[For any new followers past this point, welcome to chapter ! See, the original first chapter was alright. But this one is excellent. I'm happy you get to start with this. Any chapter with a .two after it from this point is the second version of a chapter. Up until chapter eleven you should look for this, or know that it's going to get better. Because now I'm really into this fiction and it needed to be perfected.
I have my beta reader! Normally scheduled updates will be Sundays and Tuesdays. This would not usually count as an update, since it's the upload of a chapter that was already a chapter, but I had a very busy weekend. Still moving in. Wednesday is going to make you all go "TONY WHAT" but it's okay because it's not Wednesday yet and now you have that to be excited for. c:]
"Steve."
The super soldier was lost in thought, eyeing the ailing form of a woman he'd grown to call his friend. The silk sheets and soft light against skin the shade of snow, tight and slightly wrinkled on a woman who hardly had a flaw at one time.. It was all a bit much to take in. And Steve wasn't even the one who should be crying over this.
"Steve." There was more urgency this time, and Steve forced himself to meet dull blue eyes. The life had already slipped from them, but somehow she was hanging in there. There was still some form of fire left in Pepper Potts. Even if she was nearly skin and bone, even if the pain was so intense that at moments her eyes would water and her front would fall, Pepper wasn't giving up.
Not until Steve made her a promise, and Tony got to say goodbye.
"Tony's going to be here soon, Pepper," Steve said softly, having long ago dropped the Miss that would have been tacked onto her name. She was a bit stubborn, and once she insisted upon something, you might as well just go with it. Hand reached out to accept the one she offered, taking a seat at her bedside. "Why don't you go to the hospital? I'm sure they can do something. Maybe take the pain away, or-"
"The pain is going to be gone soon enough," Pepper said, tone soft yet forceful. Because she wanted Steve to shut up, just for a moment. Just listen to her. At this point, even dragging in the breath to make her point, to get the words out, was labored. Pepper was a smart woman, always had been, and she knew what this was. "I need to talk to you before Tony gets here. Because once he does, I won't have time for anyone else."
Steve was having a hard time with this. It wasn't like watching a soldier fall, or saying goodbye to a comrade. Pepper was probably the reason why Steve and Tony had become such good friends, best friends. If she hadn't been the one to force Tony to drag him out to charity event, if she hadn't sweet talked Steve into going, they'd still be at each others throats right now. It was a fond memory, Steve thinking back to carrying Tony home and receiving and affectionate, "You're not bad for an icecicle from the forties." What a start that had been. It might not have been much, but it was far from insulting each other on the helicarrier, and ever since they'd been working on the way they handled one another.
"He's going to need you, Steve," Pepper told him, and her voice quivered slightly as she thought about just how broken Tony was going to be without her. She knew about the ring sitting in his drawer down in the workshop. Hell, she'd known about it for the entire four months that he'd had it hidden there. It was her business to know every move he made, and she'd just been waiting for him to make this one. It was too little, too late, but she was glad he hadn't actually taken that plunge. It would only hurt him more. "He will push you, he will say things he knows will hurt you.. I know, I know, that's him now." She offered her own pained smile at the one that slipped on Steve's features. "But I need you to promise that you'll hold on, you won't let him push you and the others away. You're his family now, the closest to one he's ever had. Please-"
"Pepper," Steve said quietly, not wanting her to push herself or overwork her failing body. "I swear on my life, I will stand by his side no matter how hard he tries to stop me." And that wasn't a promise, that was something much deeper. Because Steve had grown to know Tony nearly as well as Pepper did, something that no one thought possible. He might even outshine Rhodey, but Steve wasn't keeping track. All he knew was that someone had to push through that stubborn, thick, probably reinforced with metal skull of Tony's and help him through this.
Before either could say another word, Thor was coming through the door, solemn expression on his face. It was a horrible day when Thor couldn't even manage a smile, but he sure did try. Mortals. So fragile, so easy to slip away from the world. He couldn't find words, but it was obvious that Pepper took comfort in him being here- she had insisted that JARVIS make the call to the entire team. Tony was to be saved for last, because if he got here before them he would surely refuse to let everyone in.
He would refuse to believe it.
