This can be seen as a stand-alone piece or a follow up from my foregoing Rookie Blue entries – either way, it's a vision of how Gail and Holly may come to pass after 5x07. Enjoy!
Wednesday night saw Gail outside Holly's front door, shuffling the heavy medical text within her grasp as she idled on the spot, biding her time.
It wasn't like she had planned this; it just sort of unfolded the next morning when she woke up, eyes quick to absorb the book at the end of the bed as she contemplated where to go from here. It was only when she made it home once her shift was complete and laid eyes on it once again that she decided enough was enough.
1) This was no time to be petty.
2) The book belonged to Holly; ergo, she should return it - especially with the hefty price tag and all.
Which happens to lead to:
3) Having to save face and act cordial about returning the book, because that's what grown-ups do - at least that's what she supposed when it concerned two consenting adults who had recently broken up. This wasn't like Chris, or Nick, or any of those that hurt her. She knew she brought this split on herself, and realizes she must own up to it. It's different this time. It's Holly. And so it was time to prove that she could be civil and behave amicably, as she went through the motions of letting Holly go. It was the right thing to do, after all.
And so here she stood, book in hand, eyes studying the door as her foot continued with its incessant tic. She hadn't felt this uneasy in a while, and it was unusual considering this place grew to be such a safe haven for Gail when she was dating Holly.
She could recount numerous nights spent stumbling toward this door, excited to enter for a night of untold delectation with Holly.
Those were the moments Gail knew she belonged somewhere, anywhere, as long as it was with Holly.
But now the townhouse stood as a foreign structure, stripped of all familiarity.
It had been too long, she had been too long, and now all that once had been memorable was no more.
A warning sign
I missed the good part, then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
"Get a grip, Peck." With a profound sigh, Gail raises her hand and hits on the front door using her signature knock. She wonders momentarily as to whether Holly would remember such a specific idiosyncrasy of hers, before shaking the thought quickly from existence - this was no time to be wistful. She feels her fingers judder before she flexes her hands firmly across the book once more, making sure to present it in front of her person as a means of conversation if all becomes awkward and quiet in ten seconds flat.
Knowing Gail's luck, it will.
The door swings open to reveal a demure looking Holly, who is quick to wrap her arms around her waist in attempt to cover and preserve what dignity she has in plain sight of Gail. It is with a rapid sweep of the eye that Gail determines that Holly must have been heading for bed, what with her black tank top she's sporting and lightly colored shorts - Holly's typical bedroom attire that Gail came to readily adore, for she could still distinguish Holly's form through the fine material – whether to appreciate the valley between her hills, or the way that her hip bones-
"Gail?" Suppose it was neither quick nor subtle after all, seeing as Holly's body language appears more self-conscious, though her eyes seem fairly relaxed with how they are trained on Gail, assessing her quietly. She pushes her glasses back into place as she leans against the door.
Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
"I uh.. Here." Gail thrusts the book out in front of her as she crumbles on the spot. It was painfully tense, or at least that's how Gail perceived this moment - and here she was aiming for casual and aloof. She can't help but feel pitiful with quiet resentment toward not being able to do as she planned. This book was her way of starting a dialogue, of trying to do and be better, and suddenly it's just all over. It was everything, and now it's nothing.
During this lull, Holly regards Gail, her eyes examining the blonde for a cool moment before she gingerly reaches out and accepts the text book.
"Thank you for returning it to me."
"No problem."
"You should come in; it's late, not to mention cold out."
"No, I-"
"Gail, we can do this now or..?"
"Right, yeah, okay." Gail nods her head resolutely before following Holly into the townhouse, closing the door behind her as she watches Holly tread into the kitchen and tentatively place the book down onto the island.
"You know, I actually noticed this book missing yesterday, so you saved me the trip." Holly admits softly as her eyes travel to the lounge, roaming futilely until they latch onto the television set. She considers bringing up the Star Wars incident that shortly followed last night's antics – but decides against it. She returns her gaze to Gail, noting how much closer she appears now, only to watch Gail turn on her heels and take a few strides back.
"Would you like something to drink? It's kinda late, but considering the circumstance-"
"Is it always this awkward?"
"Is what always this awkward?"
"Post break-up talks. I mean, I've had my fair share of breaks-ups, but I've never had to.. Talk. I don't-"
"Gail.."
When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
"Is it always this hard? Because it feels hard- it feels weird." Holly sighs as she leans back against the island, folding her arms loosely across her chest as she watches Gail pace back and forth lightly, before deciding to stop in the lounge, standing awkwardly near the couch.
Holly soon follows, taking small steps in order to prepare herself for the discussion ahead.
It's only then that she remembers the flowers Lianne had sent tonight.
The flowers on the coffee table.
The flowers that Gail was now staring at intensely.
She can't help the frown that makes its way to her face as she realizes that the coffee table was a stupid place to put them. They had arrived in the late evening, already in a watered vase, with a delivery guy that would not shut up about how sweet they are, and inquiring about who the lucky guy was. Had she not have been so startled by the gift, she would have thought of some clever retort to put him in his place, but like a dazed moron, she muttered her thanks and accepted the flowers.
And the coffee table had been their place of residence ever since.
She hadn't properly looked at the card that was attached, too deep in thought to even let that happen. Because even though she was single, available – she didn't feel it. That's why she had placed them onto the coffee table half-heartedly, that's why she could no longer view the Sunflowers with delight, that's why she was so perplexed for the rest of the entire night.
Because no matter how she saw it, the feeling gnawed deep inside her marrow until it was embedded into her heart like a parasite.
She was not over Gail.
It wasn't even a question anymore.
The flowers felt like a betrayal and everytime she would gaze upon those bright, vivid yellow blooms, all she could see was those dazzling blues – those amazingly beautiful irises that gleamed with so much emotion, that she just wished things would have worked out differently.
