Disclaimer: The Mediator series belongs to Meg Cabot. I'm just twisting it up a bit.
Rating: M - for safety.
Summary: Slight AU. Multiple POV. Paul Slater's threat to go back in time and change Jesse's death was very real. A threat Suze didn't listen to until it was too late. Now she is living an alternate time line that doesn't include a hot dead rancher, but a life devoid of living. But there are some things that can't be changed and a love that was written to be before time itself is one of them.
A/N: This is a story I have been itching to write for a very long time. Years even! So I'm glad to finally be able to write it and share it with you all. Please read and review, reassure me it was worth the wait. :) Love!
'How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?' - Winnie the Pooh
Righting Fate, Changing Destiny
Prologue
Ever since I can remember, my life hasn't been normal. I haven't had loads of friends, been asked to birthday parties, or been out on dates every weekend like my best friend Gina, back in New York. I haven't been popular or desired - until recently - nor had my personal land line ringing off the hook constantly like my poor, unfortunate mom wanted to have. I've always thought of myself as a freak, because honestly if you could see the dead on a daily basis too, you'd think the same of yourself. A teenage girl who hasn't been able to be a teenager because I've been too busy helping the undead go to wherever it is they're supposed to go.
So yeah, my life is far from normal.
Throw into the mix the fact I am insanely in love with the ghost who's been haunting my bedroom - or his if you want to get technical about it as he was here first - for the past century and a half and I'm not exactly winning any awards for the most sane girl in Carmel either. Not that anyone but my school principal and fellow Mediator Father Dominic, and another fellow Mediator who definitely has questionable intentions towards me, Paul Slater, know that I'm in love with a ghost that is. Of course not, because no one but Father Dom and Paul can see Jesse. My step brother Brad has heard him, but he'd never guess it was a ghost he was eavesdropping on.
Of course not having anyone see Jesse is a slight obstacle in our relationship we've been fighting to ignore the last few weeks, thanks to Paul Slater sticking his nose into our business and trying very damn hard to screw it all up for me because he has this insane idea that I'm supposed to be with him instead of Jesse. Yeah, right! I'm pretty sure Paul isn't the man I'm supposed to love for all of time. Not that he likes hearing that I'm not as warm for his form as he is for mine, but whatever. My point is, everything would have, could have been fine if Paul wasn't such a lunatic and trying so hard to ruin my life and take away the closest thing to normal as I'm ever going to get.
Because Jesse loves me back!
Jesse de Silva, an eighteenth century rancher who was viciously strangled - at least I'm guessing he was strangled - in his sleep while on his way to call off his wedding to his cousin, back in 1850. Jesse who is imposingly tall with dark, crisp wavy hair and eyes so deep they look almost black; he's dangerous and sexy and handsome, with a seriously ripped body that would make any man jealous and any woman drool, and who somehow loves me back. Me, Suze Simon who has had all of two kisses in my seventeen years and never thought would ever find someone who would love me, crazy habit of speaking to the dead and all. Of course it helps that he's a ghost too, but still, he didn't have to fall in love with me too.
But then there's Paul Slater . . . who I'm pretty sure is the devils spawn.
Up until I moved to Carmel, California from Brooklyn, New York I thought I was the only Mediator, ever. But then I met Father Dom and suddenly I didn't feel quite so much like a freak or alone. Then, like fate was stepping in and giving me a hand, I met Jack Slater and found out he's a Mediator too! So imagine my surprise when I was casually walking through the Shadowland - what I call the creepy place between the living and the dead - trying not to show Jesse just how much I loved him and not to die because my time was running out after saving Jesse from being permanently exorcised - and along strolls Paul Slater; another Mediator.
In the weeks since meeting Paul he's been trying to persuade me we're more than just Mediators, that we're what he calls Shifters. People who can shift - I know, real original name - between the worlds of the living and the dead without going through the mess of getting chicken blood for a voodoo spell, or having your catholic priest of a principal to exorcise you. We can also apparently transfer one soul from a body and put another soul in there. When you break that nifty little gift down, it's basically murder. But that's not all, he also has this crazy, so totally insane theory that we can go back in time too. That if I had something from that time period, like my dead fathers old t-shirt; I could go back and save his life. Yes, I did think about doing that but my dad nixed that idea pretty quickly.
Besides, if my dad hadn't died, I would never have moved to Carmel and met Jesse. How am I supposed to choose between my dad and the guy I love?
But it was this theory of going back in time, one that I thought was totally bogus and impossible that had me where I am now, standing in my bedroom numb with shock and fear as I watched Jesse shimmer from the room leaving me alone and completely terrified. I told you Paul's the devil's spawn right? Because he is! He's an insane guy who is down at the Basilica of my school right now, with something he brought that belonged to Jesse's murderer back in 1850, about to shift back in time so he can prevent Jesse from dying in the first place and effectively ripping him away from me because I will never have met him. I'll be floating through my life knowing that there was someone I was supposed to meet but never getting that chance.
"No, no . . ." I cried frantically, my hands shaking as I looked around my room trying to think of something. I would be too late to drive down to the Basilica and help Jesse stop Paul now. But I need to do something! I need to stop Paul; I need to . . . "Go back in time." I murmured to myself, whipping around to stare at my pillow, remembering I have something of Jesse's too and I'm standing in a place that he'd been standing in, in 1850. Why didn't I think of this before?! Rushing around my bed I laughed frantically, because there's still a chance. There's still a chance for Jesse and me.
