I don't even know how I got in here, that fake ID that Alison got me is awful. I guess that they don't much care as long as they're getting business. There are only three other people here. Two guys playing pool and a scrawny little old man at the opposite end of the bar. I see her name pop up on my phone again and let it buzz. It's too late now, I've already fucked it up. No sense in talking it out. I stood her up again.

"One more, please." I say shaking my empty shot glass at the bar tender.

"You said that three scotches ago." He grins at me. I just stare at him with no expression. I want to be clear that I'm not here to joke or hang out. I'm here to punish myself.

I take the drink in one long swallow. The smoky undertones hit my nostrils and I feel the warmth trail from the core of my chest out towards my fingertips. I set the glass down and sigh. In a deeper sense I begin to contemplate my surroundings. How did I get here? How did my life end up here? How did I end up depending on chemicals to get me through everyday life so much that I would constantly let down the one person who means a damn thing to me?

I probably should head home. Hell I should probably call her. Either way I should stop drinking, it doesn't always mix well with my downers. Fuck it, at this point oh well. I've already lost the one person who loved me more than anyone else.

"One more last one and then my bill, alright?" I say coldly. I'll tip him extra for having to deal with me.

"I'll make it a double then. On the house." He winks at me and slides it over. I scoff. Even fate wants me to get fucked up. If I believed in fate. We all know I'm too logical for that. The only thing that I believe in is her.

That last one was enough to send my head spinning. I stand by the bar stool momentarily to steady myself before trying to take actual steps. Once I'm confident I head for the door. I hail a taxi and head home. Even fucked up Spencer isn't that dumb. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I silence it immediately. The cold glass of the window feels amazing on my head. I love the way the chemicals roll through my body, how I can feel them altering things along the way. Downers, painkillers, and scotch are a lovely mix for me tonight. I lean back on my head rest and let my mind wander.

I shouldn't be surprised that it wanders straight to her. All of that information stored up there and the only memory I care about is the long legged swimmer I've been best friends with for almost my entire life. I drift away to when we were just kids, maybe twelve or thirteen. She was at my house and everyone else had fallen asleep. She had her eyes shut next to me but I knew that she was awake. I slid closer to her not really knowing why. She had glanced at me nervously and then smiled a little.

"Em, are you awake?" I whispered.

"Yeah." She was so nervous, almost like she could hear my pounding heart and knew what I was about to do.

"Can I ask you something?" I whispered even more quietly.

"Anything." She said softly.

"Have you ever been kissed?" I asked, though I knew the answer. I still don't know what made me do it. She shook her head no.

"Me either." I said softly. I checked the other girls to make sure that they hadn't woken up. When I did she slid closer to me and I smiled in surprise. She was being so gutsy.

I considered asking her if she wanted to try it together. I considered asking if it would be okay. But the way that she had stared at my lips had felt like permission enough. I tucked her hair behind her ear and held onto her head before I slowly brought my lips to hers. I couldn't believe how soft and sweet they were.

I remember it felt like a spark went off, enough that I actually thought that I had shocked her for a moment. I had only intended to just give her that one soft little kiss. But the way that she immediately became so breathless, I became hungry for another… and then another. We even ended up letting our tongues explore each other's mouths a little. I remember feeling hot all over, kind of like the first time that I ever took a shot of liquor.

It was weird though, because for me, I hadn't ever thought about girls like that. Hell, I hadn't even really thought about Emily that way. Looking back I guess I always thought that she was attractive, she was more beautiful, more intelligent, more funny, and more kind than anyone else. I just always had a special connection to her. Which now I know why. Because she is the best and truest friend that I could ever ask for. At least, she was.

"Lady, are you going to get out of the cab and pay me or am I gonna have to call the cops?" The cab driver suddenly pulls me from my peaceful remembering and thrusts me back into the real world.

"Yeah. Sorry." I say dropping some money at him and stumbling up to my room. I can feel her presence before I open the door but I still feel surprised when I see her crying on my bed.

"Oh, Spencer." She cries out running to me and wrapping her arms around me. I stiffen instead of engulfing her in an embrace like I want to.

"Where were you? Where have you been? I was terrified that something awful had happened to you!" She is holding my face in her hands and I can't look at her. I am suddenly terribly embarrassed of my glazed over bloodshot eyes.

"I'm okay." I whisper. I don't deserve her gentle touch. She steps back slightly.

"You're drunk." She says plainly. I can't look at her.

"You missed my meet and skipped out on dinner and ignored me all night so that you could go get drunk!?" She demands leaning down to catch my eyes.

"And other things." I whisper. It's the wrong answer.

"Spencer, I thought you were hurt." Her lip quivers and I feel like I could die. I lift an arm to hug her and she pushes me causing the pills to fall out of my sweatshirt and onto the ground.

"No! Shit." I curse trying to grab them before she sees. She shakes her head and facetious laughter escapes her mouth.

"If you want that stuff more than you want me in your life then congratulations, I'm gone." Her face is fierce and it takes the deepest part of me and sends it shattering to the ground. I feel the shards twist and cut me from the inside out. I cough out a sob and for a moment I actually think that I taste blood. It's only in my mind of course. She begins to walk past me and I grab her arms desperately, finally letting the tears take over.

"Please, God, no Emily I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I'll throw them out I swear to god I swear, just please don't go." She tries to slide out of my grip and I just keep clinging to her.

"Emily, Please!" I sob and she finally can't fight anymore. She let's me cling to her neck and wraps me in her arms. She leads me to my bed where I sit and she remains standing. I hold her tighter than I have ever held anyone, burying my face in her stomach.

"I love you, Emily." I cry.

"I love you too Spence. And that's why I need you to flush that stuff. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you to this okay?" She's crying again. I walk past her and grab the bag without thinking. I dump them in the sink and turn the faucet on.

"They're gone. I need you, I don't need them. I need you so much, even more now. I would die if I lost you." Immediately after saying it, I realize that it's true.

"I'm here. I'm here." She soothes as she pulls me back into her arms. I can only stare at the sink behind her as I cry and wonder if any of the pills got lodged in the drain that I can retrieve after she leaves.