Saving Sammy

Chapter 1: Unholy Confessions

"I wish I could be the one,

the one who won't care at all

but being the one on the stand,

I know the way to go, no one's guiding me.

When time soaked with blood turns its back,

I know it's hard to fall.

Confided in me was your heart

I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me.

-Unholy Confessions by Avenged Sevenfold

I had never felt more broken. No, I wasn't talking about the fact that my entire body ached, my head was throbbing and one of my eyes was practically swollen shut. I was talking about the aching in my chest that constricted as I looked at the unconscious body in front of me. He had never looked so vulnerable, so weak, and so quiet. Saying it was deeply disturbing was an understatement of epic proportions. It should be me there. I should be the one lying in a hospital bed, wires hooked up to god knows how many places. I should be the one on the brink of…death. My throat constricted at the mere thought.

I couldn't help it. I reached out for his hand. It was heavy in my hand. Too heavy. Lifeless. I nearly broke. I saw drops of water drip onto his hand in mine. I reached my unused hand up to my face. I hadn't even realized I was crying until now. "If you were here you'd make some stupid joke about me being a wuss or a girl." I laughed bitterly. "I don't know what to do man. Dad's hurt too and you were always the one to handle things like this. You always did take care of us. Of me." My voice cracked at the end. I tried clearing my throat, looking down. "Dean…" I said looking up. "I need you. I can't keep going without you. What am I supposed to do? Go back to school, become a lawyer, living a life alone and hoping that if Dad calls to say 'Merry Christmas' we don't fight like hell?"

"You're all I've got left. I know you're worried that I'm going to leave. I know you think as soon as we kill the demon that murdered mom I'm out of here. I get why you think that. It's no secret that I wanted to leave. As soon as I was old enough I booked it to Stanford. But don't think for a minute that I left because of you. I mean I- I did, but not in the way you think. Sure, I bickered with Dad. Sure, you and I didn't always get along. That's not why I left though. Jesus. This is hard." I took my free hand and wiped my face, trying to rid myself of the fallen tears and apprehension.

"I need to tell you something. Thank God you're unconscious or I'd never be able to say this to your face." I darted my eyes to the open door, nervously. After ensuring that no one was about to enter the room I sat back down, taking his hand into mine again. I rubbed my thumb over his knuckle gently. "The real reason I left was because I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't lie anymore. It was too hard. I thought I could move on, try to meet someone and fall in love. The closest I got was Jessica and you know how that turned out. When you came and got me, I was relieved to see you. God, you'll never know how happy I was too see your face again. I know I didn't look that happy to see you, but that's because I knew I'd have to lie again. I thought I could keep it together. I really did. We were just looking for Dad, right? But everything's changed. Now were out hunting every week and now were closer, it's…god, its impossible Dee. I'll never be able to tell you for real, so I'm glad I can tell you now. Dean…I'm in love with you."