I flash a smile as the bartender checks my ID. The blond in the photo is me but that is the only truth on the whole card. I am not a twenty two year old college student from Iowa. I do not live on Cedar Street in the quaint town of Iowa City. I feel a flutter at the thought of Hank catching me using this ID. He flat out asked me if I had a fake ID a while ago when he busted an ID ring at an area school. I know that if Hank catches me drinking he will be rid of me for sure. All I do is cause trouble. I am sure not worth all that Hank has done for me over the past few years. I have gotten written up twice now, well, three including the write up I got today for arguing with my CO and I have only been on patrol a few months. He said he was tired of me getting into trouble. He said he was sick of having to bail me out. I know that he is really just sick of me. He doesn't owe me anything. I don't know why he hasn't kicked me out by now. When Hank took me in when I was fourteen, I was a mess. I know that I am so much better off because of him. I don't mean to be so much trouble, mostly it just sorta happens. Maybe that's just me. Maybe I am too much trouble for anyone to deal with. I am lost in my thoughts staring at the shot of vodka in front of me. With a sigh, I lift the glass to my lips and swallow the burning liquid.
"Erin, you are completely out of control." Hank's voice whispers in my ear. Damn, I didn't even hear him walk up behind me. Hank is even scarier than normal when he gets quiet. I cant seem to find a balance between my newfound freedom as an adult and the confining rules of being Hank Voight's only daughter. Even if he isn't my father by blood this man has been the only real parent I have ever known. I am nineteen years old and sitting at a bar drinking shots of vodka with a fake ID. I am surprised Hank hasn't caught me using it before now. It's only eleven and my curfew isn't for another hour. Why is Hank here and how did he find me? I turned my phone off hours ago.
I look up at his frowning face and realize that he is serious. Very serious. Oh, boy, the last time Hank was this furious with me things did not end well. My thoughts are interrupted as Hank's large hand wraps around my upper arm and pulls me to my feet. Dragging me to his car, he is eerily silent. I only had one shot before Hank showed up and I am not even buzzed. Unfortunately I am going to remember every bit of the conversation that I know we will be having when we get back home. Ugh, the last time I was in this much trouble was when I snuck out of the house one night in high school and Justin decided to follow me. I hadn't been able to sit down for a week then I am pretty sure illegal drinking and using a fake ID is much worse on Hank's list of no-no's than sneaking out of the house with my twelve year old brother. But that night, when Hank caught us sneaking back in, I had thought for sure he would get rid of me. I mean, Justin was his real kid and I wasn't. But he hadn't sent me away then. And as much as I hate facing an angry Hank Voight I pray that he doesn't send me away now.
I can't even get out of the car before Hank's fingers are gripping my arm again from the open space where the car door had just been. I try to shake my arm away from him but his grasp is strong. What does he think I am going to do, run away? I start to smart off to him but bite my words as his eyes bore into me. As much as I hate Hank's rules and how over-protective he is, secretly, I love knowing that someone actually cares about me and is willing to follow through on something. I say that in theory. In all actuality, I am not looking forward to this at all. Maybe, just maybe he could care a little less. As soon as the thought forms in my mind I regret it. I don't mean that. I can't imagine the pain I would feel if Hank decides I am too much trouble. I remember what a mess my life was before Hank took me in. I never want to end up back on the streets again.
I perch myself on the arm of the couch and wait for the lecture to begin. I keep a scowl plastered on my face but I already feel the pit of guilt knotting up in my stomach. I hate disappointing Hank. If it wasn't for him, I would be wasted away on a street corner somewhere. I think if I mess up bad enough eventually he will get tired of me and send me away. I hope he doesn't this time. I don't want to leave. I like being a part of this family.
"What in the hell were you thinking?" His voice rings through my head. "You were supposed to be home by seven tonight!"
"That's not my curfew!" I yell, why did I have to be home at seven? I don't remember having anything planned. Obviously, I should remember something if the look on Hank's face is any indication. He is even more furious now. I should have kept my mouth shut. That was one lesson I learned early on in this house, do not argue with Hank.
"You were supposed to be here at seven so we could go to your brother's sports banquet." I don't hear anything else Hank says. I instantly feel bad for Justin. How had I forgotten? I promised him I would be there.
