This is my first fanfic - so be warned - it's likely a steaming pile of shit but I've been sitting on it for a while and want to know if it's worth continuing.
Feel free to sling me crap, or nothing at all. I've kinda proof-read it but I second guess myself on EVERYTHING soooooooo.
I'm on tumblr as aca-bhlo-me as well.
"No. It's not going to happen Ames," Beca stated firmly.
Wait, before we get too far in, lets recap:
Beca Mitchell is a short, brunette 27 year old radio presenter and part time DJ. Music is her life. It takes most of her free time in and out of work unless she's dragged out into public to get her forced quota of "fun". With so little time to spare, she rarely goes on dates. Her DJ work allows her to meet the occasional fling but that's hardly more than sex and it's only often enough to convince her friends that she's not dead.
Focused more on perfecting her craft and also finding time to come up with asinine competitions and segments for the show she co-hosts with her best friend Jesse. As much as she hates to admit it, she does have a lot of fun in her job, even if she has to spend most of her day getting shit from Jesse, getting up early for her shift (why they have to do the morning show she has no idea because mornings? yuck) or you know, being around people. They became really good friends in college after she assured him that she was gay and he dubbed himself her wing man. Eventually after graduating he managed to get an internship at the radio station and convinced Beca that it would be a good start to get her music out there. They've been working together ever since and Beca wouldn't change it (well except for those god awful movie marathons he makes her sit through for "research for the show", when really Jesse just seems to like torturing her).
Beca is currently at the studio set where her other best friend and roommate is about to film the pilot episode of her show "Fat Amy's Say Yes to this Mess" – which from the little Beca had listened to her describe, just sounded like Amy wanting to get desperate people to do ridiculous things in order to find someone (because you'd totally have to be some desperate loser to go on a Dating Show). Amy (or Fat Amy as she preferred to be called) was just about the loudest, most insane person that Beca had ever met. The overweight blonde drove Beca mad but she was the best friend she had apart from Jesse. They've lived together since college and sometimes the brunette wondered how one of them wasn't dead or in jail (again) with the amount of shenanigans that Amy manages to drag them both into.
Amy said that she had forgotten her "lucky stuffed croc" but now that she's here, Beca knows that was a load of shit just to get her here.
Which brings us back to….
"No. It's not going to happen Ames," Beca stated firmly.
"Come on Beca! I never ask you for anything!"
Beca crossed her arms in an attempt to stand her ground, "You asked me for $20 for the vending machine like 10 minutes ago!"
Amy threw on a shocked face, "Yeah but that was because there was a hungry dingo outside, it wasn't even for me."
Beca looked at her in disbelief, "Uhhhh ok then, what about this morning when you asked if I could get your underwear out of the microwave and bring it to you? Which by the way, we are throwing out the microwave when we get home."
"So, I like to have a toasty muffin in the morning, besides it's not like I have herpes."
"Wow that is so not the point," Beca narrowed her eyebrows at the blonde.
The brunette knew she had to get out and quick. She never wins against Amy because she plays dirty.
"Listen shortstack, I didn't want to have to pull out the big guns but you leave me no choice. You are going out there and helping me or I will release that video of you running around with no pants on yelling about how raccoon's stole your penis on your show's Facebook page."
Beca faltered, and Fat Amy knew she had won.
"You put magic mushrooms in the nachos! I didn't know what the fuck I was doing!" Beca shouted, trying to explain, she knew that video was embarrassing and she did NOT want that getting out.
"Ahhh I told you that they were magic nachos, what else did you want? The recipe? I definitely can't give you that, it's a family secret. My mum would shit bricks if she found out I gave it out."
Beca groaned loudly, she knew she wasn't getting out of this now, resigning herself to her fate she threw Fat Amy a glare, "If I do this, you will delete that video and all copies of it. No more using it as leverage."
Fat Amy nodded and clapped her hands, "Yeahhhh DJ! Let's get you ready!"
"Hey! What's wrong with what I'm wearing?!" Beca chased after the blonde as she walked towards the backstage.
So as it turns out, Amy didn't make her change clothes. Apparently what she was wearing was good because it "brings out the lesbian in her eyes" (Beca scoffed and rolled her eyes when she'd heard that – since when is a blank tank top under a purple and black flannel and a leather cuff on her left wrist, with dark skinny jeans and combat boots a typical lesbian outfi… oh yep. It was totally gay. Gayest of all the gays. The only thing that would make it gayer would be if she had a girl on her face, Beca will give her that). The blonde just needed her to get a mic pack attached to her jeans for the show.
