Walk Softly
By L. M. Boulevardes
Chapter I: Bang
Oh-yes, oh-yes
oh-yes we both –
oh yes we both.
oh yes we both.
reached for the –
gun.
(the gun
the gun
the gun).
oh yes we both
reached
for the gun.
~ We Both Reached for the Gun, Chicago.
Oh-yes-oh-yes-oh-yes they both reach for the gun, but Rachel is quicker and gets it before Quinn does and shoots her brains out anyway. Then the gooey red matters splatters everywhere, and Quinn is horrified because it's all over her and covering her like a stigma. It stains her white dress and blond hair and white skin and it feels like it's sinking in, like it's going to seep through her skin and become a part of her and never ever come out like the bloodstains on her underwear after her first period and the bloodstains on her mother's jacket after she gave birth.
The room smells like smoke and Quinn thinks it might choke her, it's so smoky and chalky and awful in her nose and tickling down her throat. The gunshot is ringing in her ears, and she stands there in shock, looking through the goo on her face down at Rachel's abused body, her hair all messed up now and her clothes stained. And it's weird, because Quinn always knew Rachel to be neat and organized and never, ever show up stained or messy so now that she's a lump on the ground it's unnverving, and it's scary.
That's the thing that makes Quinn start screaming. Because she's never going to see Rachel in one of her stupid yet cute animal sweaters, and she's never going to hear Rachel sniff and start listing all the reasons why she's superior to everyone in Glee (and, okay, everyone in general). She'll never see Rachel strut down the hall with her shoulders back and head held high like nothing is wrong and everything is wonderful, like she's the Queen of the world or better yet, captain of the Cheerios. Rachel will never do any of these things because Rachel is dead, and it's all her fault because Quinn wasn't fast enough to grab the gun from her.
Oh God, oh God. This is her punishment, surely. This is because she went and fell in love with Rachel and it's a sin, her mother was right after all. She had thought maybe her mother could be wrong, because she got herself pregnant and hey, there were some good things that came out of that. Even if she had to leave her home because it was a sin to have sex before marriage and she broke that, some good things happened. It's also a sin to fall in love with another girl and she, Quinn, is a sinner of the worst sort.
Maybe this is her punishment for having sex, delayed. Or it's the worst kind of punishment – they let her have a taste of happiness and now it's being taken away from her. God, (don't take the Lord's name is vain, sinner!) she's so sorry. Why Rachel? Why did Rachel have to die, Rachel who is perfect and wonderful and – and so much better than she is. She should have been trying to bring Rachel to Jesus – Rachel wasn't even a Christian, so this must have been a test and Quinn has just failed –
She hears footsteps that shatter her thoughts, sending it all into a million pieces so her mind is blank blank blank. "Quinn – oh my god!" Mr. Shue exclaims as he stumbles into the Glee room. He looks around with wide eyes at bloody Quinn, who's standing there screaming at the top of her lungs with her eyes closed hoping that if she screams loudly enough she'll wake herself up with this awful nightmare. "Quinn, Quinn!" he calls. She can't really hear him and she doesn't want to because that might make this real and oh God this is really happening, isn't it?
Oh God oh God oh God.
(Don't take the Lord's name in vain, Quinn, it's a sin.)
The silence feels heavy when Quinn finally runs out of breath and stops screaming, and for a moment they stand there, looking at each other as Quinn catches her breath. Then she runs over to Rachel's side and starts shaking her and trying to wake her up.
"Come on, Rachel, please," Quinn begs, more blood leaking over her. It's so red it's so red. "Come on, wake up, come on, this isn't funny anymore, don't do this to me," she says, holding her close. Mr. Shue comes up behind her, putting his hands on her shoulder. "Come on, come on – "
"I think we need to go now, Quinn," he says gently. He tugs on her shoulders but she pulls out of his grin, shaking her head. She won't cry, not yet. This isn't happening, this isn't real –
She awkwardly hugs Rachel, who is lying in her arms and is already getting so cold, feels so heavy and gone. And Quinn tries to kiss her but her lips are rubbery and she doesn't response and this just makes Quinn cry, putting clean streaks through the blood that mares Rachel's (beautiful, exquisite, perfect) face. So Quinn licks her thumb and starts cleaning the blood off, because no one should see Rachel this way (she wouldn't have liked it).
