My Auggie Story part 1

„I don´t want this damned thing, you may keep it for yourself" And at the same moment the folded cane flew across the room and landed with a loud bang right at the door. Trembling with rage and with a red face and fists so clenched that the knuckles turned white, Auggie stood in the middle of the room. Once again an enormous rage had come over him. The anger about his situation, about a life in darkness and an anger directed at the therapists who forced him to do silly and impossible things had caused this outburst.

Sarah, the therapist had quietly watched Auggie´s outburst of rage and she said " If you are fed up and done with running against walls and when the bruises on your arms and legs increase because you are running against chairs, tables etc. then you might let me know" With these words she left Auggie´s room. Auggie heard her retreating footfalls and the sound of the closing door. Heavily breathing and still trembling with emotion he slowly made his way across the room and with his right hand slightly extended he found the bed. He sat down and moments later he was sound asleep. The lack of light sensation made him tired and more sleepy than ever before. Especially when he was alone and had no distraction. And most of the time he was alone. And distraction was a special issue these days. What could he do? He could not read, he could not solve his Sudokus, he couldn´t watch TV and he could not go for a walk. All these activities required eyes, functional working eyes that would not let him down. One day seemed to blend into another here and so he did not realize the therapist that entered his room to take him to the dining room for lunch. A few hours later he woke up. He opened his eyes and saw the familiar grey nothingness. What time was it anyway? He had no idea. He had no light perception whatsoever and that made him disoriented. He slowly got up and with tentative steps he entered the adjacent bathroom in order to refresh himself with some cold water. He had just dried his face with a towel, when he heard a knock on his door. Roger the therapist called him "Mr. Anderson, it is time for dinner" and before Auggie could reply he left the room. Auggie sat down on his bed, waiting for someone to come back and to take him to the dining room. Time went by and nobody came. His rumbling stomach reminded him that he had already skipped lunch. Had they forgotten about him? Were they determined to let him starve because of his outburst of rage and his refusal when it came to therapy? These and similar thoughts kept bugging him. Okay, he was a soldier, he had gone through a lot more in his life and he would not give up. But he would also show everyone how he felt about their strategies to make him comply.

The following morning was like the day before. Auggie stood in the bathroom and felt for his razor on the shelf above the sink when he heard a knock on the door. "Breakfast will be served in half an hour Mr. Anderson" . That was the voice of Sarah, the therapist. Auggie stopped his shaving procedure when Sarah peeked into the bathroom. With an ironic and slightly annoyed undertone Auggie asked "How could you forget about me yesterday evening. I waited for someone to take me to the dining room but nobody came". "Well, that is part of your therapy" Sarah replied. "Did nobody tell you that you are supposed to walk alone to the dining room from now on?"

"Pardon me?" the razor almost fell to the ground when Auggie heard that. " How shall I be able to find the dining room?" "That is quite simple, you just have to use your white cane" was the answer to his question. "We have explained to you how to get there and now it is all up to you. If You want to be independent, you should immediately start to learn how." With these words she turned on her heels and left the room.

This was incredible! Auggie could not believe what he had just heard. He would not use this damned cane and he would not give them the satisfaction to see him vulnerable. All these therapies were a waste of time. In a couple of weeks or months he would regain his eyesight. So why should he waste his time with stupid things like Braille or orientation and mobility training? All these things were made for blind cripples who were unable to live their lives. He did not belong to this category that was clear. All right, at the moment he could not see, but that did not necessarily mean that he was blind. BLIND! What a terrible word, a word that he always associated with dependence, darkness and a dreadful life. This word did not match his current state. Very soon he would see again and he would resume his old life as a soldier and CIA operative. Captain August Anderson would not become a helpless and blind cripple that was crystal clear! After he was done in the bathroom he slowly went over to the closet. Three steps across the room, a little to the left and he opened the door. He felt for the black jeans and the white shirt that his mother had brought when she visited him. In the privacy of his room he felt comfortable and protected but whenever he left the room a feeling of fear and panic washed over him. Feelings that he would not have allowed to surface if he was still a soldier. He had accomplished the most difficult missions and he had led and guided his fellow soldiers in the most dangerous parts of the world and now he had problems to find a dining room. That was ridiculous, utterly ridiculous! But he did not want to give up and so he walked along the corridor whilst trailing his right hand across the wall. After a few metres he stopped. Was the dining room behind the 3rd or the 4th door ? He was not sure. He slowly kept on walking and soon found the first door. Great, this was the right direction. A little later he found the 2nd and the 3rd door and a little before he reached the 4th door he smelled coffee. Great, he had arrived! With cautious steps he entered the room made a few steps to the right and collided with a tea-cart full of napkins, cups, plates and cutlery. "Ouch, dammit" he said. Sarah the therapist had heard him swear and greeted him friendly "Good Morning Mr. Anderson, it is nice of you to keep us company" And with these words she offered him her arm and led him to a table. "Scrambled eggs at 12, Toast at 3 and coffee at your 10 ´o clock" she informed him when she arrived with Auggie´s plate. Only now Auggie realized how hungry he was and although the scrambled eggs fell off his fork a couple of times, he quickly finished his meal. Especially the dose of caffeine in the morning improved his mood. A day without coffee was unthinkable for him. He usually needed large quantities of this beverage. Although he was very hungry he felt very uncomfortable. He felt that he was being watched and that disturbed him. The others could see him but he could not see them. This was really annoying to him and he could not get used to that feeling.

