Topsy-Turvy Thursday
It was about three o'clock in the morning when there was a knock on Jervis Tetch's door.
"Come in," said Tetch, as he leaned back from what he had been examining, rubbing his eyes.
"I saw your light on - why are you still awake?" asked his roommate, Jonathan Crane, as he opened the door.
"I could ask you the same question," replied Tetch.
"In my case, it's because I tend to work best at night," replied Crane. "I always have – I find darkness stirs the imagination and focuses the mind. Plus it distracts me from lying in bed awake all night reviewing the failures of my life in an endless spiral. But you're never up this late."
"I've been working," replied Tetch, holding up the device he had been examining. "And this particular work needs constant attention – there's no time for sleep."
"You're really meddling with that again?" demanded Crane.
"Why not? It has limitless potential – I'd be a fool not to try to tap into it," replied Tetch.
"Don't you remember what happened last time?" asked Crane. "You spilled tea onto it and changed the fabric of reality. You made the Joker and Bruce Wayne switch bodies for the day."
"Yes, I remember," retorted Tetch. "And I also remember that I managed to restore them to their correct bodies eventually, so all's well that ends well."
"I'm merely pointing out how dangerous a device it is," said Crane. "If the fabric of the universe were in my hands, I would not treat it so carelessly. But who knew reality was so malleable anyway?"
"Oh, I always did," said Tetch, shrugging. "What is reality and what is fantasy, after all? Are we all nothing but figures in the Red King's dream, as Tweedledee asked of Alice? But there was no harm done in the end from my temporary shifting of reality."
"I imagine Bruce Wayne was scarred for life," said Crane. "Not to mention poor Harley."
"I imagine it did her good – at least she didn't have to put up with the Joker for one day," said Tetch.
"Yes, I suppose she could actually see how other men can behave toward her, and how they're not all psychotic abusers," muttered Crane. "Of course I wouldn't call Bruce Wayne a suitable man for her – that flighty, uncommitted playboy is almost as bad as the Joker."
"Perhaps that's why the universe decided to swap their bodies," said Tetch. "Perhaps it thought they were similar enough that nobody would notice."
"You don't think it was just random chance?" asked Crane. "You don't think there's some higher power controlling the universe, do you?"
"My dear Jonathan, I'm far too intelligent to dismiss any possibility out of hand," replied Tetch. "Perhaps there is some all-powerful god who creates these situations just for fun. He, or she, I suppose, might like to entertain him or herself by causing trouble and creating conflicts, or awkward situations, just to see how we respond. Perhaps God is an author just trying to write an interesting story using an infinite number of scenarios."
"Well, I think he or she must have a sick sense of humor, to make others suffer for entertainment," muttered Crane. "That makes it sound like God is someone like the Joker, and that's the most terrifying thought I've had in a long time."
"Indeed," agreed Tetch, nodding.
"Well, as long as you're up, I'm making tea," said Crane. "You should come have a cup."
"That sounds delightful," said Tetch. "But I can't be distracted from the device for too long – it's highly unstable and must be constantly monitored."
"It also sounds like the Joker," commented Crane, as they headed into the kitchen with Tetch carrying the device. "Did I tell you, he sabotaged my latest fear gas attack? He released his Joker toxin simultaneously, so rather than hundreds of people dying screaming in terror, they died halfway in between utter terror and hysterical laughter, which resulted in a fairly neutral expression. It completely ruined the effect I was hoping for, while of course he found it unbelievably funny how angry I was about it. I almost wish you could swap his body again, only this time leave the real him lost forever, and replace him in his body with someone like…oh, I don't know…"
"You?" suggested Tetch, as he put down the device on the counter and put on the kettle. "And then hope Harley doesn't realize until after you've performed intercourse?"
"I would never do something so underhanded and ungentlemanly!" snapped Crane. "The very idea that you think I would think such a thing – how dare you?" They were silent as the kettle boiled. "But just hypothetically…do you believe you can control whose bodies get swapped?" he asked at last.
"First of all, I'm not swapping you and Joker," snapped Tetch, as he poured the contents of the kettle into the teapot. "Because I don't want to be stuck with him as a roommate, for one – that would be an absolute nightmare, like the Odd Couple but with more homicide. And because I honestly don't know how to control it, or even how I did it last time. It was a complete fluke, and flukes cannot be repeated by definition, because there are no parameters with which to repeat the experiment."
"But you managed to fix it last time, which means you must have some understanding of the process," replied Crane.
"The answer is an emphatic no, Jonathan," retorted Tetch. "Some fabrics of the universe should not be tampered with, lest we lose all grip on this particular reality. And I'm hanging in there by a thread as it is, and frankly, with these Harley fantasies, so are you."
"Fine," sniffed Crane. "I won't ask you hypothetical questions again."
"Thank you," said Tetch. "Such things are never innocent – if the Lewis Carroll novels have taught me one thing, it's that nothing means what it should, and everything means something it shouldn't. Which is the definition of nonsense, and by extension, life."
He lifted the teapot and tipped it to pour its contents into the cups waiting on the counter below. But as he did so, a dollop of tea splashed out from the bottom of the cup, shot into the air, and landed with a fizzle on the device.
There was a loud popping sound and the room seemed to shake briefly as Crane and Tetch stared at the device in horror.
"Are you still you?" asked Tetch, slowly.
"Yes," said Crane. "You?"
"Yes," said Tetch, nodding. "Well then, I wonder who it's switched this time. Should we call Joker just to make sure?"
"At 3 AM?" asked Crane. "He'd murder us for waking him up. I'm sure we'll hear about it tomorrow if anything happened."
"Perhaps you're right, though," said Tetch, slowly. "Perhaps God does have the Joker's twisted sense of humor. Why else would this happen again?"
"Maybe God is out of ideas," retorted Crane. "Isn't that normally why sequels and reboots exist?"
"Or maybe he or she just thinks this is a funny premise that hasn't reached its full potential for entertainment yet," said Tetch. "But I certainly don't. What sort of sick, disgusting, mentally disturbed person is entertained by people swapping bodies?"
