A/N: We're back baby. Yup that's right Fri & Pinko have returned (if you wanna know what happened to us…and my unfortunate muse check the bio). So here is our own brand of not-so-funny humour. We will be popping in chatting throughout this fic…whether you like it or not. So get reading and please review, well make you cookies if you do.

'Pah speak for yourself'

That's Pinko…and I'm truly sorry for inflicting her onto the world.

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Chapter 1:

Every Time You Masturbate, God Kills A Kitten…

So you've read this far and the title of the fic and the first chapter hasn't put you off…YOU ARE A SICK PERVERT…I'm just messin with yah. If you are thinking that Harry and Ron are stuck together by magical spunk then I'm afraid you will be very, very disappointed I just wanted to have a sick and twisted opening chapter title…

Harry and Ron had been inseparable since their first year at Hogwarts. As soon as the two 11 year old cherubs shared that wonderful train ride together ow so many years ago they knew they would be friends forever.

Or at least that is what they and many other keen observers of there bond would have gathered.

It all began one hot summer's day in potions class…

"Mr. Potter…"

That voice, that voice that had scarred so many children's lives. That voice that had led so many teenagers straight into therapy. That voice that had filled so many young impressionable minds nightmares. Ok to be fair it wasn't exactly his voice…I mean how many people are afraid of someone's vocal tone. It was that wicked tongue that was feared world-wide, and it was right in Harry's ear…

'What, why does Snape have his tongue in Harry's ear?'

'It's not in his ear, and thank you so much for giving away who 'the voice' is'

'But you have written…it was that wicked tongue blah blah and it was right in Harry's  ear…ow and you hardly have to be Miss Marple to figure out it's Snape'

'No, no, no, I meant Snape's voice is in Harry's ear'

'Ow…so we don't get no hot Snape on Harry action'

'No Pinko'

'You such…so bad'

"Yeah" Uttered Harry (in a very impertinent tone.)

"Don't speak to me in that impertinent tone boy" Snape spat at Harry.

'Dude, he spits on his students that's not right'

'Shut up Pinko'

"Sorry sir" Harry stated without so much as a hint of meaning.

"Mr. Potter, what is the main ingredient in a Merger potion?"

"Um…arsehole" Harry muttered.

"WHAT?" Screeched the enraged Potion Master.

"I said asphodel" Harry said more audibly, desperately trying not to repeat his last comment.

"Congratulation Mr. Potter you have just created mustard gas, now would someone with half a brain like to answer me"

Without failure Hermione's hand shot into the air. During every class there is one thing you can count on and that is Hermione's hand will go up and down faster then a tarts draws.

"Anybody" Snape said purposefully ignoring Hermione while a cruel smile forming at the side of his mouth.

Hermione vigorously wiggled in her chair, her arm swinging from side to side desperate to catch Snape's attention.

"I didn't think so" Snape said maliciously.

"The main ingredient is…"

At just that very moment Ron sneezed in Harry ears.

'Ow poor boy he's had a tongue and snot in his ear all in the space of 1 chapter'

'PINKO"

"RON, yuck geez boy what the hell is wrong with you?" Yelped Harry.

"I dunno" Replied Ron looking at Harry like a cow would an on coming train.

"It was a rhetorical question"

Ron-cow-on coming train…again.

"R-H-E-T-O-R-I-C-A-L…never mind" Harry utter, he wasn't in the mood to crack open his Oxford Dictionary.

As Harry wiped the remaining traces of snot and phlegm out of his ear Ron mixed the ingredient.

"Um, Hazza what did Snape say the main ingredient was?" Said Ron confused as ever.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me Hazza?"

"I dunno" Cow-train expression.

"Oh no we're not getting into that again" Harry said exasperated.

'Something I probably should have mentioned was that earlier in the year Ron had an unfortunate accident. Ron decided to follow Harry to Quidditch practise one day, as Harry tore through the sky Ron tracked his ever move (much like tennis watchers do). However as Harry performed a very risky sudden turn Ron slammed his head right into the pillar he was unfortunately standing next to. Breaking his fragile little brain for good. Harry found that treating Ron like a puppy very effective when ever he got to tiresome, every time he got on Harry tits he would smack the feeble boy on the nose and shout 'NO'.'

Not wanting to suffer the Potion Masters wrath Ron grabbed the first thing to hand: Grindilow Powder. (Can you tell I'm making this up as I go along?)

And liberally added it to the mix. Suddenly a huge cloud of yellow smoke rose from the cauldron, within seconds the entire class room was full of the foul smelling concoction.

However, within these few short seconds a mass panic had engulfed the class. And during the mad rush for the one and only exit some bright spark had yell 'Ah mustard gas'. Harry thought that it sounded a lot like Ron's voice but the aforementioned redhead was clutching onto him so tightly he couldn't get a good punch in.

"Come on Ron, move it" Harry yelled.

However Ron had somehow slid to the floor and wrapped his arms around Harry's legs. Harry tried to take a step forward but only succeed in falling head first into the smoking cauldron. He screamed in pain, the potion wasn't at all painful but Ron had been pulled forward along with Harry and at the moment he had his knee in Harry's…delicate area.

As Harry struggled to get out of the cauldron, Ron squirmed next to him. Somehow they had managed to position themselves back-to-back…but still inside the cauldron.

It was at this moment that Harry realised that every time he moved Ron came with him.

'Hee hee…Ron came with him'

'PINKO, this isn't one of THOSE fics'

Several readers press back space and search for some hot Harry/Ron slash

'OK OK maybe it is…in later chapters'

'Good girl'

'Don't push me Pinko'

Now Ron was never very co-ordinated before the 'incident' and since then he had found it difficult to even slouch without falling off his chair. So Ron mimicking his ever move meant that something was very very wrong.

Just then Snape returned to the room and dragged the boys out of the cauldron. With one flick of his wand and a few impressive Latin words that I will never bother to add to this fic the smoke was gone.

"Well Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley I think you have some explaining to do" He said in a deadly…way.

'Ow dear no running out of inspiration already are you?'

'Pinko, I swear to the gods…'  

Harry was just about to blame it all on his dim witted side kick when he realise that he and Ron were still leaning back-to-back. As he moved to get up Ron came with him…

'Hee…'

"What the hell?" Harry exclaimed.

Harry was worried, Ron was not and Snape had a gleeful expression on his face…

Next Chapter:   'So She Was Like 'Uh-Huh' And I Was Like 'No Way'…'

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A/N (again sorry): K so this is my first fic in a long time, I know the first chapter isn't funny but please bear with me it will get better I promise. Also if you have any suggestions as to what YOU would like to happen slip it into your review.