I just want to say that english is not my first langage, so please don't be mad if there is some mistakes... This story started in season 2, after June tried to escape. I hope you'll enjoy it ^^
June :
I look at the white walls around me. White, the symbol of purity, the symbol of Gilead ... I hear the sound of her heels in the corridor leading to the immaculate room in which I find myself. I have no doubt about the person who comes to visit me. This way of walking, this clanking of heels balancing with charm and elegance, I would recognize it among millions.
It's her.
I close my eyes for two seconds and try to control the anger that invades my body and mind. She stops behind the big curtain that separates us. I guess she does not want to see me. That it was too hard for her to see me.
- Blessed the day
- Blessed the day. I answer calm.
- I see you're fine.
- Yes, Mrs. Waterford.
- Excellent news
I hear her approaching slowly but determined. I realize that the rest of this conversation will not be a pleasure.
She comes to me and the tension I can see on her face gives me reason. The bitchy Serena is back!
-I will make things clear. All your little shenanigans, your little secrets, everything stops today! I will not tolerate your little game anymore. Have I made myself clear?
Her eyes are hard as stone. She knows she does not scare me, but she cannot help but want to assert her superiority. To show she is the one who holds the reins of the little game we have been playing from the beginning. That she is THE one and only housewife and she own me!
-Don't get upset Serena ... It's bad for the baby.
She looks at me even more furious than before and I feel she could kill me on the spot. Thank God, she is interrupted in this thought when her husband and my doctor enter the room. They do not know it, but they just saved me from a certain death.
I know I should not play with fire with Serena, but that's part of our relationship. She expects it. She directs and orders and I rebel. It's what's supposed to happen.
As the echo begins, she continues to stare at me, hoping to bend me. What she does not know yet is that I am like the reed; I bend but do not break. Her husband calls to find out the miracle I carry in me. She moves to reach the monitor and I discover another woman.
How this bitch who was ready to give me in sacrifice a few seconds ago can suddenly become full of tenderness and sweetness? It is borderline personality disorder at this level. Her eyes are shining with happiness, and I want to scream so much. What I feel is in complete contradiction. I can see it, I can feel it, she already loves this child. My child. Our child to Nick and I ... And for that reason only, I cannot entirely hate her. I would almost have compassion for her. I am at this conclusion when she approaches me and puts a gentle kiss on my forehead, leaving me even more confused.
"God bless you ..." she slips into a whisper before leaving.
I believed it ... I tasted it closely, I felt it. I had a glimpse of what my life might look like away from Gilead, far away from the Waterford, away from her, Serena. But reality quickly caught me back.
I did not manage to escape; Nick could not save me, despite all these efforts. I could have joined Luke in Canada, and we would have spent the rest of our days trying to get Hannah back, we would have succeeded sooner or later and would have lived happily ever after. But that's not what happened, no...
Gilead did not let me live happy. The plane never took off. I was taken to the red center with Aunt Lydia, and now I'm in the car that brings me back to my kind and warm hosts. That's how everyone talks about Commander Waterford and his lovely wife Serena. No need to tell you that I do not share this idyllic vision of my executioner couple. And you want to know what is the most ironic part in this situation, Aunt Lydia who gives me the lesson by telling me that I must earn their trust, show them that I am worthy to receive this second chance to be welcomed in their home. Of course Aunt Lydia ... fuck you Aunt Lydia!
I leave the car, feverish, go forward to the porch, and contemplate the gates of hell just in front of me. I already know what's waiting for me. I am prepared for it.
The fire crackles in the chimney of the big living room, and I wait resigned for the arrival of the diabolic couple.
It is him who comes to welcome me first by wishing me a good return home. As if this home could reflect the warmth and security of a home in my eyes. Nothing here resembles the image I have of a house, it's a prison. My own prison until childbirth.
I discover with some amazement the story they chose to tell each other to avoid any dishonor. Obviously their handmaid did not choose to escape, to regain her freedom, she was simply kidnapped. I wonder who could have come to with this story. It can only be her. She is the only one smart enough to succeed of saving appearances at any cost. I even come to admire his evil genius.
As she triumphantly enters the room and places herself next to her husband, Serena defies me with her eyes. A new game begins between us. And my attitude lets her understand that I'm ready for a new round, and always ready to break a few rules to win. Maybe I should not have done this affront to her. I realize it a few minutes later in the hallway that leads to my cell, called here bedroom, when her hand finds itself violently against my throat and that she slams me against the wall behind me.
-92 days!
It's the duration of my escapade. She counted the days, I am impressed. Her eyes are a mixture of anger, relief, and sadness. I can see how much she suffered during those 92 days. Wondering if her child was still alive, whether she would have the chance to meet him one day, whether she would ever have the happiness of being able to take him in her arms. I imagine this pain perfectly, I know that pain, I just did not imagine that this bitch without any heart could feel it as well.
She is completely broken when she releases me and turns her back on me, leaving me the opportunity to launch, with delight, a new attack.
-Serena ... Remember ... As long as my child is safe, yours is safe too.
Life continues at the Waterford's house. Aunt Lydia is caring for me and the miracle I carry in me. From the outside, everything could almost seem normal. But it's Gilead, nothing is normal here.