Stark was currently adjusting his tie, trying to keep his defenses from breaking down. Because when he got the call, he'd been in New York. And yes, he had refused to believe it. After all, the diagnosis had only come seven or so weeks ago. Actually, it was seven weeks, two days, fourteen hours and nineteen minutes, but who was really keeping track of it. Besides Tony, of course. Because he had to keep track of something.
Everyday was a fight to find the cure, and everyday he would end up throwing everything in his lab, sending it crashing and the AI he'd designed backing up and trying not to get in his way. Especially Dummy, because as much as he would do for his master, the machine seemed to realize that his clumsy ways would only cause problems. Every moment he wasn't in the lab was spent with Pepper, reassuring both her and himself that she was fine. She was going to be fine. Tony was going to beat this, because the doctors had said eight months. At the least. That was like an eternity once Tony got into a project, because in just three months he was sure..
But now he wasn't sure. Of anything.
Tony arrived behind Clint and Natasha, who had been waiting outside for him. Because even if Tony didn't want to admit it, this screwy band of heroes had wormed their way into his heart, and he into theirs. Which was why when Bruce arrived moments later, he looked slightly irritated. He'd been searching for Tony as well, but at least someone had found him before he could do something stupid, something crazy.
It had taken Tony hardly any time at all to get here, and he was pretty sure he'd nearly fried the thrusters on the suit. How power had held up, he wasn't sure. Tony simply hated himself for taking this long, but really, how quickly could he cross the country without blowing the suit apart?
Steve moved aside without being asked, and Tony took his spot without hesitation. Eyes were red with bottled tears, but he was not going to cry. Not when Pepper needed him to be strong.
"How you holding up, champ?" Tony asked, and even Natasha's heart was breaking as his voice cracked. Tony always had walls in place, emotions like this weren't something his team ever go to see. Vulnerability was not something ever shared. But Tony could only be so strong, and seeing Pepper like this was really beginning to do him in.
"I'm sorry, Tony," Pepper began, because she felt he needed to hear it. "Sorry that I let you hope. I kind of.. knew for the past two or so weeks that this was it." She paused, taking in a pained breath, because this was getting hard. Her body was urging her to stop, to let go, but she had to make sure that Tony heard her out. That he realized that she didn't blame him, and that he couldn't blame himself.
"Stop it," Tony said firmly, grasping her hand and raising one hand to a shallow cheek. God, how long had she been looking like this? He'd been so focused on the lab that he hadn't even noticed how sick she looked, how far gone she already was. "Listen, you just.. Just start treatment for now, I can fix this. I can fix you, I can find the cure, Pepper, you can't give up-"
"It's not a matter of giving up anymore, Tony," Pepper replied, firm yet understanding, her own eyes watering. This was the hardest goodbye she'd ever said, because after this goodbye she wasn't going to be around anymore. It was the most terrifying idea she'd ever had to face, but at least she didn't have to face it alone. She was startled to see a tear roll down his cheek, but he made quick work to swipe it away. "I physically cannot keep this up. It's okay, Tony. It's not your fault. You've done everything you could for me. I just want to sleep. But I don't want to be alone, and I want to make sure you're taken care of before I sleep."
Tony felt suddenly uncomfortable, and he would have asked everyone to leave if he hadn't know that would upset Pepper. They were seeing a side of him he did his best to keep under wraps, after all.
"I need you to do something for me, Tony," Pepper continued, and Tony's barely audible "anything" didn't go unnoticed. "It's a lot to ask of you, but it's important to me. I need you to make me a promise." And Tony hated to hear that, because he was awful with keeping promises. Stark was known for breaking them, in fact. Especially where women were involved. But he wasn't going to point this all out, he was going to nod. He was going to do everything he could. Even though she was not dying, there was no way she was leaving Tony behind. "Promise me you won't push them away. The Avengers. Your friends, Tony. Promise me you'll hold onto them."
Pepper had always been intelligent, something that Tony was now cursing. They were the first people he would have cut ties with, shoved them as far away as possible, because after Pepper, and Rhodey, they were all important parts of his life. Meaning he was attached much more than he had ever intended to become. Now it was obvious that everyone was vulnerable, and he realized with a sharp pain in his chest that these friends of his were just as likely to die on him as Pepper. Every mission, every crazy stalker.. They were all in danger. They all had clocks that were ticking away. Except for Thor, but fuck him, alright, because right now Tony didn't have the patience to see the amusement in that.