Determined, I grabbed my pillow off my bed and tossed it aside automatically reaching out to grasp the small painted portrait of Jesse I've been hiding there since Jack Slater gave it to me after he used it to exorcise Jesse with Maria, Jesse's ex-fiancée's help. But my hands only touched cool soft cotton, his portrait gone. "What - " I started, blankly staring at the bed sheet confused. "Where is it?!" I cried, reaching out to rip the last of my pillows off the bed along with the covers.
With my heart thumping hard enough in my chest to make it hurt I shook my head and looked at my empty bed, his portrait not where I kept it. My head was starting to spin, the pain in my chest getting worse with every second. I couldn't see straight my eyes were filling with tears so quickly. I felt like I was moving through a thick fog that was curling around my body dragging me down. I knew what was happening; it was my heart breaking into a billion pieces as the truth set in. Shaking, I moved my bedside table aside, clutching on to the hope that maybe it fell of the bed while I slept. But I couldn't see it, even through my tears. My hands were only brushing against soft carpet, not the small portrait.
Slowly pulling back I sat down hard and raised my shaking hands in front of my face, looking at them strangely. This is it; I'll never see Jesse again. I'll never know what it feels like to have his arms around me, to kiss his thin soft lips and watch his scar through his eyebrow turn white when he's angry at me. I'll never watch his long, strong tanned fingers move through his crisp dark hair when he's frustrated. I'll never see his smile showing off his straight white teeth when I do or say something that he finds so funny. I'll never hear him whisper, 'Querida,' against my lips when he's running his hands over me, bringing me alive in a way nothing else can or will.
I'll never meet the man I'm supposed to love for all of time.
"Jesse . . ." I murmured, looking up. "Jesse! Jesse I need you!" I broke down on a sob, thinking as hard as I could to make him come to me. It's worked in the past right? It'll work now. It has to work, it just has to. Jesse, please, please come to me!
"Susannah?" Jesse replied, suddenly miraculously appearing in front of me where I was kneeling on my floor, sobs wracking my body as I tried to suck in breaths. But if he's here, then maybe it wasn't too late? Maybe he got to Paul before he did anything, maybe he won't leave me and I can kill Paul once I've gotten control of myself again. Maybe . . . "Slater was gone when I got there, I looked all over for him but I couldn't see him. He could have left; he could have - Querida, don't cry." Jesse reached out for me, drawing me close to his chest where I soaked his old fashioned shirt instantly with my tears. He was too late, I know Paul, and I know he didn't leave. His threat was real, it's always been real I just didn't listen, I didn't take him seriously.
He's ruined my life. He's ruined our destiny. I just know it.
I clutched Jesse's shirt in my fists, holding him to me as though that would keep him there with me. "He's going to do it, Jesse. He's going to take you from me. He's really going to do it . . . I can't lose you! Please, I can't lose you." I begged again and again while Jesse held me as close as I held him, his big strong hands stroking my hair soothingly. But I could feel him shaking beneath me as terrified as I am. And if Jesse is scared then I know there's no hope at all. Though he tried to tell me there was.
"We can still fix this, we'll find a way to - " he broke off suddenly, his whole body going tense beneath me.
Pulling away I looked up at him. "What's wrong?" I gasped, seeing his shocked and confused expression. "Jesse, what's happening?"
"I don't know," he murmured, looking down at me as he slowly reached out to cup one side of my face with his large cold hand. I leaned in to him, desperate to memorise his face, the way he feels against me, his eyes and the love he was looking back at me with. "Querida, I - " he began saying but then I realised why he stopped. He was fading away from me, his touch becoming less real.
"No! NO!" I cried, reaching out for him, my hands falling through him. No, no, no!
Jesse equally tried reaching out for me, but his movements were slow and sluggish. I could see the pain and horror in his eyes as he tried to say something but no words were coming. I wanted to hear him say he loved me, tell me he would find a way, tell me it was going to be OK. Something, I wanted to hear something! But there was nothing as just like that, as if he never existed, Jesse winked out of my life. Gone.
But, but there should have been more time. I needed more time!
The breath stopped in my chest, my hands falling through thin air where the man I love, the man I would do anything for, the man I am supposed to spend the rest of eternity with just disappeared. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, the pain that I had felt before when I thought there was a chance Paul was going to ruin my life was nothing, nothing compared to what I felt now. Dazed I glanced down at my chest, expecting to see blood pooling where my heart is supposed to be, because seriously, being shot point blank there would hurt less.
I knew there were warm tears moving down my ice cold cheeks as time seemed to suddenly start crawling to a stop. But I couldn't feel them, I couldn't feel the carpet beneath my cheek because there was only pain, only pure, stabbing heartbreak as my head started to spin fast and faster, sickness roiling in my stomach. The edges of my vision started to blur and turn black as my body become as light as a feather. I could have been floating, the world crumbling and dying around me and I wouldn't flinch or move. The only thing that would have gotten me up would have been the voice of Jesse, the cool touch of him on me, the look of love in his eyes.
But there was nothing but the floor falling away from beneath me as the world turned dark and everything I had known before was no more. Winking out of being, my destiny re-written, my fate changed.
This is the end; I knew it as surely as I knew how to breathe.
The last thing I whispered before I drew my last wheezing breath was, "Jesse." And my world as I knew it ceased to exist.
