Disclaimer: I do not own and am not affiliated with anything X-Men. I'm just borrowing them temporarily

Warning: contains suicidal thoughts

Counting

Logan was fast asleep when the sound of his window opening woke him. The cold air rushed inside before the window quickly closed again as if it had never been opened. If it had been opened in any other room the occupant would never have heard it at all. Only Logan's sensitive ears could have picked up the sound.

"Hey kid," he said without opening his eyes. He was surprised to find Gambit breaking into his room in the middle of the night, but he figured that he must have a good reason. When Remy didn't reply right away Logan opened his eyes and looked towards the window that the thief had entered through.

Remy trembled slightly as he stood staring out the window that he had just entered. His hands were still pressed against the wood as he already contemplated leaving. He knew it had been a mistake the moment he set foot in the room. Now he just had to decide whether it would be better to stay and face Logan immediately or leave ashamed.

Logan was getting worried as he watched Remy stand unmoving by the window. Ever since Remy had mysteriously returned to the mansion he hadn't really talked to the kid. Things were different; Cyclops had sent Remy to live at the boathouse. Logan understood the reasons; he had heard them explained many different times in many different ways. However he couldn't get himself to believe any of them. Remy was being punished for not living up to the illusion of perfection that the others had decided he needed to live up too. They were all hypocrites. He wasn't any better; he allowed it to continue by only halfheartedly disagreeing.

"Remy?" he said the name hesitantly. Remy looked like he was going to bolt at any moment and Logan wanted to at least try to figure out why he had come before that happened.

Remy turned to him slowly, his face was lit only by the moonlight and it made the kid look eerie. Logan saw the light reflect off tear stained cheeks and he wondered why he hadn't immediately smelled the kid's tears. "Sorry Logan," Remy said as he began to reopen the window, "I'll go."

"Kid wait," Logan stopped him from leaving immediately. "What's wrong?" He realized the ridiculousness of the question as soon as it left his lips but it had been too late to take it back. He heard Remy's painful chuckle sound across the room and finally smelled his salty tears as the wind once again blew into the room. "Close the window kid and come here," Logan demanded.

Remy obliged, it was after all what he had come for. He walked across the room hesitantly with his eyes staring desperately at the floor. He swallowed hard as he reached Logan's bed and forced himself to look up at the man. He hadn't wiped the tears from his face, nor had he acknowledged their presence at all. They had become so natural to him that he hardly noticed them anymore. He was tormented both night and day for crimes that he had committed either unintentionally or not at all. It was the price he had to pay for being the son of the devil.

It unnerved Logan that Remy had hardly spoken. In the past the kid had been so talkative that it was almost impossible to get him to stop. Now ever since they had abandoned him they couldn't get the kid to talk any more then absolutely necessary. "Nightmares?" Logan questioned as gently as he was able to.

Remy nodded. He had only come to Logan a handful of times before, the first time Logan had insisted on it when he was awoken by Remy's screaming a few years ago. He had given Remy an open invitation to come in if it was ever necessary. It was an invitation that Logan would have given anyone in the mansion. His relationship with Remy wasn't anything special. He hardly considered them to be friends, but Logan understood nightmares and he would never turn anyone away if he could help.

Logan pulled back the covers on his bed and gestured for Remy to lie down. Remy hesitated but not because he was afraid of the man. He bit his lip in contemplation as he slipped his shoes off his feet and his coat off his shoulders. His eyes were downcast sadly and he felt unsure of his decision to come. "I ain't writing you an invitation," Logan said roughly, but Remy could sense gentleness behind the words.

He nodded sadly and lay down on the bed. Remy stared up at the ceiling as Logan stared at him. The minutes went by slowly as if they were hours. The silence of the room was disturbing to Logan. To Remy however the room was filled with sounds that he cherished, sounds that had been taken from him and made forbidden. The sound of Logan's breathing next to him made it easy to mimic the steadiness that he had almost forgotten. The sound of the clock on the wall ticking was a welcome distraction compared to the stillness of the boathouse.

The warmth of the room was amazing to Remy as well. Not just the amazingly warm flannel sheets and pile of blankets that Logan had, but the warmth of the air itself was a welcome change. The wind didn't blow straight through the window and the heat kept the entire room a comfortable temperature. He didn't have to sit so close to a fire that it could singe him at any moment. He hated the boathouse.

Remy was aware of Logan's continued stare but he was unable to do anything about it. He had no plans of talking to the man and he didn't feel bad for simply using him for a warm bed and a good night's sleep. Logan had offered this to him years ago and tonight he needed it more than anything. He would be gone in the morning and they could both pretend that it had never happened.

