I woke
up this morning and my eyes were crusted shut. Tears I had cried in
the night, now flaky white dried saline, had glued my wide eyes
closed. I am weak. I need you. I can't survive without you.
You feed me. I need you to need me. I need you to ask for my advice,
console in me. I need to listen to you, I need to tell you what I
think about the situation because I know you so well. I know all of
you. I understand you. Because that's what I'm trained to do. It's
what I breathe. I'm strong. I'm confident. I'm real. I'm
honest. I'm alive. I'm numb. I'm tense. I have a knot of rage, hate,
anger, frustration, and fear growing in my stomach. It was a tiny
seed planted at my birth and it's now about to over take my insides.
I have more friends than you can imagine. I'm lonely. I'm
sad. I'm content. I'm guilty. I'm sick but I'm pretty. I'm
lost. I'm empty. I'm looking for something in the dark. Tell me what
it is. Help me find it. Save me. Save me from myself. I had a
dream and you were in it. It was black and white, like so many of my
dreams are these days. You said you loved me, and I expected it. I
bit your neck like a vampire, and began to suck your blood dry. I
want you to want me. I want you to acknowledge the beauty that I know
I have. I need you to idolize me, to worship me. I need your
compliments, your praise. I want you to flirt with me. I want you to
want to fuck me. I need you to think about me while you masturbate.
I need you to think I'm smart. I'm well-rounded. I'll never
judge you. I'll love you with open arms because I need your love. I
want your love. I need acceptance. I'm weak. I'm strong. I hate you.
I need you. I love you more so you will love me more, you become
dependent on me. I had a dream and I was a solider. I was
trained to manipulate. I would die. I was me, but everything I did
was because someone else had told me to do it. I would lie. I was a
robot. A lonely sad crying robot. In the end, Jesus forgave me for my
sins, allowing me to go out and commit them again. But it wasn't
Jesus, it was you.
