Feelings Got You Hurt.

Written in response to S4E1 Comment from Carol "Just so you know, I liked you first".

He'd learnt a long time ago to hide his feelings. Living in a house where the slightest wrong move would be met with the sharp lashing of a belt or the painful cut of glass across exposed skin caused you to keep your shit locked down pretty tight. Even as he'd grown older the younger Dixon never shook the compulsion to keep his true feelings hidden from others. So Daryl grew into a man that never shared his feelings. It was the only protection he had against a harsh and unrelenting world. He became an enigma to those who met him. Whether the introduction came before the world went to shit or afterwards Daryl always played his feelings close to the vest. Everything except anger that is.

It didn't matter if you got angry. He'd learnt that lesson early on in his life. Hell, in his family anger was the only emotion recognised as being of any importance. So he never hid his anger from anyone. He never tried to camouflage his short temper. It was the only thing about him his father approved of. Everything else that wasn't approved of his old man had tried to beat out of him with that worn leather belt that he wore always slung low around his hips. His old man would never take the damned thing off. The head of the Dixon clan wanted it handy whenever he decided that dispensing discipline was necessary. And according to Dixon Senior disciple had been needed constantly. It had gotten so bad when Daryl was a kid that the mere slight of the belt buckle was enough to send the youngest Dixon hightailing it for the neighbouring forest and clamouring for safety.

Daryl had learnt at young age that having feelings translated into getting hurt. It hurt more than he even knew possible when his mom died in the fire that decimated their home. He had loved her like a son ought to love his momma, that was the problem. Daryl let himself feel something other than anger and he paid the price for it when his mother was snatched away by the fire that consumed her. That day when he rounded the corner and saw his house burning to the ground was the day little Daryl Dixon learnt that loving someone got you hurt. Showing people that you loved them always ended in pain. The people you trusted always left you hanging high and dry. Whether it was a father who hit you to cover up his own self-loathing or it was a mother too drunk to realize the dangers of smoking in bed, you couldn't count on anyone not to hurt you in this life.

His father's hands had hurt him physically. His mother's death had scarred him emotionally.

If you let people in, if you let yourself feel anything towards them other than anger you ran the risk of those people abandoning you one day. He knew his mother never meant to leave him like she did but that didn't make the pain of her death any less bearable. It was bad enough what his father did to him when he laid into Daryl's back with that belt. It hurt that Merle had cleared out when he was a kid and left him alone to grow up in the shadow of a monster. The people of your family weren't supposed to hurt you like that.

Daryl did everything he could to shut down. The people who were supposed to care about him most in the world always ended up hurting him in one way or another.

Showing people your emotions made you vulnerable. But no matter how hard Daryl tried to ignore his feelings and to let his emotions lay dormant and unused it never worked out. Try as he might he couldn't switch off the feelings that insisted on clouding his judgement and screaming within his mind. But if he couldn't switch them off that didn't mean he couldn't try and bury those pesky emotions down deep enough so that no-one would be able to see them.

Daryl learnt at a young age how to hide his emotions from the rest of the world.

Carol had made that crack the other day about her liking him first but that showed what she knew. He wasn't an idiot. He could read between the lines better than most. His shitty upbringing finally benefited him somehow. The ability to sense when a fresh attack was being plotted by his father also leant Daryl the ability to read other people's body language and tells. He became very apt at hearing what people didn't say just as well as what they did say.

When Carol said she liked him first he knew she was trying to make him feel better about the constant attention the new people were throwing his way. After a lifetime of being made to feel like he was lower than dog shit it was unnerving to have so many people actually give a damn about him. It made Daryl blush to think that Carol had also meant that she liked him - really liked him - like he was worth a damn. Daryl knew that was what she was really telling him with her teasing that morning. She thought he was a man of honour. The rest of the jokers were suffering a bout of hero worship but not Carol. She genuinely cared for Daryl and he knew it. She wasn't damaged like he was. She didn't try and deny that fact that she felt something for him that ran deeper than the connection she had with the other members of their family.

He knew about her feelings for him. He'd have to be a fool not to. He had known for some time that there was something special between them. Something that had grown gradually since they first started interacting with one another. Just because he tried to deny he had emotions didn't mean he wasn't able to recognise what he felt for her.

