What do you do, when a prank goes haywire? When the one person you trusted beyond belief suddenly betrays you and your whole world comes crashing down?

You work.

You put all your effort into everything you do, hoping that if you try, you can escape all the worries, all the what ifs that plague your mind.

It doesn't help. The questions, the fears, they don't leave you. They haunt your dreams, plague your nightmares, and are always there, right in the corner of your eye.

I couldn't sleep for the first week after it happened. For the first month I was constantly waking up, haunted by things that I couldn't remember. Even these days, over three months on, I still open my eyes to find myself screaming.

I'm starting to doubt that things will ever be the same.

Little things have changed; little, inconsequential things that shouldn't matter but do. Little things like how suddenly I drink my coffee black, when I used to have it white with lots of sugar. Like how Remus and I call each other by our proper names. Now we're just plain Remus and James, and for some reason that hits me hard. And then there are other things. I work in classes other than transfiguration. I complete my homework when we get it rather than last minute. I didn't get a detention for the whole last week of term.

To tell you the truth, I'm beginning to lose sight of who I am.

Three months ago, if you'd asked me to talk about myself, the first thing I would have mentioned was Quidditch, followed closely by pranking, the marauders, and Lily Evans. And I could have talked for a long time. But times change, people change, and these days I would just give you a blank look. Now, quidditch is just a game, a way to pass my time. I haven't laughed in months, let alone thought about completing a prank. The marauders are just four guys that happen to sleep in the same dormitory. And Lily Evans, she's just a girl, a pretty one to be sure, but just a girl all the same.

I feel like I'm falling apart. It's like a tiny crack in the glass. No matter how much I try to hold myself together, the crack's slowly getting bigger until one day when I'm just going to shatter, and all the pieces will be too small for anyone to attempt to put back into place.

I think all of us are still in a state of shock. None of us ever thought that something like this would happen, and on this scale...

There are all sorts of rumours going around the school, although none bear even close resemblance to the truth. But I don't think people understand the seriousness of the situation. Then again, maybe it's only serious to us. I don't know how no-one seems to see that I'm falling apart, but maybe after all these years of being the strong one, the rock, I've just become too good an actor for them to see past what I want shown.

In truth, all my worries, all my fears, everything that is keeping me up at night, can be summed up in one word. Sirius.

Why the hell did he have to go ruin everything? Before, life was simple. Now I'm such a whirlwind of emotions that I'm in a constant state of confusion. I want to forgive him, I truly do, but when I think about what could have happened...I don't know. I just, I can't understand how he could have done it. How could he have told Snape, our worst enemy, how to find out Remus' secret? Not to mention almost getting him killed in the process.

I'm still angry at him, true, but at the end of the day, I think I'm angrier at myself. I should have realised something was up with Sirius. I should have found out about the prank before it could be set into action, I should have somehow got to Snape faster, I should have...I should have done something.

Dumbledore had called me to his office when I got out of the hospital wing. He sat me down and offered me a jelly bean, before asking for my side of the story. When I finished he was silent for a moment. He then looked at me, and said very quietly "You did something very heroic, James." I think that's the first time I have ever disagreed with something that Dumbledore's said.

I am no hero. Heroes are people that are, to put it simply, good. Quite frankly, a state I will never be able to achieve. But I can see in Dumbledore's, Remus', even McGonagall's eyes that they believe it to be true. I hate that. It makes me feel like a fraud, but no matter how hard I try to convince them, they won't believe otherwise.

If I were a hero, I could take away everyone's pain; Remus' pain of being betrayed and Peter's pain of not knowing what to do. Remus' parents pain of not being able to help their son the way they wish they could, and even Sirius' pain of knowing that he just made the worst mistake of his life. If I were a hero, I could...

Knock knock

Weird. It's three in the morning, who the hell would be knocking on the door at a time like this?

I get up off my seat by the window and leave my bedroom. Walking through corridors with portrait covered walls, like all the others in the Potter Manor, I try to work out who it could be. Mum? In bed. Dad? In his study, finishing his paper work. Deatheaters? Well, I hardly think they'd knock...

Knock knock

But there it is again. As I take my last step, I hesitantly take hold of the door handle and twist.

Standing on the porch is a dark figure that I hardly recognise. Looking soaking wet, with bruises and torn clothing (was that blood?), and completely missing the air of confidence that usually surrounds him, is my best friend.

"Prongs," he gasps. "I finally did it. I ran away".

...end...