[[[AN: This story takes place after the Grim Grotto, and assumes some slight changes so that the Baudelaires get into a taxi with Mr Poe after that book. I can't promise that it's totally free of spoilers, but I've tried to make it so. Certainly nothing from the last two books. I'm going to post a new chapter every two or three weeks, it's mostly written (or at least drafted) but I am more than happy to incorporate feedback :) ]]]

There is a lot of fan fiction on the internet much more pleasant than this one. As such, I am duty-bound to suggest that you immediately close this browser window and shift your attention to something less demoralising, such as an alternative website or - should you be lucky enough to have any - to your friends, family and loved ones. What follows is the treacherous tale of the Baudelaire orphans' experiences in several unpleasant situations, which I'm sorry to say include artificial weather, mirrors, a roll of celluloid and a deck of playing cards. Decks of playing cards are not generally considered unpleasant, unless somebody is brandishing them at you in an unpleasant way because you are threatening to escape out the window of a vegetarian restaurant. However, this particular deck of playing cards was - and as far as my research has revealed still is - missing the three of diamonds. As everybody knows, one of the few card games which can be played without the three of diamonds is a dreadfully boring game called Five Hundred, in which players divide into bickering couples in order to score worthless points at the expense of the other players.

Unlike card games, where opponents will agree on a number of rules before beginning the game, in reality adversaries are likely to disagree on almost everything, especially the rules of behaviour. Therefore the card game 500 - or any other card game, for that matter - is likely to constitute very poor preparation for the outside world.

For example, in the contest for control of the famous Baudelaire fortune, Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire would very much have liked to agree on several rules with their adversary, the wicked Count Olaf. Chief among these rules would have been no arson, no murder, and no nefarious disguises - a phrase which here means "disguises which are unpleasant to look at and deceive guardians into believing that Count Olaf is somebody much more benign", and 'benign' is a word which here means "unlikely to attempt to steal the Baudelaire Fortune". If the Baudelaire's adversary had been following those rules Count Olaf would never have set fire to a hospital, murdered several of the Baudelaire's guardians, or disguised himself as many unpleasant individuals.

However, the longer this contest escalated - a word which here means "became much worse due to the boundless nature of Olaf's treachery" - the Baudelaires found themselves increasingly playing the game by Olaf's rules, a phrase which here means "engaging in their own treacherous acts, such as tricking a librarian and setting fire to a tent". The fact that the Baudelaires were forced to do these things after being put in terrible situations by Count Olaf did little to assuage the guilt of the three orphans. "Assuage" is a word which here means "making an unpleasant feeling less intense", and I'm sorry to say that this is the last time in this volume that I shall use the word, because like all the unpleasant feeling that the Baudelaires are unlucky enough to experience, their feelings of guilt do not become less intense as this story progresses.

The Baudelaire siblings looked grimly at one another as the taxi dropped them at the house of their newest guardian. Before they could open the door, the round face of Mr Poe the banker, the man who had been in charge of appointing guardians to look after the Baudelaire orphans turned and addressed them from the front seat.

"Now children, this is the house of your newest guardian, Mr A. S. Conflegro - "

"Conflegro!" exclaimed Klaus, "that sounds like conflagration, which is another word for fire!" and the three Baudelaires looked fearfully at each other, remembering the various fires which had played such terrible roles in their lives.

"I think it sounds rather more like 'flamingo', which is much more pleasant, and everybody knows that flamingoes are rarely seen around fires. In any case children, please remember to be on your best behaviour. It has been very difficult to find a new guardian for you children, despite the Daily Punctilio's retraction of their accusations against you for which you should be very grateful."

"But we have been on our best behaviour with all of our new guardians, and that hasn't stopped Count Olaf from turning up," said Violet.

"And the Daily Punctilio retracted the accusations because they were false," said Klaus

"Kalish", said Sunny, but before her siblings could explain to Mr Poe that she meant "the Daily Punctilio should be grateful to us that we aren't suing them for all the distress they've caused", Mr Poe coughed and interrupted.

"Yes yes, but remember children, there's no use crying over spilt milk," he said definitively, as if this entirely resolved the disagreement.

So without argument, the Baudelaires surveyed their new home, glancing at each other when they noticed the ominous facade of the house - a phrase which here means "the lack of any windows on the ground floor". The house was two stories, scarcely unusual in the wealthy part of town in which Mr Conflegro lived, but only the upper floor had windows. It looked as if Mr Conflegro lived on top of an aboveground basement.

"The lack of windows on the ground floor makes it seem that Mr Conflegro lives on top of an aboveground basement," muttered Violet.

"I concur," agreed Klaus, using a fancy word for "agree".

"Pulsno!" exclaimed Sunny, which meant something along the lines of "I hope it's not a dungeon where we might find ourselves trapped!"

Silently, the three Baudelaires recalled the terrifying tower in which Sunny had been imprisoned while Violet was almost forced to marry Count Olaf and hoped that they never again found themselves in such a precarious position - a phrase which here means 'in a cage, dangling from the top of a tall tower'.

Mr Poe coughed into his hankerchief. "Don't be silly, there are many types of rooms which never have windows, like libraries, laboratories, or kitchens. I'm sure that Mr Conflegro simply lives above some perfectly harmless rooms like those."

"But Aunt Josephine's library had a huge window," said Klaus.

"So did Uncle Monty's reptile laboratory," said Violet.

"Homspo," said Sunny sadly, meaning that the Baudelaire kitchen had several windows which were all melted in the fire that destroyed their home and killed their parents.

"I don't have time to be arguing with children about interior design," said Mr Poe with a cough, as he climbed up the stairs and knocked timidly on the door. As the three siblings hurried up the stairs to join him, they heard the sound of footsteps approaching. The sound of footsteps approaching can evoke a range of emotions - a phrase which here means "make one happy or sad, depending on the situation". For example, if one were to be trapped in a very well lit drawing room, the sound of footsteps approaching could be a disguised associate bringing a letter containing instructions on how to fashion a makeshift rope with which to escape through the window, or it could be a villainous butler bringing you poisoned ham soup. As the Baudelaires huddled together outside the front door of Mr Conflegro's house, they wondered what sort of person the footsteps were carrying. I'm sorry to tell you, dear reader, that even after the door opened to reveal a tall, formal looking man wearing a very clean suit, the Baudelaires would continue to wonder what kind of person the footsteps had brought them for a very long time.