Going back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am
She doesn't know if she's doing the right thing.
If leaving Jackson and resigning from Grey Sloan was the best solution.
But after months of hearing him say "go" even if what she really wanted was to hear him say "stay", she finally came to realize that his ultimatum was more of a speech about how he's given up, rather than him voicing out his frustrations so that they can work their marriage out.
In the end, she can only beg and grovel and plead so much but his mind was already set, she was left with no other choice and so, she went.
No, not back to Jordan (she's through with that), nor to another war zone (the adrenaline rush has flattened out) but rather to a place where she can lick her wounds and start all over, in order to forget that she was left behind by the only man she's ever loved her whole life, ever.
In the beginning it was not that bad because the hunt for a new job and a new apartment was a welcome distraction.
After all, there were paper works to fill,requirements to complete and contractors to meet, but at night?
At night, the pain is so intense and their memories so vivid, It was that devastating, she feels as if she has stopped breathing.
It was only Arizona who knows that she moved to Denver.
She was the only person she told because she doesn't have that many friends but she's glad that at least she has her.
"So, how's it going?"
She asked from the other end of the line when she was moving in and she was busy unpacking all her things, her call couldn't having had come at a much more unfortunate timing.
"Good. I'm good."
She replied.
Though her voice belies her words and the blonde can tell even from across the miles that she is anything but.
She chose to pretend that she didn't hear it though.
She focuses instead on telling her about all the things that are going on in Seattle.
However, habit is such a funny thing because without even thinking, the next words out of her mouth were all about Jackson and how he's been doing.
" - He's coping, you know. But now, he's always just angry or angrier or sometimes just plain mop-"
She caught herself midsentence and chastises herself for putting her foot in her mouth.
It was a little too late though.
The air of awkwardness between them was already so thick there was only dead silence when she finally stopped talking.
That is, until April started crying.
Great, heaving sobs that seemed to come from deep within her very soul that even if Arizona was just listening to her from her side of the world, it seemed to also grip her heart, it sort of also crushed her.
"Oh April, sweetheart, I- I didn't mean to! I'm sorry..."
She said.
Partly in sympathy and partly in embarrassment at being so tactless.
She sensed her trying to compose herself and she heard her trying to stifle her cries most probably in an attempted effort to appease her.
"M-M-Me too... I'm s-sorry... s-sooo sorry..."
She blurted.
And even though they were both apologetic for different things, April doesn't even have to put it in words, her friend had been there, Arizona already gets her.
It was already Autumn when Jackson heard from her again in the form of a letter.
No, not the kind that contains her regrets and thoughts and feelings, but in the form of a legal document from her lawyer that bears the title Divorce Agreement.
He almost lost it.
He knew that he was the one who sent her away and that he was an ass and he pushed her to go but goddammit, she hurt him too much, he knows of no other way, he can't bear to suffer through the hell of losing her over and over.
He just wanted her to be happy.
He just wanted to be happy.
But that doesn't stop him from expecting.
That one day, they would find their way back to each other, they would finally make it work, they can finally ride off into their happily ever after.
So, this?
This is like the final nail to the coffin that used to be called their marriage.
And he's not ready.
To see her neat scrawl and loopy signature stamped on those papers, but more so, to find her wedding ring enclosed in a pouch that she mailed alongside that of the letter.
It's unbecoming of an Avery, but he bawled like a bitchbaby.
He thought he was fine and that his life is going on swimmingly without her but seeing that ring made him feel like he was literally dying.
It's hers.
It's hers no matter what, but in a way it's also theirs and it's a reminder of happier times when there were elevator kisses and hooks for keys and leftover chicken for dinner.
That night, he fell asleep on the couch, dead drunk and clutching a bottle of whiskey.
Also, April's pillow from her side of the bed.
It still smells of her.
It still has the faint scent of her shampoo and he-
He-
He just fucking miss her.
Jo and Alex get married in the summer and everyone was there, even Cristina from Switzerland, including Ross who's tagging along beside her.