"You can talk to me kid," Logan offered and Remy could tell he was annoyed with his quietness but he honestly had nothing to say to the older man. Remy turned towards Logan slowly and the two stared at each other for several long minutes.

"Just want to sleep," Remy whispered as he continued to stare at Logan.

Logan nodded in acceptance and watched the younger man roll away from him. He continued to stare at Remy's back until he realized that the man's breathing had evened out and he was genuinely asleep. Logan was sure that things would be no different in the morning. Remy would go back to the boathouse and Logan would go on with his life. He was willing to offer this small comfort for one night because he knew that only desperation would have brought Remy to him and he wasn't able to turn his back on someone that desperate.

Both men fell asleep that night with the intention of waking before the other. Unfortunately both men were awoken at the same time by the shriek of another X-Man, or X-Women in this case. Rogue had been sent up to find Wolverine when he hadn't responded to Scott's page earlier. It wasn't much of a secret that Logan sometimes turned his com off at night, he would know if there was an actual emergency before anyone else did anyways. He didn't need to be woken up for a spontaneous early morning workout session by the fearless leader.

Remy scrambled off the bed and was halfway out the window before Logan tried to stop him. Rogue's shriek had alerted half the household and they quickly flooded the hall outside of Logan's room. "Everyone out now," he growled and everyone complied. He slammed the door forcefully and punched it in frustration. He didn't like his privacy being invaded by anyone and just now the entire mansion had been peeking into his room as if he was some sort of display.

Damn Cajun had to drag him into the kid's mess. Truthfully Logan realized he should have dragged himself into the mess long ago, or at least someone should have. He had hoped to catch Remy this morning before the kid fled and get him to talk.

Remy fled to the boathouse as fast as his feet would carry him. He had forgotten his shoes and coat in Logan's room so by the time he made it across the grounds and into the boathouse he was freezing. It was September in New York so the fall air was crisp and the ground was hard. He started a fire quickly and wrapped himself in several blankets before settling to huddle around it. He regretted his decision, a few hours of peaceful sleep hadn't been worth the price he was going to pay. He realized that Logan would come looking for him soon enough and the man had every right to be angry at him. Remy wouldn't fight him; he would accept whatever punishment Logan felt he deserved.

Remy had always considered himself a survivor. Not like the fake show on TV where people ate rice for a few weeks to win money, but a true survivor. The kind of survivor that could not only make it through any situation he found himself in, but he could rise above it. It had started before he even knew the meaning of the word, hell it may even have been before he learned English. His native tongue of Cajun French had served as his only form of communication during his youngest years. He no longer considered himself a survivor though. Life had become a chore to him now and he had very little hope of that ever changing.

Logan dressed quickly; he was determined to walk into the danger room for practice as if nothing had happened. In his mind nothing had, he wasn't going to let one night of comforting the Cajun ruin his place on the team. He didn't care how selfish that seemed. He would deal with the kid later and explain that it couldn't happen again. Remy would understand; Logan was sure of it.

He walked into the danger room and everyone's eyes turned to him. "Are we going to start or what?" He asked annoyed as he released his claws for an added affect.

"Glad you could join us," Cyclops replied irritated.

Logan smiled when he heard it, everything was back to normal. That's what he wanted he tried to convince himself. That's what he needed to happen because if it didn't he would be outcast from the only family he had ever considered himself a part of. It was hard to concentrate on the training exercise when he was constantly plagued with guilt.

When Remy was finally able to stop shivering he moved to the kitchen to make some tea. He had given up eating a while ago when he stopped being able to keep anything down. The fight wasn't worth the effort. He survived on tea and sometimes crackers when he could no longer stand the empty hunger. That was alright with him, it actually made things easier. He never had to go to the mansion for supplies and for that he was immensely thankful.

He filled the teakettle with water and set it on the stove before opening the cabinet to retrieve a teabag. He was so accustomed to their place that he hardly ever needed to look into the cabinet and it was only by accident that he had done it this time. He smiled at the site before him as a bottle of sleeping pills stared at him. He had forgotten about them. Hank had given them to him weeks ago, but Remy refused to use them because he didn't like the helpless feeling that they invoked in him. Today they seemed to make him feel hopeful instead. He knew the devil was ready to welcome him home.

Logan went to the locker room for a shower the moment Cyclops dismissed them. He growled at anyone who tried to approach him. It was only when he excited the locker room and found Ororo standing gracefully next to the wall that he gave anyone his attention. "'Ro," he acknowledged her and she understood it as an invitation to talk.

"Why did Remy come to you?" she asked him sadly. She had not fully forgiven him yet but her love for her brother had not faded either. She couldn't bring herself to support him because his betrayal had hurt her so deeply, but she couldn't help worrying about him.

