I hate you.

I'm angry at you.

Why'd you have to go and die? I know it isn't your fault, and I know that there are plenty of kids that don't have a Dad. They'd probably go and say that I should grow up, take care of Mom and stop your sniffling. The thing is. I do. Mom's been pretty bad lately. I guess we're two peas in a pod then, darkened rooms and sad music.

She hasn't eaten either; didn't even notice one beer was gone. Just got some water and left to go back to the kitchen. Her friends have been here, brought over food and stuff. But, I'm mad that you left us. Mom isn't anything without you. She isn't happy any more; she doesn't go to her bridge nights or dancing classes.

I love you. I want you to come back. I want you to hold me and Mom and tell us everything is all right. But now, that's my job. I have to be the man of the house, I can't even tell the bullies to bugger off, and how am I supposed to be like you? How am I supposed to graduate and go to college when I'm not sure how Mom's doing?

She was contemplating a knife the other day. What's worse is the fact that I had to hide the carving set. Mom was going crazy, talking to….people that she couldn't see. It was a good thing that I hid the knife set; Mom started throwing plates and glasses. Some cut me, when she saw me bleeding there in the hallway – she went pale and went back to her bedroom.

I wish I could do that, but I can't. Because I gotta be you.

Now I'm getting lectures about going to the Academy and becoming the best beat cop around and…I don't want too. I'm afraid I'll be next. I'm afraid I'm gonna walk into a dinner and get shot because I gotta take a piss.

I'm afraid of leaving whatever family I might have. I don't wanna leave my wife or kids like you did. I want to be a better father, I want to live. I want to play ball with my boy. I want to follow my daughter to her prom night and make sure the boy she's with doesn't do anything stupid. I'm totally prepared to walk in there and drag her out if I have too. I want to see my grandkids.

You won't be able to see my kids. You won't be there because your dead!

Nothing I do will bring you back!

So, yeah, I hate you, and I love you…and right now….I just wish you were here!