Everyone that is, except April.
Still, that doesn't keep Jackson from hoping.
Instinctively, he finds himself swiveling his head every time the reception doors open.
He was dreading the moment that she arrives if ever she does decide to come, but there was also this bursting feeling of anticipation from his chest, this overwhelming emotion of excitement.
"She's not coming".
Arizona says casually as she slides into the seat next to him at the bar and it took all of his willpower to not let the smile that he had pasted on his face falter.
"Who?"
He replied nonchalantly before taking a shot from his glass.
He needed that, he needs the aid of liquid courage.
Arizona rolls her eyes at that.
The man may be drop dead gorgeous and a brilliant surgeon but a good actor he wasn't.
"You know who"
She said.
And he can't help but wonder how they came from "babe" and "sweetheart" to the point where people they both know can't even mention her name out loud whenever he's around them.
He nodded.
"How is she?"
He asked after a beat of silence.
He could almost kick himself for showing a sign of weakness but he can't help himself, he needs to know, he wants an answer.
"Fine"
She said curtly.
And just when he thought that was all he could get out of her, the next words out of the pediatric surgeon's mouth almost made him choke on his drink, it took his breath away.
"She's still in love with you."
She shrugs as if saying that is a given.
"She misses you badly but otherwise... she's fine".
He had to swallow the lump in his throat before he replied to her again otherwise he would have started crying.
"C-can you tell her the next time you talk that i said hi?"
She stares at him intently as if looking deep into his very soul before once again replying.
"No."
She said defiantly with an annoyed expression on her face.
His shock at her answer must have been evident on his face because the next time she speaks, she was a little bit nicer.
"Jackson, she's trying".
She holds his arm and modifies her tone to that of a mother talking to her errant children.
"She's trying to move on- to get over you, so don't keep her hoping. Look, i get it that she's wrong and she gets that she's wrong for shutting you out and going away and not prioritizing your marriage but that's her way of coping. Besides, you also didn't tell her. You didn't tell her how you're grieving and how you feel and how you needed her to be here and when you finally did, you didn't even give her a chance to explain and to make it up to you because you're just so scared to be hurt that you just gave up and pushed her away. She can't help-"
She stops.
"What? She can't help what?"
He asks.
Even if he's scared shitless of what she's going to say.
"She can't help but feel that you do this over and over. Just like that time when you gave her up and started sleeping with Stephanie after her pregnancy scare and again after she confessed her feelings to you when that bus exploded. She didn't even know what's going on and by the time she did, you were gone. So you see? This thing with you two? It's a cycle. You- you just can't keep on doing this to each other".
He felt as if he's been punched in the gut.
All along, he thought that he was the only one aggrieved but how many times had it been when he was the one who walked away on her and her feelings?
"She loves you Jackson. But you also hurt her and every time she hears about you, she hurts all over again".
He knows what Arizona meant.
He got a taste of that medicine when she went back to war.
It was the same kind of heartache, the kind that ate away at him until he was unsure of what kind of man he had become.
She got a job as a surgeon at a backroads hospital and though she loves the atmosphere and the people, unlike Grey Sloan, there was nothing exciting happening, nothing mind blowing.
So imagine her surprise, when in one cold day in December, she bumps into Jackson unexpectedly, her head buried in her charts, his chest stopping her from moving past a corner.
"April?"
He asked curiously.
He was gripping her shoulders and looking at her face and already, she felt her heart racing, her body reacting to his nearness.
"Wha- what are you doing here?"
Those were the first words out of her mouth.
Even if at the back of her mind what she really wanted to say was "i'm so lonely without you, can we please start over?"
But she said that countless number of times in the past and look where it got them.
And so she pretends.
"Wha-what brings you here?"
She repeated.
Licking lips that were suddenly dry, wiping palms on her pants that all at once turned sweaty.
"Foundation work"
He said slowly as if he was still in shock and there was a tiny part of her that felt regret that he was here for Harper Avery and not really to find her.
"And you? You work here?"