The DJ saw the competition (is that what she calls them? This isn't something she wants to win, she isn't even here by choice!) while backstage as well. She's not even sure what this is going to entail, she seems to be up against a stiff looking dude, and a football player-type guy as well. She sees their name tags which say "Chicago" and "Thomas".
'Typical jock looking douchebags. I feel bad for whoever is going to end up with one of them.'
Beca pulled her phone out of her pocket to text Jesse about her sudden change in afternoon plans (at least she is getting out of a movie).
Beca: Have to bail on your snooze-a-thon tonight. Helping Amy.
Jesse: :'(
Jesse: Wat does she need u 4 Becaw?
Beca: I hate that nickname.
Beca: Filming the pilot of her show today, she was a contestant short. I was blackmailed.
Jesse: Ahhh she needed a short contestant. Explains why you are there ;)
Beca: I'm blocking your number.
Jesse: Aw Becaw don't b like that :(
Jesse: WAIT
Jesse: Isn't it a dating game show?
Beca: Maybe
Jesse: WOW Amy must have something good on u
Jesse: Is this going on TV? I have 2 watch this
Beca: No? I think it's just to present to the network to see if it's worth paying for more episodes.
Jesse: I'll see if Amy will give it 2 me.
Jesse: :O MAYB WE CAN USE IT 4 THE SHOW
Beca: NO. I swear I will burn your dvd collection.
Jesse: Fine, but I want to at least see it. Best Friend rights :D
Beca: Ugh.
Jesse: Luv u Becaw.
Jesse: This is totally going to b ur movie romance!
Beca: I couldn't be more upset at this conversation.
Jesse: Come on B! U haven't been on a date in 4eva, just have fun!
Beca: This is Amy we are talking about. I'm probably going to end up dead or in jail.
Jesse: Possibly, but u could have fun 1st :D
Jesse: Let me know how u go and tell me if I need 2 bring bail $$$
Beca: Maybe. Later Jess.
Putting her phone back in her pocket, she spots Amy coming over to her. Wanting confirmation that the show wasn't going to be aired on TV (which she now realizes she should have thought about this earlier – there is NO WAY she will be humiliated on TV), she probed the blonde for info with her eyebrows furrowed.
"So Ames, this isn't… gonna be like… on tv is it?"
Fat Amy shoots her an uncertain glance, "uhhhhh… uhhhhh, no – of… of course not, totally not at all."
Beca groans loudly, not convinced by Amy's reluctance to answer.
The crazy Australian suddenly throws out, "Don't worry your tiny body with such things. You should see the firecracker we have lined up for you guys. You are so gonna cream your jeans shortstack!"
The brunette cringed at that description, "That's a disgusting image but thank you. I'm not doing this to get a date though so don't expect anything but mild obedience of the rules, which by the way, you haven't explained to me what I have to do!"
"Uhhhh…" Fat Amy looks around and then pretends she is being called elsewhere, "Oh sorry BM, being called into the room… with the important host stuff." With that, she runs off leaving Beca alone wondering what the hell she has gotten herself into.
"Our last complete mess is from Portland. She is 27, but as tall as a 12 year old. A radio presenter by day and DJ Treble by night. It's the Big BM herself, Beca Effin Mitchell!"
Beca is shoved out onto the stage by some dude with a clipboard (which is totally unnecessary, she was definitely going to go out on stage… maybe… there was NO running away planned… possibly just hiding instead). The lights are bright and there is an audience as well which Beca guesses is for laughing tracks?
She walks over to the standing area with the 2 other suckers (contestants) – and she wages that neither of them have ANY idea what Fat Amy is capable of.
Looking around, there isn't much to see. There appears to be more stages but they are covered with curtains. Amy stands with Chica-go-away-from-me and Tom-ass (she giggles internally at her own names for them) and listens to what Amy says next.
"So fellas and bella, you are all here to try and win the affection and possibly a date from the 2nd hottest sheila in this studio tonight – the 1st being my sexy fat ass. Now the single lady, as my bff Beyoncé would put it, will not be seeing you guys just yet. If you guys can go park your butts on those seats over there, we'll bring out Chloe."
All 3 of them walk over to the seating area and the lights around them dim. There's a wall covering where she assumes this "Chloe" will be so that they can't see her and she can't see them. Amy starts announcing again when they are seated.
