Non-Uchiha Massacre. Minato, Neji and Itachi all survive and live. AU. Slight Crack.

...

It was a dark and stormy night—as the old adage went, Minato thought to himself sarcastically. Indeed, the rain had not let up the entire day, and the storm showed no signs of calming down even as night fell. The winds were reaching typhoon-level ferocity, and Minato could feel the gale buffeting him slightly off course as he flitted through the rain-soaked streets. In a narrow alley, he ducked into a small bar.

The inside was lit with hazy lamps and a burly bartender was serving the small group of patrons gathered around the bar. Minato gratefully shook off the rain from his clothes and hair and approached. The bartender glanced up and nodded his way. Minato was pleased, as always, for the bartender's casual discretion despite the fact that the Hokage himself was stopping by for a drink at the rundown establishment.

"One cutty sark, neat," Minato requested, taking a seat. He shook off the last of the rain from his haori, noting with some annoyance how faint mud stains peppered the garment.

He carelessly glanced to his left and with mild surprise, found himself seated next to Hyuuga Neji, who was in the midst of drinking a tall glass of beer.

"Neji-kun." Minato decided to take the initiative and open up conversation with the young Hyuuga. After all, he hadn't had many chances to carry a conversation with him, and as leader of the village, Minato felt it was his personal responsibility to get to know his fellow shinobi. "How's it going?"

Neji turned, a little startled. "Hokage-sama." He bowed slightly. "I didn't expect you to come here of all places."

Minato smiled slightly. "The paperwork at the office is piling up, but I needed a break from all that writing. Naruto is gone on a mission and Kushina is…Well. It's that time of month for her, so I think I'll be avoiding the house for now." He chuckled lightly.

"Ah." Neji nodded. "How is Naruto doing? I haven't seen him lately." Bringing up the subject of the blonde shinobi made him look even more morose, Minato thought to himself.

"He left on a mission a couple weeks ago, I believe. Kakashi took him and Yamato out to the Hidden Sand Village again." Minato regarded the young jonin carefully. "Neji is something the matter?"

Neji looked away and was quiet for a moment. "I haven't been on a mission in three months now. It's…bizarre," he muttered.

"I thought it was because you were still recovering from your injuries?" Minato ventured. He had heard that both Naruto and Neji had been injured in their last mission together several months prior. While Naruto had gone on to make a full recovery, Neji apparently was still having trouble regaining full motion to utilize his Gentle Fist Taijutsu. He still had weekly sessions of physical therapy with the pink-haired medic from Naruto's old genin team.

"I'm fine. Guy Sensei is being over-protective." Neji tried and failed miserably to hide his exasperated grimace.

The bartender strode over and set Minato's glass in front of him.

"Well," Minato smiled, trying to make light of the situation. "Cheers to taking breaks." He took a sip of his drink and watched Neji out of the corners of his eyes. To his mild alarm, he glimpsed Neji chug the entire contents of his beer glass before slamming it back on the table.

"Another." Neji ordered the bartender. "And preferably something stronger this time."

The bartender ambled over. "What will you have?"

"Neji-kun," Minato murmured.

Neji ignored him, but eyed the Cutty Sark with appraisal. He turned to the bartender. "Some scotch."

The bartender held up a bottle of Glenfiddich and glanced at Neji questioningly. Neji nodded his approval and added, "On the rocks." He dropped a couple of coins on the table.

As he watched the bartender pour the drink, Minato refrained from face palming with some difficulty. It appeared that if Neji wasn't preoccupied with missions, he completely fell apart. In no time, he would turn into a raging alcoholic. He made a hasty mental note to himself to waylay Guy and warn the man of his unruly student.

"Neji-kun," he ventured. "Are you of age yet?"

"Just turned a month ago," Neji replied, as the bartender placed the drink in front of him. "I'm one year older than Naruto."

The door to the bar suddenly opened again and a blast of cold wind and rain showered them both. Minato turned slightly and glimpsed Uchiha Itachi duck under the door curtain and approach the empty seat next to Neji. He bowed politely. "Neji-kun. Hokage-sama." The Uchiha sat himself down and nodded to the bartender. "The usual please," he murmured.

"You're late," Neji snapped.

Minato jerked in surprise at the harsh tone, but noted that Itachi looked distinctively unruffled at Neji's rude demeanor. The latter glanced contritely at the Hokage before he turned to Neji. "My apologies," he said quietly. "I was tending to Sasuke's injuries."

