Yes, this is a Mary-Jane fic, just something I thought up while making up a story-line for myself to get into House. I hope you enjoy it anyway; I had a ton of fun writing it. I'm actually going to take the challenge of working something in for all fangirls/guys without tumbling completely out of character. I hope you like it! And by the way, I live in NJ (about 15 minutes from Pinceton), so everywhere I talk about is real.


House smirked at Cuddy, the two of them locked into a Mexican standoff. She was obviously not enjoying the showdown as much as he was.

"Four clinic hours, House!" she snarled.

"Two," he replied.

"Four! Four, or I'll tell the whole hospital you've confessed your undying love for Wilson!" Cuddy snapped. She blinked, as if surprised she was sinking to his level. House made a big show of acting scared.

"Like I care- it might get me more ladies! You know they love the chance that "just the right girl" may turn around the handsome gay man!" he proclaimed grandly.

"But Wilson will be upset by it and make your life a living hell!" Cuddy countered. House seemed to consider that when a young woman poked her head through the door. She was Asian, somewhere in her late twenties, and wearing nurse's scrubs under a mustard colored canvas jacket. House gave her a toothy grin.

"Dr. Cuddy, I'm sorry, but everyone said I should see you," she said quietly.

"Oh, an Asian girl in a yellow jacket; this is too much material!" House guffawed. The girl didn't glare at him like he had expected, but frowned as if she was simply considering what he'd said.

"Dr. Cuddy, there's a tall, skinny, ugly psychotic man in your office. Did I walk into Phantom of the Opera?" she asked. House's eyebrows went up, just a touch, "Phantom, I thought you dropped dead after no women would have sex with you. Looks like you're still out of luck." Cuddy tried to hide a snort of laughter. House's eyebrows went up further.

"Now, I hear that chink women have no breasts," he said, rising. He heard Cuddy let out a surprised squeak behind him.

"Oh, if we're matching racial slurs, what's the slur for asshole?" the girl asked. She was remaining very calm. Hmmm…

"We're a whole race?"

"Well, if you're the only one, I can definitely see why."

"I still want to see the breasts. Just to gather scientific data." House saw Cuddy rising from her chair out of the corner of his eyes as he advanced on the girl. Instead of retreating from him, she took another step forwards.

"Well, now, that would be sexual harassment. Should I ask to see balls on a bitch for scientific data so we're even?" she asked evenly. She didn't even raise her voice. Cuddy stepped between them.

"Dr. House, this is Julia Ashe, she's the head nurse assigned to your team," she interjected.

"What? I get my own harem?" House exclaimed, clapping his hands in mock joy. Julia opened her mouth to counter, but Cuddy held up a hand to stop her.

"No! But you've chased off most of our nurses, particularly two head nurses," Cuddy answered sharply, " Therefore, I went and assigned one head nurse to your team and she takes the heat from you and organizes nurses as needed by your patients. It's not necessarily a whole cadre of nurses to yourself. I hired Julie because she's almost as abrasive as you are and I know she can take your crap." House's eyes flickered to the girl. He gave her a mean smile and she gave him a little smile that reminded him of a cat who'd just seen a really interesting butterfly…just before eating it.

"I've been told you can tell everything about a person by just looking at them. What can you tell about me?" Julia asked. House gave her a scan with his eyes, purposefully letting his eyes rest longer than necessary on her chest.

"You've got the rest of whatever time I'm here to look at those; answer my question, Phantom," she snapped.

"You're Korean, although I can't tell if you're full-blooded; you're close, though. Since I don't see a wedding ring, and your last name is Ashe instead of something like Chun or Yan, I'm going to guess you're either divorced or adopted. You're standing in a bastardized 4th position ballet stance, with rather good turn-out, so I'm guessing you were once a dancer; since I know they try to evenly distribute their weight between their feet and you're favoring your right, I'm led to believe you left that because of injury, though I haven't decided if it was your ankle, knee, or hip. You're also a little curvy for a dancer, as you have breasts for me to ogle, so I'm also going to guess this was some time ago. You look like you sleep at night, so I'm going to say no kids; you've got some calluses on your fingers, and I'm going to say cello, rather than violin because you seem like you'd want to stay just a tad outside the stereotype; and you have a scar on your temple I haven't figured out yet, but give me time," spewed out of House's mouth. Julie gave him a quick smile.

"I play guitar, but otherwise good job," she said.

"Julia, please wait outside for a second. Dr. House will show you to his office," Cuddy said. Julia nodded and left. House watched her go.

"Fill her in, introduce her to the team and get her pager number," Cuddy said.

"I think I'm in love," House muttered, ignoring her.

"Oh no, I was hoping you'd hate her guts!" Cuddy whined sarcastically.

"I do, that's why I think I'm in love," House replied.

"Kindred spirits, how cute! Between the two of you, you'll drive Wilson to suicide," Cuddy said.