Auggie was proud, he had found the way back to his room without problems. What a ridiculous idea to use a cane! Nobody could force him to use that thing. He would not make a fool of himself by running around with that stupid thing in his hand. He could almost sense the looks of pity. NO! He would never be like that! And even if all the therapists in the whole wide world would conspire against him, he would NEVER use a white cane. And in a couple of weeks his sight would return and nobody would talk about that topic again.

Regarding the way to the dining room the therapists had won the battle. Auggie regularly made his way alone to the dining room. But he still refused all of the other therapies. He could be really stubborn. For him it did not make any sense to learn Braille or to attend orientation and mobility training classes. That was all a waste of time for him. He just wanted to go home. Home? Where was this home? He had given up his apartment in DC when he went to Iraq and all of his furniture were still securely stored in a warehouse. He had to find a new place to live. But How? He could not read the offers in the local newspaper and his laptop in the closet was not accessible for him either. For internet research he also needed working eyes. His frustration grew with every day. Why the hell could nobody tell him how much longer he would have to stay in that institution? He would ask the doctor as soon as possible.

Two days after

Auggie lay on his bed staring at the ceiling when he heard steps and seconds later a knock on the door. "Come in" he called and Dr. James Morgan, the doctor in charge of the rehabilitation facility, entered the room. "You wanted to talk to me Mr. Anderson?" the doctor came right to the point. "Yes that´s right" In the meantime Auggie had got up and sat down on the edge of the bed. Although he knew where the doctor was standing he did not try to look into his direction. "How can I help you?" Dr. Morgan asked. He was tall, slim and had dark hair. The hair at this temples though was slightly turning grey and made him appear mature. Being in his mid 50s, he had already a lot of experience and was prepared for any sort of question. ." I want to know much longer I will have to stay here and when my sight will return" Auggie answered.

The doctor swallowed, ha had been prepared for everything but this question was unexpected. He had thought that Auggie had been sufficiently informed about his health status and his eyes. There was no way back for him, he had to give Auggie a precise answer to his question. "Mr Anderson your test results are very clear. Your retina is seriously damaged and that is irreversible in addition, the explosion destroyed the optic n nerve of your brain. To put it briefly, you will never see again.

This news hit Auggie like a hammer. Again he started trembling and screamed " You are wrong, I am not blind and I will not be blind" Those things usually happened to other people but not to Captain August Anderson. He was not a blind cripple and he would never become one. "Leave me alone" he shouted at the doctor…..right now….! Dr. Morgan who knew about the mood swings of his patients from experience left the room and closed the door behind him. Now there was no need for Auggie to contain himself anymore. With his fists he punched his pillow until it was soaked with his tears of frustration. What he had just heard had given him a shock. Up til now he had tried to avoid the thought of being blind forever. Had someone told him about that? He could not remember. Too many events right after his accident stayed in the dark so to speak because he could not remember anything. He had spent many days under the influence of strong narcotics and painkillers to alleviate the pain of his brain injury. In the dark, yes that was it. From now on he would live in eternal darkness and this thought made him anxious and he was scared. How should he be able to go on a mission, how should he help his fellow soldiers of the Special Forces Unit? He could not even leave the building without assistance and depended on the help of others. A life like that was not only unthinkable for him but it did not make any sense either. He did not expect much, he just wanted to feel free and independent. But how could he achieve that again? Pure despair was what he felt right now.

Auggie spent a sleepless night after the conversation with Dr. Morgan. During the few minutes that he slept he had nightmares. He was running through a dark maze alone, lost and utterly helpless. He heard voices of invisible people and the people he could see ,sneered and called him a helpless cripple. Sweating he woke up and asked himself what was worse. The nightmares directly after the explosion or those dreams of being a helpless blind man.

The next morning Auggie felt tired and exhausted. He had even less motivation to get up than before but despite that he dragged himself out of bed to wash away the sweat of that sleepless night with a refreshing shower. Completely tired he showed up in the dining room. He was now able to find the way without problems but anything beyond that was still unknown territory to him. Were the therapists right and should he give it a try and learn to use the cane? Deep inside he still rejected this idea. The imagination of blind people he had once seen out in the streets haunted him. They seemed to be helpless and lost and he did not want to be seen like that. However, the desire for more independence remained.

Two weeks later

"A little more to the right" Auggie listened to Sarah the therapist. He slowly moved his cane a little into the direction she had just indicated. Dammit, he still had problems to walk in a straight line. Whenever he started walking with his cane, he veered into another direction and collided with a wall, walked into a ditch or a curb. When he was still sighted he had not had any idea how difficult it could be to walk a few metres without sight. The priorities in his life had significantly and radically changed within a short time. Three months ago, his task was to accomplish and finish a tricky mission in a foreign country and now the daily challenge was to find the way to the dining room, the corner shop or to the next bus stop.