It took a few moments to realize that everyone here was holding their breath, including Tony. And then he was nodding, and he was trying to keep his voice even, because God he was going to lose it if he didn't. "I promise you, Pepper," he replied softly. "But listen to me, you've got it in you. You've put up with my bullshit all these years. You can't just give up over something so silly as a horrible disease. You'e Pepper Potts, and you-"
"Can't do this, Tony," Pepper finished for him, and she didn't miss the way his Adam's apple bobbed up and down in a gulp. "I'm sorry. I love you, Tony. You know that, right?"
"Of course I know that," Tony insisted, leaning closer, fingers running carefully through thin amber hair. "And I love you. I love you more than I ever thought I could. We have so much more to do. I need you, Pep. Need you for so much in my life. How will I tie my shoes without you?"
"Dummy knows how, you just have to give him the chance to prove it," Pepper replied, and even through this awful moment they each cracked a pained smile. Tony pressed his forehead against hers, feeling silent tears trickle down his cheeks, and the sound of sniffling noses came from just about every direction. It was apparent that Pepper was done speaking, and the others surrounded her. Some knelt, others sat on the bed, but each of them watched quietly. Pepper was done with talking, that much was apparent. Eyes were closed, breath was shallow.
No one knew how long she slept, no one cared to look at the clock, because time didn't matter. No one questioned that Tony wasn't moving, either, that his shoulders had long since stopped shaking. No one even bothered to say a word until her breath finally came to a ragged stop, and Tony lifted his head to look at the woman he'd loved and now lost.
But Tony didn't cry.
Tony was through with crying, because there was nothing he could do. This wasn't the end, though. He was still going to find that cure. She wasn't really gone. Just.. out of reach. He hardly heard Bruce excuse himself, obviously a bit overwhelmed with the situation. Bruce was his close companion, after all, and the Hulk had apparently taken to Tony ever since the battle with the crazy aliens and that nutty trickster over a year and a half ago. Hopefully Bruce wasn't going to hulk out here in Tony's Malibu home, because there were only so many rooms for him to destroy.
It was Clint and Natasha who took the hint next, deciding that they were better to leave Tony alone than to try and say anything comforting. Neither was very good with this sort of thing. They were agents; loss happened. Death was a part of life. Tony wasn't an agent. He wasn't a soldier. He was a man, a fragile man who had feelings despite his best attempts to pretend he didn't.
Finally Thor followed suit, but Steve wasn't budging. He simply took a spot against the wall, arms crossed, watching as Tony carefully traced Pepper's jaw. Tony would never admit it, but he was grateful that Steve hadn't left too. This was a moment that only his Capsicle could know how to handle. Tony didn't need anyone to apologize, anyone to try and be understanding and tell him all about how he was going to get through this.
Tony needed time to mourn, time to accept that she was gone, and Steve understood.
How long the two kept silent this way, neither knew. Tony continued to stare at Pepper, at her shell rather, the body that was lacking everything that had made the woman who she was. When the body was removed to be taken to the coroner, Tony didn't budge, didn't move his gaze even as her face was removed from his vision. Finally his head was placed against the sheets, which still held a bit of her warmth, still contained her scent.
It wasn't until breath became shallow and Steve was sure Tony was asleep that Steve slipped out the door, careful not to make a sound as it closed behind him. Tony needed the rest, anyway, because the next few days he was sure to do anything but sleep.
Two years had passed, dragging painfully slow for everyone. Tony had spent the last six months spiraling back into his old habits The alcohol was where it started. Tony had been going easy on the alcohol after Pepper had insisted, about four months into their relationship. Obviously his raunchy days had stopped much sooner.
But Tony could only behave himself for so long.
It started simply, deciding that he wanted a scotch. Or two. Or six, actually. At first it was just drinking. But then Tony had a party, and maybe things got a little out of control. And he woke up thinking that.. Wow. He was still holding out, hoping that Pepper would be there in the morning to scold him.
But she wasn't.