"So audience, our arm candy and potential date for the 3 hot messes over there, is Chloe Beale. She's 30 and from Miami originally, a vet by day and likes to sing and dance in her spare time – although I might have to challenge that as the best singer in Tasmania, with teeth. Without giving too much away let's get this ginger out here!"
There's applause from the audience and she can barely hear what Amy is saying, she doesn't really care about what's going on and just wants this to be over as soon as possible. Amy announces that the first thing they will be doing is "Blind Question time" – which apparently involves this Chloe asking them 3 questions each. Since Tom is first up, Beca has time to relax and listen to what happens (this time will be used wishing she was somewhere else and also possibly trying to not sound like an asshole when she has to answer the questions).
She hears a sweet voice start talking and it must be Chloe. She sounds…chirpy? No, that's not right… Effervescent? Maybe… Oh fuck, stop that thinking before it gets any more cliché.
'Ugh Mitchell. Just get through the game and go home. Also get drunk. And pizza, get pizza. You need to wipe this whole night from your memory.'
"Hi Tom"
"Hey Chloe" (Beca can hear a smugness to Tom-ass's voice that makes her roll her eyes)
"Let's pretend it's our first date, where would we go and what would we do?" Chloe starts the questions off with an obvious one.
Tom clears his throat and then follows with the most obnoxious answer she has possibly ever heard (including from her radio show with Jesse!) - "Well, firstly I'd pick you up in my 2017 Mercedes and take you to an expensive restaurant in the downtown area. The chef would come over and speak to us before cooking us the most exclusive dishes on the menu and we'd make everyone in the place jealous. After that I'd take you back to my penthouse and we'd see each other over breakfast the next morning if you catch my drift."
Beca could not be rolling her eyes any harder, she feels like they might roll right out of her head after this. It's quite clear that no one really can believe that Tom said that (like seriously… it has to be a joke right?).
Chloe recovers quickly and says it sounds nice, but the way she says it has Beca thinking she sounds horrified but seems too polite to call him out.
"Well, I'd jump on him after that," Amy says to fill the pause then she proceeds to tell Chloe to ask him the next question.
"Ok so Tom, if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?" Chloe sounds cheerful still but slightly hesitant, as if she is worried about what she might hear this time and Beca is positive she should be worried.
"Oh well that's easy, I'd want a smaller penis because currently it's huge and while it's amazing and works for every girl I've been with, I could certainly lose a few inches and everything would still be above average. Might even make playing basketball easier."
Beca thinks she might choke on her own laughter. She's never heard such a ridiculous statement said out loud before. Now she's positive that this isn't an actual show at all. Fat Amy must be running something similar to "Punk'd" and these are paid actors. She tries to contain her snorts of laughter as Chloe and Fat Amy start talking again.
"Ahhh… ok then, that's certainly an interesting take on the question…" Chloe says.
"So twiggy, you've found out some pretty personal things about Tom, how about we skip his last question for now before he flashes his man meat and it looks us directly in the eyes."
Beca thinks she hears a very quiet "Oh thank god" from Chloe and she smirks at that. Fat Amy tells Chicago that he's up for question time now and Beca hears him shifting to get comfortable on his chair beside her.
"Hi there Chicago," Chloe says sweetly albeit hesitantly after the cringe-fest she was just put through.
"Umm oh hi Chloe!" Chicago slightly sputters out.
"Can you please describe your perfect date?" Chloe finishes her first question to Chicago.
She hears him clear his throat, seemingly buying a little time before answering, "Oh I don't eat dates. They're wrinkly and they smell funny. I don't really know how to pick the perfect one, umm… I guess I would just ask someone."
It takes Beca a second to realise that this (too) is not a joke and when she does, she's not sure if she should laugh or go over and comfort Chloe because she clearly has the pick of the litter tonight.
'Hopefully Chloe has a good sense of humour because otherwise this is shit-fest is just sad.'
"Rightio, well it kinda looks like the lights are on but no one's home with that answer! Ahh why don't you move along to the next question ginger," Fat Amy responds before Chloe has a chance to.
"Umm… ok. Chicago, where do you see yourself in five years?"
"Oh that's easy. Definitely in a mirror. Oh! Maybe in a photo, orrrrr my selfie camera on my phone." Chicago almost sounds proud of his answer, like he's winning a quiz. Beca kinda worries that he may not even realise what this show is for. Chloe must feel relieved that at least this guy isn't a straight up egotistical, arrogant jerk because she lets out a chuckle at his answer.
"Thank you for your honesty Chicago," she states.
