So here's how MY Christmas went, because I'm Jewish and I don't do Christmas. The twentyfourth and the twentyfifth are just normal ass days for me. Nothing fucking special WHATSOEVER. At all. I've always wanted a Christmas tree because they're fucking beautiful-ass trees, but can I have one? No, I'm Jewish.

So I'm sitting up on facebook for like fucking hours, waiting for SOMEONE to come online. I texted like what, seven people, but no one could fucking hang out because they're sitting around with their family fucking singing shit and watching movies about some fatass creeping into your house and giving you shit. Likely, right? But anyway, I'm sitting there for fucking HOURS. I'm hoping someone isn't busy and could like fucking hang out or whatever, but no. No one comes online because I'm the only jew in this god damn town. Fucking hell. And it's not like I could even hang out with Hanky because let's be quite honest, he's a piece of shit, that's fucking unhygienic and NASTY. Aaaand he only hangs out with children so whatever.

So then, I'm like "fuck this i'm gonna go watch the deathly hallows". So I get my ass in my car and drive twenty minutes to the god damn movie theater and shit happened. The bitch was fucking CLOSED because it was fucking Christmas Eve. IT'S NOT EVEN FUCKING CHRISTMAS YET, WHAT THE FUCK? No, no movies for Kyle the Jew. So I decide "hey maybe I can go to dunkin donuts and get some motherfucking donuts". I drive another fifteen minutes and I get there and it's fucking CLOSED. DONUTS ARE FUCKING PASTRIES. THEY EAT THAT SHIT ON CHRISTMAS WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CLOSED, BITCH?At this point I'm just like "you know what fuck this" so I go home, and believe it or not, NO ONE IS ON FUCKING XBOX LIVE. NO ONE. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I can't even fucking Call of Duty my emotions out because I'd be playing by my god damn self.

I sat down to watch a god damn Christmas movie and a Christmas song comes on and that shit was fucking stupid, talking about some "he knows when you are sleeping he knows when you're awake". What the fuck. I don't even... what the fuck is that shit? You all leave fucking milk and cookies out for this fatass to give you gifts when in reality he's fucking creeping into your house and touching your damn kids and you CONDONE this! Aw hell no. Next year I'm gonna show up at everyone's god damn house and wait up for this pedophile to come down the damn chimney and catch him in the act, Chris Hansen .

Skip to Christmas, I wake up with a billion texts saying "MERRY CHRISTMAS KYLE!" ... I don't celebrate that shit! So I turn my phone off because I wake up in a bad mood. Whatever.

I decide to get some chinese, so I go to City Wok. It's like fucking Jew central there. Christmas is like the best holidays for that place because there are fucking jews trolling around everywhere for Chinese because it's a normal-ass day in our lives. And this lady, by the way, comes out of no where, talking about "hurry the fuck up and get your food gayboy". Excuse the fuck out of me but who the hell are you! So I snap my fingers at this bitch all like "back the fuck off bitch, you're not the only jew in this town" like wtf. I'm in a bad mood too, sweetheart, and you don't see me going around popping off at the mouth at everyone. So I get my chinese, I go home, and I fucking eat that shit and I watch some non-Christmas related movies.

And that's how a Jew spends Christmas.