"I don't know," Logan confessed, "he didn't say."

"I am worried," Ororo stated.

"He can take care of himself 'Ro," Logan encouraged.

She nodded, "you're right," she agreed. She smiled at him and walked away. She truly agreed with Logan's statement, they had no reason to help the young man.

Logan hadn't wanted her to agree with him so quickly.

Remy didn't open the bottle immediately; instead he set it down on the counter and reached for the teabag that had been his original target. He removed a mug from the drying rack and waited for the teakettle to whistle. He stared at the bottle again, it was so inviting that his eyes watered at the prospect of what it had to offer; an end to everything. The survivor in him had always rebelled against thoughts such as this, but he now understood that the survivor in him had ceased to exist after Antarctica.

The sound of the teakettle's whistle broke him of his thoughts and he carefully poured the hot liquid into his ready mug. He clutched the mug tightly, savoring the warmth that it offered him. He held the mug in one hand and picked up the sleeping pills with the other. He returned to the living room and once again huddled in the chair he had moved by the fire. He hid the pills from himself under his pile of blankets and watched the fire thoughtlessly for sometime while he savored his beloved tea.

Logan's guilt led him to the medlab in hopes of finding Hank. It was a pretty easy task as he spotted him immediately upon walking into the lab. "Logan, to what do I owe this unexpected visit?" Hank asked cheerfully.

"Why doesn't the kid train with us anymore Hank?" Logan asked directly.

"I cannot break doctor-patient confidentiality Logan, but Remy has not been cleared for active duty," Hank informed him.

Logan nodded, he had already figured that much out. "I don't care about the confidentiality, are you doing anything to help the kid?" Logan asked.

"Remy has refused to have an examination, without that I cannot be of much assistance," Hank explained.

"Damn," Logan muttered. Why did the kid have to choose his bed to crawl into? Now he had no choice but to get involved.

Remy determined that he didn't regret his decision the night before. His nightmares had driven him to Logan's room before he had been able to think it through. However, now in the light of day he realized that it was his way of giving the world one last chance. He brought the bottle of pills out from their location under his pile of blankets and stared at the bottle intently. His breathing quickened as he tried to make a decision. He opened the bottle and saw that most of the bottle was full. It would surely be enough.

Logan knew he had no choice but he put off going to see the kid immediately as he grabbed a beer and sat down to watch hockey instead. The kid had been back for months without his intervention, a few more hours wouldn't hurt. He lost himself in the game and hardly gave Remy another thought. Warren and Bobby had joined him at some point and the two seemed content to not talk about the morning's event. Logan was pretty sure he could just pretend it didn't happen.

Remy couldn't decide. He had been staring at the bottle of pills all afternoon and he still couldn't decide. The fire was dying and he realized he had to put another log onto it. He screwed the cap back on the bottle and set it down next to his mug on the floor. He had some logs already stacked up inside the boathouse and he added one of them to his dying fire.

When he was finished he sat down on the floor by the fire instead of on the chair. A thought came to his mind as he once again stared at the bottle. He stood up and retrieved a plate from the kitchen before returning to the floor. He opened the bottle again quickly and spilled the contents onto the plate in front of him. He made up his mind to let fate make the decision. He would count the pills, if there was an even number then he would flush them. But if there was an odd number he would accept his fate and leave this sad existence. A rush of excitement reddened his cheeks.

Logan had almost forgotten about his earlier decision to pay Remy a visit. The game had been exciting and afterwards he had been talked into a few rounds of cards with some of the other X-Men. They didn't seem to be holding anything against him and Logan was tempted to go along with it. Unfortunately his conscience got the best of him and he headed towards the boathouse.

Remy counted the pills slowly because he enjoyed the anticipation of deciding his fate by chance. He wasn't sure what he was hoping for. After each pill he changed his mind and his stomach knotted a little more. His eyes were wet but nothing leaked down his cheeks. He had to remind himself to breath every few seconds for fear that he may pass out before completing his task. He was running out of pills and forced himself not to count any faster.

Logan walked painfully slowly across the mansion grounds. He contemplated turning around several times but was able to convince himself that someone needed to talk to the kid and unfortunately it looked like no one else was willing to do it. He had no idea what he would say to Remy once he actually got out there.

Remy's hands shook as he counted the last few pills and realized that fate agreed with him. Today was the day he would die, he had been so happy with the thought earlier but now he frowned. Maybe it wasn't what he wanted after all. He decided to recount.

Logan walked into the boathouse without knocking and crossed through the entryway and into the living room where he found Remy recounting his pills. "What are you doing kid?" He asked loudly.

Remy wasn't startled he had heard Logan enter, "counting," he replied without looking up.