Daryl had liked Carol first. She may have thought she held the exclusive rights to that claim but she'd be wrong. Daryl had strong feelings for her but there was no way on Earth he was telling her that fact. Hell, he knew he was in love with her despite the fact he wanted nothing to do with emotions. The moment he'd watched her drive that pickaxe into Ed's chewed off face Daryl knew there was more to her than what others saw. To the other members of their group she had been regarded as a mother and wife; nothing more. But Daryl saw past the frumpy clothing and meek disposition. When she ploughed that pick into Ed's head over and over again he knew she had a strength the others didn't even begin to understand. To survive the abuse her bastard of a husband had dished out she had to have been strong. From that moment on they had been drawn together; two damaged souls gravitating towards each other bounding over a shared past of pain, suffering and neglect. Over the time the group had been together the bond they shared grew and strengthened into something more, solidifying their connection after the shattering loss of Sophia.

His secret would go with him the grave because Daryl Dixon wouldn't allow himself to show his true feelings to anyone. Not even her. Feelings got you hurt.

When Carol had lost Sophia she had almost shut down completely. It had pained Daryl to watch her go through that experience. Her heart had been ripped clear from her chest the day her daughter came stumbling out of the barn. Watching Carol suffer as she did only strengthened Daryl's resolve on the matter of feelings.

Feelings got you hurt.

Having feelings led to you getting beaten to within an inch of your life and left on the kitchen floor struggling for every breath because you'd loved your mother so much you cried at her death.

Feelings in the new world got you killed.

Emotions were a distraction that Daryl couldn't afford. Simple as that. It wasn't for himself that he was concerned though. If Carol knew how he felt about her it would place her entire existence in jeopardy. He'd seen the risks Maggie and Glenn would take, the lengths they'd go to when the other was threatened. All in the name of love. He couldn't do that. Glenn had told Daryl once that he cared about what happened to Maggie more than he cared about himself. That was how the hunter felt about the strong woman who had captured his attention all those months ago at the quarry.

Daryl would rather watch Carol flourish from afar than risk losing her just to let her know how he felt. He loved her enough to not be that selfish. He was not going to endanger the most important person he had left in his life with some half-baked romantic notion like confessing his feelings to her so they could live happily ever after.

This wasn't a fairy tale and there sure as shit weren't no happy endings for anyone anymore.

Feelings led to distractions.

Distractions got you killed.

Carol knowing that Daryl was in love with her was a distraction she didn't need. If she understood the depths of his emotions it would get her killed eventually. It might not happen today. It might not happen tomorrow but Daryl was certain it would happen eventually. She would risk her own safety one day to ensure Daryl's survival in a life or death situation.

He couldn't deal with that. He refused to be the reason why Carol might get hurt.

A woman like her deserved better. She'd already spent most of her life shackled to some asshole who didn't treat her right; she didn't need to hitch her wagon to another loser. And Daryl knew he was a loser. If he'd been anything like Merle Daryl would have manned up and made a move. But Carol deserved more than he could offer. He couldn't touch her like how she needed to be touched. His father had made sure Daryl found it almost unbearable to accept human. He had gotten better at accepting her touches and signs of affection. He was even able to instigate some physical contact but he knew it would never be enough. He would never be the man she deserved.

The only concession he allowed himself was to keep constant vigil over her. He appointed himself Carol's own personal guardian angel striving to shield her from whatever horrors this world presented.

So Daryl let her believe that she liked him first. He let her believe that he was the man of honour she believed him to be. But Daryl knew the truth and he would take it to his grave.

Daryl Dixon knew feelings got you hurt. Having feelings got you killed. He would keep his own self-imposed secret until the day he died in a bid to save her from the pain this shitty world handed out to you when you admitted you cared for something or someone. The pain of not letting her know that he actually liked her first – that he loved her completely, paled in comparison to the pain he knew he'd feel if she was ever snatched away from him. So he resolved to hide his feelings. It was the only way he could think to keep Carol safe.

Feelings got you hurt. But if Daryl was the only one getting hurt he could deal with that. He always had.

A/N: Thanks for reading this little piece. The plan I have here is to make this somewhat of a drabble series that explores and expands on the Caryl scenes we see in Season 4. Ideally I'd love to produce something every week to accompany each episode but I already know this won't work. Why won't it work I hear you ask? Well due to the sad fact that we're already up to Ep 3 and I'm still dissecting and deconstruction Ep 1, that's why.

In saying that, my idea behind this piece wasn't an overwhelming desire to get into the 'I liked you first' comment. The piece you've just read stemmed from something I read on Tumblr (honestly, I cannot remember who posted it but I would give credit if I only knew) where someone made the point of saying 'why is it always Carol that's chasing after Daryl and he's playing emotional catch-up?' So I thought it would be interesting to explore the idea that Daryl is actually well aware he's in love with Carol but he has no intention on acting on those feelings.

Enough from me though. Thank you for reading! I appreciate everyone who takes a chance on one of my offerings.