Summary: He's always smiling. And that infuriates me.
envy
I often wonder if he'll still treat me as his friend if he learns what I think about him?
He's always smiling.
Even when there's nothing to laugh about he's still grinning.
And it's infuriating.
He's always ready to help anyone, even the ones he doesn't even know. Then he ends up being taken advantage of, obviously.
Is he that stupid not to notice that?
I lost count on how many times I said the truth to him—that no one really appreciates what he do—but he still does it no matter what. He even tries to do it behind my back but I still catch him, doing the same thing all over again.
He's really dumb.
Why is he like that? Why bother help the people who's not grateful? When he wouldn't get anything in return? It keeps on repeating on and on. He must stop being like that.
But he's hardheaded.
Being naive like that will not help him survive in this cruel world. He's making a big mistake if he thinks that all people are kind, that they will all understand, that they will also help him. No one is like that at all. No one would appreciate what he's doing.
He'll just get tired for nothing.
Then he'll say his problems to me—that his mom and dad are separated, that his mom's working too hard to make him finish his studies. That fact erased some of my doubts about him. He's still a human. He even experience problems similar to mine. But you know what's the worst?
He still manages to smile.
I've done my best to help him realize that he doesn't have to put on a mask.
But he only smiles every time in response.
One time, he sees me talking with my other friends. Smiling, laughing, basically having fun in their company. Do you know what he said about that?
"You've always been too cruel to me, Roxas. But you seem fine with them."
It's like someone inserted a sword in my chest and twisted it for a couple of times. I can see what'll happen next. Our friendship will shatter. He won't go near me again just like those people who hates my guts. He's not gonna endure my attitude anymore. But then he says,
"Now I feel special. After all, I'm the only one who gets scolded by you. Thanks, I guess."
The future that I thought would happen disappears in my head. But guilt crawls its way to my heart, making me realize why it mattered to me. I knew what was bothering me from the start.
I'm envious.
Envious on how he can face the world with a carefree smile when I can't. I tried to smile but it doesn't come out as genuine unlike his. It doesn't even lift my burdens and problems. There's no real happiness in my mind.
Everything is a lie.
But I'm not sure how to tell it to him—the truth, my secret. But I guess it's okay like this. Maybe I can hope that what he said is really what I am feeling. I do want him to be happy after all. So I let out a smile and hopes that it's as natural as possible.
"Nah. You just really infuriating."
Years after that, our friendship did grow like that of a tree, the stems that was shallow in its early life is now deeply rooted to the earth. Strong and still even as several seasons passed.
"What! You're joking right? Hey, Roxas?!"
notes: I hope it's not bad. Forgive my grammar but I'll love it if you'll correct me. Thanks for reading. ^^
05/27/17