Months later here he was, riding in the back of the cab and trying to remember why Happy wasn't picking him up. Oh, right, because he'd told him to go the fuck home. Tired of hearing Happy try and convince him, alright, Tony, you've had enough. Maybe we should get you home now, I'm sure Steve will be waiting. Tony? Really, don't you think that this is too much? Tony never had too much.
It was obvious that Tony was a different man than before. Down to the extra wrinkles, the dark circles beneath his eyes that refused to go away, the way his confidence sometimes seemed forced. Snarky comments were on overdrive, and if once upon a time he'd at least known when was a good time to hold his tongue he refused to do it now. Forget the progress he'd made towards becoming a man he could be proud of, a man Pepper could be proud of. Tony was downright cruel, uncaring, and refused to let anyone back in. Anyone who had known him knew that none of that was Tony Stark, even if it was the act he'd always attempted to put on.
Late nights in the lab weren't a new occurrence but they had been rather ridiculous lately. It had been a week the last time before Steve had finally coaxed Tony out of there, and that was only because JARVIS went into over-protective mode and locked Tony out of his work. Fucking AI was too smart for his own good, but that was something Tony would never grow tired of. No matter how much he complained about it.
They just didn't understand. None of them did, especially not Steve. Pepper was gone, but he still had to figure out what he could have done. There was always something Tony could have done. The guilt was gnawing at his insides, breaking down walls as fast as Tony could build them.
It was no surprise that Tony had successfully driven a nail through just about every friendship he had within his team. After all, he was known for breaking promises. No matter how hard he tried to remember that Pepper had asked him to keep the Avengers close, her dying wish, he just couldn't. Because their time was ticking, and they were all going to leave him behind too.
Steve was another story, though, wasn't he? Tony often found himself wondering if the stubborn attitude had come with the serum, or if Steve had just always been that pushy. He must not have had many friends. But all of his attempts at ruining his relationship with Steve aside, Tony was happy to have him. Although Stark would never be caught dead admitting it, he really needed Steve in his life.
What had Tony been trying to do just now? The cab driver was saying something, but Tony waved his hand and a one hundred dollar bill in his direction, and then he was leaning against the glass on the window. Huh. Right, he was going to get out, because he was pretty sure that this was his destination. But last Tony had checked, there was only one Stark tower, not four dancing in dazzling light on the pavement. Wait a minute, that was definitely Stark Tower. Oh, right.
Tony was really drunk.
Brown eyes were so glazed over that one might wonder how many bottles he'd drained, but no one could have answered that question even if they tried. Honestly, who kept track of his alcohol consumption these days? Well, there were actually probably about five or six people on that list, but hell with them. The Avengers and their babysitter Fury were not his parents, thank you very much, and Tony would do whatever he damn well pleased.
Oh no, Tony was not at all behaving like a toddler who had just witnessed all of his pacifiers being thrown away. Not if you asked him, anyway.
Fingers hooked on the door latch, and Tony realized he was trying to get out of the car! Right! Wow, good job Tony, great. Solved the greatest puzzle known to man. Now, focus, Tony. Fingers pulled back, and the door shifted open- and Tony fell flat on his face against the concrete.
Groan escaped him, because, right! He'd been leaning on the door. This was elementary shit right here, and Tony Stark had been past that point in his life since he was two years old. Genius didn't happen overnight, it was a lifetime thing.
"Shhhhh," Tony hissed at the cement beneath him as though it was being loud and threatening to wake all of New York, ignoring the way that his head throbbed at this point. He needed to invest in softer sidewalks, apparently. Maybe that was something he could invent. Perhaps he should head straight down to the lab and get to work- but no, JARVIS would never let him use power tools, especially anything with fire, which Tony was fond of. Not in this condition. The AI seemed skeptical about Tony playing with fire anytime, actually.
Satisfied that he'd drank enough, and still tingling from the good time that he'd had with the swingers(and what a lovely couple they had been. Oh God, between her tits and his abs, Tony wondered why he hadn't just asked them to adopt him.), Tony decided that no, he would head off to bed instead of wreaking havoc in his workshop. Tomorrow! Carefully, struggling because the ground would not stop moving, and okay, now Tony had six hands, he began to push himself up from his resting place, tugging his legs out of the cab.
