I watched my hands, and the imminent blood that flooded, I lost control again tonight. I swallowed as I raised my head to face the bartender, he was a complete stranger and his worried face started to sicken me 'pick a lowest place next time', I said to myself as I turned my hands into fists.

-Well, that is enough buddy -Elliot's voice came from behind me as he grabbed my shoulder. I made a harsh move to brush his hand off. Don't touch me.

-Go -my voice sounded raspy and lame. I was a train wreck, I didn't mind to crash for good this time.

-Mom is...

-Worried about me -I spited out before I swallowed down the cheap whiskey the bartender handed me.

-We all are, Christian -he reached again but I backed down.

-Go back to Kate -I said while turning my back on him.

-At least let me get you across the street so they can check your hands -he insisted and I let out a sigh.

Everything seemed out of focus. The world was slow and monotonous, why did he care? They should give up by now, let me have my scape. I closed my eyes for a minute.

I woke up on a ER. The Grey Sloan Memorial ER. I sit straight as I watched my brother with fuming eyes. Grace better not be here.

-You fucking idiot I told you not to... -I begun to say as I stood up on my feet.

-Christian wait...

-I don't need your pity -I glared grabbing my jacket.

-Gentlemen -a blonde doctor greeted, the young resident by her side watched at my hands and as he took a step forward I took three back. Don't.

-I've got this -she said waving off the kid with big glasses. Elliot stood there watching her.

-Go to Kate -I said again starting to walk towards the exit. -And don't tell Grace. I'll tell Mrs Jones to help me out.

-Oh no, you're not going anywhere -the blonde insisted firmly.

I stoped. I fought my will to obey her voice. That voice touched something inside my throat, and that made me angry.

-I'll go home and keep my mouth shut, but please stay here and let her help you -Elliot negotiated and I turned around. -If you go I'll call mom, or Mia.

I stood there weighting my options while people started to pay more attention to us. I looked at one of the walls and took off my jacket as I walked back to sit on the ER bed.

He left and the doctor closed the curtains to give me some privacy. I sat on the bed and waited as she prepped everything. When she sat in front of me I really watched her for the first time, impossible blue eyes started back at me.

As blue as the Circassian sea, and I felt like I cloud drown on them. She was stuck on my throat, expanding on my chest. I broke visual contact and I began to observe how she carefully worked on my right hand without really touching me. I relaxed immediately. Thank you.

-I'm Meredith Grey -she said with a quiet voice, carefully stitching me up, I liked her already.

I laughed at the irony.

-Dr. Grey, I'm Christian -I smiled at her without even realising this was he first time in years I really did that genuinely.

-That I read on your chart Mr. Grey -she smiled back.

Her kind face made my breath stop. Her words made me want to run. I was there Frozen when I deserved to burn as Anastasia did years ago. The darkness crept back covering it all, 'I don't deserve her kind face and warm smile'.

-I would pretty much like to go now...

Her smile faded as I quickly evaded her. 'I have to get away now'. I dropped a couple of hundreds on the ER desk station and got away as fast as I could.