"Mmm, probably. Wilson doesn't have the constitution for Asians," House mumbled.

"I wanted to kill her twice during her interview and the only you've done that before," Cuddy said, watching House watching Julia, "I thought maybe this would be good for you; someone who not only can take your crap, but sling it back. Maybe you'll use up enough energy antagonizing her to leave the other nurses alone."

"What fun is that?" House asked, hobbling out the door.

"She's not all yours, House!" Cuddy yelled after him. House waved a hand over his shoulder. Cuddy smiled. Julia was a transfer from Hunterdon Medical Center, who'd surprised Cuddy with her mildly acerbic attitude. Hopefully, she could act as a buffer for House's antics before another nurse quit on them. Not only that, but it was kind of fun to see someone roll with House's crap. She actually seemed to bother House. She couldn't wait until Wilson ran into the two of them. Or for that matter, Cameron.


Julia was standing by the door as House came out of Cuddy's office. As he passed, he grabbed her elbow and roughly began dragging her through the hospital.

"If you're going to drag me, at least make yourself look like a bigger jerk and either squeeze the pressure point, or drag me off balance," she muttered. House lifted his arm a bit higher. Her body titled and she stumbled. He noticed that, as hard as he was squeezing, she didn't try to break his grip or pull away.

"You're my nurse and I get to treat you how I want, understand?" he said with a smile.

"Ooh, if I'm bad am I getting a spanking, oh mistress of pain?" Julia asked. He jerked her arm forward at an awkward angle and she stumbled again and let out a surprised cry of pain. He dragged her, attracting attention like a magnet, all the way to his office. He threw her inside and shoved her into a chair.

"Satisfied with your attempt to display your manliness?" she asked as she settled into the chair.

"Oh, now, be good or I'll have to be really mean! We're talking the lash!" House replied.

"Nice. Now, do you actually want my pager or are you more comfortable just saying you lost it so you can run around the hospital looking for me?" she asked. House smiled.

"Fabulous idea! I always knew Asians were smart!" he quipped. She rewarded him with a smile that was oddly beautiful. As he stared at her, Cameron, Chase, and Foreman entered, Chase's eyes immediately darting to Julia.

"Knock it off, Aussie! She's mine. Unless you think you can lure her away from me with your incredibly sexy knowledge of bloomin' onions," House snarled. Chase actually took a step back, his face flushing. House noticed with odd satisfaction that Cameron bristled, though she was obviously trying to hide it.

"This is Julie, the new resident slave-nurse. I apparently am so charming that the other nurses feared for their virtue and refused to work with me," House explained. Foreman smiled and shook her hand.

"We have our own nurse?" he asked House curiously.

"Not exactly. Evidently, she's just a kind of liason to the nurses. She can take my crap, as Cuddy put it," House answered. "Julie, this is Wombat, Tinkerbell, and GTA San Andreas."

"Call me Julie again and I'll do things to you with that cane you didn't know were anatomically possible," Julia said sweetly. Chase let out a bark of laughter and Foreman hid his face. Cameron, however, had fixed her with an icy stare. House wondered if her back would arch and her hair would puff out if he kept going.

"Patient presents with severe back pain, fever, and headache. Mild difficulty breathing and a "restrained" feeling also present. All tests seem normal," she said, shortly, tossing a folder onto House's desk. Julie stood, giving Cameron a soft smile.

"It got real chilly in here all of a sudden. Don't worry," she glanced at Cameron's nametag, "Cameron, I don't go after hermaphrodites," she said, patting Cameron's shoulder and shooting House an evil smile as she left.

"I didn't think it was possible to meet someone more awful than you," Cameron muttered, replacing Julia in the chair. House grinned at her.

"I know. Makes me seem like an angel, doesn't it?" he said. She rolled her eyes.

"If you're an angel, I think I'd rather go to hell," Foreman mumbled.

"Why don't you get started on your way, Foreman?" House asked. He settled back into his chair, staring at the door Julia had just left through. This was going to be so much fun!


House stood, just inside the door, staring out to his left. Behind him, his team was droning on about what could possibly be causing the symptoms presented in the newest sick person. Chase was the first to notice House's behavior.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Fishing," House replied. He suddenly tensed and shot his arm out into the hallway. There was a sudden squeal of shock and pain, as House withdrew his arm, dragging a struggling Julia by her ponytail.

"Caught one!" he announced. As he went to drag the struggling nurse further into the room, her foot shot out and swept his cane out from under him. He crashed to the floor and she snatched the cane away.

"So did I," she said, breezing out of the room, taking his cane with her. House stared at her through the window, stunned. Chase and Foreman were quietly chuckling and even Cameron cracked a smile. House rubbed his knee where he'd landed on it thoughtfully. He'd have to try harder- this girl was a challenge, but he was determined to crack her cool…