A/N: I do not own anything Discworld related, nor do I own anything to do with "Little Shop of Horrors." If I did, I would not be here right now. I would like to thank Mikiri'sRevenge for helping me with some wording ideas! Thank you m'dear!
Anything in parentheses is the chorus—perhaps of fangirls, perhaps of Guild women. Parentheses and italics are "stage directions" of sorts. This is of course written for our dear Assassin Mr. Jonathan Teatime. Please enjoy! And leave a review on your way out! I would love to hear what you think!
When I was younger, just a lonely little kid,
The Guild heads noticed some odd things I did…
Like grinning once my parents were dead;
I'd frighten the other boys without fail,
Then find a pussy cat and singe its tail….
That's when Lord Downey said:
(What did he say?)
He said: "Young boy, I think someday…
We'll find a way…
To make your sadistic tendencies pay!"
"You'll be an Assassin!
You have a talent for murder and doom!"
(DOOM!)
"You'll be an Assassin!
People will pay you big bucks to inhume!"
(Inhume!)
"Your grace is wrong for a common hitman,
And thievery would suit you still less!
Son, be an Assassin—
You'll be a success!"
(Here he is, girls—
a legal sociopath!
Watch him dispatch those clients—
Oh my God!
He's an Assassin
And he'll never ever be any good…
Who wants the murder of the client's pet dog?
Oh, have mercy!
All that blood!)
Please be quiet,
Do hold still,
Here I am!
I am your Assassin,
(Lord, please help us!)
And I enjoy the Guild that I picked!
(Oh, so love it!)
I'm an Assassin,
And I get off on the death I inflict!
(Really love it!)
When I slide a blade into soft skin,
I can't help but spread a wide, gleeful grin!
(ASSASSIN!)
And though it may cause my clients distress…
Somehow I know that it is true…
Murder is what I was born to do!
'Cuz I'm an Assassin!
An elegant success!
(Said very sweetly) …say "ah"
Eep!
Say, "ah"
Eeeah!
Say, "ah!"
AHHHH!
Good. Now, die.