Yet what was done was done. She couldn't fix the damage. And no matter how much she still wanted Gail, and was admittedly not over Gail, she knew that the hurt and lasting fear was what kept her away, sound in the knowledge that she was doing the right thing. It was this logic that sought to mend every crease and tear of her heart, even when she wanted nothing more than to let her heart govern her mind – she just wasn't sure it ever would again.
For Gail may have come to the realization that she acted poorly, and even taken credit for it, but it doesn't change anything that has happened. They are still in this predicament due to Gail's force of habit, barriers and insecurities. She pushed until she made sure that Holly was on the outside, and now that she was, she found it difficult to even entertain the thought of being anywhere near, let alone inside Gail's world again.
Gail was right; this was hard - this was weird.
"I should go." Holly looks up to Gail then, noticing the freshly cultured expression, and yet for all her attempts at appearing stoic, Holly could still see the tiny embers of feeling flare in her eyes. It would be hard for anyone to detect if they didn't know exactly what they were looking for, but Holly had at this point in time a pretty good read on her. Thinking back, she had before they were even romantically involved.
But all of those aptitudes were used for something else entirely now. Before, they were used to pick apart all of Gail's wonderful complexities to show just how well they worked to compliment her and complement their relationship. Now it was purely strategic, to pick apart every little nuance like some form of cross examination in order for Holly to either confirm or dismiss the ludicrous thesis that she had helplessly conjured up during their time apart.
It was an analysis she never had to conduct when she was dating Gail, because on some level she knew, but she couldn't quite reconcile with those certainties now. So it came down to this one, imperative question:
Did Gail care?
And in this instance, Holly could see that she did.
"Clearly we don't need to have this conversation. I hope things go well with Lianne." She watches Gail storm past her, too fast for her to act, but she feels herself call out.
"Gail." The quiet request seems to stop Gail by the door, though she remains with her back to Holly. She watches as Gail quivers, her tense form battling to compose itself, as if willing to appear like she's not affected, even though they both know that she was.
"I- I am sorry, Holly. This- I know this is on me, and I accept that. I should have stayed, I should have listened, should have talked, should have.. I didn't though. And as much as I was right about saying I was a brat, what I really am- what I really failed to see, is that I am a coward. I run. I run before I'm left - but I never wanted to. Looking back now, I never wanted this. I was scared. I was a brat. I was a coward." Gail turns around then, forcing herself to look at Holly who seems to be staring real hard, concentrating on the form before her - analyzing as always with her smart brain. This makes Gail smile slightly before she exhales softly. She takes a timid step toward Holly, feeling awkward but knowing she has to continue.
A warning sign
It came back to haunt me, and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
"You made me realize that. So.. As much as this sucks, and it really does suck, I'm glad that I'm learning now. I won't make this mistake again. If I've learned one thing from this, is that I should never have run from you, Hol."
When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
Holly's eyes darken as she observes Gail, listening to and feeling every word that comes out of her mouth - words that seem to be overwhelming her to the core. She watches as Gail takes a few more steps toward to her, noting how the distance is thinning, and that Gail is fast becoming the only thing she can see.
Who is she kidding; she is always the only thing she sees.
"We may be over now, but you still matter to me. You matter in my life. You've changed it for the better. And even though I hate how it worked out and that I hurt you, I wouldn't change it. I mean, I would change the last part if I could- I really wish I could, but what I mean is, if I could go back to that interrogation room and to the moment I kissed you, I would do it all over again. I wouldn't take a second of what we had back, Holly. Not one second." Gail stands before Holly, realizing that this may very well be the last time that they will speak openly about what they were, and a part of her breaks. She closes her eyes momentarily, trying to collect her bearings, knowing that they were here because of her lack of activity, lack of belief and lack of prowess.
And maybe it was a good thing.
With this thought, Gail opens her eyes and offers Holly a small but genuine smile.
"I hope Lianne makes you happier than I ever could. You deserve the best and then some."
Holly remains quiet, if not terribly torn as she gazes at Gail, unshed tears glistening in her eyes before they make their descent down her face. Her lip trembles slightly as she tries to formulate a coherent sentence that could be spoken to Gail – anything that could suspend this moment for just a second longer.
Gail must read her mind, because she's moving closer to her, so close that she can feel her body breathe against hers. At this contact, Holly can't help but close her eyes; longing, waiting, and hoping for something momentous to happen.
And it does, in the form of Gail pressing gently on Holly's glasses until they are back on the bridge of her nose. It's so tender that Holly can't help but exhale shakily under her breath, her lids fluttering at the slightest contact that was made on her skin.
She then progresses to her cheeks to tenderly wipe away the tears.
Yet before Holly can grow comfortable with the contact, the proximity is gone, and so too, is the touch.
And I'm tired, I should not have let you go
"Take care." Holly forces her eyes open just as Gail is turning away, and instinctively finds herself reaching out and grasping Gail's wrist. It halts Gail in place, be it with a bewildered, lost look.
"Just.." She mutters hoarsely, startled by how affected she has become as she tries to breathe normally, her eyes locking with Gail's.
"Stay."
So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
Wednesday night saw Gail outside Holly's front door, shuffling the heavy medical text within her grasp as she idled on the spot, biding her time.
She could recount numerous nights spent stumbling toward this door, excited to enter for a night of untold delectation with Holly.
Those were the moments Gail knew she belonged somewhere, anywhere, as long as it was with Holly.
Apologies as always for the grammatical errors and such. The lyrics used are from the song Warning Sign by Coldplay, if you were wondering. I remembered this gem of a song and it seemed to encapsulate the passion and longing between these two, so I thought it worked well with this piece.