"Quinn, we're going now," Mr. Shue says, pulling her arms away from Rachel's (body). She can't move, she's so scared and so numb and so sad. All she can think is please open your eyes, but that doesn't happen. Chocolate and coffee will always taste bitter to her after this day, their color a too-painful reminder. Cinnamon is worse; cinnamon will make her break down crying. "Come on." Quinn cries as he heaves her up, pulling her out the door. There's blood on his clothes too now, and Quinn can't stop staring at it because this is real, this really happened, Rachel's dead and there's nothing she can do about it.
"It's going to be okay," he says, the door shutting behind them as they leave. He pulls down the window shade and locks the door, then puts an arm around Quinn and rushes her to the main office. He puts his jacket around her shoulders, and she hides under it because she can't imagine that people won't react to seeing a girl covered all in blood. She hugs the jacket tightly, sorry that she's getting it dirty and grateful for his steady, guiding presence.
"Shuester, what are you doing with Mommykins?" Sue asks, appearing out of her office like a phantom. Quinn screams and Sue has the surprising humanity to look concerned. "Oh god, is that blood?" Don't take the Lord's name is vain, it's a sin.
"We need to call nine-one-one – although – " He cuts himself off when he sees the look on Quinn's face. "We need to call nine-one-one," he says quietly. "And don't let anyone in the Glee room, I'm taking Quinn with me," he tells her. Sue just nods, because even she doesn't have a quip for a girl covered in blood.
"I'll go guard the Glee room," Sue says. And she takes off, too bad at tangling herself in emotions to deal with the waves of sadness that are coming off of Quinn in droves. "You might want to clean up, Quinn," she adds softly. Quinn doesn't respond, just stares after her as she leaves. Like everyone else.
"Come on." Mr. Shue is like her guardian angel as he takes control, bringing her to the nurse's office and sitting her on the table. He pulls a hot chocolate packet from a drawer and sets some water to boil, and she wants to tell him that chocolate only fixes bad things in Harry Potter and this is real life. Something stops her though, and instead she just sits there, her stomach one big awful lump in her hips.
"I'm going to call Ms. Pillsbury, and she's going to stay with you until the police come. They're going to want to talk to you, but I'll try to hold them off as long as possible, okay?" Mr. Shue says as he gives her to hot (awful) drink that reminds her of the color of Rachel (sweet) skin. Quinn takes it and says nothing, staring into the steam. "She'll help you get cleaned up too," he adds. She nods again and takes the tiniest little sip of hot chocolate so that Mr. Shue will feel better and feel less helpless because hey, why should both of them suffer?
He stands in the doorway and calls Ms. Pillsbury on his cell phone (how does he have her number anyway? Nevermind, she can't think about that right now). Then he stands there, not talking to her (not that she can speak anyway) and when Ms. Pillsbury comes he squeezes her shoulder like they're passing a baton. She nods, holding his gaze steady with a strength Quinn didn't think she had. Then she slips into he room and Mr. Shue closes the door behind him with a finality that makes Quinn jump. The hot chocolate splashes on her fingers and she can already feel its stickiness starting to percolate.
"Hi, Quinn," Ms. Pillsbury says. She gets a wet paper towel from the sink and with gentle hesitancy goes to wash Quinn's face. But Quinn flinches away and swats at her hand, shaking her head.
"It's the only part of her I have left," she whispers, beginning to shake. "Please don't." She can't explain this morbid thing in her head, this need to hold onto this last part of Rachel, but for some reason she can't let go and get cleaned up. She starts crying again and she can't stop, and the tears are doing with Ms. Pillsbury wanted to do but she wants everyone to see her covered in blood. She wants them to bear witness for the awful things they did to Rachel – and she wants to punish herself for the awful things she did to Rachel.
"Quinn, do you want to talk about anything – about how you feel? What happened?" Ms. Pillsbury asks, gently squeezing her shoulder. Quinn hiccups.
"I'm so sorry," she whispers. She is so, so sorry. She really is.