"Hank, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to let Justin down. Please, I have to talk to him." I plead.
"He went over to Ricky's house to stay the night. You can talk to him tomorrow when he gets home. Now we need to finishing talking about your poor judgement this evening. Care to tell me which rules you broke this evening, Erin?" No, not really. I think before shaking the thought from my mind.
"I didn't miss curfew." I say defiantly, crossing my arms and daring to look him in the eye. I hate this part of this conversation. Hank always makes us admit the rules we broke and it sucks. I don't know how I find the bravery to be so stubborn.
"Quit being a smart ass, Erin. I asked which rules you broke, not which ones you didn't."
"Fine." I sigh, "I was drinking." I resist the urge to roll my eyes, knowing it will probably set Hank off again.
"Is that it?" He asks, mirroring my stance by crossing his own arms. I can tell he is fighting to keep his cool. The hitch in his voice at the end of that short sentence warns me to watch it. Unfortunately I tend to be a little hard headed when it comes to controlling my temper.
"Yep." I say, instantly regretting it. His look says it all. The anger and the disappointment.
"You lied to me, Erin. You said you were going to be here and you weren't. You brother was looking forward to you being there. I had no idea where you were. You could have been hurt! You turned your phone off! For God's sake, Justin cared more about you being there than me. Not to mention that you told me the last time I caught you drinking that you did not have a fake ID. So unless that ID magically appeared in your possession in the past month, you lied to me then. You put yourself in danger of loosing your job and even going to jail for underage drinking. So why don't we try this again. Which one of our family rules did you break?"
"Family? I am not a part of the real family. Justin is your real kid. Not me. I am just waiting for you to get tired of me and send me away. I…I…" I erupt with emotion and fight back the tears that threaten to escape. I think these words every time Hank says the word family. Every time over the past five years these words dance in my head but never have I said them aloud until now. I watch as an unreadable emotion flashes across his face.
"Erin, You are family. I have raised you and given you every opportunity to succeed in life. I have tried to be a father to you, Erin." Hank says gently.
"You are the only parent I have ever had." I admit, tears escaping with each word. "Bunny was never a parent. But I always mess up! I don't deserve to be in this family. I don't deserve to be your kid."
I feel Hank invade my personal space and grab my upper arms again, this time with both hands. He pulls me up to a stand and he sits down on the coffee table so that my eyes are just an inch higher than his own.
"Erin, look at me." He says, his voice deep, gruff, and full of emotion. "I love you, kid. You are a pain in the ass. You are stubborn and hard headed just like me. I get pissed when you blow off the rules and you know damn well that there will be consequences, but if you are trying to see how much acting out it will take for me to get rid of you, you are in for a long life of consequences. You are part of this family, Erin. You aren't going anywhere. I will never be tired of you or send you away. But believe me, you will be punished every time you break the rules. You know the rules, Erin. Don't lie, cheat, or steal. Don't put yourself in danger. Thats all I ask of you."
I hear what he is saying but my heart can't let the words sink in. He can't mean it. I shake my head. I realize that he is still holding onto my arms. I try to pull away but he doesn't let me.
"Erin, do you understand. I will not ever send you away."
"But you threatened to send Justin away to military school!" I don't know what is wrong with me but for some reason all of this pent up anger is causing me to be far more emotional than usual. I am never emotional like this. I am usually cool and collected. Maybe I am tired, maybe I have been holding this in for far too long, but whatever the reason my emotions are running away with me tonight. I let go of the tears and dissolve into Hank's arms.
"Erin, you and Justin are very different kids. I parent you very different than I parent him. You will behave to avoid a spanking, but Justin would take a spanking every day and still do whatever he wants. Every kid is different, Erin. That's the beauty of being a parent. What works for you is how I am going to parent you. And I don't care whether you are nine, nineteen, or thirty nine. If you act out, I will notice and there will be consequences. Understand?"
I nod. "I'm sorry."
"Yea. I know, kid." Hank says, hugging me tighter. He holds me for a few minutes and then pulls away. I sit back down on the arm of the couch and wipe my face on the sleeve of my hoodie. Hank takes a deep breath and says, "So lets try this again. What rules did you break tonight, Erin?"