He turns to look around as if it was really his first time seeing the hospital and then he turns to look at her with that old familiar knit in his brow and she almost keeled over from the longing.
She nodded.
He looked disbelievingly at her as if he cannot comprehend how she went from wanting to go to war to working in a hospital that had more nurses than they had patients.
But then, there were a lot of things about her that he now doesn't understand and so he decided to just remain quiet.
"You-you look good."
She said.
Breaking the silence that was so unbearable, it almost suffocates her.
He blinks once and then twice as if unsure that she just said what she really did and so it took him quite awhile before he can formulate an answer.
"Thanks. You too."
And he means it.
Sincerely.
She is thinner and her hair is shorter but there was a new maturity to her face that seemed to give her more character.
He knows that she is beautiful but for awhile he seemed to have forgotten just how so fucking beautiful she is that it is taking all of his willpower not to whisk her in his arms and ravage her right there in that hallway.
And yet, they just stood there in stiff silence.
Each of them not knowing what to say after all the small talk, despite the fact that there were so many words left unsaid and despite how there are so many things going on in their heads.
"Well... i have to go."
He decided to break the stalemate before he can make an even bigger fool out of himself (because doesn't he always when it comes to her?)
"I- I have a car waiting to take me back to the hotel and-"
"Would you like to grab a drink?"
She didn't know what possessed her.
To run the risk of once again getting rejected but she just wants to spend more time in his presence.
She just wants to forget that they are not anymore husband nor wife, that they're barely even friends because in reality, they are a lot closer now to not being anything at all but just two totally perfect strangers.
"I-I mean it's up to you -Or we cannot. It's just that I'm getting off in awhile and rather than being alone I thought it would just be better if i keep you company but it's perfectly okay for you to say no because it's like okay, like okayyyy, i'm just gonna stop talking nowwwww..."
She drifted off, having realized that she's rambling and he can't help but smile at that.
At the glimpse of the old April he knew and once loved (okay, loves), the one with the red notebook and the swimsuits for underwear and for awhile, he just wanted to believe that the past year didn't happen, to not think of consequences and what ifs and to just enjoy the moment even just for today, even just for this moment, even just for a little while.
"I'd love to."
He whispered before his head gets over his heart, before he can tell himself that he's once again giving her the chance to rip his emotions apart.
She looks up at him with twinkling, hopeful eyes.
"You do?"
She said breathlessly.
As if disbelieving that he would agree so easily when she was already bracing herself for soul crushing, embarrassing disappointment.
"Yep."
He said quickly before he can change his mind.
And the smile that lit up her face when she looked at him was validation enough that he's doing the right thing, maybe they can get over this, maybe they still have a fighting chance.
He doesn't even remember how they ended up here.
He cannot even recall how things have progressed from awkward silence to small talk to lengthy conversations of the past amidst shared laughter.
It felt good.
It felt good and nice and familiar that it's no wonder that one moment they were sitting in the bar of his hotel downstairs and the next they are pressed against the door of his room, lips melded together, hands clawing at each other.
There was a part of him that is still unsure if he's doing the right thing.
There was still that jaded side to him that is pretty damn sure that this will end up in nothing but disaster.
But then, there was the softness of April's flesh against his hand.
There was the warmth of her breath against his ear and her soft touch against his skin and there was no more room to think after that because all he can do was feel.
"You're so fucking beautiful"
He whispered as he lays her down and for a moment he could have sworn that there were tears in her eyes but then she reaches up to him and that thought was gone.
There was only the taste of her in his mouth and the heavenly pleasure of her skin against his skin and the sex was wild and rough and sweet and it took him sometime before he lets her find release because he just wants this moment to last.
"I love you Jackson"
She moans as she comes.
The words just rolling off instinctively from her lips and he immediately stiffens in her arms.
It was then that he saw that familiar look on her face.
That fucking expression of love and adoration which makes him feel so hopeful but also very scared and helpless and it was then that he realized that this?
That them?
They can try and try but they will never be the same them again.
