Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors. Wow, how many people have said that?
Hello, and welcome to the first chapter in my first story ever, so cut me some slack. There may be some references to Goldenears's parodies, since he's my brother. If you don't understand some of the jokes, you might want to check out his two warrior's parodies. So if Goldenears pops up in this story or vice versa, don't think that I'm just having a mental breakdown.
Firestar was sitting in the warmth of his den, not wanting to go out into the cold air. Also, he was just too damn lazy.
I deserve a vacation or something. Firestar thought to himself. Actually, that's not a bad idea. I hear that the volcanoes around Riverclan territory are quite nice this time of year.
"Firestar," Leafpool said as she entered his den. "It's past sunhigh, what are you still doing in here. Don't you have important leader stuff to do or something?"
"No, it's way too cold out right now. In fact, I'm thinking about taking a bit of vacation time. Maybe over to the Riverclanian volcanoes or something." Leafpool looked at him for a moment, then, realizing that there was no way to try to convince using logic, she decided that she should probably just go with it.
"Fine, so long as you put someone more… efficient, than Brambleclaw in charge of the clan."
"Alright. If you don't want me to appoint Brambleclaw, then I'll just have to use… Bramblepaw. There, problem solved." Firestar then got up, and for some reason walked backwards out of his den. He then fell off of the Highledge, tumbled through the hollow and then landed in some bushes. But when he got up, and tried to walk back to the hollow, backwards, he tripped and slid down a steep slope, and into the river. He then was carried by a strong current downriver, went through some spiky reeds, and over a small waterfall. Then he dragged himself out of the water, onto the bank. Then some dogs came and chased him for a bit. Then somehow he ended up back in his den, without using the only entrance, or going back to the camp. However, he was an idiot and did not find this odd. Then he went back to the Highledge, where he had originally been headed, to appoint Brambleclaw, oops, Bramblepaw as the temporary leader.
"All cats old enough to give a damn about what I say, get your butts over here." The clan hadn't heard a proper, formal summoning to the Highledge since Firestar had become their leader. They had gotten used to it, since it was basically the smallest change in the clan since Bluestar's death.
"Listen everybody, I'm going on vacation for a while, over to the volcanoes over by Riverclan, so that I can lava-bathe myself in them for a bit and get all warmed up. Any questions?" Most of them in fact did have questions, but they were too afraid that he would answer them.
"Oh, one last thing. Bramblepaw is in charge until I get back." Then, when he headed back to his den in order to prepare for the journey (napping) Jayfeather called after him.
"Hey, Firestar, you do know that leaders don't actually get vacations, right?" Firestar stared vacantly into space for a few seconds, then jumped and glared right at Jayfeather.
"But the brochure said that I got a month of vacation time every 12 moons!" Firestar started to stare up at the sky, as if remember something.
"What brochure?" Jayfeather asked, genuinely confused.
"The brochure they showed me way back in the day…" Firestar continued to look up at the sky for another few moments, then suddenly yelled to the heavens.
"HEY! THIS WHEN I HAVE MY FLASHBACK! REMEMBER?" Oh, crap, I completely forgot about that.
Flashback time! –
Firestar, oh, sorry, Fireheart, was in the middle of having mid-life crisis, even though he was only like, three years old, and decided to go over to Cinderpelt's Den to talk about this huge early-life crisis.
"Hey, Cinderpelt's Den, I have to deal with this issue of mine. You see, nothing excites me anymore. Not battles, or patrols, or hunting. I even have a girlfriend now, and everything is completely dull. Even dreams that Spottedleaf is in aren't very interesting anymore."
"Fireheart, two things. One, I'm over here, two, it sounds like you need a hobby or something."
"I didn't ASK you Cinderpelt. I'm talking to this Den over here." Firestar turned away from her and looked back over to her den.
"So, as you were saying…" Firestar carried on with his conversation with an inanimate object as Cinderpelt tried to find her old career brochures.
