O.k, so here is my second fanfic. It starts in the episode "Desire", with a few changes. If people actually like where I'm going with it I'm hoping to do a multi-parter that takes us to the end of the season "MerDer" style. So, this is a MerDer fic, and I apologise for any spelling or grammatical errors. Hope you enjoy it, please review!
Btw; I do not own Grey's, if I did there would be no Lexie and lots of MerDer fluff :)
Something was wrong, not that it surprised her; because really, when it came to Meredith Grey it seemed that rarely anything was right. But as she lay there watching Derek look at the ceiling that uneasy pit formed in her stomach again. It was the same feeling that had her telling him exactly what she was doing all day; all in an effort to be communicating. When he had accused her of mocking him she didn't know how to respond. How was she to know what he was looking for? She was new to this whole communicating relationship thing. So she had done what she did best, she avoided that statement and instead undressed in his bedroom and waited for him to come to her. There was one thing she knew about their relationship; they might not be perfect at the whole verbal communication, but when it came to the physical act; there were no problems; at least it seemed until tonight.
It's not that it wasn't good, it was incredibly good; always had been. But that connection that she had been desperately looking for was still missing. As if to prove the point; after they had finished Derek had rolled onto his back. If there was one thing that was supposed to be a given, it was that Derek was a cuddler; he would always turn on his side and pull her her into him and she would just enjoy the sensation of his heart beating against her back. Not tonight though. Tonight he had simply turned over and lay on his back, and even though the distance between them wasn't even 6 inches, it felt like a chasm and it terrified Meredith.
In an effort to be rid of the unnerving silence Meredith did what she did best, rambled. She turned to face Derek and propped her head up on her fist.
"You just can't do that."
"Do what?" He sighed and rubbed his face but still made no move to turn or even look at her.
"You can't look all broody after sex, it hurts a persons ego you know!"
She had expected some sort of retort but was again gifted with another sigh.
"I'm fine"
"You're fine? Are we fine?"
"Sure"
Sure? Derek didn't do one or two word answers, that was her thing. He was the one who always wanted to talk about feelings and stuff, and if she actually thought about it she would realize that he hadn't done that in a long time.
"Seriously? Look if this is about the hovering, I'm sorry. I know you were just worried and trying to be there for me. But it's o.k., really; because now I'm being available; communicating and getting naked, all your favourite things."
"Good things."
"Alright, then what is up with the 1 or 2 word answers, and why are you staring at the ceiling instead of your hot, and need I remind you naked girlfriend."
He finally turned to look at her and she could barely stand to look at the desperation in his eyes.
"It's just, that day I pulled you out of the water, I spent the scariest hour of my life trying to breathe for you. You were so cold, and you matched your scrubs… and I love you and I want you; but every time I close my eyes I see you down in that water and all I can think is that you didn't swim. You didn't swim and you know how to; but you didn't swim. I don't know if I can, I don't know if I wanna keep trying to breathe for you."
At his admission Meredith felt as though an elephant was sitting on her chest. He had been the one to pull her from the water; her night in shining whatever. She didn't know that and she had never asked, she had just been thankful that she woke up. She was so convinced when she gave up in that second that she hadn't thought about any of the consequences, truth be told, she didn't think that anyone would notice she disappeared. She should have known it would be him. It always was, and as she looked at this broken man she blamed herself for her selfishness. Now though, he was telling her he didn't want to keep breathing for her; to Meredith that meant that the time she knew would come had arrived, he was ending it. With that realization she tried to suck in a breath at the sudden pain.
She couldn't blame him, she was beyond dark and twisty and he was, well he was Derek. With that thought her natural instinct for self -preservation kicked in screaming at her to run. If she ran then she wouldn't have to hear him say it was over. She barely survived the first time and right now she knew she wouldn't survive, so Meredith did what came natural she got out of the bed and started dressing as quickly as she could.
When Derek made no move to stop her, it hurt. She looked at him just lying there on the bed staring back up at the rain hitting the ceiling.
"I should go." When he made no move to answer she quickly muttered, "I'll go."
She had rushed out the door and was half way to her jeep when she realized what had happened. He was done, he hadn't made a move to stop her, he hadn't done anything other than just lay there, and that to her, was the worst thing he could have done. It was in this moment, standing there in the rain completely lost that something broke in Meredith's subconscious. She didn't know how long she stood there in the rain, she wasn't even sure what she was remembering, but a part of her knew it was the truth. Maybe it was the brain dying scientific thing, or maybe it was the whole walking into the white light but pulling back at the last second thing but she remembered.