"I love you, Jackson"
She whispers once again against his shoulder and he doesn't answer but instead he holds her tightly in his arms.
She falls asleep and the next morning he was gone.
It killed him to do it.
To slip out of her arms while she lies in peaceful slumber.
It pains him to walk away from her and to close that door behind him but he just do not know if he still has the capability to go through another goodbye.
He was badly crippled the first time.
He almost died the second time and he's pretty sure that he will not make it out alive if it happens again this time.
Life does go on as normal however, much to his surprise.
Sure, he's a little bit more miserable and there were days when he curses his mother for sending him off on a quest to be the savior of all tertiary hospitals, because if she didn't?
He would have never ran into April and he would never have known how much fuller her breasts are and how she's now using a different brand of shampoo that drives him even crazier than the last one and how her laugh still has the power to make him weak in the knees and that her touch still has that magic to turn him instantly insane with pure, unadulterated lust.
He doesn't tell anyone though.
About them meeting again and hooking up.
He wants to keep it for himself.
Mostly, because he wants to preserve the memory of their shared night together and also because he's pretty sure that his mom and Arizona and the rest of the girls will curse at him for being a coward despite all of his reasons because they will never ever understand.
Anyway, it's been four months and life is (almost) back to usual.
He is out running and grabbing his cup of coffee at the local coffee shop, earphones in ear and humming along under his breath to a French song that's playing on his I-pod when he sees a girl mouthing something at him from her place beside him in line.
"J'aime cette chanson"
He whips his head around to check if she was talking to somebody else but then she gives a little laugh and pointed at him and that's when he takes off his earphones because there was no doubt anymore that she is talking to him.
"I'm sorry?"
He said.
Looking flustered and at a loss and she smiles a little more at his reaction and the surprise that seemed to be etched all over his face.
"I like that song too".
She tells him and he stares at her dumbfounded.
Mostly because it's been awhile since a pretty girl has flirted with him and honestly, because he doesn't know if he's even still got game.
But then she was pleasant and charming and so drop dead gorgeous, she looked as if she just stepped out of the pages of the summer catalogue of whatever Parisian equivalent there is of Abercrombie and Fitch.
"Chloe"
She extends her hand to him in a handshake and he took it silently and she arches her eyebrow at him as if she's waiting for his next move and that's when he realized that she's waiting for his name.
"Jackson"
He said.
And she nodded before repeating his name.
As if savoring the way it sounded on her lips before giving him another smile and a small wave right just in time when the barista shouted "Next!"
"Well, see you around Jackson."
She said.
And then she walks away but not before looking back at him and Jackson wonders to himself if indeed, she really will.
Chloe and him sort of run into each other all the time.
In that same coffee shop where they met and then at his local grocery store and then they started dating and he begins to remember again how it was to have fun and to just enjoy life.
She was simple and light and uncomplicated and he never shares with her the more serious stuff.
After all, she never asks which is all good because he just didn't think that he was ready for that.
"Have you ever been that in love?"
She asks from out of the blue one lazy Sunday while they were watching the Notebook (her choice) and sharing a bowl of popcorn while lying snuggling on his couch.
It was just one question but instantly, he thinks about April.
April smiling.
April kissing him.
April laughing.
April telling her she'd go back to war.
And he almost didn't answer.
Not because he didn't want to but because he felt that whatever it is he says, it will not be an apt explanation for the depth of the love that he once felt for his now ex-wife.
"Once. Just - Once."
He whispered almost inaudibly.
And she looked as if she wanted to say something more but instead she just nodded in understanding.
He was thankful that she stopped at that.
He was grateful that she didn't prod.
He has not thought of his ex-wife for awhile, but just the fleeting thought of her is enough to make him want to break down in her arms.
Arizona finally gets a much needed break and she visits April in Denver.
She didn't know how much she missed her friend, not until she was there and they were finally talking, not over the phone this time but face to face and in the flesh.
It was during one of those nights when she was staying with her that she finally heard the words that she's been dreading.