"Well I think we know where the next question will go, so maybe we'll just move on to the next set of questions – so shortstack you're up!" Fat Amy's announcement suddenly jolts Beca out of her thoughts and she feels anxious all over again. It's not like she has much to compete with (even though she is definitely not competing here), as long as she isn't an ass and sounds somewhat less stupid than she feels being on this show, she should be fine.
"Hey Beca," Chloe sounds a little defeated to Beca and that makes her stomach twinge a little because she sounds like a genuinely nice lady.
"Hey Chloe," if Beca is honest, she kinda wants to say more but she has no idea how she could try and comfort this stranger, she doesn't even know how to comfort her best friends!
"Ok so, my first question is: in relationships, do you like to plan the dates, be spontaneous or have the dates planned for you?"
"Yikes, you could've given me an easy one Beale," (Beca hopes it's Beale, she's pretty sure that's what Amy said. Oh god how embarrassing if it's not). Beca has to think about her answer for a minute. For some reason she kind of wants to give Chloe some hope, or at least something better than what she's been dealing with already tonight, though it's not like the bar has been set super high. "Well like Chicago, I don't eat dates – just kidding. I think a little of all 3 if I'm honest. Planning dates is nice for important events, but my friends have taught me over the years – very reluctantly on my part – that spontaneity isn't going to kill me, well at least it hasn't yet. And if my partner wants to surprise me well I'm ok with that too – as long as the surprise isn't like pushing me off a cliff. I'm afraid of heights… and death, so that wouldn't work out in my favour."
She heard Chloe laugh heartily and it made Beca smile. It felt good to make her legitimately happy, if only for a moment, she does sound like a really genuinely nice person after all.
"Well I think that was an excellent answer, thank you Beca."
"BM sounds like she's mopping the floor with these fools already," Amy snorts.
Chloe then asks Beca her second question, "So Beca, how would your best friends describe you?"
"Fat Amy, do you want to take this question for me?" Beca says amusedly.
"Shawshank is the best friend ever, especially when she goes to jail on my behalf-"
"ANNNND that's enough from Amy," Beca coughs nervously.
"Umm… there's a story behind that statement but I think my friends would say that I'm loyal – hence the jail experience – and maybe focused and honest? I mean, I've never really asked them but maybe they might also say I need a smaller penis."
Chloe bursts out with laughter (Beca can only imagine what that looks like but it puts a smile on her face). Fat Amy giggles along with her and says, "Definitely BM, you're too cocky for your own good."
"Well I'm thankful for the candor Beca. That was definitely my favourite answer so far. Maybe you and Tom can go to the same plastic surgeon for that," Chloe manages through her cute giggling.
"Great idea Beale, maybe we can get a two-for-one deal and then I'll be able to play basketball easier too," Beca says with a roll of her eyes (Tom has definitely earned more than that but she's happy that Chloe is receptive to her sarcasm at his expense).
"Smell that guys? It's a burn more extreme than the time I woke up naked sitting on a hot plate. But now I think it's time for Red over here to ask the final question for the first bloody time tonight," announces Fat Amy.
Beca feels a lot less nervous now. She hasn't humiliated herself in front of this audience and what she suspects are cameras that are taping this based on Amy's evasive maneuvering of the question earlier.
"Oh yes! So Beca, the final question for tonight: is a family something that you want out of your next relationship or in your future at all?"
"Wow Chloe, that is a loaded question. Honestly I've never been against kids but I haven't thought about it too much. I think I'd love to have them one day with the right women but I've never envisioned myself being pregnant. I don't think that is for me," Beca spouts out more personal information in that answer than she normally would allow. It doesn't feel wrong though, she's trying to forget that there is an audience and a douchebag and an idiot present. Pretending it's just her and Chloe in the room definitely helps – she's really starting to get curious about what she looks like too – not that it'll matter, this won't be the "movie" ending that Jesse is always going on about. She's a realist and she doesn't believe in fairytale happy endings, she's seen real relationships and how they end, like her parents.
"Ok I've changed my mind, that is now my favourite answer of the night Beca," Chloe sweetly states.
"Well that ended heaps better than it started I'd say twiggy. You've learned some personal – in some cases too personal – details about each of these hot messes. Normally this part would also include them asking you 1 question but since we've already risked potentially seeing more of Tom than we're allowed to show on TV, we are gonna hop like a kangaroo on steriods right on past that. Now it's time for a smash break," Fat Amy concludes the question time segment.