She remembered Denny, and Dylan. She remembered Bonnie and her mother's scrub nurse, Liz. She even remembered Doc and finally her mother and the weight of everything had her breaking down. She started to cry as she remembered Denny telling her why she couldn't give up because he had been right about everything. She remembered the utterly paralyzing fear when she thought that she wasn't going to make it back, she remembered telling them that she felt so stupid for her intimacy issues, and just a whiff of Derek was not enough. She was right, and still when she got back she had just reverted back to her old habits, wasting her second chance, a chance that Denny didn't have or Bonnie and she was wasting it. The tears were stopping and she was just processing everything when her mother's voice was in her head telling her that she was anything other than ordinary and to not be a dam. Instead of crying now, Meredith was getting angry.
Sure she had messed up and she was willing to take responsibility for it, but he was the one who said that he would always be there and then he didn't show up when she had waited. This was enough; she was tired of sitting back and waiting for life to kick her yet again. She was Meredith Grey; she was a fighter and survivor. She had fought to prove her mother wrong for all those years; she had fought through med school. She had survived her father leaving her when she was five, just as she had survived Derek choosing Addison over her. Her coping might not have been pretty, but she was still standing.
A smile slowly stretched across her face, and she had to fight the urge to start laughing. If anyone had seen her standing in the pouring rain, she was sure they would have called the men in the white coats to come and get her. But that didn't matter; because for the first time in what felt like forever she felt like herself. It was almost like being reborn, as cheesy as it sounded. She was ready to scream it to the world, she was Meredith Grey and she wouldn't be a victim anymore.
With a new found strength she turned and headed back to the trailer. She didn't know what was going to happen; but what she did know was that she wasn't just going to accept defeat, nope; she was going to fight; and as anyone who knew the old Meredith would have told you she always won. As she opened the door she noticed that he still occupied the same place in bed that she had left him at.
He glanced up at the door, and she seen the slight surprise on his features. She was sure that with her looking like a drowned rat it probably had shocked him, or maybe it was another thing. Maybe it was the fact that she was still there, and hadn't left, either way she took another step into the trailer, still trying to figure out what to say to him.
She took a breath to steady herself; "I did swim Derek."
He sat up and looked at her and was about to open his mouth to argue when she sat on his bed and continued.
"When I was first knocked into the water, I did swim. But as I fought to stay above the water I couldn't help but remember my mother telling me that I was a disappointment and ordinary. You can't know how much that hurt to hear."
Derek sighed and finally sat up pulling on some boxer shorts before settling back in his spot and just looked at her. As he wasn't stopping her she decided to continue.
"So for one second I thought, what's the point? After everything that's happened this year I thought that the universe was giving me an out. So what if I disappeared, it wouldn't matter; life would go on just as it had if I were still here. I'm not proud of it Derek, but the fact remains that I just was at that point where you don't know what to do. It seems like throughout this entire year as soon as I thought I had found my even footing something happened that pulled the bottom out from under me. So I stopped swimming; and as I made that decision I realized my mistake, but it was too late to fix."
"Meredith, why didn't you come to me? I could have helped."
"When was I supposed to go to you Derek? When you were trying with Addison and it was killing me to watch you with her; maybe after you called me a whore because you thought I had slept with Finn. I'm not saying that this is your fault, but you want the truth and the truth is Derek that you have hurt me this year. Even though you have hurt me, I did come to you Derek; that day that I tried to warn you about my mother and when I tried to come to you for any kind of comfort you just dismissed me, and even if you didn't admit it then; I knew that it had to do with something my mother had said to you."
Derek sat there in shocked silence. He had been the one who wanted to communicate, but he hadn't been expecting that. He was trying to digest everything she had said to him. He knew he had hurt her when he chose Addison but he thought that they had left it in the past. But as she sat there telling him what he had thought he wanted to hear he realized that it wasn't. It was very much in the here and now. As for Finn, she hadn't slept with him; and yet she stood there while he yelled at her and didn't offer any kind of argument even though he was completely in the wrong. How could he have been so blind? How could he not have noticed the damage he did himself? He had spent the last month since her accident struggling with himself to figure out how o help when the whole time he had so many of the answers already. Some knight in shining whatever he had turned out to be. Instead of saving the girl he just kept hurting her.