I did not see Nick again until this morning. And seeing him in this kitchen, carrying his crate of empty bottles, warms my heart. It's good to know he's right next door. I don't know exactly how I feel about him, but I know he is a good man, and will do everything he can to protect me and his child. This is the moment chosen by her majesty Serena to enter the kitchen, thus surprising my gaze following the father of my child as he passes near me. I regret immediately that she has surprised this look. She now has the advantage over me. A means of pressure to bend me to all her wishes. I curse myself for having this weakness in front of her. Especially today, the day of the baby shower.
Let's talk about this baby shower. That ridiculous parade. A simulacrum. How can these women rejoice and celebrate the coming of a child in these conditions? Do they have no restraint? Celebrate the rape of a woman in front of them by their own husbands all the more. What has the world become? What has humanity become? Although I ask myself all these questions, this party makes softly me smile. I find them simply ridiculous, namely who gave the best gift, to laugh and marvel at the miraculous baby to come, enjoying champagne. They are simply pathetic in their attempts at normality, so pathetic that my amusement gives way to anger. My hands clench on the armrests of the chair in which I am comfortably seated, exposed like a trophy in the middle of the living room.
And yet, it is always HER who is the center of the attention. HER who receives all the marks of affection, HER who is complaint of having missed by the first trimester of the pregnancy, to perhaps missed by the first kicks given by the baby. She looks good as always. Smiling around to prove that everything is fine, trying to convince herself that nothing is lost and that everything is yet to come.
I should shut up ... I know I should shut the fuck up at the risk of paying for it later, but I can't, it's beyond my strength. I need to hurt her. And the only way to do that is to tell her truths that she doesn't want to hear.
-I felt the baby kick for the first time last night
The silence caused by this statement and the confused and sad look of Serena are enough to make me feel better. You do what you got to do, right?
Little things make us happy when we are in my position and that we are about to undergo what will follow. Nobody is prepared for the humiliation that will be mine in a few minutes. The ultimate humiliation. Total deprivation of my dignity in front of witnesses. The very deprivation of my right to exist as a woman if ever there still was that right in Gilead. But today is another step in the madness that has become our new normal. Today I have to spiritually transfer the child I'm carrying to Serena. While Aunt Lydia brings me into this masquerade, I regret to be aware of all these things that surround me. I would like not to know. not To know the outcome of this grotesque ceremony. But it is not that way. I enter the room again knowingly and full of rage. They are all there, women in blue, those who form the elite of our new country, the wives, they are all there, forming a circle and waiting for my coming. My friends, the other handmaid's are behind, forming a circle too, trying to mentally support me in this ordeal that awaits me. I put my knees on the cushion laid for me and take a look at my nemesis. She wins today. I submit myself. She is in a position of strength, she stands and I'm on my knees, giving her full authority over me and the child I am carrying. Serena looks at me and begins the ceremony. I do not have the courage to look at her, to face it, I know this battle is lost in advance. I can't rebel. Not now, not here, for the moment I must eat my brake and remain silent, I must not give her satisfaction, especially not. She is there, imploring God to let the child come to her, her despair is not feigned, it is real, I can feel it. Nothing can forgive what she is doing to me. Nothing in the world will ever make me forget this moment
It is completely dazed that I attend the storage of the living room after the festivities. I do not completely realize what has just happened, or on the contrary, I am only too aware of it. I approach a baby carriage and take a tiny white sock probably hand knitted by one of those women I despise so much. The memories of my baby shower for Hannah invade me and before I realize, I formulate them aloud. It's when I see Rita receive a huge slap from Serena that I realize it. If only she could have slapped me, she thought. I know this slap was destined for me, it cannot be otherwise. The violence with which it has been administered is proof. And I lose once again any hope of finding a tiny part of humanity in this Waterford bitch. And while I am devastated, having completely lost faith in humanity, Aunt Lydia chose to take me on a walk on the docks. In front of the wall precisely. This wall represents the shame of Gilead and this new normality. This is the moment she chooses to break me completely. By showing me the consequences of my actions during my escape attempt, this body hanging along the wall, the body of the man I forced to help me and who paid of his life.
My last ounce of resistance has ended. I literally crack. I collapse in front of Aunt Lydia and listen to her telling me how important it is for me to make amends to the Waterford's. That I have to try to understand Serena, that it's difficult for her, that I need to understand and stop being a pain in the ass. I must stop being June. Because June is responsible for the death of this man, June tried to run away, June is responsible for all the bad things that happen to me. I must not be June anymore. I must be Offred. Resigned and without any strength, I abdicate and give up being June. I have to get into the rank. I must be wise and discreet. I must not be anymore, i do no longer exist. I collapse in the arms of the one who has not stopped breaking me since our first meeting. Aunt Lydia. My torturer becomes my comfort. And this is the new reality. The reality of Gilead. For today ... Gilead won.
It is under the eyes of Nick and Rita and the benevolence of Aunt Lydia, that I implore on my knees permission to remain with the Waterford's. Aware that I do not deserve it yet, but full of promise to be the best handmaid's they have ever had. Thanking them for all these things they have done for me. I see Serena come out of the room, annoyed, and it breaks me even more.
