Author's note: This is my first SG-1 fic. I had a hard time walking the fine line of too much emotions for Jack and not enough. This is my view of how Jack was able to pull himself together after his time will Ba'al. It was going to be a oneshot but then when Madaline-7 looked at it for me she suggested I continue on with a tag to Chimera (when Jack finds out that Sam was seeing Pete.) and Affinity (when Sam shows him the ring), but it went on from there. In the end it was five chapters, because I had to have a tag to Threads once I saw it and then an ending. So this story is done and I will post the rest quickly.

AN2: Thanks to my three Beta's on this story Madaline-7, JennMel, and Enzeru no Yami. You guys helped me a lot. Thanks for you time and patience.

Me again: Thank you to Judychild for going over these again and fixing all my typos. This whole story had been done but I only put a note here. Judy you are marvelous :)


Major Samantha Carter sat in her car staring at the house in front of her. It was his house; Jack's. He had been released from the infirmary two days previous and no one had heard from him since. He'd had a scheduled appointment with Janet earlier that morning but hadn't shown up. General Hammond had ordered her to find out what was going on, and here she was.

Part of her wanted to run away from this, but another part of her knew that they had to have this talk. It had been coming for a long time, since Daniel's death… ascension… it really didn't matter; Daniel left them and the Colonel let him go without a fight.

If Daniel was alive, he would be here, not her. This was his job, he was the one who helped them through the horrors they experienced. He had been their conscience and he should be here instead of her. Too many times like this, and they'd cross that line, and what they left in that room would spill out and overtake them both. They had maintained the status quo for so long, that she no longer knew if he still felt the same way. They had never talked about how they felt, not specifically, and most certainly not openly. That would bring them too close to that line that neither wanted to, or was ready to cross. Instead, it just hovered there in the air, watching and waiting for a time to explode and hurt everyone involved.

Sam felt anger surge through her again at both Jack and Daniel. Daniel gave up on the life they all had together as a team and as friends. How could Jack let him go without a fight? They needed Daniel, he completed the team, and now there was a huge hole where he had been. He had let Daniel leave them behind. Her heart and soul ached. Six years they had been a team and they had never lost anyone or left them behind until now. In less than a year they lost Daniel forever, and almost lost Jack twice.

Just as Daniel was Jack's fault, Jack was hers. It had been her words that convinced him to take the symbiote when they could not cure his sickness after their trip to Antarctica. Then the symbiote had caused him to be captured and tortured by Ba'al.

They should have fought the Tok'ra and kept Jack with them to make sure he was safe. Now they might lose him forever. Ba'al may have destroyed the Jack O'Neill they knew and she loved. He had been a prisoner of war before, but it was nothing like what he had to endure at Ba'al's hands. How many times can a man die and be revived before he loses his mind and soul?

Laying her head against the steering wheel, she took a deep breath. It was time to get this over with.

Leaving the car, she quickly crossed over to the door and knocked. She was not surprised that there was no answer, but she knew he was home. His truck was in the drive and Jack never walked anywhere if he could help it. That would mean he was either up on the roof, or in the backyard charring meat like always.

Choosing to try the backyard first, she opened the gate. Taking one last deep breath, she stepped up on to the porch and found him sitting there looking off into space. She hadn't known what to expect. She had come here thinking that he would be brooding and angry, not confused and lost. Her heart wrenched; Daniel had told her once how Jack had been on that first Abydos mission. How he was not really functioning and how he wanted to die. She sent a silent prayer to whatever true deity was listening that he had not slid back into that place.

"Colonel." No response. "Sir?" Still no reaction. Crouching down in front of him, she touched his knee, "Jack?" She moved very slowly so that she didn't startle him. Especially considering the state he was in, Colonel Jack O'Neill was not a man to surprise.

He looked down. "Sam?" At her touch, his eyes focused on her. After he spoke her name, he looked away, studying the backyard, not looking at her, afraid of what she might see in his eyes. He knew what was happening and there was very little he could do to stop it. Confused, he studied the yard. Had his mind created this Carter, just as it had created Daniel? Or was he really home with her next to him? "Are you really here? Am I really home? Safe?"

Blue eyes met brown and all her anger drained. Nothing that she was worried about mattered now. If they were going to get the Colonel back, Jack and Sam needed to clear the air.

He had gone through hell in the last few months. He lost Daniel too. He may not have shown it, but he loved and missed Daniel just as much as she did. What had it cost him to let Daniel go? She had never thought about it before, what Daniel meant to Jack. He was the one who had helped Jack step back from the abyss when Charlie died. Now Daniel wasn't here, she was. It was up to her to help Jack step back from this even darker place that pulled at him, and begin to live again. She only hoped the cost would not be too high for him or her.

He told her once that Sarah had helped him when he was a POW, but Sarah was gone. Everything was different this time; he had no one to come home to. His house was empty and he was alone, just like her. Both of them had given up so much, but what else could they do? Too many lives depended on them being SG-1.

Reaching out to him, she squeezed his hand and said, "Jack, I'm real. We're at your house. You're safe - we caused a distraction and you were able to escape from Ba'al. Feel my touch, I'm real."

Lifting his hand, she brought it to her face. Moving his fingers softly across her face and up into her hair, pulling gently, he brought her forehead to meet his. "You're real, this is real. I got away. I made it."

Jack closed his eyes trying to rein in his emotions. "I was sitting here waiting for it to end. To be back in that cell upside down, but I'm here outside. I can smell the grass, feel your hair." He opened his eyes to look at her again. "You were there with me. You told me to hang on, that you would find me and get me out. I just needed to give you time. I just needed to be strong. You would not leave me behind."