"I lied about the ID, underage drinking, missing Justin's banquet." I say, ticking off mental fingers as I list my offenses. "That about covers it."
"Hmm…" Hank says, crossing his arms. "Are you sure?"
I bite my lip. "Yes." I say, not sounding nearly as sure as I am trying to convince him I am.
"Did anything happen on shift today that I need to know about." Hank's voice tells me that he already knows. His arms crossed and his glare fixed on me dares me to try to lie again.
"No, nothing that you need to worry about, Hank." I say, knowing I am playing with fire here. Surely he doesn't already know. I thought I would at least have a few days before he found out.
"I beg to differ. A little birdie told me that you got written up today for that smart mouth of yours."
I don't even try to deny it. There is no way to spin this in my favor. I was pissed and hadn't been able to control my temper or my tongue. I nod. Hank nods in reply and points upstairs.
"Go. I will be up in a few minutes." Hank dismisses me and I drag myself up to my room. I hate waiting. I wish he would just punish me and get it over with. Maybe he could ground me this time? I have been grounded only once. Hank caught me sneaking out and that was the end of the grounding as punishments. I don't want a spanking. But I don't want him to kick me out either.
I sit down on my bed and run my hands through my hair. I cant believe I keep screwing up. I cant believe Hank still wants me here. And now he knows I pissed off Captain Lewis at the station today and I know he is pretty upset about that. I wont ever make detective if I keep marking my record like this. Ever since Hank took me in I have wanted to be a cop like him. I don't know if I will ever be able to tell him how much I appreciate all he has done for me. I bite my lip as I hear his heavy footsteps on the staircase.
Hank knocks once on my door and opens it. In a few seconds he is across the room and sitting down next to me on my bed.
"How long are we going to keep this up before you get your head on straight, kid?" He asks softly.
"I don't know." I shrug. "I have trouble controlling my temper."
"I know, but you gotta try a little harder. And I meant you acting out to get my attention." He says, patting my shoulder.
"I know. Im sorry. It helps now, knowing you wont send me away. Although, I am not sure I can really believe it."
"Well, believe it, because you aren't going anywhere. Now, you are officially grounded for the next two weeks. No tv, no computer, no going anywhere except for work. You are going to do some serious soul-searching and figure out what we can do differently so you can stop acting out."
"You can't ground me! I am nineteen years old! I am an adult." I shout. Jumping to my feet.
"I can. You are grounded. And you start acting like an adult and I will treat you like one. End of discussion on that one. My house, my family, my rules. Now, onto the lying. You know that lying is unacceptable in this family. You lied to me about the ID, you lied about where you were tonight when you shut off your phone, and you lied to your brother. Whether they were intentional or not they were all lies. You are only as good as your word, Erin. The lying has to stop." I try to take a step back out of his reach but I am not fast enough. Before I can even take a single step, Hank reaches out and pulls me to him and tips me over his lap. I fight him but I know its no use. Hank is strong and anything I try I know Justin has probably already tried in the past. Hank is an expert at discipline. I am still wriggling in his grasp when I yelp at the first swat. His hands are large and begin to quickly make a point on my backside. Within a minute I am a sobbing mess and I swear over and over that I will never lie again. Well, at least I will never lie to Hank Voight ever again. After what seems like hours, Hank stands me up and pulls me into a hug. I glance at my clock and realize that Hank hasn't even been in my room for five minutes. Why does it feel like so much longer? I try to stop the tears but my sobs are too strong. Finally, I give in and relax into Hank's hug. I hate being punished but I love the hugs afterward. Hank holds me until my sobs quiet down. He rubs soothing circles on my back until I am finally breathing normally.
"I love you, kid. Please try to tone it down a bit, okay?" He says, standing me up and lifting up the covers so I can climb into bed.
"Hank." I say softly, rolling over onto my side. "Thank you for not sending me away."
He smiles and places a kiss on top of my hair. "Just try to stay out of trouble, okay? I will see you in the morning. Goodnight, kid."
"Goodnight, Hank" I say, already closing my eyes.
