TV covered by a blanket of dust since it's never been used, a squat rectangular coffee table. The kitchen is as you'd expect it to be. Lifeless. A few counters, a fridge, a stove, a kettle and a table that holds four wooden chairs. I only have five rooms where I live and there all pretty small, there's a select amount of windows. I feel strange being on this side of Chicago while everyone I love is on the other. But I remind myself, like every time I do when I think of them. They left me.

But I left them first.

I was asked if I wanted to live with my mother but I thought I would be best if we both stayed alone for the time being. But that was 3 years ago.

I've been working with my mother in trying to stop the people of the fringe creating havoc and war. Once David died we took over the Bureau and make it into a good thing. We work for hours, even days with no sleep and still nothing has worked. Everyone still had hope. Except me. I lost all of that the moment David's gun went off and a river of blood flooded the flood around me. I've also gone to many lost villages and helped. I've fed the starved, cared for the sick and brought children to the adoptive agency here in the Bureau.

I sit on the hard sofa and bury my face into the quilt. Gathering its itchy fabric into my hands. Its smells of nothing. A tear I never knew was building up in my eyes, falls and darkens the fabric that's balled up in my fists.

I've never managed to get over what's happened. And I never will. But now I know I will see my family again. Even if I don't think I want to. I hate and love them at the same time. I can't forgive what they let happen to me but I do realize I did it to myself, I want to forgive them. I want to so badly. I want to wrap my arms around the tight muscles of Tobias back. Press my cheeks into his chest and hear the powerful beating of his heart. I want to laugh with Christina the way we laughed back when we were innocent, well when she was innocent, during initiation. To my surprise, I want to hear Caleb talk about things that don't matter and watch the way his eyes light up when he speaks.

I'm woken from my daze by the banging that rings through the empty apartment. I put the quilt back in its place and try to clear away the evidence that I was crying as I walk through the dark room to the door.

I don't look up to see who it is until I feel an immense pressure pull me to the ground. I feel as if I'm being attacked. But this person isn't trying to hurt me. Its hugging me. I recognize her straight away. Not from the sound of her calling my name. But of the color of her hair, that's fallen over my eyes.

Christina.

"Oh my God! Tris it's really you! You're alive!"

I don't return the hug, I just tug her hands from her neck and get up. I don't look at her but I can tell she is hurt. Instead, I look at those deep blue eyes that are so comforting. He walks to stand at least six inches away. He's not smiling but has a look of shock, happiness, and terror written all over his face. And before he can do anything else. I lose it.

I put all my weight into this single punch.