He pulled away and stood. Looking out into the night, his shoulders slumped. "But I couldn't. If they had taken me to that room one more time, I would have lost the fight. I was so close to breaking, not even Daniel's presence was enough anymore."

Sam blinked, what was he talking about? Daniel had come to see him? Had Jack lost his mind while he was imprisoned by Ba'al? Was it worse than she thought? She would cross that bridge when she came to it. Now she needed to deal with his depression. She knew that he could not be allowed to wallow in his misery.

Standing slowly, she laid her hand on his shoulder, turning him to face her. "No, I know you, Jack. You would not have given up, not a second time."

He tried to look away but she held his face in her hands. "You would have found the strength to endure. You are the strongest man I know. That strength would have been there, just as it was all those years ago after Abydos. You found something to live for and now you need to do it again. Find something to make your life worth living. You need to find it again, because we need you, I need you."

Pulling out of her grip, he turned away. Running his hand through his hair, he let out a frustrated sigh. "You don't understand. I was going to betray Earth! I was going to betray YOU! I was going to tell him whatever he wanted to know just so that I could die. I wanted to die, I told Daniel to kill me. I didn't care about anything anymore. I just wanted it to end, I still do." The last words were so quiet that she almost did not hear them.

Once she absorbed the words, she felt as if she had been slapped. A tear slipped from her eye and it ran down her cheek. "Why would you say that? Look at what we have done, accomplished, sir."

"What have we done, Carter?" The harshness in his voice softened as he said her name. "We kill a Goa'uld and another, more horrible one, takes its place. It's like that monster Daniel mentioned once, you cut off its head and two more grow back. Is the fight ever going to be over? Is it even one we can ever win?"

"I don't know, but we can't just give up. If we do, everything that we have done will be for nothing. All those men who have died, all you have been through before and after the Stargate was first opened, would be meaningless. Everything that we have sacrificed would be pointless."

"Isn't it anyway, Carter? I have given twenty years to the Air Force and a hell of a lot of blood, sweat and tears. All I have to come home to is an empty house, a dead son and an ex-wife. We saved the world, but all I have to look forward to is a crappy pension and bad knees. I have nothing else."

All Sam could do was stare at him in shock. Where was the man she had known for six years? Had Ba'al destroyed him, crushed his spirit enough that he was lost to them, to her? She opened her mouth to speak but realized that she had no idea what to say.

A warm hand fell on her shoulder, squeezing gently and she felt Daniel's presence. His voice whispered in her ear. "It's time to tell him. He needs to hear it, so he can believe it. It's time to face those feelings, they never should have been shut away. It's now or never. Give him the strength he needs." Then just a quickly, it was gone. She turned around, but no one or anything was there.

Taking a deep, breath, she rolled Daniel's words over in her mind. Was this what Jack, meant when he talked about seeing Daniel? At a time when he would have comforted them, we hear ourselves in his voice, offering what we think he would say? Was he really there with her, or did she need him to be? Shaking her head, she hoped that she would do not only what Daniel would but what Jack needed her to do and say. "You can't mean that. What about me and Teal'c? Are you just going to leave us like Daniel did? Walk away from us? I don't believe it." She turned away and her eyes fell on the 9mm lying on the arm of the chair he recently vacated.

Anger rushed through her; he was serious. Picking up the gun she felt her blood run cold. Holding it up, she looked at it and turned it over in her hands, studying it. Was this the same gun that had killed Charlie? Did he truly want to do it or was it just...

No, she would not let it happen. She had lost Daniel, she would not give up Jack too. Daniel was right, it was now or never. Jack needed to know the truth, needed to know that he was not alone. That if he did take his life - Sam shuddered at that thought - he would know what it would do to her as well.

She could never remember taking the steps that brought her to stand in front of him. Blue eyes full of tears met brown full of shame at his admission of weakness. Tears formed but remained unshed. Neither of them said a word. Each waited for the other to speak.

Making a decision, she took his hand and slapped the gun into his open palm. "If you want to die, then do it. Right now. End it, Jack. End your misery. Just remember with that shot you may end your pain but what about me? I already lost Daniel and now you are going to leave me to. I love you, Jack. If you do this, I will never forgive you for giving up on me and and the life we could have someday. Don't do this to yourself, to us. You're not alone, you have us. Let Teal'c and I help you through this, just like Daniel did on Abydos."

Not being able to stay any longer; she turned and fled.

She wanted to leave and not look back, but she could not resist one last look at Jack O'Neill. He stood there still staring at the gun in his palm. He looked up and their eyes met and she said it one more time with her eyes, "I love you, Jack. I'm still waiting, I always will be."

The gun fell to the ground with a clatter and Jack crumpled. His body shook with sobs but he made no sound.

Sam went to him and gathered him into her arms, and held him. Nothing more was said. But Jack did find something to live for. She told him again, that she loved him. That she was still waiting for him, waiting for them. That she would always wait for him. Jack let the warmth of her arms into his chilled body. As he stepped back from the abyss, Jack took strength in the promise of always.


AN3: If you want to hate me and think this is totally out of character for Jack, I defer to the original Stargate movie. In that movie our first shot of Jack was him sitting on the bed staring at what I assume was the gun that killed Charlie. That time in his life was a very dark time and after what he went through with Ba'al I can see him going back there. I don't think he would have killed himself if Carter had not shown up but he did not see a way out in this one moment for himself just like in Ba'al cell when he told Daniel that he had no other choice but to die.

Let me know if you loved it or hated it. I will post the rest over the next few days.