Title: Not Another Cliche LOTR Fic
Author: The Secret Toasty Pirate, yo.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: TOAST...FRENCH TOAST...we likes toast...if you are of any intelligence, you will not click on this freaking excuse for a story. Sigh.

Author's Note: Weee!! This is, contrary to the title, somewhat of a cliche fic. I do like to believe. Though I despise and hate them, from the heart of my bottom.I must thank my dearest amigas for inspiration...Clara (Second Breakfast) and Brittany (The Witch King). And to Jeremy, the Drag Queen.

Disclaimer: WE DOESN'T OWN IT, PRECIOUS!!


Chapter One
Of Accents and Warpholes
One happy, sunny day, two girls were looking at pictures of Billy Boyd, Elijah Wood, and Orlando Bloom, respectively. Wait--never mind. Strike that. We'll make it an absolutely crappy day...with...rain...and a tornado...raging outside. And we'll add another girl in there to "odd" it up.

So anyway, these girls, they had names, as most people do. One was named Brittany Hensley. She was a Lord of the Rings freak, and also a cliche Orlando Bloom fan. The second was called Clara Metz. Like Brittany, she was a hardcore Lord of the Rings fan. Though she was more attracted to Billy Boyd. And I don't blame her. But I digress.

The last of the trio of Lord of the Rings fans was called Emily. Emily was new to the LOTR-verse, and found it all fascinating. The power Lord of the Rings had corrupted her, drawn her in, just like the One Ring. Within but a day of watching The Fellowship on DVD, she found that she could not talk about anything else.

She began reading LOTR fanfiction, in every form, with every pairing. She was particularly fond of the ever popular Frodo/Sam pairing, which opened her up into the brilliance of slash, but we won't go in to that now.

Emily even downloaded "The Steward of Gondor" song, from Return of the King, where Pippin sings for Denethor (that bastard...). Often, Emily listened to it on her iPod, on the bus, which is precisely where I am now, telling you the tale of these three girls.

So, enough about her. Oooh, Wal-Mart!! Weeee! Yes...good times...so, where was I? Of course, of course. The three girls were all "surfing the net", as some say, viewing Lord of the Rings pictures. Emily was looking atElijah Woodpictures, Brittany was gazing at Orlando Bloom photographs, and Clara was scrutinizing Billy Boyd images. I apologize for the excessive use of similes. Oh wait, just let me change this song...alright, Du Hast by Rammstein, much better.

Anyway...a pop-up suddenly (and literally) popped up on each of the girl's computers. In unison (creepy), they moved the happy little arrow cursor up to the "X" at the top of the pop-up. But curiosity got the better of them, and they decided to investigate the source of this pop-up.

The pop-up had a truly lovely picture of The Shire. The caption at the top read: "Want this as your screensaver? Click here!"

Being the die-hard Lord of the Rings fans they were, they clicked on it. Then, as all three of them had conviently read the Harry Potter books, they felt as if a hook were jerking them somewhere behind their navels...and they were also being sucked into a warphole of dark nothingness!!

None of them realised that they were all in the dark warphole of nothingness together. Untill, that is, one of them spoke.

"...Lumos!"

Of course, it was Emily. The other two girls stared frantically around in the dark.

Oh yeah, we can't see...thought Clara. "Emily?"

The one who had uttered the spell made a gurgling sound. "Si, it's me! Who doth approacheth?" Emily giggled and gurgled insanely.

"Emily, did you finally get your hands on some rum?" asked a voice. Brittany's voice, to be specific.

"Noooooo!!" said Emily.

"Why did you say 'lumos'?" asked Clara.

"I've read fanfictions like this," began Emily seriously. "The author, usually accompanied by some friends, gets sucked into a world of their choice, prefferably whichever they're obssesed with...like...Tortuga, Hogwarts, Middle Earth...and usually when they get sucked in through the dark warphole of nothingness, they are instantly armed with some sort of magical power.."

Silence.

"So are we going to Middle Earth?" said Clara, assuming a Scottish accent.

"I dunno," answered Emily. "Say, anyone have a cup of tea?"


And...that is the end...of Chapter...ONNNNNNNNE! You can review, but you must be bloody insane to. That doesn't mean you don't have to...weeee!!!! I apologize for any spelling/grammar mistakes in advance.

-Met-