As eyes shifted upwards, gaze focused in on a hand. Or maybe two hands, but Tony was sure that it was just one. The hand was attached to an arm, which led to a shoulder, and then a neck, and wow, Tony had found Steve! Sweet. Wait, why was Steve here? Oh no, busted.
"Later than I would have expected, Stark," Steve said quietly. Tony couldn't tell if he was trying not to smile, or if that was a look of pity. Since he was drunk and didn't need to be logical, Tony decided that it was a smile. Yep, Steve was not disappointed or pitying right now. Because this was Tony, Tony as he had always been and this was no surprise. Nothing to pity.
Steve was always there, always waiting for Tony when the fragile man needed him. It was both something that Tony found incredibly sweet and absolutely infuriating. How many times did Tony have to spit venom at the man before Steve decided to tell him to fuck off? Once no one was hanging onto him anymore, once the Avengers pushed him aside and he had no purpose, he could just live out the rest of his life in self-loathing misery.
But tonight, he was going to live out hugging the toilet.
Tony couldn't have gotten to the elevator on his own, and Steve promptly deposited him on the floor because by now they knew Tony didn't have the balance for this thing when he was this far gone. Now Steve was smiling down at Tony, but it was an obviously pained amusement. How could any man do this to himself so often? It pushed Steve to the edge sometimes, to the point where he wanted to scream at Tony, slam him into a wall, beat some sense into him. If Pepper saw him right now, saw what they had been unable to prevent him from becoming...
Steve was still trying to keep his promise.
"Wher'svybody?" Tony asked, hiccuping slightly. If Steve noticed the way his shoulders shook with silent sobs, he didn't say a word. Because this was the one time when Tony would start to get emotional. Right here on the elevator. If Steve brought attention to it, Tony clammed up.
"Sorry, Tony, I don't understand babbling drunk," Steve replied, sinking down slightly to look him over. He didn't want to think about what those dark, purple bruises just beneath his shirt collar meant. All he could do was hope that Tony had used protection. Not that it mattered on a.. Oh hell, yeah, it mattered on a personal level. But now was not the time nor place for that, was it?
"I 'sked where everybody is," Tony growled, annoyed that by now Steve still didn't understand his slurs He figured the super soldier should be able to understand it better than when Tony was speaking regularly!
"Oh, is that what you said, Tony?" Steve asked innocently. "I thought I heard you say I'm a big dummy who can't hold his liquor." Ohh, Steve had jokes tonight! Tony would have laughed, except for it wasn't even half as hilarious as they both knew it was. Instead Tony stuck his tongue out. The elevator drew to a halt, and Steve carefully helped the not-so-intelligent genius to his feet.
"You're 'voidin' the question," Tony belched out, head ducking slightly. Because he didn't care, really. They could do what they wanted. Tony was having the time of his life, they were probably out doing something stupid. Something stupid that he wouldn't have wanted to do even if he was invited. "You know what, 's'fine. Runnin' away 'fore big bad Tony can come home and fuck up 'vryones night." It was nearly spat, but Tony felt he would really spit if he tried to sound malicious right now. "Hell with 'em. I don't need you all ruinin' my fun, bitchin' me out for-" He paused, skin slightly pale, cheeks puffing. But no he was not going to-
Tony spilled his guts right there in the middle of the hallway. There was a lot of shrimp involved. Had he really bought shrimp for everyone? Yep, there was the cocktail sauce. Steve didn't flinch, didn't feel sick at the sight. Instead he ran his fingers carefully through Tony's hair, one hand slipping to gently massage his back. It was in these moments that Tony hated Steve the most because, God whatever his heart was doing it wasn't normal. And his heart only did that when Steve was around.
"Listen, Tony, we're almost to the bathroom," Steve said softly, pulling the man back from the wall that he had slumped against. It was sort of adorable how pathetic Tony could be at times. "Got the cot set up for you and everything." It had long since been decided that on nights like this, Tony was not going to be in his bed. The sheets had already taken a bad enough beating the first fourteen times he'd thrown up all over them in the middle of the night, thank you very much. Tony slumped into Steve's hold, walking as carefully as he could. Now that he'd thrown up, mind was a little clearer. Which meant..