"So Sasuke's back from his mission too." Neji looked, if possible, even grumpier. The bartender came by with a small glass full of amber liquid, which Itachi nursed quietly in his hands. He did not make eye contact with Neji's pale glare, nor did he take a sip of the drink.

Minato, for his part, was completely thrown off by this unlikely pairing. He had no idea that that members of the Hyuuga and Uchiha clan were on friendly terms, let alone drinking buddies.

As if reading Minato's mind, Itachi glanced up. "I've been accompanying Neji-kun out recently, since he turned of age," he said by way of explanation.

"All the other jonin that are of-age are out on missions," Neji griped. "The only one free is Itachi." He raised his glass and knocked it against Itachi before throwing the contents back in one gulp. Itachi followed suit, the palest hint of a grimace lingering on his features as he swallowed.

Minato opened his mouth to issue an exasperated warning to the Uchiha, but Itachi caught him with a look and shook his head. "Let him," he mouthed. Minato suppressed a sigh and turned to his own drink.

Within the span of an hour, Neji ordered a third drink, followed by a fourth, and then more alarmingly, a fifth and a sixth. A dull glow creeped up his neck, and his pale eyes took on a glassy hue, which Minato watched with growing trepidation. He fervently thought of Hiashi, and how the boy's father must surely be rolling in his grave if he knew his son was self-destructing in the most undignified way possible for such a prodigious clan as the Hyuuga.

And if the Uchiha clan ever found out Itachi was aiding and abetting Neji's demise, they would have a field day. Minato's thoughts turned to Fugaku's competitive streak and internally groaned. He had already pitted Sasuke against Naruto as eternal rivals when the two had met on their first day at the academy.

As Neji polished off the sixth drink, and slumped against the table, Itachi finally turned towards Minato. Despite having matched Neji shot for shot, Minato was impressed to see that his gaze was rather steady.

"It's better this way," Itachi murmured. He glanced at Neji, who was now lying with his eyes closed and head against the tabletop. The Hyuuga's once-pale complexion was beet red. "He'll wake up with a hangover tomorrow, which will put him off from drinking for another week or two."

"But," Minato protested. "He's turning into an alcoholic."

Itachi sighed. "It's regrettable that he has to go to such lengths. But at least he will be able to function in a relatively normal manner around his clan for another week or so. Besides, Hokage-sama." Itachi threw him a cursory glance. "You have no idea how poor his temper is when he is inebriated."

He paused. Neji stirred quietly, but did not open his eyes.

After assuring himself that Neji would not be joining in the conversation anytime soon, Itachi continued softly. "The reason why we've been coming here is because of the damage he caused at the bar on Main Street."

Minato suddenly recalled the huge gaping hole in the wall of the bar Itachi had mentioned. He had assumed, of course, that some drunken shinobi brawl had been the cause of the property damage-and in all honesty-had assumed it had been Lee, Guy's younger doppelganger. He would have never guessed Neji.

"I suppose you know him better than I do," Minato relented.

Itachi's lips twitched into the smallest of smiles. "I know him well enough."

He glanced at Neji's prone figure. "And I also know that if we don't get him home within an hour, he's going to be dirtying the streets with his puke."

"Do you need help?" Minato reluctantly asked. He wasn't too keen at the idea of the Hyuuga barfing over his haori.

Itachi shook his head, amused. "I can handle him well enough on my own. Just help me get him outside."

The two shinobi stood, leaving money on the table for their drinks. They each slung one of Neji's arms across their shoulders and bodily dragged him towards the door. Outside, the rain had finally abated somewhat, and only a light drizzle remained. The alley was deserted.

Minato carefully handed Neji to Itachi, who slung him carefully over his shoulders. The Hyuuga did not stir.

"It was a pleasure, Hokage-sama." Itachi said formally, making to leave.

"Of course, Itachi-kun." Minato waved. Suddenly, a flash of inspiration caught him and he leaned towards Itachi. "Come by my office tomorrow morning. I am going to request detailed reports on Neji's physical therapy progress and I'll have my ANBU track his movements. With any luck, we can nip his alcoholism in the bud-"

A sudden gust of wind blew through the small alley. Minato shivered and turned up the collar of his haori. Simultaneously, Neji made a retching noise and projectile-vomited an acidic slush of alcohol onto the ground. A good portion of the vomit sprayed Itachi's jacket and pants.

At Minato's open-mouthed expression of surprised, Itachi sighed. "I guess I didn't know him well enough."