It was the reality that she has long ago braced herself to face but when it finally came it still felt like a punch in her gut, it still stung like a resounding slap to her face.
"I just don't understand why you're still not dating!"
Arizona said with conviction.
She looked a little bit drunk on the wine that they have been sharing and April cannot help but laugh at her exaggerated pitying expression as she wrestles the bottle from within her tightly gripped fingers.
"Stop! I'm not even looking!"
She said in between bouts of laughter and Arizona rolled her eyes at that.
"So you'd just let him move on and have all the fun dating this French bimbo while you-"
April stares at her.
"What?"
She asked in a whisper.
Her voice trembling, all traces of laughter gone.
Arizona bites her lip and curses under her breath.
"Fuck! April- "
She hesitated.
Unsure if she should be the bearer of bad news while April looks patiently at her, nervously waiting.
"Jackson, he's- he's seeing someone."
"Oh."
She whispered.
She heard it the first time but she so badly wanted to believe that she just heard it wrong.
And so she puts up a strong front.
She pretends that she's okay with it and that it doesn't hurt, but her chin was already quivering, her heart already feels like it's being torn apart.
"I'm sorry April."
Arizona said sympathetically. She put her hand comfortingly over her shoulder and April felt tears dampen her cheeks but she still manages to look at her friend with a shaky smile.
"No. Don't. I'm- I'm glad you told me."
She said unconvincingly, but in a way she is.
Because maybe now she'd have a reason to hate him.
Because maybe now she can resent him for sleeping with her and then leaving without a word only to move on to screw some other girl.
She was not even mad that night when he was gone the next day.
Somehow, after what happened between them, she had this stupid belief that they just needed time and space and that when they're all healed, they will always come back to each other.
But this?
This kills her hope and faith in them.
On the me and you and the even the things he don't like, he loves.
So screw him.
Screw Jackson Avery and his deadly green eyes that makes her want to drown herself in them.
"Jackson's a shithead."
She muttered under her breath and Arizona playing the role of loyal friend couldn't agree with her more.
But even that could not appease her.
Maybe she's doomed.
Maybe no matter what shitty things that shithead does, she's just fated to love him her whole life and then some more.
The moment that Arizona went back to Seattle, she buries herself in work.
She takes on extra shifts and she stays for 36 hours in the hospital, because it's better than thinking about Jackson, it's more ideal than staying awake at night and imagining if his new girlfriend can also make him smile the way that she can only do in the past.
At the end of the week, she was looking haggard.
The lack of sleep was already taking a toll on her, but damn it, she is a soldier and so she will do whatever it is that she must.
"Dr. Kepner"
The nurse behind her calls her name and she takes a moment to pause and turn to face her as she was doing her charts.
"New patient on bed 6, lacerations from broken glass, hand needs stitching".
She nodded.
"On it."
And she makes her way to the bed, barely even giving the patient a second glance as she sits down and introduces herself.
"My name is Dr. April Kepner, now, what do we have here?"
She mutters as she turns the masculine hand in her palms, her brow knitted in concentration as she examines the cut.
"Sgt. Kepner?"
Her patient seems quite unsure but she whips her head up at that.
It has been a long time since she's been called by that title.
It's been awhile since anybody has addressed her with Sgt. rather than Dr. and the man who just did was smiling gorgeously at her with his jet black hair and straight white teeth and dazzling, mesmerizing, to die for eyes and that handsome face is distracting her.
She looks at him with a confused expression.
He looks familiar and she's sure that they met when she was deployed but she just cannot place him no matter how hard she tries.
"Capt. Jake Montgomery"
He sticks out his good hand to her in a handshake and when she was still just looking at him all perplexed, he chuckles.
"The shampoo?"
And then she remembers.
How in during one of the most depressing days she's ever had while they were in the war zone, Hunt and her were lounging around just watching all the other soldiers open their care packages and then she unknowingly voiced out loud that she will kill for a bottle of shampoo.
"Oh my God!"