"I'm not blaming you Derek or trying to make excuses. I'm not even going to try and justify what I did, because I can't. It was wrong and it is something I will regret for the rest of my life; I was so caught up in my life that I almost lost everything that is important to me. But now I see, even though I came back I still might lose the most important thing. When I left just now, I realized something Derek; I realized that I was so busy playing the victim that I was wasting my second chance. So here it is Derek; if you want communication, the truth; this is me; I am somebody who is dark and twisty, likes her tequila and used to sleep with inappropriate men. I know I'm damaged, but I am trying to fix it, and I don't want to give up on us, and I don't want you to give up on us. Not now. I don't need you to breathe for me Derek, but I do need you to breathe with me because at the end of the day it's you, it's always you. I don't have a pretty speech about cheesecake and music but I am asking you one more time to choose me. I know it's going to be hard, and I know that we've hurt each other and you have every reason to run the other way, but I hope you don't."
She took a breath and sat there, she tried not to fidget, but it was hard; because now she had just put herself out there for him again and if he decided not to take the chance then she would have to live with it. She wouldn't be happy, but she made herself a promise that no matter what it was time for her start over.
Derek sat there looking at her; had she really just said that. He almost wanted to pinch himself because there was no was that Meredith, not his Meredith whom had never had a real relationship had just laid her heart out on the table; but it wasn't a dream. She had just given him one of the greatest gifts he had ever received, her trust. He couldn't fathom it, after everything that had happened she was still willing to try. Sure, she didn't swim; and he would always have a bit of fear about her letting go again. However, couldn't he sympathize, hadn't he been the one to tell Meredith that he was drowning and she was his breath of fresh air? He wanted to call himself a hundred names for all that he had put her through and he swore to himself right there that no matter what, they were going to make it through, because she was right. At the end of the day it was always them.
What had been a minute had felt like hours to Meredith sitting there watching Derek to see if she could glimpse what he was thinking. He had too good of poker face though and it wasn't until he got up to sit beside her that she realized she was holding her breath as it all whooshed out of her. Do or die time.
He sat down beside Meredith and looked at her. He marveled at how this woman who looked like a strong wind might blow her over had still managed to have more strength than most men. Even sitting there soaking wet she was beautiful and she was his. But there would be enough time to show her later, right now they had to talk.
"I'm sorry, Meredith"
Something simple could have so many different meanings and she wasn't sure if it was good or bad, but at least it was a start. He reached over and held her hands between his.
"I'm sorry that I was a coward and stayed with Addison. I know you said before that it was good that I was trying and that it was who I was, but it wasn't. It wasn't me, because if it was, when I realized at Christmas that I loved you and told Addison that fact it should have ended there; but it didn't. For that I am sorry."
She squeezed his hand urging him to continue.
"I am also sorry for the fact that I let my jealousy hurt you. I had no right to insinuate that you were a whore. I was trying with my wife and you were trying to move on but I couldn't let you. I couldn't because then that would mean that we were over and I would not accept that; and instead of doing something about it, I just lashed out and hurt you just so you would feel the pain that I felt when I saw you coming down those stairs in the t-shirt and all I could picture was him touching you with his hands and they weren't supposed to, it was only supposed to be my hands."
Her eyes were tearing up and Derek was quite sure that he had them in his eyes to, but he needed to finish because it was what she deserved.
"I know that I'm sorry isn't much considering the amount of pain I caused you but I do want you to know that I am, and I promise that I will make it up to you no matter how long it takes."
She was crying openly now as she looked at this amazing man, she didn't realize it but she had needed him to say that.
"So can I take that to mean that you're not going anywhere?"
"No Meredith, if you'll have me then there is no place else I'd want to be. You were right, we've hurt each other and we have a lot of work to do on our communicating, but I think we're going to be that couple."
"What couple?"
"The couple that everyone's envious of their connection, the couple that no matter what will always wind up back together, we're two halves of the same whole."
"Derek believes in truelove, and soulmates.." Denny's voice floated through Meredith's mind.
"You are seriously corny Derek, but I think I can handle that."
"Good because this is the happily ever after part."
"I think somebody might have told me that before."
"I'm sure that it won't be the last time you hear it either." With that he leaned over and kissed her.
In that kiss alone, Meredith felt the connection that had been missing, like she was coming home after a long journey; which in a way she was.
"So about this whole communication thing, would now be a good time to tell my boyfriend that I want him to join me in the bed naked now."
"I think that can be arranged."
They both smiled as they lay back on the bed to work on their communication with out words.
