iThink I Might Be
It was funny in a tragic kind of way that I was in this situation, I thought to myself as I leaned against the cold tile wall. Everything in my life was going well so it should be no surprise to me that the universe would start screwing with me again. I slid down to the floor and placed my head in my hands thinking of all the possibilities. I thought about my career, Carly and Freddie. Wondering to myself how something like this could change all of our lives. But for me little was changed in this moment. I was just defaulting to my normal self: a scared little girl who felt alone. My mind continued to wander into many different scenarios and just as I was about to let my imagination get out of control the timer on phone went. Has it already been ten minutes, I thought? How could time be both short and long simultaneously? I gathered my nerve and made my way to my feet not knowing what I was in for. It had only been a month and a half since I stood at a crossroads in my life. I had no idea that I would already be at another. I slowly made my way to the sink and reached out to pick up the stick. Just then there was a knock on the door.
"Sam. Are you in there? It's Carly."
My heart rate sped up as panic began to take roots. The air grew denser from the automatic air freshener and I began to feel nauseous. Not again, I thought over and over to myself.
"Sam. Are you alright?"
Before I could answer her I rushed back to the toilet and thrust my head in. As my face hovered inches above the water Carly opened the door and walked in. I was too weak to stop her, but I was going to need to find some strength somewhere. Especially if there was a plus sign on that pregnancy test.
It was a great night. Freddie and I had flown down to L.A. for the premier party for Carly's show. Lots of powerful people were in the room and everybody was raving about her show. I always knew Carly would do great things, but this night was important for me as well. To start my print ads for her show were plastered all over the place and if the studio liked them it could lead to more opportunities. This was also the first time Freddie and I had seen Carly since reconnecting at the class reunion. Neither of us knew how she would react, but we knew she was our friend and she was professional, so any objections would be reserved for a more private time. But the news that was potentially the biggest was the announcement that the three of us were going to do a limited run of iCarly reunion shows. When it was announced the room erupted in applause. It had been a long time since I felt like that. As we were mingling Carly made her way over and we began to talk about a lot different subjects from what old skits we should do to what guest we should bring on. We continued to talk and laugh as if nothing had changed in all these years. Suddenly there was the sound of silverware gently tapping on fine crystal. The crowd began to quiet down with anticipation. Carly's co-producer, who I thought was also her boyfriend, decided to toast us.
"I have known Carly Shay for eight years", he started. "But that is not nearly as long her two best friends have known her. They have been there for each other through thick and thin and I think it's great that they are reuniting officially one last time to give us more iCarly. As far as friends go we should all be so lucky."
He raised his glass.
"To Carly", he gestured. "To Freddie and to Sam."
As he said my name I was overcome by a terrible feeling of nausea. I didn't know what caused it. Perhaps it was our main course that night: foie gras en anglais. I love meat of all kinds but that was outside of my realm, I thought. As everybody downed their champagne, I sat mine down and made my way to the bathroom. As I walked and my nausea worsened, I took in the opulence of the building. The walls were lined with wood grain and gold inlays. As a girl who grew up relatively poor I realized that I wanted this. I wanted the money and power. But, I would balance it with the simple things like love and friendship. It felt like the trek to the bathroom took forever. Luckily I made it there just in time to throw up.
Three days had passed and I was still getting sick every day. The first day there was a very important investors meeting and I had to ask to be excused. The second day I was late to iCarly rehearsal because I was holed up in the bathroom. Carly and Freddie both told me to go to the doctor but I simply didn't have the time. On the third day I had another meeting with the investors to finish up the business we began earlier. I thought I had finally shaken the stomach bug that had been plaguing me, but as we were wrapping things up once again I began to feel nauseous. I hurried to the bathroom and again threw up. At that point I started to get scared and I promised myself I would see a doctor. I struggled to my feet and walked over to the sink to freshen up. Out of the corner my eye I spotted another woman in the restroom. I recognized her from the meeting. She approached and started a conversation.
"Hey there, Sam."
"Oh. Hi Karen." I said in a feeble tone.
"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine. I've just been ill the last few days."
"Well, I think you will be fine."
"I hope so. But, what do you mean?"
"Oh, I just mean that I got sick everyday for six weeks when I was pregnant." She said as she walked out.
Every part of my body simultaneously began to tremble and I looked in the mirror then choked out the word 'pregnant'. I quickly cleaned my face and headed to the parking garage and drove the rental car to the local CVS. In what seemed like ten seconds I was in and out with a pregnancy test in tow. I drove back to Carly's house. Carly was at the studio and would not be home for a few hours and Freddie was in a meeting at the L.A. offices of Pear Company for at least another two hours. That evening we were supposed to shoot the first installment of the iCarly reunion and I thought I had time to take the test alone.
"Sam, are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. What are you doing here so early?"
"You don't look fine and I wrapped things up early at work so I could come and hang out with you guys before the shoot…. You're still sick Sam. I told you to go to the doctor."
I flushed the toilet and turned around to face her. Carly backed up and knocked the test into the sink.
"Oh, what's this?"
"Carly! Don't look at that…."
"Oh my God, Sam"
"Don't tell me what's on it. I haven't seen it yet and frankly I'm not prepared yet."
"Its ok I didn't either. I just know a pregnancy test when I see one. Why didn't you tell me that you think you might be pregnant?"
"Carly, I didn't even think about that possibility until today. I'm just trying to figure out how. Freddie and I always protect ourselves." I said with a sigh.
"Well, if you are pregnant it is Freddie's? Right?"
"Of course it is. Before we got back together, it had been over a year since I had sex."
"Wow…. Over a year."
"That's all you have to say." I said with a half smile.
"I'm just saying that's a long time. But seriously when do you think it could have happened?"
"I honestly don't know. We are so careful. Holy shit!" I said with my voice trembling with fear.
"What? Did you remember something? Carly said.
"Yes." I said. "At the high school reunion Freddie and I hashed out all of our unresolved issues and realized that we were still in love. The passion overcame us both and we had spontaneous sex in the stairwell."
"Oh God Sam. The stairwell?" She said as I nodded. "Well whatever happens I will be here for you like I've always been."
"I appreciate that Carls. I just hope that if I am, Freddie will be understanding."
"Why would you even say that? There is no way Freddie would not be supportive."
"Don't get me wrong, Carly. Freddie is the greatest person I know and the love of my life, but things are different. He is a very important person in Pear Company and I don't know how the board of directors would react to one of their young rising stars knocking up his girlfriend." I said as I began to cry.
Carly approached and hugged me.
"Oh Sam, Freddie doesn't care about any of that. He loves you and if you are pregnant he would not only be supportive, he would be overjoyed."
"How do you know that? How do you know that everything is going to fine? My life was finally starting to look promising and just like every other time something goes right I find a way to screw it up."
"Well, this how I know what Freddie is going to think and do. Over the last several years Freddie would call me and the first thing he would ask me is: How is Sam doing? He only wants you and everything that comes with it and you haven't screwed up anything. All the things you want to do are still there. You just can't get down on yourself and always expect the worst."
"You know if I am pregnant, you are the Godmother." I said with a laugh.
"I would be offended if I wasn't…. It's time to look Sam."
"I know."
I made my way over to the sink as Carly stepped aside. I picked up the test stick, took a deep breath, and then looked down.
"What does it say?" Carly chimed in eagerly.
I slowly turned around and looked Carly in the eyes and said solemnly,
"I'm pregnant."