She exclaims. Her face breaking out in a smile as she recalls how he walked up to her wordlessly and just left a bottle of shampoo on their table.
"Gosh! That was like ages ago! How did you remember?"
He smiles back at her and she wonders how she could have ever forgotten such a gorgeous face although she knows that it's because at that time she has eyes for no one else but Jackson.
"How could i forget? You're the most beautiful thing in that God forsaken desert".
He said casually and she tucks her hair behind her ear consciously.
She's probably a mess with her unshaved legs and her dark circles that probably go on for days but he's making her feel pretty and it's just - it's just been a long time since anyone made her feel that way.
"So what will we do about my stupidity?"
He said teasingly as he waved his injured hand in front of her face.
"Oh! Oh."
She exclaims and she blushes as she starts treating his hand and he's making her feel like a schoolgirl in the throes of her first crush and she imagines all the ribbing that she'd get if this happened in Grey Sloan and if Cristina or Meredith was there.
(Except the crushing wouldn't probably even happen because Jackson will also probably be looking on at her with his grumpy face).
She can't help but give a bittersweet smile at the thought.
"So about that shampoo?"
Jake said from above her bowed head, breaking her out of her reverie.
"I don't normally just give such a treasure away so maybe, it's about time you pay me back with a coffee date?"
And she lifts up her head to look at him and he's just so confident and so charming and he looks so sincere, it didn't take much to convince her self that it's about damn time she sees other people, perhaps Capt. Jake Montgomery is just what she needs.
He's having a bad day.
With Chloe pressuring him to move in and with his mother yapping at his heels to be more involved in board matters, he's veritably about to explode.
"Today is going to be a long day" he thought to himself as he entered the residents lounge.
He hangs his clothes but he was distracted by Alex, Maggie, Callie and Meredith who are sitting together and huddled together like a couple of school girls while looking over Callie's I-pad screen.
"What's going on?"
He asks casually.
They raised their head in unison when they noticed his presence and they all turned to look at each other as if he caught them doing a bad thing but he has no time for fun and games so he just walked over and grabs the I-pad from Callie even before any of them can do anything.
"Don't!"
Meredith exclaims but it was much too late.
It took a minute before the vision in front of him sank in.
There in all its glory was a photo of April wearing a pink bonnet and a pink scarf, her cheeks all red and flushed from the cold as she laughs and smiles delightfully.
And she was not alone.
She was looking lovingly at a guy who has his arms around her and they seemed so wrapped up in each other and the caption above the picture says that April Kepner is in a relationship with Capt. Jake Montgomery and just reading those words makes Jackson feel as if he is being literally fucking destroyed.
He returns the I-pad to Callie wordlessly.
He puts on his scrubs and then his blazer and then he opens the door without another word and Meredith nudges Alex and so he follows him.
"Man, you okay?"
He grabs his arm and Jackson laughs humorlessly.
"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"
He shrugs his shoulders like he couldn't care less but then Alex mentions her name and he feels like his legs are giving in and so he sits in an empty gurney and he must have looked devastated because Alex sits beside him.
"She's in love with someone else, man"
He whispers.
"But you are too."
Alex replied.
And he lets out a hollow laugh and cradles his head in his hands and it took him a couple of seconds before he can look at Alex and give him a reply.
"Not really. Not like this. Not like her."
And he knows of no other way to console him but through patting his shoulder.
"Who knows? Maybe she isn't either?"
Jackson shakes his head.
"She looks happy. She looks like she's finally at peace and she looks like she's happy and she- she loves him and -"
His voice breaks.
"- and I love her. I still fucking very much love her."
He says despite the lump in his throat and damn if it does not feel good to say it.
To let the words out that he's been too scared to say but this heart break is not worth it and he realizes that if it was still true to this very day after three and a half years and two break ups, then he is being unfair to Chloe and to any other girl that he'd have a relationship with.
He'd never love anyone else with the same intensity and the same passion.
He'd never love anyone else the way he does April.
How could he when she already have half of his heart, when that part of him is already hers and not anymore his for him to give.
