Prologue
sometimes I awaken in the early morning, gasping for breath as my mind replays the last few moments before I had killed him. he had always told me I was his special girl...that he loved me, that I was wanted...that I shouldnt tell mother because she wouldnt understand, but I know the truth now. He had lied to me for years, I hadnt been His "special girl" at all I hadnt been special at all, there were...other's and as much as I hated to admit it the knowledge made me jealous, and I hated myself for feeling that way, because I now know what he did to me, it had been so wrong...so so wrong. sometimes my nightmares refused to end, even when I wake.
I walk about (in the early hours of the morning) in a dazed state, visualising it over and over in my head (the night he had actually assulted me). Everyday I false a smile...pretending to everyone...especially Tara (Eric had been gone for two months I had no idea where he was), that im okay, but deep down I know that's not true. I barely feed, or sleep anymore, and when I do I feel...Sick every goddamn unneeded breath I take is A struggle not to choke (im alway's crying), I wonder why I fight it. Why I bother to stay alive, Perhaps even now even after my one hundred and thirty years i don't have the courage to die, Tara hasn't notieced. Yet. that im gaining weight somehow, (I didn't think vampires could, I knew it was probably a resulted curse from my run in with that fucking witch), that I cry out in the night, as she sleeps. she hasn't realised that my nocturnal screams are the only sounds of truth I've uttered for...well the past hundred years.
It doesnt bother me now. I have to much emotion invested in the Past to care much for the present. It is nearly 6 o' clock in the morning, and dawn is approaching fast, I struggle to remain awake attempting to exhaust myself ( despite the bleeds) so that no dreams will come. I havent managed to make it to that point, though I have gone many days without sleep, I wish with all my heart for Eric's return, he makes everything better...makes it all go away and despite the defences we've had recently, his very prescence makes me forget all about the empty gaping void of depression I've been feeling everyday for the past two months.
but I of all people know for I can sense that he does not want to see me, he still hasnt forgiven me for my actions against Sookie a mere two months ago,( but she had been fine), I just...I wanted him back...the old him, before sookie before sylvie before anything when it had just been the two of us, I knew he would never forgive me and I didnt blame him I didnt deserve forgivness I could have taken the love of his life away from him, and for what? for my own selfish needs, because I did not want to be left alone like I always was,well Look how that had worked out for me, yeah I had Tara but she, couldnt and never would replace him.
I can feel myself slipping now, and sleep is taking over the nightmare is coming tonight, it is not about Harry, tonight my dreams take me to some time after his long rotted. Eric my maker looks at me straight in the eyes, and gives me what i now long for (making his threat reality). the pain was burning and fierce, no one could have avoided feeling it. I didnt understand then but now it's too late. i do. now i want another chance to take my punishment as I know I shoud. know I deserve not just for sookie but for uncle harry too. but even in my dreams im not capable. I manage to wake myself with my own screaming, and I am infuriated with myself. finally i allow my own self loathing to take control. I don't need this anymore. it doesnt matter if death is too good for me Im too weak to fight anymore.
I make my way out of the office and into the bar, leaving the dirty wine and pint glasses where they are, I clean the glasses often enough. Tara could do it. I know where the silver knives are kept, and i wonder whether a vampire could bleed to death? (worth a shot) I search behind the bottles finding a small box, then opening it up . reaching carefully for the one I know is sharpest (not that it matters) it' s silver blade glimmering despite the darkness of fangtasia. an intense relief flows through me and im glad the agonising pain known as my immortal life will all be over. no more nightmares. a peaceful days sleep for once. I'll never have to look at the moon again, or the faces of people who think they love and care about me (jess, Tara,).
If they knew who I was inside if they knew of my past what I had been through with harry, my hate for Sookie they would think me disgusting they would hate me. I know it. None of them would ever find out. there is a slight smile on my face as i dig the knife deeply down my arm (as i had done over one hundreed years ago) .
One long line of red liquid flows forth, I break a glass vamp speed then sticking one of the shards into my arm in order to stop it healing up. I smile at the colness of it pouring over my arm. I grip the silver knife tightley in my other hand despite the horrid burns it was dishing out, pausing to admire the beauty of my self inflicted wound before continuing. as I begin to press the knife into the next arm, I feel the knife slip out of my fingers. though I try to hold on, it flies away into the grasp of someone I cant quite make out in the darkness (my subconscious knows it's Tara but my body screams intruder however i am too weak to fight back) I try to yell at them to get my knife back and finish the job, but I cannot even do that, I've lost to much blood and I slip out of consiousness, cursing at my own weakness.
want more? let me know and I'll continue there will defo be an update asap i wont quit! xx P.S THIS IS MY FIRST FIC SO PLEASE ALLOW ME IF ITS CRAP LOL XX also based on another fic x i read and loved x