"Never answered m' question," Tony said softly, refusing to look at Steve. Not that it mattered, not that it really hurt to think that his team wanted nothing to do with him. His friends. If you could even call them that these days. Bruce was another one he felt awful for pushing away. Science bros for life, except.. Tony couldn't be his science anything right now.
Tony Stark was a bit of a mess.
"It's Bruce's birthday, Tony." Steve said it carefully, quietly, because he didn't want to see the mixed emotions slip onto Tony's face. They did anyway. "They all went out for Shawarma." And brace for impact, Captain, because here comes the meteor shower.
"Shawarma?" Tony demanded, feeling as though his arc reactor had just been torn out because how dare they! "I intr'duc'd all you assholes to that! And what sort of thanks do I get? Not ev'n an invitishation! Like I would have really gone, but wh-" Pause, because God he was going to throw up. The door was flung open to the bathroom, and Tony was hugging his porcelain Queen. Steve was right behind him with a wash cloth.
"They did want you there," Steve told him quietly, fingers gently running along Tony's spine. Had Tony not been retching and sobbing at how stupid he was and how awful he felt, he might have enjoyed the touch. "But you were sort of already gone when we decided on what to do, and we knew that once you were gone you were probably halfway to drunk off your butt." Not ass, because Steve very rarely let anything slip. Except when around Tony, and that was because you couldn't help but be that frustrated with the billionaire at times.
"Just.. shut up," Tony mumbled, trying to sound malicious but instead sounding as though his throat was now inside out. Tony was doing his best to be strong and keep telling himself that this was what he wanted, anyway. Tony wanted them all to stop caring, to stop talking to him. Stop including him in things, stop thinking positive things about him. Tony wanted them all to hate him. Except that was so far from the truth that not even Tony himself was going to believe it. Not with the way it stung to think that they hadn't at least tried to contact him.
The two stayed this way for a few moments, Tony retching every now and then. Finally Tony was down to the dry heaves, and Steve knew there wasn't a thing he could do for him at that point. Carefully he stood, helping Tony to lay back on the cot. Steve tucked Tony in because he wanted to make sure he slept on his side, not because he wanted the tender moment with the man. Tony was stationed right next to the toilet, and for good reason. Steve made sure to leave a glass of water within reach, a box of tissue so Tony could blow his nose, and Tony's Stark phone. Just in case.
God Steve would make a lovely wife one day.
"I'm gonna go now, Tony," the Captain said quietly, reaching down to ruffle his hair. "Need anything else? You know I'll answer if you ca-"
"Steve, stop," Tony said softly, unable to open his eyes again now that they had slipped shut. "Please just stop." Alright, maybe he could open his eyes. Testing the theory, Tony found it wasn't that bad, and so he reached out to grip Steve's pant leg. Steve was always doing this. Taking care of Tony, worrying about Tony. It wasn't fair. Not to Steve. "Go out with 'vryone, have a great time.. And pretend I don' exist. Okay? Please?" He paused, hesitating, before closing his eyes again. "Oh 'nd.. Tell Bruce 'm sorry 'm not there. Happy Birthday. Y'know."
Steve took the moment to stare at Tony, soft smile gracing his features. Because oh God, when Tony was so vulnerable he wasn't just adorable. He was so sweet it hurt. Heart squeezed in his chest, and he reached down to give Tony's hair another ruffle.
"I don't even know who Tony Stark is," Steve replied casually. Hesitation, before he finally broke away and headed to the door. With one last worried look at Tony, the lights went off and the door shut. Tony was a pro at this, all he needed was the light from the reactor to help him find the outline of the toilet.
Steve was one of those riddles Tony could never seem to find the answer to, a code he just couldn't crack. It drove him absolutely insane, because he felt that nine times out of ten, it was Steve figuring out Tony. Tony didn't like that. He wasn't the problem, he wasn't the mystery.
Thoughts were interrupted as he turned to cradle the familiar toilet once more, and within moments he was back on his side, for another night of fitful sleep.
[So if you've read the story from the beginning, or at least since before I fixed this chapter, please let me know what you think. Because I wanted to make this better for all of you. And I hope I succeeded.]