"Well," Cinderpelt said, hiding behind the den, "You could try looking at these careers."
"Why thank you Cinderpelt's Den. You've been really helpful, unlike a certain medicine cat I can think of. So, what are some of my choices?"
"Well, you could be a medicine cat." Firestar stared at the Den for a second, then, when he remembered what a medicine cat was, he recoiled as if she, sorry, the *den* had just hit him.
"Ew, gross, I hate medicine cats. They're all so boring, and stupid and they can't even fight! Who would want to be a stupid medicine cat!" A hissing noise started to come from behind the Den.
"Are you okay?" Cinderpelt/Den controlled her/it's temper instantly.
"Yeah, sure. How about an elder. They get to sit around and do absolutely nothing, sleep all day, and get loads to eat without doing any work for it."
"Yeah, but I do that already. Next." Cinderpelt was running out of brochures.
"Okay, how about a rogue, or even a loner. They get to live by their own rules, do what they want, say whatever they want to say to anyone or about anything, what do you say?"
"Some of that sounds nice, but who wants to live in an old tree stump for days, having to catch your own food and everything, and sometimes, your fur even gets dirty!" Cinderpelt was on her second to last brochure. She didn't think he'd like either of them.
"Okay, here we've got clan deputy." She peeked around the corner of the great and mighty Den and quickly looked Firestar up and down. She didn't think he would make a very good deputy, let alone leader, god forbid.
"Nah, too much responsibility and, you know, work. Anything else?" Cinderpelt tried to stop giggling like a tiny kitten and spoke with a loud, clear voice.
"Yes, nursing queen." Firestar blinked. Once, twice, about twenty times.
"What… what exactly would that entail?" (hah, hah, get it? Tail?)
"It means that you would need to get a sex change, then have a kitten, then nurse the kitten and live in a warm den, constantly taking care of annoying furballs that try to make your life hell."
(Cameo time!)
"Firest- heart, what do you think you're doing?" Said a female voice from behind him. He spun around in shock and confusion. A tortoiseshell cat with blue eyes, and a beige streak ran diagonally across her face. She came up and whacked him in the side of the head. Her godly author powers caused him to fly sideways several meters.
"Who are you?" Fireheart asked as he clambered back onto his feet (has four of them you know. Educational time!).
"I'm the author, idiot. Are you really so stupid that the 'godly, author powers' didn't give you a clue?" Firestar, realizing who he was dealing with, shrank down into a small ball of obviously dyed orange fur (why do you think he's such an unnatural shade of orange?) and cowered, fearing the wrath of Scarheart the first.
"You can't just go around changing everything, this is only a flashback, Firestar."
"Fine, I'll become the deputy. So long as I get a cool hat." Scarheart was slightly thrown off by this.
"Firest- heart, I don't understand. You're a cat. Why would you want a hat? You know what, just nevermind."
"But, but, do I get my hat?"
"WOULD YOU FORGET THE STUPID HAT! You are going to be a hatless leader, and you will be happy about it!" Then the flashback ended. So why am I still writing in italics? Will Firestar ever actually go on vacation? Will he actually jump into the volcano, and if he does, will he survive by a miracle of plot development. And will Bramblecl- sorry, Bramblepaw be able to keep the clan alive in Firestar's absence? And if Firestar actually does die on vacation, will the clan be stupid enough to appoint Bramblepaw as the new leader. Find the these question and more when I next feel like wasting two and half hours writing some pointless story for nerds on the internet.
Read and Review.
That's all for now folks.
You might be wondering why this parody is called 'Firestar's IQ'. It is called this because every chapter number represents Firestar's current IQ, so, maybe, one day, he could walk forward. But that depends on if anybody reviews. So, don't be cruel and just review. Wow, I just realized that this chapter is 4 pages long and it's mainly about Firestar falling down a waterfall, off the Highledge and a long flash back. Also some
of these jokes belong to Goldenears because he's my brother and I needed his help on
some parts. Bye. Review.
